Great Reminder

I saw a friend re-post this on FB tonight and it struck a cord. It is SO true, but so hard to believe sometimes. All of this heartache is not in vain. I just *know* God has a plan for our family, it is just taking a bit longer--four years longer--than I ever imagined. But, for some reason, pregnancy hasn't happened for us yet and I just need to keep living life to the fullest, even though sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house:) I am so thankful that my God is faithful.

A New Addition to our Family

Sophie


10 weeks old tomorrow, though this pic was taken at 8 weeks, 1 day. She's a cutie, huh? We are still getting used to having a puppy...potty training, etc. Our cats are less than thrilled about the new addition, but they are tolerating her better now than when we first got her. Conrad's wanted a black lab since we got married, so we now have one. She will be his companion in the pick-up, on the tractor, etc., etc. For now, however, I am her main trainer and we have good days and bad days. Oh well, such is life. She's lovable, though, so I can't stay mad at her too long. Unless of course she licks my lips with her tongue full of cat poop she just retrieved from the litter box. That one took a few days.

Let Me Take It...

Throughout our 3+ years TTC, I have been grateful that I have never had to endure a miscarriage. Though the silent grief of infertility rages on, I think that knowing that I actually was able to get pregnant, but then losing the baby might rip my soul out whole. I know a lot of infertility stories hold a baby, or two, or three, that will not be known here on earth, but is waiting in Heaven.

A few weeks ago, I heard of a close friend trying to give her adorable toddler a sibling losing a baby. My heart was instantly broken. I couldn't call her right at the moment because I was on vacation celebrating my Grandma's 90th birthday. I got some alone time the next day and called her. She didn't answer, so I left a message...a message that I barely squeaked out through the knot in my throat. Who knows what would've happened if she had answered...she'd probably be comforting me!!

I saw her at church the next week and she thanked me for the message. I was in the nursery that week (the answer's yes, before you ask if it's hard to work nursery while TTC and everyone's asking "When?", and newcomers asking "which one's yours?"), and held it together when we hugged. I told Conrad about it later and couldn't keep from crying.

Then comes yesterday. She started talking about a babyshower she went to for a friend's baby due in Nov. She talked about how hard it was because the small group went for pedis and lunch, and it was all baby talk between the guest of honor, one girl ready to pop, and the last just finding out. Just hearing her talk about her experience gripped my heart and I literally could've burst into tears had we not been in a *very* public place. All I could think was No! I'm experiencing these crazy childless grieving emotions so none of my friends will have to, and now she's been having to war with them...not fair. I want it. I will take it. Please, just let my friends be.

No Announcement

Contrary to popular belief, my prolonged absence from the blow world has not been due to my *surprise* announcement that I didn't want to let slip. No, no. I wish it was. You have no idea how I long to jump on here one day and announce that Conrad and I are going to have a baby.

My sporadic appearances have simply been a mix between not having anything *new* to say/report and being caught up in summer.

Since last spring, whenever people have asked me what our next route is for overcoming infertility, I've said (and yes, I was being completely honest) "I don't know, we are going to address it next fall when Conrad is done with harvest." This has been a safe answer. However, as beet harvest will be wrapping up in less than a month (God-willing), I am feeling the pressure to have a plan.

No one's putting pressure on me but myself. What should we do? Where should we go next? Should we schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist (3 hours away)? Do we even have the money to be addressing IVF? Do we look into accupuncture therapy? Do we look into surgeries to correct the problems and hope they actually work? Do we pursue the adoption route? Do we simply "be still..." and wait for God to do a miracle?

What I wouldn't give to see writing on the wall.

I Remember...

This picture was taken when I visited Ground Zero.

(sorry about the date stamp...still haven't had time to learn Photoshop)

Most Richly Blessed

Most Richly Blessed
Sometimes I wonder when things go wrong,
Has God forsaken and left me alone?
Then I remember through trials and distress,
He’s always with me,
I’m most richly blessed.

I asked God for strength,
that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn to humbly obey.

I asked for health,
that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches,
that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power,
that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things,
that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I had hoped for,
And almost despite myself,
My unspoken prayers were answered.

He’s always with me
I am, among all men, most richly, blessed.
~Unknown


Last Sunday, we had a guest speaker at church. She is a missionary in Michigan that pastors churches/disciples people who are/were Muslim. She is a white girl from Idaho, who's had her share of difficulties while growing up. Besides being hearing-impaired, she struggled with relational/family issues, and I'm sure other things (like we all have...). God has radically changed her life, and has given her a heart and passion for the lost.

She spoke on love. Loving God, which in turn turns to loving people. Love. A basic concept, right? Sure, but if you're anything like me, it's a concept that seems so basic that it gets overlooked.

Matthew 22:37-39 (NIV)
37 "Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Of course, I've heard that verse, and the next one, before...lots. If you've been to a wedding lately, you've heard parts of 1 Corinthians 13. Ah...so romantic. Of course, it's NOT only a chapter about the love in a marriage. Yes, again, I know that. But that's what I've always related it to. The middle section, where it talks of what love is/isn't, really spoke to me on how I relate with people. Especially in my job as a credit union teller. Of course, if someone's irritating me I still treat them like a princess (or prince)...thank you, years in customer service and as a social worker...but if I'm not loving them in my heart, I'm missing it. God, help me!

1 Corinthians 13 (ESV) (my emphasis added)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

So, again, I know this is "basic" stuff, and maybe I'm the only one who hasn't totally grasped the concept of God's rich/deep/boundless/unconditional love for me and for others, as well as my love for God and others. But, I'm pretty sure it's a lesson that this world as a whole would benefit from reviewing.

Lord, Make This True in My Life

"My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depths of our hearts." ~Mother Teresa

Harvest Time

"If you do the things you need to do when you need to do them, then someday you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them." ~Zig Ziglar

This quote is an important reminder to ME that the hard work the Conrad is putting in now, and hopefully the work I'm doing outside of the home, will not be in vain. We are doing things now to set ourselves up for the future. Sometimes it's hard to look that far into the future when you (I) want things now.

Harvest time should be a happy time, right? Don't get me wrong, I love riding in the combine with Conrad and watching the wheat heads fight to get past the header and be separated out into kernels, leaving the straw behind in hefty rows. I can brag on my man...he is an amazing farmer. His crops are excellent, and beautiful. However, because of our teetering on the financial edge of being able to hire a full-time guy to help out, Conrad works hard. Too hard. He realizes this too, that not only the physical labor, but the investment of mental and emotional stress, cannot be a lifestyle that lasts too many more years without taking a toll. But it's only for a season, I have to remind myself (and he reminds me).

Sometimes I want to fast-forward a few years ahead to when we're able to hire out some jobs, though I know these trying times are shaping our [debt-free] future, and contributing to our growth individually and as a couple. So, today, I'm reminded of why harvest is not always "happy"...when the stress comes due to lack of help, the machines don't work right, and family jealousy runs rampant (this last one could be a whole post in itself, though I'll spare you the misery).

Lord, I know you hold our future in Your hands. Let us trust you, and may Your wisdom shape our every decision. We don't depend on other people to control our destiny...You control it. Give us patience and grace as we ride out this season.

Seattle--August 2011

My friend Andrea moved to Seattle in April to pursue her dream of working for a graphic design firm in downtown Seattle. She lives in a super cute studio apartment about 15 minutes from work. Our friend Steph and I went to visit for a long weekend recently and had a BLAST! The next two pictures were taken at Kerry Park. This is one of my fav lookouts in Seattle and is in the Queen Anne area. We went one day and it was too foggy to see downtown (reminded me of then I took Conrad to Mt.Rushmore for the first time...not impressed). On a clear day, you get a great view!



We went to The Locks in Ballard one afternoon (don't fret, we made it to happy hour on time...). The Locks consists of botanical gardens, live music on weekends during the summer, and, the reason they exist in the first place, to assist boats in the move from salt to fresh water, or vice versa. We watched the whole process and it was pretty cool.



One night, Steph and I walked a few blocks to the Space Needle. It was dusk on Sunday and it was bustling! We walked in circles in the gift shop and walked around outside a bit. Did I mention the weather was PERFECT while we were there? Not one drop of rain.


One afternoon, we went to Boehms's Candy in Issaquah. They have a chef who makes the recipes and they hand-dip all of their chocolates (only 200 chocolate-dippers are left in the USA!). We took a tour of the facility, Mr.Boehm's chalet, and the surrounding grounds. My only complaints: not enough samples on the tour, and a tour nazi that hung around behind our tour group with a scowl (someone needs to eat more chocolate!). We all bought some oh-so-good chocolate and we were happy ladies!



Though I enjoy my little town of 4,000 people and living out in the country, I also enjoyed living the "downtown Seattle" life. This included lots of walking, shopping, eating at awesome happy-hour restaurants (at least once daily...I am now a "happy hour" addict!), shopping at Pike's Place Market, eating yummy gelato and pastries (including an orange/chai cupcake from The Yellow Leaf Cupcake Co.), etc. The last picture in this section shows a vehicle that's preparing to shoot a VW commercial. There were lots of cops and street closures. We tried to get them to let us be extras, but they weren't interested...whatever! Glad we were on foot so we could snoop a bit, though we never saw anything too exciting.








On Saturday, we took the water taxi over to Alki Beach. It was soooo nice to be able to use public transportation to get around...we rarely drove. We walked around the beach for about 15 minutes then went and took our seats at Cactus--a restaurant with awesome decor/set-up/HH food/etc. After we got our fill of amazing Mexican food, we decided to rent a surrey to ride along the bike path at the beach. We became an instant ourist attraction. We had people laughing, staring, taking pictures, and looking longingly with jealousy as we rode around on this bicycle built for three...or so they said. It was a tight squeeze onto that seat since we're all post-adolescence! I haven't had a perma-grin or laughed so hard in a looooooong time!! This pic just shows Andrea, we have lots of other pics on Steph's camera. It was soooo much fun! The best part was when we'd go over the tiniest bump and a bell would announce our encroachment on the next victim, er, passerby:)



On our last night there, we met up with a couple of [new to Steph and me] friends for...wait for it...HH at Ruth's Chris (would never go there on my own tab if it wasn't HH!). From there we went to a little Irish pub close to the Pike's Place, and chatted a while longer, until leaving to hit up the infamous gum wall in Post Alley. This was the first time I was a contributor:) We ended our last night on the town with another ice cream/chocolate/pastry store...surprise! And I wonder why I have a quad chin in the above pic at Kerry park!!




Overall, the trip was a much-needed getaway for this girl. It was fun to hang out with awesome friends, eat amazing food, and explore Seattle. Never a dull moment!

Yes, I'm Still Alive

I haven't been a good blogger AT ALL lately.

Easy excuse=being short-staffed at work+working full-time+being worn out (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually).

Real reason=probably just being lazy...and not feeling like I have anything new to say.

Yes, I've done some fun things this summer...maybe I'll blog about those soon...

However, my emotions (which usually stir me to blog) have remained the same. The constant rollercoaster of; really wanting a baby and having faith it will happen--up! to trying to convince myself that I am just fine with my family consisting of just Conrad and me (and my cats, of course) for the rest of my life--DOWN:(

Maybe AF's arrival this a.m. indicating that we will be going on cycle 40-something is inspiring my writing? Maybe it was last night going to a "Girls' (plus their kids) Night" that turned out to be a "Adriane's the only one out of 10 women who isn't a mommy" night? Could be the half-finished project of the future baby's room that's sitting there because there's no need to rush. Who knows?

I think I will go for a ride in the combine with Conrad later to get away from housework/yardwork and my thoughts that take over when I'm in my quiet house on a whiney day like today.

I promise, my next post will be *happy*.

Happy 8th Anniversary to the Man I Love With All My Heart!!

Today marks 8 years since I made a commitment in front of God and many loved ones to share my life with one [amazing] man. God has been so faithful in our marriage. Sometimes it's easy for me to get down about our childlessness, and it can cloud the whole picture. However, we really do have a great life. I know there's a baby (hopefully a few) in our future...how it's going to happen, I'm not so sure.

Maybe this will be the year? One can hope. But, if it's not quite time for us to be parents yet, God, please give us peace and continue to deepen our relationship with each other and with you. Thank you for blessing me with such an awesome husband--so many great qualities I don't know where to start! God, you went above and beyond when you brought Conrad into my life...he means more to me that I could have ever dreamed a husband would.

I love you, Conrad, with all of my heart.

Psalm 139:16-18

"We dare not conclude that what we are going through lacks the divine touch simply because it entered our life without our permission. Faith is living in advance what we will only understand in reverse." Wayne Cordeiro

God, help this to resonate in my life and the current struggles that can so easily take over a lot of space in my mind. My peace comes in knowing that "you saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" (Psalm 139:16-18, NLT). Nothing that has happened, is happening, or is going to happen was/is/will be a surprise to You. Help me to trust that You're holding me in your hands.

Isaiah 40:25-31

I've heard parts of this verse a million times over the past 2 decades. It's always been *good*, and I like the description of God giving us strenth and "wings like eagles", but it hit me different today. At church, Paul talked on Isaiah 40. As he was wrapping up with the last few verses, God's words to His people hit me differently this time. These are the translations I like the wording best in, though all are good.

(New Living Translation)
25 "To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal?" asks the Holy One.
26 Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name. And he counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away.
27 O Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case?
28 Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak.
30 Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up.
31 But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint

(New International Version)
27 "Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
‘My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God’?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and strengthens the powerless.
30 Even youths will faint and be weary,
and the young will fall exhausted;
31 but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint."

First of all, why do I question that God will fulfill His promises in my life?? Why do I think my "way is hidden from the Lord" or He doesn't "see my troubles"?? Of course He is aware of my heartaches. He knows everything about me. In a snap of a finger he can do whatever He wants in my life, but He chooses to grow me up and mold my character into who I am meant to be by allowing me to walk through storms. I don't want to be a bottle-fed brat. I want to be a woman of godly character that acknowledges and testifies of God's faithfulness throughout the course of my life. Through the ups and the downs.

His faithfulness does not rest on my being happy, or sad, or disillusioned.
It does rest on the fact that HE IS FAITHFUL.
It's His character.
It's who He is.
It is not dependent on me.

Why do I limit God...when it clearly says that He is the everlasting God, Creator of all the earth, renews strength, etc., etc.?? Just because things don't happen when/how I think they should, I often find myself doubting His goodness, awesomeness, and justice. If I hadn't gone through storms in my past, I wouldn't be who I am today. If what I'm going through right now wasn't to the benefit of molding my character, God wouldn't allow me to walk through it. Praise God for His molding...even when it hurts. For it shows us strength we never knew we had. God, help me to grab a hold of your truth. Make this real in my heart and mind. Help me to live it out, and not just think that it's nice to hear once in a while.

Not Everyone Gets Two Birthdays

M got a call about 1:30 yesterday at work that there was a potential heart for Joey. This ist he third "potential heart" they've had, so none of us got our hopes up too much. However, when the next call came within the half-hour, we knew it was for real. M left to pack a few quick things, grab Joey's dad, and headed to SLC. She desparately wanted to talk to Joey before he went into surgery, and she actually got the chance to spend a few hours with him. The surgery got scheduled to begin at midnight. It was kind of weird that it was so many hours after the initial call, because all of us, including M, had thought 2-3 hours max between the time they had a heart and implanting it. I woke up to a text this morning at 6:48 saying that everything went well, the heart was a good fit, and both sides were working (important because the reason for the heart plant was a severely damaged left ventricle) but she couldn't see him yet. Around 10:00, she called the credit union and she was at Joey's side and called to say he's waking up and still had the breathing tube. This was taken out early afternoon. Joey has a new, healthy heart...HURRAY!!! God is so good.

Please continue to pray that his body would accept this new heart, and also pray for the family and other loved ones that had to say goodbuy to someone they loved today. Bittersweet, for sure.

The nurse told Joey, "now you have 2 birthdays...November 22nd and June 23rd!". What a gift.

I Don't Know if I Can Do It!

Parenting, that is.

So much heartache involved! I know, I know, the good outweighs the bad. But with my co-worker's situation with her son, stories of miscarriages and stillbirths, and other tragedies that happen to families, it really makes my heart question if I could take the baddest of the bad. I'm really, really not trying to just focus on that, but one does question What would I do if I were in that situation?? Could I handle it?? Would I totally fall apart??

A friend on FB wrote today, after losing her niece last night: "One of the best ways to have a little Heaven in your home is to have someone you love in Heaven." I like this quote, because it is a reminder that better things are yet to come. Heaven will wash away all our tears and sadness. Meanwhile, it's very heart-wrenching when the quote is referring to a baby girl who's only 2 weeks from being born into this world. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain mommy-to-be is feeling. With two weeks yet to go, little girl was named, had a nursery ready, and had all the last minute items from her baby shower last weekend. Two weeks more, and mommy-to-be would've been able to kiss her daughter's sweet face. Please pray for her and her husband, as well as the rest of the family and close friends, as they mourn this loss.

Nothing New Around Here

I haven't blogged for awhile because, frankly, there's nothing to say. My life stays pretty much the same, day in and day out. I'm not so sure there's anything bad about that, I guess, being as I really don't want any bad excitement in my life. Sometimes the mundane is okay, especially considering what some people around me are going through at this time. Here are a few bullet points on the last month of my life:

**Joey is now able to leave the hospital as long as he's wearing his "life vest". This contraption pretty much shocks his heart back to life if it stops. My co-worker was hoping to be able to take him somewhere cool over the weekend while she and his dad were there...hopefully that worked out, I'm sure he's tired of hospital walls after three weeks.

**I hosted a sleepover party for my sister on Friday night. She turned 24...crazy since she's four years younger than me and I'm only 22:) We had about twelve girls at my house and about ten stayed the night. Lots of GREAT food, laughter, and celebrating a wonderful girl.

**Yesterday, we went to pick up my sister's Aussie friend Kate from the SLC airport. She met Kate while doing her DTS (discipleship training school) in Thailand about two years ago and they developed a deep bond while together for five months in the school. I choked up a little when, from a distance, I saw them greeting each other. My sister says she's had lots of dreams about Kate coming to visit Idaho and is sad when she wakes up---so it's a dream come true this week!! I have been spending time with my sister and Kate, enjoying her joyful, fun personality...and of course, her accent:)

**I went to the Superbike Races (SBK) in Utah on Memorial Day with Conrad and Dad. We stayed over Sunday night, which was awesome because Conrad and I were able to go visit Joey while Dad hung out at the motel. Monday we spent all day at the race track and had lots of fun. It was cold...last year I got sunburned and sweat all day, and this year I couldn't get the chills to go away due to the wind! Luckily, none of the races got cancelled, and it turns out the weather report on the internet was inaccurate to our advantage (no rainshowers!). I'm sure the racers would've been upset with that, too, since they only make one stop in N. America on their 13-stop world tour.

So I guess there are a few items I could've posted about and elaborated on, but there's just not much energy to do so. I still haven't posted pics from Oregon, have I?! Just on Facebook, I think. Now that my husband is working 6am-10:30pm, you'd think I'd have lots of spare time to blog. Nope, I've been enjoying my month of free *Netflix* on-demand and my newest craft projects (hair bows/flowers from fabric). Oh yeah, and mowing my acre of lawn with a push mower.

Update on Joey

It's been a crazy week. Wait, a week?! It feels like it's been months since this whole thing with Joey started. A quick rundown on what has transpired...

He is still at Primary Children's in SLC. He is not even allowed to get up from bed because they do not want him to exert himself whatsoever. Imagine a teenage boy having to lay in bed for 7 days...poor guy! His dad made it from North Dakota and has been with (M) and Joey since about Wednesday. They've done more imaging, EKGs, and other tests to try and narrow down the exact problem and solution. There have been a few bumps in the road, but he has an excellent team working on him.

At this point, he is in 1A (top of the top) priority for a heart transplant. Heart transplant. I am in denial that all of this is even happening! I can't imagine hearing those words about my child. Or having to watch as they poke and prod to try and discover how to keep him alive until his 16th birthday...not to mention High School graduation, marriage, children, career, etc. Once they release him, he will have to live no more than 2 hours from the hospital. We are all wondering how that is going to pan out in their lives.

We get many questions daily about how he is doing and how (M) is holding up...in a small community (4,000, give or take), everyone knows everyone (just about) and is into everyone's business. In this case, that's okay:) The Credit Union is a good place for people to spill their guts, or pry for info. Generally, I do not talk about people with members, but when everyone's so concerned about and praying for Joey, it's easy to find common ground and share our concerns. I'm sure we will plan a community fundraiser event sometime this summer to help with some expenses. (M) has expressed multiple times how much she feels blessed by their circle of friends during this hard time.

On Sunday, I'm going with Conrad and my dad to SLC for some motorcycle races that will happen on Monday. We are going to visit them and I'm so excited to see them. I am praying that a pastor from down there will go and talk with them, and that it will open up doors even wider for me to share my faith. We are most likely going to bring Joey's sister down with us. She'll be done with school for the year, and she's been getting homesick:( She will keep us entertained on the ride down...she has quite the cute personality!

Thank you for your prayers for Joey and his family. There is an obvious reason that his issue was found out before it was fatal. God has a purpose for his life. Now I'm praying that he will open his heart to God and pursue whatever path He has for him. Please let me know if you have any ideas for care package items for a teen boy!! Also, I'm thinking about giving them a copy of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It's so encouraging and not super "religious"...just truth that we all need to discover. Please pray that I would have insight as to how to approach the faith aspect.

Prayers for Joey

On Tuesday I went to work ready for a normal week (finally). Nope. Apparently one co-worker (M) had taken her son and daughter to the doctor in Poky (1/2 hr. away) Monday night for some "minor" complaints--his being a stomach ache and her's an earache. The night ended with Joey being admitted to ICU due to possible heart problems. This is all I found out on Tuesday morning, and we got a few updates throughout the day: They're doing an EKG; he has an enlarged heart and possible clot; and finally, that we was being transported to Primary Children's Hospital (in a big city about 4 hours from our little town). (M) wanted to fly with him, so another co-worker (A) and I headed to Poky to get her keys/car and bring them well-wishes. Joey was in good spirits as the flight crew was getting his wires and IV's situated on the gurney for the flight.

This 15-year-old kid is such a fun, good kid. Conrad and I have "hired" him to help us haul wood or with yardwork, and he's always a talkative, funny guy. It's still hard for me to comprehend that something big is wrong with him:(

As of today, they have diagnosed him with dilated cardiomyopathy (an enlarged heart), and have ruled out that it's an infection that caused it (we were hoping for this, as medication would've probably corrected the problem). This means that there is an abnormality in his heart...probably has been since birth. This is the kind of thing that those athletes drop dead on the court or the field from...seemingly so healthy, but something in their heart just isn't right. It seems that Joey's decision to take a break this year from wrestling and football was a good decision, huh? They put a catheter into his heart (up through the groin area...yikes!) and were able to get a better picture of what's going on. They are putting Joey on a transplant list and the team will meet tonight with the family to discuss a game plan. We are hoping that it won't come to a transplant, and if it does, that it would happen quickly and easily.

Would you please, please, please pray for Joey and (M), and his dad and sister?? My boss talked to (M) today and said she sounds exhausted...I can't imagine the emotions she's had (including the one's associated with her D&C last Wednesday). I know they believe in God, but they haven't accepted Christ as their Savior. I am praying that through this hard time, God would reveal Himself to them...through peace, comfort, medical staff, other patients/families, and physically in Joey's body. My God is so good!

This is the Mother I Have...and Would Love to Be

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." — Washington Irving

Mother's Day Blues

What a mixed bag of mixed emotions I have as Mother's Day nears. It almost feels sacrilegious to say, but it is not my holiday of choice.

YES!! I love my mom, and my grandmas, and my aunts, and my friends' moms, and my friends who are moms. Motherhood is something to be deeply cherished and highly esteemed.

However, this day stirs up so many deep emotions that I can barely stand it. This will be the fourth Mother's Day that I have:
a)hoped to tell my mom and MIL in a fun Mother's Day way that they will soon be grandmas, but there's nothing to say;
b)dreaded church and work because everyone's saying "Happy Mother's Day!", and it doesn't apply to me; and
c)hoped and prayed that maybe next year, I will be a mother.

Thankfully, I'm in the nursery at church tomorrow. Some may think yikes! nursery on Mother's Day? But I like the fact that I can get some baby-lovin' in and avoid the crowds that are in the Mother's Day trance:) j/k:) For the 7+ million people in the U.S. that are struggling with infertility...God help us through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day...and every day of our journey.

Would You Please Pray?

It was a somber afternoon at the credit union today. To make a long story short, my pregnant co-worker found out today that she is carrying a baby, but the baby has no heartbeat. The doctor is going to give her until next Wednesday to naturally miscarry, or he will do a D&C. My heart just broke when she was telling us, and I couldn't help but to cry with her. My heart is sad right now:( Please pray for her--for her physical body, and for her emotions. She isn't a believer, but did say, "Maybe God knew something I didn't." Hopefully I can be a light into her life during this hard time.

I don't mean to turn this around to me, but just one quick thing: when she told us, I thought that could so easily of been me and could feel the fear and emotion rising up inside of me. I will need to "pray without ceasing" so that I will not take this upon myself and my future pregnancy.

Once again, I'm so glad for relationships. Life would be so lonely and lack-luster without others to share it with--the good and the bad. I pray I can be as good of a support to others as they have all been to me.

Babies Everywhere!

Today the second of two friends in five days welcomed a baby boy into their family. Welcome to the world, Alex and Kai!! They are just as precious as can be (from what I can tell from one facebook photo each--come on, more please!), and it makes me realize how bad I want one. To be honest, there have been pregnancy announcements/births that have made me very upset (i.e. local 12-year-old girl pregnant by her 15-year-old [ex-]boyfriend; someone with an unwanted pregancy; you get the idea). However, when my friends who are in a godly, committed relationship have given their announcements of pregnancies and births, all I can think is What a miracle and I can't wait to kiss the baby's face off!

There are times when I try to talk myself out of wanting kids...try to convince myself that I'm complete. But when I return to the most honest, deepest longings of my heart, I know that I am not complete. We are not complete. God has a family in store, and there is a reason why the longings and dreams are there. There is a reason why He's having us wait for the blessing, most likely to build character, build our relationship with Him and with each other, and ultimately, to be able to testify of His faithfulness to fulfill His promises. God, help me to be a quicker learner, and to be open to what you want to teach me through all of this. Here are a few verses about God's faithfulness:

Numbers 23:19
"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Psalm 89:2, 8
"I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself... O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Psalm 9:10
"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Isaiah 25:1
"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."

Hebrews 10:23
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Oregon, Part II

And here we have the rest of the novel about my recent vaca:)

Saturday morning we all slept in a bit and then went right to the beach. There were no head shots that morning:) After we were officially frozen (the cold sand on the bare feet made for numb feet, and the wind was a little bit biting), we headed back to the cottage to get ready for the day. We ate leftovers for lunch, and then headed North toward Newport. Once again, we had a beautiful, sunny day!! We went to the Yaquina Lighthouse and toured and took pictures. We went to an Antique Mall which mostly provided lots of laughs and some free gummy teeth (made for some funny pics later). Jeannie did find a CUTE hat and some gloves there, and Fawn found a beautiful piece of fabric (tablecloth?).

We went further into Newport and finally found our way downtown. We walked around for maybe an hour...browsing in the art galleries, stocking up on salt water taffy, and trying to avoid the smell of the fresh shrimp they were loading into a truck. When we walked down one pier, we saw a couple sea lions swimming around...so cute! On the way back "home" to Waldport, we stopped at an art gallery boasting blown glass decor. It was amazing! Fawn got a beautiful ornament to hang from the ceiling (to add to her current collection), and we watched a bit while a couple took a lesson to make their own blown glass ball. Maybe next time I'm in Oregon, I will take a lesson...looked fun.

Our little cottage was so relaxing, and we spent the late afternoon napping/reading/enjoying the peacefulness. We ate a delicous meal Jeannie prepared, thoroughly enjoying our last meal overlooking the ocean. She made us chicken stuffed with arugula and pepperjack cheese, succotash (didn't know this was a real thing...), and yummy black beans. I could get used to these gourmet meals!! After dinner, we took one last walk on the beach. I was determined to find some pretty seashells and maybe a whole sand dollar, however our beach didn't have much to offer in that department. Once again, we walked until we were numb with coldness. We finished the night with talking, laughing, and attempting to play a card game. Oh yeah, and the gummy teeth made an appearance!

I ended my last night on the coast writing an entry in the Hi-Tide guestbook, trying to concisely document the celebration four friends had shared over a long weekend on the Oregon Coast. Our first night in the house, Jeannie read us all the entries from the many guests the house had hosted. So fun to see where people have traveled from and to read their similar feelings of peace and refreshment.

Sunday was a long day on the road--16 hours! Luckily, we were in good company, and we never had any car problems the whole trip (thank you, God!).

Fawn, Jean, and Britt...thank you for your friendship and for an awesome time on the coast. I will always remember our "10 year celebration" fondly...and probably with a chuckle:)

Calmness in Our Lives

I received this as an e-mail forward and thought it was funny:)

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now."

hahaha. I will post more about my trip later!

10 Years Ago...

...four girls left their parents' homes in Idaho and Wyoming and moved into the dorms on the campus of Idaho State University. Through different classes and friends of friends, they became closer friends and, at a few points in time, roommates. We've all since graduated and gone our separate ways. You know those people that you can go for years without seeing and still pick up right where you left off? These are a few of those people in my life. We haven't had a dull moment yet!

I wasn't sure we'd have internet but we are stealing some Wi-Fi, so I'll update you on the last few days' events. That way, it's not a novel when I get home:)

First and foremost, it has been SO relaxing and refreshing. Mapquest said the drive would be around 9 hours 44 minutes (to be exact), but we took around 12 hours because we ate at a cute little diner called Linda's in Biggs, OR, and stopped at Multnomah Falls to take in the beauty. It was super rainy, so we didn't spend as much time there as we'd hoped. We're hoping Sunday is nicer so we can take more pictures and do the mile long hike...we were soaked after the .2 mile hike (can you say "wet jeans" for the next 4 hours of our trip??). We also stopped at Trader Joe's in Corvalis, per my request. Mostly I love their reusable bags and yummy treats (i.e. chocolate covered toffee, etc.). If it's natural, it's healthy, right? Just kidding.

When we pulled up to our little beach cottage, we were speechless. I think I broke the silence first with my excited babble. My gals have been so good about my babble...I just CAN'T get over the beauty. Our cottage is right on the beach and we can hear the waves crashing all night. It started raining after we were unpacked and we stayed in for the night, eating good dinner, dessert, and erupting into lots of laughter.

Today we were out of here by 10 and headed South. We stopped at a lighthouse and it just so happened that've Velva was ready to give a tour. It was beautiful, and she clearly loves her job...adding her own personality to the tour protocol. We ran down the Pacific Coast Highway from one scenic pullout to the next because we thought it'd provide better photo ops. Look at us, all daring and reckless at our ripe ol' age of 28:)

Next stop, Sea Lion Caves. World's largest, at that. It was pretty cool. It was hard to get good pictures because they do keep you a little bit of a distance away, and though I love my point and shoot, I would've enjoyed a longer lens. We were close enough to see with our bare eyes, however, the different personalities and different body types, etc. I took a video of them to see if I could get anything worth keeping. It mostly turned out blurry and slightly awkward...they bellar like cows and squeal every once and a while.

We stopped in Florence and ate lunch at the Hot Rod Cafe. Now this was an experience. Despite Fawn's hesitance, she let us sit in an acual hot rod convertible while we ate (there were only 2 in the whole diner...this was a privilege). We had to open the doors to get into the booth and everything. It was very funny and everyone who walked by to go to the bathroom just stared and grinned at us.

After picking up a few groceries, we headed back to our cottage for some R & R. I took a nap--I was tired, and perhaps a little grumpy? I felt like a new woman when I woke up and we had a crafty time, where Jeannie taught us how to make hair clip flowers and use all her fixin's. I think I am now addicted. I love being crafty!! Tomorrow we plan on heading North, up toward Newport, after spending the morning walking the beach and maybe doing a few more crafts. I will probably write more tomorrow. Hopefully the day will move slowly...we all knew it'd be a quick trip, but wanted to make it happen.

Thank you, God, for this time of refreshing and enjoying your beauty!! And, thank you for a beautiful, sunny day in Oregon!! You are awesome.

Girls Weekend Away!!

I am going to the Oregon coast this weekend with 3 college friends...we've known each other for 10 years now...I'm feeling OLD!!

We are staying in a beach house (cottage, as the website calls it), and will be touring around the coast for a few days. It'll be a quick trip, I'm afraid (two 1/2 whole days at the house), but it will be great to catch up with some of my fav girls. This little vaca couldn't come at a better time...I'm feeling blah with all the continual infertility emotions; up and down, up and down, repeat a million times.

Please pray for safe travels and a refreshing time of fellowship with my girlfriends. I will post some pictures when I get home:)

SIL's Wisdom

A few days after my birthday, SIL and I finally caught up with each other to chat over the phone. You might remember that we spent some time together in October and I spilled the beans about our struggle with TTC. We spent time at Christmas together, and also in Tucson in February, and nothing ever came up about the whole infertility thing. But, I knew that she'd probably (99.9% sure) tell her mom and dad, as well as her uncle and grandma minutes after I first talked to her about it in October (she shares everything about everyone else with her family). I kept waiting for something to come up from any of these family members, but nothing ever has.

However, six months after first talking about it, she brought it up again. I'm sure the family is *dying* to know what's going on with us (and of course they won't ask us to our face...)! After the typical surface-level "how are you?" "fine, how are you?" etc., she jumped into, "haven't you been going to the doctor for some stuff?" So, what did I do? I laid it on thick! Told her about the painful IUIs (which I didn't really want to go into detail about the process...told her to *google* it), the money constraints, etc. The reason for the "thickness" is due to the fact that it's hard to get a person who chooses their career over their marriage or having children to truly understand the pain that has gone into our journey. She is somewhat condescending in her responses, and some of that shows the fact that she hears info., but doesn't really hear the feelings that are behind what's being said. She said the usual comments a naive person may say to an infertile, "it will happen" (gag me), "what about adoption?", "have you thought about a surrogate?" (is she gonna give us the $60,000 for that?!), etc. And, no, she doesn't know about my blog:) In fact, while we were in Tucson, she made it clear that she thinks FB and blogging are dumb...point taken.

Overall, I am so happy with the support that Conrad and I do have on this journey. Sometimes it'd be nice to know his family is behind us though...emotionally, and maybe even financially. I guess I will take what I can get...which at this point, consists of lots of AMAZING and UNDERSTANDING friends and my family.

Trusting in God's Perfect Timing

"He is never late..." I've heard it a million times. I know it in my head, but how do I instill that into the deepest part of my heart? If I had the answer, I'd be a millionaire:) Just kidding, I know that God can do it. In fact, He did do it--at a high price--when He sent His son to take the weight of the world on himself. The positive consequences, namely peace and healing, are what I need to focus on more in my thoughts concerning inferility.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

I'm sure it would help if I spent more time with Him...in His word, in worship, in prayer, and in silence. I read others' insights into God being a part of their infertility journey, and while it speaks deeply to me and to my faith, I feel like I am lacking wisdom and faith and peace in my own journey. Sure, there are moments of intense peace, or faith, or even joy, but I could sure use more.

Now that my co-worker told our manager about her pregnancy, it's all out in the open...baby talk, that is. She had her first appointment today, and in my head I kept thinking I have to hear this for 7-8 more months...God help me. I know God will grant me grace...He has through the other million pregnancies going on around me.

A few Sundays ago, as I was admiring a friend's ADORABLE newborn at church, a woman "L" passed and after looking over at the baby, looked at me and said, "you're next." I responded, "I hope so." I appreciate her faith. Normally, I would've shrugged this comment off (about 2 years ago, a woman at church who knew of our struggle said to me, "there will be a baby within the year," and look where that ended up). However, "L" is one that has walked this lonely journey of unfulfillment. The doctors told her and her husband that they would never have biological children. She and her mother did not take "no" for an answer and faithfully pursued God in prayer. I've had her mom pray for Conrad and me a couple of times, and it's great to have her insight as a mother of someone who's dreams of a child have come to fruition. "L" told me after her "you're next" comment that she had prayed so hard for her first child. After having her son, she didn't feel like her family was complete. Because of the emotional struggle of TTC baby #1, her husband was reluctant to jump in again for #2. Six years later...a beautiful daughter blessed their life. There's something about hearing other infertile's share their stories of blessing that keeps me pushing on, even when the going gets tough.

God knows my hopes and dreams of being a mommy. He knows just the right time to fulfill that dream. I do believe that, and I will push on.

And....Another Visit

Awesome. As if one time this month were not enough, AF decided to stop by again on day 18, just to rub it in that she can. Here I thought I had just gotten over "prime time" and had progressed into the 2 week wait. What is happening inside my body??? I don't know, but not what needs to be happening for the result I want! My cycle has been by the book for 3 1/2 years, minus the 2 or 3 times I started a few days late. So, I was quite surprised to find the discomfort I felt on Sunday afternoon/evening was in preparation for AF's visit. I thought it was aches and gas pains from all the eating out I've been doing for my two-week birthday celebration!, because surely AF would not be coming around for at least 10 more days. Just make yourself at home, why don't you? Stop by whenever you like, mi casa es su casa, etc., etc. Grrrr. I wish I knew what all this meant but instead, I'll try and take it in stride...and chase it with 600mg of ibuprofen so I can sleep pain-free tonight.

Quote of the Day

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

Birthday Celebration at Work

Have I told you lately that I love my co-workers? I work with 4 of the sweetest, funniest girls at the credit union. We all laugh a lot, and one will belt out songs with me (whether they're playing on the radio or we're doing a cappella). Today we celebrated my birthday since we're all their on Fridays. We got lunch from a local bar & grill, which has the best sandwich EVER. I'd try to describe it, but I will not do it justice. My manager made a delicious chocolate-mint bundt cake; dense chocolate cake marbled with cream-cheese mint filling, draped with hard chocolate shell, and drizzled with mint/whipped topping yumminess. The girls were so sweet and got me a *scentsy* warmer with some scent nuggets. I have been behind the times and haven't bought one yet...just couldn't justify it, even though I wanted one. They are so thoughtful, as are all of my friends. I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, GOD HAS TOTALLY BLESSED ME WITH THE PEOPLE HE'S PUT IN MY LIFE. On a dumb note, my drawer was short $ tonight...not my favorite way to start my birthday weekend:( If you get a second, would you say a little prayer that I can find the offage on Monday (even though 3 of us went through all my work/counted my drawer). I haven't been off in as long as I can remember, and I'm guessing I gave someone a "bonus" and hoping they'll be honest.

Birthday Pedi:)

Yesterday, a close friend surprised me with taking me for a pedicure for my birthday (which is Sunday). I don't think I've had one in 6-7 years, and it was AMAZING!! At first, I was wary because I have two warts on one foot. Sidenote: I was embarassed at first to say I had warts, but I'll tell you everything about TTC:) Anyway, I *googled* "warts and pedis" and it seemed that it wasn't a big deal. Plus, I'm sure they've seen worse feet, like so:


We went to a little Asian place, and had some young Vietnamese men pampering us. Since they massaged up to my kneecaps, I was glad I'd shaved this month!


These aren't my feet, but this is the radiating joy they felt! Thanks, Anjo...You made my day!!!

Pregnancy Announcements

One day, I will have one. Until then, I will grin and bear it when people tell me they are expecting. On Monday, I heard 3 announcements...2 from married couples (who got pregnant with their first and this second one quickly, of course), and the third one was a 16-year-old girl who came into the credit union. What does a 16-year-old do when she's pregnant? Well, there are a few options, but in the Hispanic culture (have I mentioned that caucasians are the minority in my little town?), you get married. I don't know why people think that just because one's pregnant you have to get married. Seriously? I'm sure their relationship hasn't been built on the things that contribute to a healthy, fun, and even bearable marriage.

Today, my co-worker came into the vault (so my manager couldn't hear!) while I was filing and told me she's pregnant. She's been feeling "weird" for a little while, but has definitely not been TTC. In fact, she hasn't even told her significant other. He's gone half the month for work, so she's waiting till he gets home again, and she's not sure how he'll react (they already have a 6- and 15-year-old).

I'm not expecting everyone to put their baby-making on hold just for me. But, these announcements catch me off guard (esp. the teen and my co-worker), and I am thankful that my emotions are under a little bit more control than they've been in the past. I can't pretend that they don't affect me, because they do. I guess we'll see what God has in store for building my family. Conrad and I aren't done trying (that's for you, Michel), so to speak. But, no clomid, no IUIs, etc. for awhile. I'm kind of okay with it...just because it gets so draining emotionally and physically.

She Came

Uninvited as she was, she showed up. Curse you, Aunt Flow.

The Queen of Half-Done Projects

Maybe you know someone, besides me, that digs into projects only to get distracted and move on to another one before the first one is complete. I realized this morning that I am "the queen of half-done projects." Not a super-endearing term, and I wish I was different, but an honest statement about me.

Perhaps the statement popped into my head when I looked outside and saw the leaves that I raked out of the flower beds last week were still sitting in piles along the sidewalk and the edge of the grass. I did honestly want to pick them up last week, but when I walked over to the shed, I found the wheelbarrow was buried under multiple stiff hoses (my attempt last November to get everything inside while it was snowing). Rather than deal with that, I moved on to a different flower bed and made another pile. Then I started trimming back some 4-foot, gangly, *sharp* rose bushes that we are eventually going to pull out. Halfway through this project, I got some severe, stabbing stomach pain, so I came inside and took a nap in attempt to send the butcher knives packing. Needless to say, this rose bush project was left half done.

Another example might be the computer room. After months of working on wallpaper removal, I finally got it painted. In the midst of cleaning out the office, we tried to go through stuff to get rid of so we'd start the year more organized. As I sit here typing, the office is a mess again, I haven't kept up on filing like I wanted to, and I have a pack-rat problem, so I simply re-stacked some piles rather than going through them this winter.

I go into my bedroom and there are piles of clothes. Some for Goodwill, some from MIL for Conrad to go through, some of mine that are in skinny/fat limbo, etc. What I need to do is just go at it hard-core and bring Goodwill what is rightfully theirs, but that requires some organization, since I itemize things for a tax deduction.

I was telling a friend one time that as long as I keep my living room clean, I feel okay about things...I get overwhelmed about clutter, etc., I just go in there where it's organized to feel better for a moment. But there's a flaw even in this plan! Last night as I was dusting, I came across (again) the stack of VHS tapes from my highschool years where I taped shows. I should just toss them, but heaven forbid I throw away the ones with my favorite Dawson's Creek episode, or that one Felicity episode that I loved! Oh, Adriane, live does go on after teenage sitcoms. Not to mention, I could probably watch them on the internet now if I was feeling nostalgic and needed to revisit Dawson, Joey, Pacey, and Jen.

Now, these are a few examples of the MANY I could have given. I don't know what to do to change. I have all these things I want to get in order before we start a family, so the ADHD trend will be stopped and the house can be orderly, but I must not want to change bad enough. There are times when I can see a project through, if I'm really excited about it. The mundane, difficult tasks are the ones that I easily move away from, knowing that some day, week, month, or year, it will still be waiting for some attention. Hmmmmmmmmm.

My name's Adriane, and I'm the Queen of Half-Done Projects.

Just Another Peaceful Night in the Country

So, I've always had this picture of "country living" as a peaceful lifestyle. No train noises, sirens blaring, horns honking, etc., etc.

However, since living in the country over the past few years, I've come to realize that there are different sounds that might keep a person from their beauty sleep. It could be the coyotes (we hear at least every other night), the woodpecker (darn spring, he's back again!), or the family of owls that lives in the backyard. I enjoy living in the midst of this wildlife, minus the coyotes, in the daytime. However, at night, when I'm trying to sleep, I swear the hooting owls are taunting me, just because they can. Don't they have something better to do than sit in one place all night and "hoot"? Then morning dawns, and the woodpecker wakes up. Ah...joy. Can't he sleep until at least 8 or 9, rather than wake up with the sun?! The nerve! I sleep with earplugs, but they barely muffle these sounds. Don't let this cute little owl fool you...he is NOT quiet and cuddly when he's living his nocturnal life.

Oh well, I guess I'll take the good with the bad. And I'll pray that someday, I can sleep in spite of the ruckus going on in the backyard.

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." --Willa Cather

Who Attends a Baby Shower??

I went to a baby shower over the weekend. It was for a friend that I first met when she was in my girls' cell group in college. We both go married and for probably 3 years, give or take?, we were in couples' cell group together. We continue to go to the same church, so I'll get to have her little guy in the nursery:) As I was sitting there, and on the way home, I was pondering the different types of people that may be at a baby shower. Every time you're in a group, you know that there are lots of journey's represented there. Let me explain:

1)The Happy Mother-to-be (or two, since I sat by another expectant mommy) who got pregnant in less than a month (or without trying at all), and is being blessed by her family and friends as she embarks on this new journey.

2)The Current Infertile, who sits through yet another baby shower, desperate for the day that everyone will gather for her's. I am so blessed to have so many caring people in my life, and I really am excited for my future baby shower, whenever that may come. I am grateful that God has brought me to a place where I can attend baby showers and not just sit quietly, choked up, and waiting for the time I can run to my car for a weeping session. I am SO happy for my friend, and for the other babies that are coming.

3)The Past Infertile, who sits at the table with her miracle daughter. There were two (that I know of) that were at the shower with their daughters, and I was reminded of God's faithfulness in both of their lives...zero to two children, each because of the power of prayer.

4)The 'Tweens and Teens, who watch with wonder as the guest of honor pulls out tiny little onesies, and who sits and daydreams about her future as a mommy. I remember baby showers when I was younger, and one just assumes that everyone will get pregnant (easily) and be a mommy. For these girls, I PRAY that their dreams will come true without heartache. But if not, I will be glad to testify to God's grace in my own life (and by then, I WILL have a baby one way or another!).

5)The Been There, Done That's, who offer sound advice to mommy-to-be, and smile while the cute outfit they got the baby is pulled out of the gift bag. They are happy to buy adorable little clothes, because they are reminiscent of a time when they cuddled their own cooing baby. They know what a blessing mommy-to-be is in store for, and are eager to welcome one more to the "mommy club."

I know that I missed a few. Maybe I'll come back to it later, but probably not...

St. Patrick's Breastplate

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever.
By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan river;
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the cherubim;
The sweet 'well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.


What a great prayer! I highlighted my favorite part:) Christ wants to be wholly a part of our lives, and when we surrender to Him, amazing things can happen. God, help me to remember this and to be intentional daily to bind myself to you.

Much, Much Better

Today's IUI went so much better than yesterday's. I was dreading it so bad, but God heard all your prayers for me and answered them:) Hopefully He'll answer the pregnancy ones soon, too!

I seem to have made a lasting impression on the office with my body's antics yesterday. The receptionist said, "wow, you have color today!", and when I was checking out she said they were all worried about me yesterday. The nurse pointed out to Conrad the drawer than held the barf bags. The doc said that the first day is usually worse than the second. The only thing that got me in for today's procedure (besides the deep desire to be a mommy) was thinking that there was no way in he** that I could feel any worse than I did yesterday. The most painful part of today was the fact that my cervix had PTSD so he had to get out some forceps in addition to the usual 8-inch long catheter. YIKES!! The cramping has been very minimal, thank God!

Every time I go, I'm reminded of why I'm switching doctors as soon as I get that BFP. Conrad is even more adamant about it than me. He is so unfriendly! Not rude, just not personable...at all. Today when we were talking about my day 20 clomid check, he told me he was going to be out of town next week. Enter me, trying to make small talk, "Going somewhere fun?" He gave Conrad and me about 20 seconds of an answer, which included us asking some more guiding questions after finding out he was going to a big basketball tourney in Indiana to watch his son. Since Conrad is totally into basketball I thought hmmmm...maybe we could make a *connection* or something. Nope. He was all too eager to walk out of that room. Whatever. Now I know why his former nurse that's an acquaintance of mine isn't missing her job (even though I miss having an ally there!).

Before today's more pleasant IUI experience, I was ready to give up trying any more IUIs because of the pain factor. I am kind of still ready to give it up, especially considering the obstacles we have, and the fact that IUI may not do the trick anyway. We won't be able to do IUI for the next 6-8 months because farming will be starting up hardcore, but even after that, I feel like we're wasting time, money, and pain. I am really hoping that I get a BFP in a couple of weeks. But, if not, I'm praying for a miracle baby conceived naturally, or miracle money to fund an in vitro attempt.

Thank you again to all my friends who support us in this journey. I would be [even more of] an emotional wreck without all of you:) So thankful for God's peace and the friendships He's granted Conrad and me.

IUI #5

I can't believe that it was already time again to do the IUI again...seems like I just had that experience. Does time fly for anyone else? Feels like Valentine's Day was just yesterday.

Out of the 5 times I've had the procedure, today was, by far, the worst--during and after. Cranky nurse was the one who started me out (weight, blood pressure, "do you want me to explain the process again?"--she's never done it in the first place). She did compliment my necklace, but that was the end of the friendliness. During the time the doctor was performing the procedure I wanted to scream and kick, but I tried to remain a lady (as much as one can while...well, you know). I just let out a few grunts and he knew he wasn't making me happy by the grimacing on my face. After he was done, he did the usual "I hope this works," while crossing his fingers, and leaving the room. Yeah, you better hope. :)

After the third and fourth wheel of our baby-making process left, I was literally beside myself in pain. I was so sweaty and hot that I soaked through that *thick* paper they roll out over the bed. Luckily, I had worn a tank top under a cardigan, so i could strip down even more than I was already. I've never felt butcher knives sinking into my gut and twisting, but I'm pretty sure this is how it would feel. Then came the nausea---yes! Luckily, Conrad had asked the nurse for a little cup since I accidentally left the water bottle in the car. Let's just say that little cup was put to work until the nurse (friendly one) could come in with a big red bag that read "infectious waste" down the sides of it. Nothing like being half dressed and puking in front of a stranger. At least it was the nice one, and she got me a cool wash cloth, which helped a lot.

After our 20 minutes of waiting post-IUI, she came in (probably to nicely boot us out of the room...we'd already tied it up for 50 minutes or so) and I told her I couldn't stand up. She helped me up and I made it long enough to get fully clothed, then had to sit again. I walked at a turtle's pace out of that room to schedule tomorrow's IUI. The receptionist said, "you're white as a sheet!". Yes, yes, I know I look amazing with my eyeliner running down my face and all my makeup washed off by the cool cloth (though at this point, I could care less about that!). I was going to go back to work, but once I got there, there was no way I could've stayed. I couldn't even stand up straight, nor did it feel any better to sit down. My co-workers are sooooo sweet to work around my infertility appointment schedule:)

Two high points from the experience: 1)Conrad took me to get a peanut butter cup shake from Arctic Circle (that helped A TON!), and 2)labor can't be anything near the pain I've experienced with all of the poking and prodding I've had done over the past year...bring it ON!

Oh yeah, I guess there's another high point...I could watch the 2-hour special (and hour long post-final rose ceremony show) of The Bachelor without feeling guilty about laying in one spot for 3 hours. Now that's what I call productivity.

Samoas, UTIs, Cute little girls, and pills...

First of all, aren't Samoa Girl Scout cookies the best?! I am eating one right now, even though it's only 11 a.m. They're naughty and I never should've bought them, but I wanted to support my co-workers daughter--selfless, really.

The UTI is not my personal problem, but my little feline Gracie's. She's been beside herself for about 5 days now, and we were able to get her to a vet this morning. Conrad had to take her because I watched a friend's daughter overnight. I offered to take Gracie, and he could wake up with A, but he chose Gracie:) I guess he had a heck of a time at the office, and Conrad's scratced-up hand proves it. Gracie does not like unsolicited attention...especially a rectal thermometer. Poor thing! The vet also gave her a shot, and sent home some antibiotics we have to give her twice a day. That should be interesting.

Last night, I watched a friend's little girl. She's about 18 months old and an absolute doll! Conrad and I had fun with her...she's warming up to him and was playing with us both and smiling and laughing. Should've taken some pictures, but we were having too much fun! She is such a good little baby, and slept 11 hours straight (with only a few vocal squeals during the night). My friend is a single mom, due to circumstances outside of her control, and her soon-to-be-ex-husband is out of state so she really has no "break", so to speak, besides when she's at work. I admire her strength to make it through all of this commotion, and it's fun to watch her little girl grow up and bring such joy to people.

And lastly, the *fun* part of the month where I get to start my regimen of Clomid again. The doc upped by dose to 150mg and told me to take it cd 3-7 instead of 5-9 like I have been. He said the earlier start will give the eggs more of a chance to mature. Each increase also brings more of a chance of multiples, but since only one tube is open, it's not too likely, nor would I be opposed to twins. I'm not looking forward to another IUI, but you do what you gotta do, right? If it doesn't work this month, we'll probably stop doing anything under doctor supervision. The months that Conrad is farming he is so busy and it's hard to break away even for 4 hours during the day. Plus, after the March procedure, I will have used over half of what's available in my health savings account...so... I guess I'll just take it one day at a time, whether I like it or not.

Stuck

Excerpt from the book B12: Doses of Encouragement by Gail McWilliams:

DAY 8: STUCK

You are not stuck, you have been strategically positioned for this hour. Embrace today and its variables, knowing it is adding to your resume and aiding in your upcoming promotion. Everything you have done is in preparation for this moment. Your day is more than just mere routine; it is essential training. Embrace every task with excellence and expectancy.

Psalm 32:8 (NLT)
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.”

Question
How would your day change if you knew you had been positioned instead of being stuck?

May you see the value of where you are.

About two years ago, Gail McWilliams spoke at a women's convention that I attended. She was phenomenal...to say the least. Not only did she struggle with a doctor's diagnosis of "You'll never be able to have children" (she has five, naturally born), but she's also dealt with a rare situation in pregnancy that made her eyes hemmorage every time she was pregnant, ultimately causing complete blindness. Her faith and humor touched me, and I ordered her book Seeing Beyond as soon as I got home. I ate it up, reading her vulnerable truths in a day. I gave it to my MIL, and she passed it on to her mom. This e-mail devotional I got from her was perfect for where I'm at today. I have to believe that every day plays a part in my future, in our future as a couple. None of this is in vain: another month of "trying" to have a baby by IUI, the opposition from family in building our farming operation, the people we are in contact with every day, etc. God has a plan. "God has a plan, and you are a part of it. You are very brave," heard at a Child Crisis Management Training.

May we all embrace every task and every day with excellence and expectancy.

(I'll post a video of her family's story. It will increase your faith...oh, and you might wanna grab a tissue.)

A Little Bit of Encouragement

We've been trying to organize our office for years now:) and so today I've been going through some of my stuff. There are times when I read a Bible verse or see a quote i like, jot it down, and add it to the clutter so I can find it in a year when I'm attempting organization. Today, however, I'm going to post some of those encouragements so I can get rid of a few pieces of paper. Oh yeah, and I need some encouragement.

From Guideposts (submitted by readers, original authors unknown):

"Faith is the place between the way things are and the good that is sure to come."

"If your cup runneth over, set it in someone else's saucer."

"Joy is choosing to see the beauty and blessings no matter what comes our way in life. It doesn't disappear because of the circumstances. Happiness is circumstantial, but joy builds in your life over time." (Ed Young)

A prayer that I ripped out of somewhere, quite fitting:

"Lord, I want to accept the truth that You have given me everything I need. Whatever I face today, You have already provided the resources I need. Remind me that what I feel has no bearing on what You can do. Thank you not only for Your gift of a new relationship with You, but also for the amazing adventure of living life with you."

From God's Word:

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

"'I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations...'" Isaiah 42:6

Speechless

I can always tell when I may have come too close to the boundary line in my writing when I leave everyone *speechless*. That last post came out of frustration, and though it was a tamed-down version of what was actually going on in my head, I can see that it may come across as quite angry and hateful. Really, I'm neither.

I've mentioned before that I love my friends' kids, and count it a privilege to be a part of their lives as they grow up. I know I'm at the age where my peers are having families, and I'm not wishing everyone to have to deal with infertility. In fact, infertility is something I would not wish on even my worst enemy. However, there are a few times I have to check myself when I feel that little bit of jealousy creeping in. Just being honest.

It's like wanting something so bad, and seeing it all around you, and I mean ALL around. I've heard it compared to the desire to be married. Me going to 4 baby showers in the next 4 months is probably as hard as it is for a single person to go to 4 weddings in a summer. Sometimes its hard to understand why God has us wait for the good things in life. It's those times that all we can do is trust Him.

"I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."

Ugh.

It's bed time, but I needed a quick vent. Quick background--when Conrad and I were dating, I had a mentor. She spoke so much into our dating life and into our future married life. We talked about all the hard stuff, and what it meant to be a godly wife. After we were married we met for another year or so. It was a hard adjustment for Conrad and me, but she assured me, "Adriane, you have a great marriage." I'm not the only one she played mentor to. Fast-forward 8 or so years. She leaves her pastor husband because she's had affairs and "hasn't loved him for the last 10 years" (BS), and moves to some po-dunk (sp?) town where she meets/moves in with an old boyfriend and gets married to him 4 months after the divorce is final. And now...

I just logged onto facebook, and I thought pregnancy announcements from young, happily married Christian friends were hard enough (but doable and exciting at the same time...). However, the one I saw tonight I was not prepared for. She's due at the end of August. I just about died. I'm sure her 19-year-old daughter did too. WHY?! This is when it's hard for me. I'm in a [relatively] young, secure, committed, Christian marriage that has potential for a great family. She's had her chance at a family (3 kids) and chose to walk away from it because she was selfish, and guess who's pregnant? Not me. Ugh.


On a brighter note, Conrad and I had dinner with about 15 close friends that we spent 2+ years of our life with doing a young married couples Bible study. We stopped going about 3 years ago due to our change in schedule/location. It was SOOOO great to see everyone. What a blessing that you can go years without deep interactions with others, and still pick up right where you left off! Something that struck me as "would've used to be hard" was the fact that I sat by 3 pregnant friends at one time, and there were about 8 of the *CUTEST* babies/kids running around, but I didn't have one time that I choked up. A year and a half ago, I would've left after an hour of fake smiling. God is definitely making me stronger and filling me with peace. Yay God!