So far, this evening hasn't been a good one. I'm finding myself dwelling on what isn't right in my life or in the lives around me. Top on my list, as usual, is the current infertility battle. Lately I've been trying to convince myself that I don't really want kids anyway...they're expensive, they "tie" you down, and they are time-consuming. Fortunately for my future kids, none of these attempts at convincing myself away from kids is working. I desperately want to hold my baby in my arms, to kiss his or her soft face all day, and ultimately to raise a family with Conrad. Other thoughts that are weighing heavily on my mind are ones surrounding marriages that are being tossed aside like yesterday's trash. Where is the commitment, people?! I stood in your ceremony, I talked in depth with you and took advice about a healthy Christian marriage from you...and now you're calling it quits? I just don't understand. It makes me mad.
With all this occupying my mind, I can tell that I haven't given my thoughts and emotions totally over to God. How can I tell?? Well,my mind is so occupied and cluttered with garbage, that I can barely find strength to take care of myself, my house, my husband, my yard, our business books, etc., etc. I wander around the house aimlessly, thinking about things that need to be done, but wander to the next room looking for who knows what? I'm not getting anything productive done, and I know I should be. Yes, I know there's a time to relax, and I don't have to be super-cleaner wife every second of every day. But when I'm the exact opposite for days at a time, there's a problem. I guess the bottom line is that I'm beyond overwhelmed and cannot seem to find solace. The solution: I have no idea.
But for now--in going with the title of this current entry--I'm going for a walk. It's a start. Breathe in some fresh air, admire the fields around me, and listen to some uplifting music (or maybe just the birds and the irrigation sprinklers).
3 comments:
I don't know what the answer is, either. I could spout the Sunday School answer and say, "Jesus," and of course, that IS the answer, but it's not that easy to walk in Him and let him have all this crap. I have to say tho, that I haven't really been reading my Bible regularly, in, oh, I don't know how long, and I've recently started a reading plan to read the Bible in 6 months to get myself reading again. And even tho it's fast-paced, and you don't have the time to linger and study (different goal with this plan), I find myself being a lot more sensitive to God's conviction and just the things of God in general, and I can tell you, I've been quite jaded for quite some time now.
I don't know, Adriane, because I'm having similar struggles and I don't know what to do with them either. But know that I think about you and pray for you often, knowing that God has a plan and that plan will come in His time, which is perfect, as cliche as that sounds--we know it's true. And I guess that may be part of the answer--we have to cling to what we know is Truth, because if we don't---well, we know that is a bad road to travel, because we've seen the results of people taking that road too much lately. It ends in death, and it's ugly.
So today as I do laundry and clean the house, I'm going to spout to myself the Truth I know, even as I despise its trite-soundedness, as if quoting it will make everything magically better--trusting that God can change me and help me somehow to surrender these struggles into His hands, and allow myself to die to what plans I had in mind in exchange for His perfect and ultimately much better plans. I have to trust that, because there's no hope in the alternative, and that, I think, would kill me.
Love you, my friend.
Em, Thank you for reminding me of the TRUTH. I had a great day today, and it's helpful to know I have friends that care, and a God that knows what I'm going through and who is faithful. Love you lots!
Some days I have to stop thinking about these type of things because it really upsets me. I have to focus my attention to something else. Like Em, I'm reading Truth and choosing to believe God's plans are for a greater purpose.
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