Throughout our 3+ years TTC, I have been grateful that I have never had to endure a miscarriage. Though the silent grief of infertility rages on, I think that knowing that I actually was able to get pregnant, but then losing the baby might rip my soul out whole. I know a lot of infertility stories hold a baby, or two, or three, that will not be known here on earth, but is waiting in Heaven.
A few weeks ago, I heard of a close friend trying to give her adorable toddler a sibling losing a baby. My heart was instantly broken. I couldn't call her right at the moment because I was on vacation celebrating my Grandma's 90th birthday. I got some alone time the next day and called her. She didn't answer, so I left a message...a message that I barely squeaked out through the knot in my throat. Who knows what would've happened if she had answered...she'd probably be comforting me!!
I saw her at church the next week and she thanked me for the message. I was in the nursery that week (the answer's yes, before you ask if it's hard to work nursery while TTC and everyone's asking "When?", and newcomers asking "which one's yours?"), and held it together when we hugged. I told Conrad about it later and couldn't keep from crying.
Then comes yesterday. She started talking about a babyshower she went to for a friend's baby due in Nov. She talked about how hard it was because the small group went for pedis and lunch, and it was all baby talk between the guest of honor, one girl ready to pop, and the last just finding out. Just hearing her talk about her experience gripped my heart and I literally could've burst into tears had we not been in a *very* public place. All I could think was No! I'm experiencing these crazy childless grieving emotions so none of my friends will have to, and now she's been having to war with them...not fair. I want it. I will take it. Please, just let my friends be.
1 comment:
there's lots I always want to say on your posts but don't say because I know there's nothing to say to make anything better. Know that I love you so much, think the world of you; so admire you and Conrad and your faithfulness in all of this; and am praying constantly for you and think of you often. If I was an atheist, I'd say just give up right now. But I'm not. I know we have a God who works everything for the good of us who are called according to His purpose. And that's about all I know. I can't explain why you are childless, and teenagers get pregnant on a one night stand. But I know that you are honoring God, love God, and that He loves you and is grieving with you and is for you. Bless you, my friend. I love you.
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