Friday, October 21, 2011

A New Addition to our Family

Sophie


10 weeks old tomorrow, though this pic was taken at 8 weeks, 1 day. She's a cutie, huh? We are still getting used to having a puppy...potty training, etc. Our cats are less than thrilled about the new addition, but they are tolerating her better now than when we first got her. Conrad's wanted a black lab since we got married, so we now have one. She will be his companion in the pick-up, on the tractor, etc., etc. For now, however, I am her main trainer and we have good days and bad days. Oh well, such is life. She's lovable, though, so I can't stay mad at her too long. Unless of course she licks my lips with her tongue full of cat poop she just retrieved from the litter box. That one took a few days.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Let Me Take It...

Throughout our 3+ years TTC, I have been grateful that I have never had to endure a miscarriage. Though the silent grief of infertility rages on, I think that knowing that I actually was able to get pregnant, but then losing the baby might rip my soul out whole. I know a lot of infertility stories hold a baby, or two, or three, that will not be known here on earth, but is waiting in Heaven.

A few weeks ago, I heard of a close friend trying to give her adorable toddler a sibling losing a baby. My heart was instantly broken. I couldn't call her right at the moment because I was on vacation celebrating my Grandma's 90th birthday. I got some alone time the next day and called her. She didn't answer, so I left a message...a message that I barely squeaked out through the knot in my throat. Who knows what would've happened if she had answered...she'd probably be comforting me!!

I saw her at church the next week and she thanked me for the message. I was in the nursery that week (the answer's yes, before you ask if it's hard to work nursery while TTC and everyone's asking "When?", and newcomers asking "which one's yours?"), and held it together when we hugged. I told Conrad about it later and couldn't keep from crying.

Then comes yesterday. She started talking about a babyshower she went to for a friend's baby due in Nov. She talked about how hard it was because the small group went for pedis and lunch, and it was all baby talk between the guest of honor, one girl ready to pop, and the last just finding out. Just hearing her talk about her experience gripped my heart and I literally could've burst into tears had we not been in a *very* public place. All I could think was No! I'm experiencing these crazy childless grieving emotions so none of my friends will have to, and now she's been having to war with them...not fair. I want it. I will take it. Please, just let my friends be.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

No Announcement

Contrary to popular belief, my prolonged absence from the blow world has not been due to my *surprise* announcement that I didn't want to let slip. No, no. I wish it was. You have no idea how I long to jump on here one day and announce that Conrad and I are going to have a baby.

My sporadic appearances have simply been a mix between not having anything *new* to say/report and being caught up in summer.

Since last spring, whenever people have asked me what our next route is for overcoming infertility, I've said (and yes, I was being completely honest) "I don't know, we are going to address it next fall when Conrad is done with harvest." This has been a safe answer. However, as beet harvest will be wrapping up in less than a month (God-willing), I am feeling the pressure to have a plan.

No one's putting pressure on me but myself. What should we do? Where should we go next? Should we schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist (3 hours away)? Do we even have the money to be addressing IVF? Do we look into accupuncture therapy? Do we look into surgeries to correct the problems and hope they actually work? Do we pursue the adoption route? Do we simply "be still..." and wait for God to do a miracle?

What I wouldn't give to see writing on the wall.