Former First Lady Speaks About Infertility

I've recently become aware that Laura Bush struggled with infertility. She talked about it in an interview with Ladies Home Journal, as well as in her book Spoken from the Heart. I like reading her thoughts...here is just a small taste.

"For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-ribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

Here I Go Again...

It's been awhile, I know. Every once in a while, I'd think I should blog about _________________________ but nothing ever transpired. I think I may have taken an unplanned break because I feel like it's always the same old stuff that I talk about on here. Sometimes it feels so therapeutic to talk openly about our infertility issues, other times I feel like a whiner. So now that the explanation for my absense is done, now I can get back on the blogging bandwagon:)

I have been checking everyone's blogs...I'm glad not everyone took a break!! It was great to read my friends' goingsons during the holidays with their families. It was also therapeutic to keep up on reading the blogs of women who are also dealing with infertility during this holiday season. I am inspired by the positivity and vulnerability that I read on each blog, and I am encouraged to dig deeper into God and what I'm supposed to be learning during this time in my life. Even though it's a hard time, I 1)know that life could be way harder, and 2)know I can't change my situation, but can change how I face it.

Something else I need to work on is how I deal with bad choices that people make, whether I'm close to the person or not. It may be someone getting a divorce, dealing poorly with life in general, etc. I finished reading The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs a few days ago. A quote stood out to me that spoke to how much I can let my mind go when thinking about choices/actions that people I care about make. I need to put it on my mirror!! It came as Gran was talking to highschool friends that are rekindling their friendship after deceit and years apart, as well as lots of heartache in each womans' life.

"People sometimes don't do the right thing...So then you're left deciding how you are going to react to what they offer. Because you can't make them change."

The Inevitable

So, she came today. Uninvited, unwelcomed, but expected. 6 days late! How rude! I've had cramps since last Wednesday, so my hopes were fairly low anyway, even though I had a few people say they felt period crampy when actually they were pregnant.

In order to *celebrate* AF's arrival, I'm going to the big city (Poky) today. I was going to go anyway, since we were snowed in Sunday and I need to do A LOT of errands, but now I have an excuse for being a bit more frivalous?? As frivalous as a woman saving up for infertility treatments can allow herself to be...

I'm going to have lunch with my sister and go shopping:) It WILL be a good day. I'm going to make it that way.

Are you Curious??

Me too. But not as much as you are, since I've been having cramps for four days and feel AF just around the corner. Hopes have deflated even though it's cd 31, because I know what is going to happen. Same things that's happened every month for 33 months before this. :(

On a positive note, it's time to put up Christmas decor, which i LOVE!!! Conrad made me wait until after Thanksgiving so we could "celebrate one holiday at a time". I understand that, but I'm always to eager! The only catch is that I only allow myself to bring up the totes of lovely decor after I dust. Ewww. I hate dusting. But, with such a great reward at the end, I'm going to get to it right now so I can decorate my heart out!

Thanksgiving

Sometimes it easy for me to focus on the things I feel I'm lacking in life, rather than to live a life focused on THANKSGIVING. God is so amazing and has brought so many blessings into my life. Here is just a short list...I'm trying to keep it from becoming a novel...

1)God's son, Jesus, and the plan of salvation. Saving me from an eternal life in hell, and also giving me a full/abundant life, even into eternity. God's continuous work in my life through the Holy Spirit and often in saving me from myself and destruction.

2)Conrad is the best husband I could ever ask for. I remember telling someone after we'd gotten engaged that God gave me even more than I ever wanted/knew I wanted in a future husband. He is truly the love of my life, and brings so much joy and peace and contentment into my life. He also is a great provider for us financially, and works harder than anyone I know to get us closer to a life of financial freedom.

3)My family is a huge strength in my life. Their support, unconditional love, and faith in God has helped me so much throughout my lifetime, and I value the relationships I have with them. My parents have been faithful to each other for 29 years, and have done well with the parenting thing (just look how great I turned out...and my sister too, of course). Speaking of my sister...she is my best friend. She knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, and loves me anyway. Plus, she laughs at my jokes.

4)I don't know that anyone has as good of friends as I do. I may be biased. And I hope you all have AMAZING people in your life like me, but I just feel super blessed in this area of my life. I would do anything for my friends, and I know they'd do anything for me. You are all fabulous!!!

5)I have a beautiful home (okay, so we're slowly updating it from the 80s wallpaper, etc., but the potential is there...), that's nice and cozy. I love to entertain and the only thing that's a minor inconvenience is that we kinda live in the boonies:)

6)I have every provision that I need, and then some (A LOT). God has been so gracious to provide for us. We have plenty of food, hot running water, clothes, vehicles, our kitties Jack and Gracie:), etc., etc. It's amazing how much I take for granted.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all, and may we all find lots to be thankful for every day!!!


P.S. On a somber note...I would like to ask that you would say a quick prayer for a guy I know from working at the credit union. I just found out a few minutes ago that his wife died sometime last night/early morning from hypothermia after her car ran off the road. He just buried his mom very unexpectedly 2 months ago. He is one of the nicest guys, and has two kids to care for as well as himself in this time of grieving. He's a close friend of a few of my co-workers, and my heart is breaking for everyone involved. Part of living in a small town is knowing everyone and their business, and to be honest, I like that because I know how to pray. Thanks:)

What If...?

Something I've been pondering recently is the whole question of "What if ____________________________?"

This blank could be filled by a plethora of words, sentences, maybe even a novel:)

But the main reason I've been thinking about "what if...?" is because I'm coming to the end of my 2ww and will be getting some answers sometime later this week. Will I be a mom in 9 months? Will Conrad be a daddy in 9 months? Will we have a boy or a girl? How will we tell people we are [finally] pregnant (who don't follow this blog...i.e. the in-laws, etc.)? Will it be a healthy pregnancy? ???Will I be pregnant at all???

I've also realized that the element of surprise is gone for you close friends of mine, as well as for my family, since our baby-making experience has been made public. It didn't start out that way, I don't think it usually does. How I used to picture it was a little like this: excitedly planning when to start a family with my hubby, "trying" to get pregnant for a couple of romantic months, and then a *BFP*; followed by preparation, showers, beautiful baby, and happily ever after. However, this is how it's been (the short version): try for one month, two months, three months...29 months to no avail, verge on insanity, and then 2 romantic dates with my husband AND a nurse AND a doctor, while getting inseminated in a freezing cold hospital room followed by days of cramping and praying I won't have to do this process again. Truth is, I need your support and can't imagine traveling this infertility road alone. I'm so grateful that God has given me grace to take this journey, including giving me the support I've needed and continue to need. Crazy the way we *think* life is going to happen, huh? I'm so glad we can trust God to be stable when we feel anything but.

So anyway, what I started out wanting to say was...I really don't want to tell EVERYONE if [when] I do get a BFP this week. Meaning that if you read my blog, you would be giving me a gift by keeping it [BFP] on the down low until things move along a bit farther. I do appreciate all of the support and prayers I've received from you ladies, and will be happy to share my news with you:) I just don't think 2 weeks along is a great time to tell everyone in my world, if you catch my drift.

And the countdown continues...and continues...and continues...almost over...

Just Say "NO" to OHSS

Today's appointment was fairly uneventful, which is fine since any "event" would have meant ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. If I would have had OHSS, it would mean that I could not do clomid next month, and we'd most likely have to deal with cysts (could be easy or not). I'd rather not, thank you.

The doctor was more sociable today than he's been EVER, which was fine with me. I'm pretty personable, and when someone isn't, I'm a bit annoyed:) He did want to talk about the "worst case scenario" which would be that the IUI didn't work this month. This was not an inquiry into what my mental state might be (haha), but for making a plan for next month. I told him money wouldn't allow IUI in December, so we most likely wouldn't plan on it. He did offer a higher dosage of clomid (which is fairly cheap) and trying the old fashioned way in December. That's the "worst case scenario plan". Still waiting to see.....

Stomach Flu...BOO!!!

I have a lot I'm wanting to say...stuff I've thought about all weekend, but just don't have the physical strength to write. I think I've caught the stomach flu from Conrad, so it's been quite the 5 days. The stomach flu on top of my body's reaction to the IUIs is not ideal:(

One thing I will say, is that I couldn't do any of this journey without the support of my amazing friends. Thank you for your prayers of peace during my 2ww and also for your prayers for my physical body...like for the actual conception of our baby. I really have had peace (mental, not so much physical...) this past week, and am so thankful for friends that hold us up in prayer.

2 Days Post-IUI

My second IUI of this cycle was 2 days ago, and I'm still in pain! Just wondering from you out there who have done IUI if this is normal?? I *googled* it, and found differing responses...I guess everyone's body is different. I feel lazy but the thought of lifting, or mowing up leaves, etc., makes me cringe. Mainly it's a crampy, gassy belly, and my ovaries are tender. I haven't had any of the crazy, "life-threatening" symptoms I read about, so that's good. I have a follow-up from the clomid on Tuesday, so I'm praying the pain is not a matter of cysts, but simply the invasive nature of the whole thing.

Laughing even hurts:( This is not good, especially since Conrad has been his witty self these last few days as he's been getting more rested as farm work is easing up. I love spending time with my man!!

Two-week Wait...

Just woke up from a cozy nap on the comfy couch that's near the wood-stove...PERFECT! Between the ibuprofen and that nap, I feel A LOT better than I did yesterday after the IUI. The doc said that the 2nd day is usually better, and it has been. I attribute some of that to the ibuprofen pre-IUI, but also because my body wasn't newly invaded, like it had been yesterday. I've been crampy, and don't want to exert myself, but overall it's manageable. Yesterday, all I wanted afterward was a peanut butter cup shake. Today I actually wanted real food (does a cheeseburger and fries from Mickey D's count as "real" food?? Conrad was DYING for a mocha frappe, so we *had* to go there) and I didn't quiver the whole way home. My next appointment is Tuesday (cd20), to ensure that my ovaries aren't hyperstimulated from the clomid.

I can't thank you all enough for your support and friendship...it means THE WORLD to me. God has put such amazing people in my life...that's one thing I've never doubted. I'm happy to have friends from every walk of life on life's journey with me.

For now, we embark on the 2ww (two week wait), for which I'm hoping and praying will go FAST and will yield a positive result. We'll see what happens:)

Blogworld, We have a Positive

Well, I got my positive [ovulation] test this morning. At least, the first one I took was positive. Then me, being the indecisive/second-guessing type of person I am decided I better let the bladder fill and take another one...not my best idea ever, because the second one was not nearly as prominent. Conrad and I prayed for wisdom about what to do because I certainly don't want to "waste" the IUIs if it's the wrong time. I called the clinic and after asking some questions, felt great about going in today. I told Conrad "God answered our prayers for a positive test before Friday, and even Thursday!" It totally had to be God, because I've never had a positive test before day 17 before, and here we are on day 14:)

Let me interject something here: I work with THE greatest group of ladies one could hope for...we were one person short today, and with me leaving for 3.25 hours, it left only two people in the branch. I prayed it would be a quiet day, and it was. One girl took an early lunch (10:30!) and grabbed leftovers for her and my manager to eat so I could leave at 11:30. They are committed to me becoming pregnant!! They are so positive and supportive.

At noon, I had my ultrasound. The tech looked at the left ovary first, and there was a mature follicle (follie in the I/F blogging world...). The left ovary is the poor one that doesn't get much action because of the blocked tube. As she moved her little wand around, lo and behold, there was a nice, big follie in my right ovary! She was excited, and so were we. The one on the right measured bigger than the one on the left. I was a little worried at first and asked the tech "if the follie was still showing in my ovary, then I haven't ovulated? Should I do IUI today?" She was definitely for it, saying that it would probably be released later today. So now we head down the hall. From here, I didn't really know what to expect. The procedure itself went fairly well (uneventful), and I just had some brief discomfort during it. I though it was a piece of cake compared to the HSG I had in April. Little did I know, that the next 20 minutes of standing on my head (j/k...just laid there:)...) would be torture. My body was cramping and pulsating and I was sweating like crazy! I tried to distract myself by reading the current issue of People, but no amount of celeb gossip could distract me from what was going on. Conrad felt helpless, but I'm glad he was in there with me. As soon as I got up to get ready to go, I got light-headed and quesy. After a few dry heaves in the garbage can, I ran to the bathroom, leaving Conrad wide-eyed and maybe a bit shocked?! The rest of the day has been painful, but it's eased up quite a bit. Luckily, I got to sit at work a lot today since we were so slow. The girls said I could go home, but there was no need to go home and mope about my pain (although, a nap would've felt nice!). All I wanted to do after work was to take a hot bath to soothe my aching body, but I *googled* "bath and IUI" and found that it may not be the best idea. I opted for warm comfy clothes and a night of cuddling in front of the boob tube with my man.

So, here's to a positive ovulation test, a nice big follie on the right side, 1000mg of ibuprofen before tomorrow's fun, and hopefully a successful round of IUI!

Talking to the Doc

I had yesterday off and actually talked to the doctor. Crazy, huh? Long story short, he actually did look over my chart...gasp!...and we have a plan. A concrete plan? No. A tentative plan? Yes. This is the rundown:

1)Finish clomid regimen (2 more pills...can you say headaches and ovary-aches??)
2)Do ovulation tests at home and PRAY that I don't have my positive test on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I told Conrad that I realize this is not a fertility clinic, but come on now, 3 days in a row off?! I pray my body cooperates. I really don't want to go ahead with IUI on day 20 of my cycle...seems kinda late, but I'm open to it if he thinks it will work.
3)If (WHEN) I get a positive test, I'll call the clinic to let them know so Conrad and I can head up and I can get an ultrasound. If my right ovary is the *one*, we will proceed with the IUI that same day. If it's my left one (with the blocked tube), we won't do IUI this month.

If you have a minute, here's a recap of some specific prayer requests:)
*I have a positive ovulation test on or before next Thursday.
*My right ovary is the star of the show and shoots out that beautiful egg.
*IUI is a success.
*Patience and peace in my mind!!

Let's Lighten Things up A Bit

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

God is Hope. God is my Provider. God is Joy. God is Peace. God is Faithful. God gives us Wisdom.

I've been filling my house with Rita Springer today. Such peaceful, uplifting, soothing, life-giving music/words. If you've never heard her, I recommend going to youtube and checking out a few of her songs. I have 5 of her cds and they are what I put on when my soul is anxious, when I'm babysitting, and when I need to just soak in God's presence. A *few* of my favorites include "Resting", "Effortless", "Worth it All", etc., etc.

Doesn't Anyone Look at Files Anymore??

I've had an ongoing battle with the doctor's office starting last Thursday, when I called to get my prescription for generic clomid called in to the pharmacy. First, I was told Nurse T was home sick, and someone would get back to me. Second phone call (in the middle of walmart's halloween aisles) made me start thinking that we wouldn't be able to pursue anything this cycle because Nurse T was now at home with a sick baby. Whoever I was talking to was saying I'd have to have a consultation (HAD ONE) before the prescription. Next excuse was needing an u/s of my ovaries to make sure they're not hyperstimulated "because that can happen with clomid" (THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ON CLOMID FOR A YEAR).

If only Nurse T would've been there. She knows what's going on. She let me know ASAP when she found out about the in-office ultrasound to make sure it's the right ovary working it's magic so we don't waste money on an IUI if it's the wrong side. She told me to call the first day of my cycle as soon as we were ready to start the process so she could call in the prescription. Come to find out today, since Nurse T also is a member at the credit union I work at, she got "hosed"!! I guess there's a lot of politics going on at the hospital, and she didn't fit into the picture. She seems fine with it. She has a little girl and a 4 month old baby, so she'll stay home with them. I'm NOT fine with it! Selfish, I know:) Mainly because everytime I call, including this afternoon on my lunch break, no one seems to read my chart before spouting off an answer. And the voicemail that was supposed to bring an answer leaves me shaking my head, asking, "does anyone look at the files anymore?" If she would've looked at my chart, she would have realized that we are not only going to do ovulation tests and clomid this month to prep for IUI, but we are doing an ultrasound because I have a blocked tube, and IUI will be pointless if I'm ovulating on the wrong (blocked) side!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

This coupled with in-law drama (insane, I say!) is about to drive me to the looney bin! One of my co-workers, upon my return from lunch and venting about the doctor's office, said, "don't let them get you so stressed, or nothing's going to happen." I know you're right, M. I need to keep calm and collected. Sometimes I wonder if all this stuff happens just to test me or to take my focus off my goals: pregnancy and peace. I would appreciate any prayers you could shoot my way:)

...Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out...

Keeping Busy

I've just been trying to keep busy this week. Not too hard to do (though there are still things I avoid when trying to keep busy, i.e. housework, yardwork, wallpaper removal, to name a few...). Today I made biscotti for a friend (and I may have eaten some too...). One of my co-worker's last day was Thursday, so we planned a luncheon for her and I made a floral arrangement in a pumpkin for her. We sure do know how to eat!! Our meal was complete with shredded pork, homemade flour tortillas, cabbage salad, caesar salad, and YUMMY dessert. On Friday, we dressed up for work. One of my co-workers had to fill in at another branch, so we missed having her there:( Mandi was Pancho Villa (apparently I don't remember my mexican history very well, Pancho is a big name). Danyell and Melissa were 80s girls, and I was a black cat (super creative, huh?). It was fun. The members always like it. It was Hi-lar-i-ous to watch members' reactions when they first saw Pancho!

B...F...N... :(

In the infertile cirle, this acronym stands for Big Fat Negative. I don't know why I allow my hopes to get up. In our whole time of TTC, I've only taken 3 tests, counting this a.m. Thursday I decided I'd wait for Saturday morning to take the test. Wednesday was c.d. 28, and I've had no symptoms WHATSOEVER of AF. Usually for a week before I'm crampy, need to wear a sportsbra to strap "them" down, etc. I haven't had any of this and made the mistake of letting my mind wander with Conrad; figuring out that the baby would come in July (I told him, "that's a busy month, with your birthday, 4th of July, and our anniversary, but that's okay"), thinking about fun ways to let the family know on Christmas, etc. BAD GIRL!! I know that us getting pregnant the old fashioned way would be a miracle, but like I've said before, I'm not ruling out that God will do a miracle. Today I will occupy my time with cleaning house. I decided to have some girls over tonight, so that will insure that I will dust, vacuum, pick up clutter, etc., and not just mope around all day.

Social Graces

Warning: This may sound very mean. Yesterday, I saw a guy from my college days and his family at the grocery store. He went to Chi Alpha, the christian group I was involved in throughout college. He is a bit of an odd duck, but I am always friendly to him. I've seen him and the fam at Wal*Mart a few times over the past few years as he's been growing his family. I've "met" his wife 3 or 4 times now, I can't remember. She is always grumpy-looking and none-too-friendly when I try to be personable. When I saw them at a different grocery store yesterday, I was like oh here comes some awkwardness, followed by him talking about his kids and introducing me to his wife again. Conversations usually include him talking about not working, being on welfare and not having to pay for anything, awkward questions like "when are you having kids?!", etc.

***I really am not trying to be rude, but some people just do not have social graces.***

So after a quick hello--I was in a hurry and kind of trying to avoid a long awkward conversation--and him introducing me to his wife, yet again, I moved around the produce area and got what I needed. When I went to the meat department, there he was with his cart, kids, and awkard conversation.

First, it was, "So, are you still married?" I responded, "Yep, it's been 7 years now."

Then, it was, "I've been married 3 years. My daughter is almost 3." Cool.

Then, "This is ____, Jr., this is my daughter ______. We're trying for number three."

Okay, this is when I grab my pork roast, say good-bye, and go on my not-so-merry way. Why is it that two people who don't work, collect government money for healthcare, living, and food can have all the kids they want? It's like it's a game for them. Sure, I bet having kids is fun but let's not go overboard here, just cuz the government will pay for it all. Can't there be a limit on how many pregnancies will be covered by Medicaid?? Here we (Conrad and I) are, working hard to pay taxes for irresponsible people to have kids. He's uninsured because self-employed insurance is outrageous, I pay $150+/mo.(and rising) for limited health insurance with a $5,000 maternity deductible, and no infertility coverage. I'm not against helping people out, but I am against people taking advantage of the system and fertile myrtles having so many kids that they can't even care for them.

This was a bit of a soap-box, but it's something that really upsets me along this road of infertility. I have to keep reminding myself, "GOD IS MY PROVIDER. GOD IS MY PROVIDER. GOD IS MY PROVIDER". Although Conrad doesn't like people that take advantage either, he does seem to have more grace than me. When I tell him stories like this one above, he responds with, "I wouldn't want that life. I want to contribute, I want to make my way." Ultimately, I know I don't want that life depending on the government, but sometimes I have to run through the venting cycle before I can remember that. You have now come full-circle through one of Adriane's *many* venting cycles.

Today's Romantic Words...

"Thank you for marrying me to be your wife, not your slave."

This came after Conrad told me his dad had his panties in a wad because they're short on truck drivers to haul in the sugar beets. He said to Conrad, "Can't your wife drive? SIL said she said she was ready." No, actually what I told SIL is that I could do it (I am capable), not that I would do it. The way it goes in this family is that once you do a job, it's yours forever and ever without compensation. If Conrad really needed me (on our field, which they're not harvesting yet), I would drive truck. If he really needed me to work ground, I'd take lessons from him in the tractor...I'm okay with helping with OUR stuff. I'm not trying to sound selfish, just trying to keep the boundaries. Conrad's mom looks so tired and ragged after 2 weeks of hard work in harvest (she's working harder than his dad doing a spare job his dad put a bid on!). Conrad hates that his mom works so hard. This whole town knows how it is to work for the in-laws...a friend told me she was talking to someone who was thinking about taking a harvest truck driving job, until he found out who it was for (my FIL). That says something, doesn't it?

I am so grateful for Conrad's hard work, and for God's graciousness to provide what we need to take steps to be more independent from Conrad's family. I know that beyond all the family drama, there is a great future for Conrad and me as we stay in His will. Have I mentioned lately that I'm married to a hot, hard-working, loving farmer? I am:)

Time with SIL

SIL came home this week to bring her dad a diesel pick-up she'd found him at an auction, and also to help with sugarbeet harvest. I was nervous at the beginning of the week because I didn't know exactly how things (conversations, mostly) would go with her here. Lord knows they've been stressful and emotional with her NOT here! On Tuesday night, she invited me to ride in the semi with her while she delivered a load of hay. It was nice to spend time with her and catch up. I told Conrad later that night that I don't think I've hung out with just her since before Conrad and I were even dating, if ever! It was great just to have the two of us chatting away. She brought up her marriage situation the last 10 minutes or so in the semi, and though I wish we would've had more time on that topic, it was a good conversation. Based on earlier conversations with Conrad and my emails to SIL and her hubby, she knows where I stand already, but we each shared more personally about the situation. There's something about face-to-face conversation that can't be conveyed over the phone, through the grape-vine, over the internet, etc.

Last night, just as I was settling in with some popcorn, laundry to fold, and a movie, she called to see if I wanted to go to Poky (ie the big city). I jumped at the chance and she showed up a few minutes later...in this family, you have to be ready for anything:) We met up with a mutual friend and her new hubby for dinner at Buddy's (YUM!). After a quick stop at Wal*mart, we were on our way home. There's something about car rides that facilitate good conversations. We chatted about this and that and I explained our infertility issues. At dinner, she had jokingly said, "I'm ready to be an aunt! When's it going to happen?". We've joked back at forth with her and her hubby about this since they got married, so it wasn't meant to be cruel or anything. I responded with, "I'm ready to make you an aunt, you'll have to ask God about the timing." I gave a brief synopsis of us trying for close to 3 years...our mutual friend has known about our issues, and has blessed me/respected my wishes with not telling my SIL until I was ready. Anyway, the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. I expect the rest of Conrad's family found out this morning:)

I rode with Conrad for a few rounds to and fro' the beet dump today. It's always relaxing, and my favorite farming thing to do besides riding in the combine. After two rounds with him, I jumped in with SIL and probably went 3 or 4 rounds? The lines got LONG this afternoon! We laughed a lot and were able just to relax and be ourselves. We really don't have a ton in common (she's career-oriented, I'm not; she doesn't like shopping/decorating, I DO!; she's independent in her marriage, I try to be interdependent), but we are both young adult women who like to have fun and care about our family and friends.

We spent about 4 hours together today, just the two of us, and it was great. I told a close friend later, that at the beginning of the week, I was sure there was going to be hard conversations because of focusing on SIL's struggling marriage, and I was praying for guidance and wisdom in how to approach them. I thought there'd be a lot more marriage talk than there was. At first, when I left the beet truck tonight I was wishing I would have brought more things up about a healthy marriage, working it out, etc., but like I told Steph, I think it's been great for SIL and me just to build on our own relationship. The rest will come. It was a blessing just to be "pursued" by her this week. This will open the door to more phone conversations and more below-the-surface conversations when we do see each other in person. Thanks for your prayers about my in-law situation. They are working!!

Hope Restored Tour--Andy Kirk and Aaron Shust LIVE!

We rarely get Christian concerts too close to us, but a few weeks ago, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Andy Kirk/Aaron Shust concert at our local (30 minutes away at ISU) performing arts center. I knew it was going to be good because I'd seen Aaron (yes, we're on a first-name basis...) on the K-Love cruise in 2008, and he is one of the artists that I knew I wanted to see again. We got VIP tickets that enabled us to be part of a Q&A before the show, as well as get first pick of seats. I loved the Q&A because it was so great to hear both Aaron and Andy talk like the men they are (human being men, not supermen!). Both spoke of their desire to worship God, and about how that's their main goal, is to worship and lead people into worship. The concert was AMAZING!!! Andy Kirk (a new artist, just a baby at 23!) started things off with a mix of contemperary worship songs and songs he'd written that were on his album. I love that at Christian concerts, they usually have the words to the songs up so you can sing along, or read along with what the artist is singing. Aaron Shust did a set for maybe an hour, give or take? What a passionate man, both in his music and in his "sermonettes". A few really hit home and spoke to where I'm at in my life right now, both individually and with Conrad, as we're looking at our future. Aaron alternated between rockin' out with the band on his guitar, and then inviting us to sit and "drink in" God's presence as he took it down a notch and played the piano. The last 2-3 worship songs were a combination of Aaron on the piano and Andy on the guitar jamming out while the whole audience was singing at the top of their lungs praising God. So refreshing! Times like that go too fast!! Afterward, I bought Andy's CD (which is fabulous) and had him sign it. I wanted to talk to Aaron so bad, and my patience paid off. He signed my concert ticket and we got a minute or two to chat. Overall, it was a great night, and I left feeling full of peace and joy. I'm so thankful that God has enabled people to use their talents for His glory, and that people are obedient.

10-10-10

Just got a text about my sweet friend's grandpa going to meet Jesus today. He went peacefully, and she also said that he loved numbers (10-10-10!!). I became curious about the meaning of number 10, and *googled* it. Here's what I found:

Ten : 10 - Biblical Meaning of Number: deals with completeness that happens in a divine order or completed during a course of time. There's nothing that is left wanting within the complete cycle the number "ten" has just completed. (In today's society this number is looked at mostly when referring to some kind of ranking or describing something that's close to perfection).

http://www.christian-resources-today.com/biblical-meaning-of-numbers.html

I really like the references in this second link regarding "10":
http://www.biblestudy.org/bibleref/meaning-of-numbers-in-bible/10.html


Thought it was pretty cool!! Praying for my friend, her family, and all those who had the privilege to know such a fine man...

p.s. If any of y'all can tell me how to insert a link (I clicked the button, entered the address in the box that popped up, but it never showed once I published...) that would be great:)

"'Til Death do us Part"

If you've been to a wedding anytime lately, or ever, you've heard these words exchanged between the bride and groom. If you're married, I'm 99.9% sure that you spoke these words in your ceremony as you looked into the eyes of your beloved.

Unfortunately, these words have come to a point where they are spoken lightly and easily shoved aside when hard times come in a relationship. I've seen this several times over the last year, and it's heart-breaking.

However, I have a few heart-warming situations I've observed over the past few days that renew my faith in long-lasting love and commitment in marriages. Some of Conrad's relatives were passing through from Canada and we spent last night with them at a long dinner and then they came over to our house this morning for a while.

One of the couples, Les and Helen, will celebrate 57 years of marriage in a week. They are one of the most precious couples I know. From the first time I've met them, Helen has gone from legally blind to completely blind. I cannot imagine dealing with blindness in my own life, for many reasons, but what I notice about this couple is their interdependence. Marriage is supposed to be all about interdependence anyway, but they are a great tangible example. Les guides Helen around, "3 steps up", "there's a nice living room to your right", "your tartar sauce is right here" (as he guides her hand to feel where it is). Helen is sharp as a tack and has a super great memory. She still does laundry, but supervises Les as he cooks or bakes because, in his words, "I can't remember from time to time how to cook/bake."

The second couple, Henry and Mildred, are equally cute. They have their own personalities and obstacles, but the same level of commitment. Mildred must've invited us 4 times to go to Canada in June for their 50th anniversary celebration. She was so interested in Conrad's farming practices and in our life. Henry was excited to report that the family farm in Canada (Conrad's grandpa was raised in Canada on a farm) was thriving. He really wants to give some of the model tractors/implements he's put together over the past few decades to Conrad. He's had 3 strokes recently and limps around with a cane. He and Mildred told us about his scooter he rides to the park to feed the ducks. Sometimes he goes alone, other times Mildred walks with him. Mildred is patient with him and they are another great example of commitment through thick and thin.

I know that I am committed to my promise "'til death do us part", and value the people in my life that support my commitment. God, help Conrad and I stay committed to You and to each other. Help us to be a good example to others, and to have a rockin' 50th anniversary party!!! You're all invited...it will be in July of 2053:)

My Friend Lucas

I call him Lukie:) This amazing little boy and I have spent quite a bit of his life together, though not too much lately. I became friends with him mom when he was around four months old (he's now 22-months), and was instantly in love with his sweet disposition and his chubby little face. I babysat him A LOT last farming season (spring-fall 2009) because his dad would work for Conrad and his mom worked as a waitress at night. Lukie and I spent lots of nights playing together, me giving him a bath (he LOVES baths!), and then me rocking him to sleep. Precious moments.

Lately, I haven't seen him a whole lot because since last fall, his parents have separated and divorced. His mom now works days, so there isn't much need for me to watch him, even if his dad is working for Conrad. However, Conrad was in a pickle on Saturday, needing Lukie's dad desparately bad for some work on Sunday. I suggested that I take Lukie (and his 6 year old brother, though he ended up working with his dad and "Comrad") to church with me. I was so excited to get to spend some time with him. I hung out with him while I did nursery for Bible Study, then left him while I went to the service and the other workers were with him. When I went to get him, he ran to me with open arms and wanted to snuggle. Twist my arm. He was a bit over-stimulated by the crowds of people after church, so we headed to Goodwill with Steph and Pooh. He's such a good shopper, and I couldn't get enough of kissing his chubby little face. After the store, we went to eat with my mom. He was quick to get comfortable at my parents' house, and was being super cute. My mom was like, "it's fun to have a little one in the house." We both were getting a kick out of him. I ran a few more quick errands and headed back home. We spent more time at my house, playing inside and out, eating zucchini bread, and trying to get him to take a nap (to no avail). I introduced him to the cows in our front pasture and he was quite amused. He like touching my cats. No, not continuous petting, but just a quick, gentle touch and he's done until he wants another touch.

I also introduced him to my garden, and thought I'd give him some peas. He LOVED them!! At first, he was okay with me giving them to him one by one. Then he wanted to hold his own pod, after I'd opened it, of course. We sat on my front steps and it was so cute watching his chubby little fingers pluck the peas from the pod. He was so desparate for more when his pod was empty, and he'd get a little frustrated while waiting a few seconds for the next one. When he got done with one pod, he'd crumple it up in his hands, throw it in the dirt, and then clap. Then the process would start again. This kept us both quite entertained for at least 45 minutes and 2 refills. Here are a few cute pictures of my little guy friend.

Drama on the Homefront

Okay, so I'm trying to hold back from publishing on facebook, "super tired of the drama...God help us all!" That's how I feel though. Would you all please pray for my in-law family? With my SIL's marriage up in the air, things are tense, especially as the family is split in half as to whether or not they should get divorced. I wrote BIL on Facebook a few weeks ago because I was thinking about him because I'd eaten a meal from a restaurant here that he always talks about and loves, and asked what he's been up to (he has moved back to his parents'). One sentence to him. He wrote back a four-inch response, including his heart's cry to reconcile with my SIL. I'll spare the details, since it's all right there on the world wide web for everyone to see, but I wrote him back. I wrote nothing that I would not say to anyone's face. Conrad even read it and agreed that it was fine...all stuff that's been said before and will be said again. Fast-forward to today. Conrad told him dad this a.m that we'd written BIL and told him what I said. It wasn't a popular decision on my part, but his dad could't sat anything about me saying we were praying for their marriage, would love to see it restored, etc. But FIL must've talked to SIL at some point, and now he's come unglued! I just called Conrad like I always do on my lunch break and apparently it's been a drama-filled day.....stuff from months ago is coming up, I've spoken to the "enemy", etc., etc. AHHHHHHH!! SIL won't even talk to Conrad or me, besides responding 3 weeks later to a generic wall post I sent to her about possibly joining us for a concert. No one works things out in this family!! Okay, overgeneralization there...Conrad and I are pretty good at working things out most of the time. The others, however, circle around and around until things from a decade ago resurface.

All this to say...please pray for us. Conrad is stressed already because of harvest/getting things in the ground for next year, and family drama is the last thing he needs. We need wisdom in how to handle this family stuff...I don't want to back down from my stance on them not divorcing. There is no valid reason (no infidelity, no abuse), just selfishness that we all have to work out in our relationships. Thanks for your prayers!!

A Few Songs that Have Spoken to Me Lately

I've had Christian radio on a lot lately while I've been attempting wallpaper removal in my computer room. The wallpaper has been a thorn in my side, but I've heard one song A LOT, and though it's not usually one that I would normally say was my style, the words speak to me:

No Matter What
Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what
No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help
I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God, You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s ok if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You

Another song that isn't "new", but speaks to me is Jeremy Camp's line in Walk by Faith that says:

Help me to rid my envious fears, you've been so faithful for all these years.

There are many more songs that God's used to give me peace, and even some joy in the midst of life's current struggles. He also gives me reminders of His faithfulness. I am so thankful for His love, and for the supportive people He's put in my life. He has never left me or forsaken me, even the the midst of my psycho infertile lady moods. I can't scare Him away! Thank you, God, that you are faithful, and that you DO have a family for Conrad and I, even though we don't know when or how it will come to be. Thank you for strengthening us individually and in our marriage, as well as in our relationship with you.

GUESS WHAT?!?!

I'm not pregnant.

Feeling slightly sarcastic today I guess. After 3 pregnancy announcements on FB today, can you blame me? Thanks to some great prescription drugs, I don't weep every time I get another pregnancy announcement. However, I do get cynical, sarcastic, and wavering in my belief that a miracle is going to happen in my life. I know this isn't of God. He has something great in store, and I do feel like we're getting closer to being parents...most days.

And it's NOT that I am not happy for my friends. Every announcement came from someone in a committed, loving, healthy marriage, and I am excited for them. I know some people in the infertility world block their FB friends that are expecting, just so they don't have to see every baby-related update. Though the updates sting a little, I do like knowing what's going on in my friends' pregnancies, and plan on excitedly sharing my own pregnancy/baby updates someday. I wish I was preggo with you. So, if you are my friend and are preggo, know that I AM happy for you, and I LOVE you and your baby:)

Sorry about the super uncensored post tonight...the end of a looooooooooong Monday may not be the best time to write. Okay, so now I'll go nurse my pain with an ooey-gooey brownie I took from a little ladies' get-together I went to tonight. Is this why I've gained 20 pounds since starting TTC???

Foreigner

It was never on my list of 100 things, or even 1,000 things to do before I die, but Conrad was THRILLED when he heard Foreigner was coming to the EISF this year. Though it's a hard time to break away, Conrad was able to leave the farm for a few hours in order to head to the fair for the concert. Thanks to the rain, we got there earlier than originally thought. Good thing, since we had a funnel cake, tiger ear, curly fries, scone nuggets, etc. to eat before the concert. Don't worry, all the above items were shared between 3 or more people...and boy did they go down well:)


Did I mention that it was raining at the fair that day? Pouring, actually. Luckily, I had my raincoat and enough foresight to wear the boots I usually wear while doing yard work. We had tickets on the track, which meant standing in three inches of mud for the whole concert. It stopped raining ten minutes into the concert, which was very welcome, though the rain added to the experience and gave us stories to tell, like how Andrea lost both soles on her sexy black boots she'd worn.

Do you like Foreigner?? A few songs (that I've heard but didn't know the band that sang them) include; I wanna know what love is....I want you to show me...; I've been waiting...for a girl like you...to walk into my life...; Hot-blooded, check it see...I got a fever of a hundred and three... Oldies but goodies:) Conrad had a blast, and was singing every word to every song. I sang the few lines I knew here and there. It was a great show! I didn't get great pics of the band, though the one with Anjo, Pooh, and me has the band behind us if you look close...What a wet, muddy, fun night!!

Good News...Now it's Just Timing...

First of all, I want to say that I DO realize that my blog entries are like a roller coaster. That's just the way my mind works these days (weeks, months, years...):)

Secondly, the reason for this post...and I'll try not to babble too much:

Remember back with me to April when I posted about the painful HSG test I had done to check my fallopian tubes, and the disappointing/maddening/useless follow-up appointment with the doctor I was referred to for future IUI treatments. I knew what the x-ray had shown--I'm not blind--and all I wanted to know was if there was any way to tell which ovary was ovulating, since pregnancy obviously won't happen if it's the ovary connected to my blocked tube. In very few words, he said, "no." He basically just told me that we'd set a number of times to try IUI (4-6) before pursuing IVF. So this whole time, I'm thinking that if only there was a way to tell which ovary was ovulating, so as not to waste a precious $600 if it wasn't the right one, that would solve a lot of potential problems!! Let me enter a side-note here: After this doctor (Dr.C) gets me pregnant, I'm going back to the other OB...

Nurse T is Dr.C's nurse. Conrad and I know her and her husband because they live in our small community, are members of the CU I work at, and her husband is the manager of a local business that Conrad does a lot of farm business with. She just got back to work yesterday from maternity leave. Last week, Conrad stopped by to talk to her husband, and she was there with their new baby. After business talk, they started talking about babies, etc. She told him to have me call her when she gets back to work because she knows of something else that we can do, in addition to our plans already. I called her yesterday, and she told me that they can do an ultrasound to find out if the open-fallopian-tubed ovary is the one ovulating. My first thought was the cost of that, on top of the $600 some-odd for the clomid/IUI/etc. She said her's ranged right around $200. Not bad! This gave me A LOT of peace, because then I know that we won't do the IUI if I'm not ovulating at all, or not ovulating from the open side.

Today, Nurse T left a message on my phone after talking to Dr.C, saying she found out that they could use an ultrasound machine they have right in the office, so it'd be even cheaper! I am thankful for Nurse T, and for her looking after my case, so to speak. I know it's her job, but I also feel like she's gone above and beyond. If only I liked the doctor she worked for! I would love to become closer with her and her husband--she's my age, and her husband's a few years older than Conrad. They aren't Christians, but they aren't LDS (a miracle in my small community!), so I think there's potential for a good relationship and also sharing God with their family.

If you would all just pray that I will have wisdom about timing and that mine and Conrad's schedules would work out to be able to pursue the IUI treatments, I'd appreciate it. I feel hopeful that something will *happen* in the near future, and I'm thankful for God's peace.

Also, the grain crops are coming in, and they are amazing! Conrad is such a great example of excellence in his farming, and I love and respect that about him!! The prices are also good, so we just need a continuation of good crops/good prices, and money will cease to be as big of an obstacle as we pursue pregnancy.

"Sure. I'd love to attend your baby shower. Is it okay if I bring my therapist?"

So...on FB, I "like" the 999 reasons to laugh at infertility page. It keeps some humor in the midst of lots of heartache. Some are so true, I chuckle to myself because I've done/thought something they mention. Others are off-the-wall (but have some merit), like the one that encouraged the most recent bachelorette to have each guy do a semen analysis before choosing her future husband, weeding out the ones with low count/motility. Others hit a little deeper, depending on how I'm feeling on a particular day. For example, I was talking to Conrad Sunday about the horror of baby showers, and then today's thought on the FB page was about baby showers...apparently I'm not the only one that dreads/avoids them.

One thing I do appreciate about social networking and the internet is that it connects people that otherwise would have to go this journey alone. I can't tell you the relief I've felt over the past year and a half when I've been able to talk about and read about infertility struggles. The first year, I didn't have any of this and can't even begin to explain the loneliness. Thank you, God, for working through technology to connect your children so they can encourage each other.

On a sad note, I just want to ask that you'd pray for my friend Lisa, who after her 4th IUI treatment, got pregnant, and just found out last week (at 14 weeks), that there was no heartbeat. She was scheduled for a D&C today. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of that loss. My prayers are with you, Lisa. Thank you for being such a strong, inspiring person, even through your painful journey.

Trip to Boise with the Girls!!

Have I ever mentioned that I have amazing friends?? Well, just in case I haven't, let me say it again, "I HAVE AMAZING FRIENDS!!!!" I went to Boise last weekend to 1)get away, 2)celebrate Steph's bday early, 3)see friends, 4)eat good food (had to throw this in there!). I was surrounded by people I've been friends with for different amounts of time: Andrea, 20+ years; Steph, Erin, Jeannie, Britt, almost 10 years!; Jenny, friendship growing over the past 4 years. We all had a blast. I feel so blessed to have such great friends...friends that I can pick up right where we left off last time we saw each other, like it was yesterday. I hate to brag, but I do have the best friends EVER.

In Boise we laughed a lot, played with Gunther (Erin's great dane, and our host for 2 nights), floated the river in a raft, ate yummy food (besides the grumpy waitress at an upscale "China Bistro"), weathered a monsoon to eat our pizza outside when we were STARVING after our float trip, went to a great church service and saw a handful of people from our Chi Alpha days, walked the botanical gardens (played with allium skeletons, dreamed about landscaping my yard), had great conversations and took fun pictures.

Money...

Money...I don't like it. Yeah, I know that Dave Ramsey says that money is amoral--not good, not bad. But...

Today our water got turned back on after 3 days. We (well, the guys we hired) had to replace tons of parts to our well...a fun part of being a homeowner:) Our bill for parts was estimated at $5,900 (this is with 15% off), plus we get to pay for their labor.

On the upside, this problem occured in the summer and not the winter, we have a 5 year warranty on the equipment (usually you get 1 year or nothing), and the pump guy said it should last 16-20 years.

On the downside, this is A LOT of money!!! Not only is it money we don't have, but it's money that we've been hoping to save up for infertility treatments. I guess I do like running water, but, REALLY?!

So now, what I'm trying to do is remind myself that God is in control of our lives--our finances, our future family, our home, etc., etc. Sometimes it's hard to remember this, but I'm trying. Okay, maybe next post will be more upbeat:) Until then, I'm going to enjoy watering my lawn and garden, showering, flushing the toilet, washing dishes, etc.

Isn't this a "Special Time"?

I just got off the phone with a friend and we had a very truthful conversation that is making me laugh now when I go over it again in my head. Our combined symptoms include: not fitting in pants we fit in last week, laying in the hallway awaiting the next date with the porcelin throne, unquenchable pain despite our desparate attemps at popping OTC pain relievers, etc., etc. After we compared notes, I said, "isn't this a special time?" To which she responded, sarcastically (of course), "oh yeah."

Okay, so I never thought I'd blog about Aunt Flow, but she deserved it today. Also, I figure it's better to laugh than to cry at her oh-so-unwanted arrival in my life AGAIN. One day, Aunt Flow, you will LEAVE ME ALONE for 9 months and give me some peace! Until then, I will make light of, and curse, your unwelcome visits.

Happy 7th Anniversary to US!

More Than Flowers by Eric Ludy
What will it be like
To spend life at your side?
I´m eager to say "I do"
And share my life with you
I want our love to be
Something sweet and heavenly
Moving angels to tears with its simple purity
I want our love to shine,
Be the romance of all time
One that lives love louder
'Cause it's shown with more than flowers

I want you to see me
living out my love for you daily
I want you to hear me
adoring you with every word I speak
I want you to catch me
serving you in ways you weren't suppose to see
It's then you'll know
Far more than flowers could ever show

What will it be like
To never say good-bye?
To hold you every night,
to love you with my life?
I want our love to be
A taste of eternity,
a picture of God's grace
Reflection of His face
I want our love to glow, to demonstrate and show
God's eternal power, shown with more than flowers

(chorus)


I LOVE the words of this song. I remember reading it in the back of a book that Eric Ludy had written, but the cd had been removed so I didn't know what the music was like. My friend Holly is good at singing, guitar, and putting music with words, so she did an awesome job fitting the words with the perfect music to sing at our wedding.

Here's to 7 AMAZING years with the MAN OF MY DREAMS!! And MANY MORE.......

I Heart Love

Weddings always get me thinking. I love them. I went to one today that made me happy:) CONGRATS BREANNE & AARON!!!

What I love most is watching a commitment being made between two people and God, a covenant to love each other NO MATTER WHAT, one to be honored and protected. The pastor today gave a mini sermon on a healthy marriage in 4 words. I can't remember them all, but two were communication and courtesy. Overall, Conrad and I have a healthy marriage. He even said while we were driving down the mountain (the wedding was up a mountain--beautiful!) that he feels like we do the things the pastor was talking about. Not that there isn't room for improvement, but we are on the right track and were happy for the reminders. I know that it's easy to say "communicate!" or "be courteous to each other!", but it's hard to always follow through. God, please help Conrad and I continue to grow in you and in our relationship with each other. Thank you for GRACE and your hand in our lives.

What God has joined together, let no man separate!!

Trip to the Past

When I decided to quit my job as a social worker at a private agency about two years ago, I knew that no matter what, my time there had left an impact on my life. Working with adults labeled with "severe chronic mental illness" was mostly rewarding but also challenging and, at times, heart-breaking. As much as I tried to keep my emotions from taking over, it's hard to immerse yourself into relationships like that without emotion. Overall, I feel like I had a good balance (God knows these people don't need robots spouting off facts to them). Social work is a career with a very high burnout rate, and I hit burnout full speed ahead. Part of me wonders if it was mostly because I was feeling unsettled with things in my own life (i.e. infertility), but regardless, I have not regretted my decision.

After a year and a half since my last day at the agency, I went back yesterday to visit. My old boss needed some help distributing brochures for an upcoming continuing ed presentation, and she also said that a few of the clients had been asking a lot about me. It was nice to volunteer some time to get some free credits, and it was a great excuse to see some of the people that will always have a place in my heart. When I walked in, one client ran over to me, threw his arms open for a hug, and yelled, "Adriane!" *B* started rattling off changes in his life, good and bad, and telling me of some accomplishments he's made. Another client came over with her formerly toothless grin (yay for dentures!), and started telling me how much she misses me. At times, she would stop talking and just stare at me, smiling. When the new social worker came out, *B* said, "This is Adriane, she's the best social worker ever!!" My heart was full!

I saw a few of the other clients I'd known from a few years ago. Things have changed at the agency. Two key group members have passed away in the last few months. There's definitely a void. *F* told me that she has had surgery recently to remove her uterus, which contained a fist-sized tumor. After saying, "you won't even want to look at me," she took off her wig to reveal her baldness, resulting from her chemo treatments as a precaution in case the uterine cancer had spread.

I continue to be amazed at how much people can go through and still continue to fight. I believe God has a special grace on those battling severe chronic mental illness. Yesterday's visit was full of, "Are you coming back to work here?", and "It's just not the same without you," and "You helped me so much." It made me smile from the outside in, because I know that God had me in that place for His purpose, and for His amount of time, to impact people that He loves.

Drama Queens

This morning I am brought back to the drama of some issues surrounding some people in my life. People are saying and doing things I never even dreamed of happening. Why do people play favorites with their kids? Why does the talk of divorce bring out the worst in people? Why do people twist their beliefs to try and justify their current situation (or that of the family "princess")? After an ongoing battle for three years, he has left, and she's coming home to further degrade him to her family, masquerading the trip as a trip home to attend her friend's wedding. He thinks the whole fam damily is against him (because he hasn't heard otherwise), and though I desparately want to send him a FB message saying, "we're not!", I'm in a quandry because it would escalate the entire situation with princess, not to mention others that hold some pieces of our future in their hands (i.e. family business). ARG!

God, I need wisdom, patience, and strength. Help Conrad and I stand up for what's right and speak our piece in love. Thank you that you can restore relationships, even after we (imperfect humans) rip them apart. YOU ARE PEACE.

Domestic Goddess

There must be something about letting all my feelings out of my head and onto paper...er...the world wide web. I did take a walk last night, and Gracie decided to join me. We saw the sunset, and it was so calm outside. Gracie alternated between running ahead of me, walking beside me, and rolling around in the dirt. I'm grateful God gave us pets, mine rock! When I got back, I took a bath. I LOVE baths. I haven't taken one for awhile because it's been too hot. But last night, with the windows open (and after getting soaked when setting up the sprinker) I was cold enough to jump in a hot bath and read. My mom got my sister and I Beth Moore's new book So Long, Insecurity after we all went to the simulcast in April? May? So far, so good. It was very relaxing.

Today, I woke up MOTIVATED! I went on a walk to the mailbox--not hardcore exercise, but swift walking 1.4 miles anyway. I did some yardwork, got stuffed peppers going for dinner, took in a shirt, hemmed some jeans (now I have a new outfit that cost me $3.50 between yard sale and Goodwill!!), mowed the lawn for two hours, took a much-needed shower, started some blog entries, de-cluttered a bit in the office, had a photoshoot with Jack and Gracie, hoed the WHOLE garden (can you say "massage"?!), and set the sprinkler out on the garden. I'm going to sleep good tonight! Oh yeah, on my walk this a.m. I listened to Mercyme, and I read my Bible when I got home...MUCH NEEDED! Thank you, God, for carrying me through the rollercoaster of life. YOU ARE FAITHFUL!

Stuffed Peppers

Do you want a dinner that you can make ahead and then smell cooking all day?? Here's one that my mom has made that I have always loved! It's super easy, and healthy too, I would imagine (lean protein, whole grain, and vegetable). I have tried it in the slow-cooker, but didn't like the outcome as much as a kettle on the stove (seemed more mushy). Here's the recipe:

Stuffed Peppers
MIX: 1 lb. ground beef, 1/2 cup barley, 1/2 cup parmasean, 1 egg, 8oz. tomato sauce, and salt and pepper (sometime I just let people add their own as needed).

STUFF: 6 hollowed-out peppers and put in a large kettle.

POUR: A large can (46 oz.) of tomato juice over peppers.

Cover and bring to a boil. After it reaches boiling, turn down to "simmer", put foil over pan, and then the lid. You can peek after 1.5 hours, but it usually takes longer. Today, I let them simmer for about 5 hours, just because we weren't quite ready for dinner yet. You'll know the stuffed peppers are done when the barley is cooked.

**I use red peppers because they're sweeter than green. You do what you like:)

Doing Something Healthy (for the first time in a long time)

So far, this evening hasn't been a good one. I'm finding myself dwelling on what isn't right in my life or in the lives around me. Top on my list, as usual, is the current infertility battle. Lately I've been trying to convince myself that I don't really want kids anyway...they're expensive, they "tie" you down, and they are time-consuming. Fortunately for my future kids, none of these attempts at convincing myself away from kids is working. I desperately want to hold my baby in my arms, to kiss his or her soft face all day, and ultimately to raise a family with Conrad. Other thoughts that are weighing heavily on my mind are ones surrounding marriages that are being tossed aside like yesterday's trash. Where is the commitment, people?! I stood in your ceremony, I talked in depth with you and took advice about a healthy Christian marriage from you...and now you're calling it quits? I just don't understand. It makes me mad.

With all this occupying my mind, I can tell that I haven't given my thoughts and emotions totally over to God. How can I tell?? Well,my mind is so occupied and cluttered with garbage, that I can barely find strength to take care of myself, my house, my husband, my yard, our business books, etc., etc. I wander around the house aimlessly, thinking about things that need to be done, but wander to the next room looking for who knows what? I'm not getting anything productive done, and I know I should be. Yes, I know there's a time to relax, and I don't have to be super-cleaner wife every second of every day. But when I'm the exact opposite for days at a time, there's a problem. I guess the bottom line is that I'm beyond overwhelmed and cannot seem to find solace. The solution: I have no idea.

But for now--in going with the title of this current entry--I'm going for a walk. It's a start. Breathe in some fresh air, admire the fields around me, and listen to some uplifting music (or maybe just the birds and the irrigation sprinklers).

Ugly Dress Party

My sister and I have gotten in the habit of going to Goodwill on Sundays after church. It's nice because 1)I'm in the "big city" for church that day and 2)Goodwill has changed the color of the tag that's 1/2 off for the week. These days it's hard for me to spend more than $4 on any clothing item, even more than $2 for a shirt is pushing it!! All this to say... in one of our outings a few months ago, as we were flipping through the *fabulous* dresses that people had gotten rid of, I had an epiphany...AN UGLY DRESS PARTY!! How fun would that be?!?! I ran it by my sister and she agreed that there was fun to be had. It turned out to be SUPER fun, and I am waiting for enough time to pass so I can plan another crazy party:)

Here is a picture of me in a dressing room trying on a hideous dress. Gotta love the 4 foot shoulder span, right? I really wanted this dress, but because I'm not a size 2, I couldn't button up the front (thus the pic of me shoulders and up).

My co-workers humored me and came to my party...all but my manager who had other plans. Have I mentioned before that I love my co-workers? God totally blessed me. MC (on the right) couldn't find an ugly dress, but wore a dress for me anyway, even though she hates them. A (with the baby) borrowed one that her sister used to wear a decade or so ago...too bad the rhinestone jewel that used to hang in the cut-out heart is missing:( And then there's M, who can make anything look cute.

I borrowed a fellow partier's hat for this photo-op. Gotta love being a goofball! It was so fun to let loose and just be silly. I need to do it more often!!

My friends since childhood and my sexy sister in the middle. Love Amanda's fluffy bangs and floral ensemble, Pooh's peach, fringy, lacey, mother-of-the-bride looking dress, and Andrea's 80's? early 90's? hair/pleather black mini skirt.

The whole crew (besides co-worker MC who's watching A's baby inside). I had this printed into an 8x10 and it's such a great picture!!! I still chuckle out loud whenever I think about how crazy we all looked. It was a blast!

Fairly Boring....

I haven't written for a little while, mostly because I have nothing to write:) We have decided to wait for doing any fertility treatments, mostly because we don't have the money (nevermind the 16 year olds--or the aliens--that are fertile myrtles and have multiple children for free.......that's another post for another day, or not). I'm still praying, and I think I actually feel at peace right now. I was talking to a friend this week and was saying that I don't know if it's peace or disillusioned, bitter complacency. I will say that it's peace. Peace says that I am hopeful (I am), and that I trust God (I do), even in the midst of the questioning.

I have found myself lacking peace in some other areas. I wake up at night and can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing thinking about all the people getting divorced. CRAZY stuff! I hate divorce, and it breaks my heart. I can't even imagine how it affects the heart of God. I will have to say that some (2 of the 10 I know of right now) are warranted. No one should have to stay in a marriage where they are being physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or sexually abused. But as far as the petty, every-day annoyances that come with living with another imperfect human being-----divorce is NOT the answer! GRRR. K, that's that.

I am trying to clean like crazy this week because I'm having an ugly dress party on Friday night. The idea came to me during one of my weekly stops at Goodwill. So many ugly dresses screaming for one more chance! I will definitely post some pictures. Speaking of cleaning, I better get going so I can use Conrad while he's off today to do some yardwork. I love Sundays when we can work together in the yard and around the house. I love my man:)

The Dam Race...Minidoka Dam, ID

This was my first 5K of the year, and I have to say that it went better than it should have considering I've exercised 6 days out of the last 3 months! Andrea was my positive self-talker, saying "you're awesome", "we're awesome", "we're runners", etc. It is such an exhilarating feeling to finish a goal of wogging 5K. After the first mile, I was thinking I might die. It didn't help that we were jogging into the 50mph winds, I had a bad cold, and my legs were in shock. But, nonetheless, I FINISHED. Our time was 35:52 minutes(about 11:45 min. miles). Not amazing by any means, but it was my best time out of the 4 5Ks I've participated in. Because it was so cold and windy, Andrea and I actually wore the hoods of our hoodie sweatshirts. At the starting line, she leaned over and asked, in all seriousness, "Do I look like the unibomber?" Let's just say we weren't going to win any fashion awards, but it didn't matter at that point, we were all about survival! Steph did the 10K run and made me a proud friend! Her training paid off and she rocked the 10K with endurance and grace!! I never thought I'd like to "pay to run", but these races are great hang-out time, as well as self-esteem boosters. And, it's actually a healthy activity to do with friends (as opposed to my other favorites--eating good food, watching movies, eating desserts, etc.).