Stuffed Peppers

Do you want a dinner that you can make ahead and then smell cooking all day?? Here's one that my mom has made that I have always loved! It's super easy, and healthy too, I would imagine (lean protein, whole grain, and vegetable). I have tried it in the slow-cooker, but didn't like the outcome as much as a kettle on the stove (seemed more mushy). Here's the recipe:

Stuffed Peppers
MIX: 1 lb. ground beef, 1/2 cup barley, 1/2 cup parmasean, 1 egg, 8oz. tomato sauce, and salt and pepper (sometime I just let people add their own as needed).

STUFF: 6 hollowed-out peppers and put in a large kettle.

POUR: A large can (46 oz.) of tomato juice over peppers.

Cover and bring to a boil. After it reaches boiling, turn down to "simmer", put foil over pan, and then the lid. You can peek after 1.5 hours, but it usually takes longer. Today, I let them simmer for about 5 hours, just because we weren't quite ready for dinner yet. You'll know the stuffed peppers are done when the barley is cooked.

**I use red peppers because they're sweeter than green. You do what you like:)

Doing Something Healthy (for the first time in a long time)

So far, this evening hasn't been a good one. I'm finding myself dwelling on what isn't right in my life or in the lives around me. Top on my list, as usual, is the current infertility battle. Lately I've been trying to convince myself that I don't really want kids anyway...they're expensive, they "tie" you down, and they are time-consuming. Fortunately for my future kids, none of these attempts at convincing myself away from kids is working. I desperately want to hold my baby in my arms, to kiss his or her soft face all day, and ultimately to raise a family with Conrad. Other thoughts that are weighing heavily on my mind are ones surrounding marriages that are being tossed aside like yesterday's trash. Where is the commitment, people?! I stood in your ceremony, I talked in depth with you and took advice about a healthy Christian marriage from you...and now you're calling it quits? I just don't understand. It makes me mad.

With all this occupying my mind, I can tell that I haven't given my thoughts and emotions totally over to God. How can I tell?? Well,my mind is so occupied and cluttered with garbage, that I can barely find strength to take care of myself, my house, my husband, my yard, our business books, etc., etc. I wander around the house aimlessly, thinking about things that need to be done, but wander to the next room looking for who knows what? I'm not getting anything productive done, and I know I should be. Yes, I know there's a time to relax, and I don't have to be super-cleaner wife every second of every day. But when I'm the exact opposite for days at a time, there's a problem. I guess the bottom line is that I'm beyond overwhelmed and cannot seem to find solace. The solution: I have no idea.

But for now--in going with the title of this current entry--I'm going for a walk. It's a start. Breathe in some fresh air, admire the fields around me, and listen to some uplifting music (or maybe just the birds and the irrigation sprinklers).

Ugly Dress Party

My sister and I have gotten in the habit of going to Goodwill on Sundays after church. It's nice because 1)I'm in the "big city" for church that day and 2)Goodwill has changed the color of the tag that's 1/2 off for the week. These days it's hard for me to spend more than $4 on any clothing item, even more than $2 for a shirt is pushing it!! All this to say... in one of our outings a few months ago, as we were flipping through the *fabulous* dresses that people had gotten rid of, I had an epiphany...AN UGLY DRESS PARTY!! How fun would that be?!?! I ran it by my sister and she agreed that there was fun to be had. It turned out to be SUPER fun, and I am waiting for enough time to pass so I can plan another crazy party:)

Here is a picture of me in a dressing room trying on a hideous dress. Gotta love the 4 foot shoulder span, right? I really wanted this dress, but because I'm not a size 2, I couldn't button up the front (thus the pic of me shoulders and up).

My co-workers humored me and came to my party...all but my manager who had other plans. Have I mentioned before that I love my co-workers? God totally blessed me. MC (on the right) couldn't find an ugly dress, but wore a dress for me anyway, even though she hates them. A (with the baby) borrowed one that her sister used to wear a decade or so ago...too bad the rhinestone jewel that used to hang in the cut-out heart is missing:( And then there's M, who can make anything look cute.

I borrowed a fellow partier's hat for this photo-op. Gotta love being a goofball! It was so fun to let loose and just be silly. I need to do it more often!!

My friends since childhood and my sexy sister in the middle. Love Amanda's fluffy bangs and floral ensemble, Pooh's peach, fringy, lacey, mother-of-the-bride looking dress, and Andrea's 80's? early 90's? hair/pleather black mini skirt.

The whole crew (besides co-worker MC who's watching A's baby inside). I had this printed into an 8x10 and it's such a great picture!!! I still chuckle out loud whenever I think about how crazy we all looked. It was a blast!

Fairly Boring....

I haven't written for a little while, mostly because I have nothing to write:) We have decided to wait for doing any fertility treatments, mostly because we don't have the money (nevermind the 16 year olds--or the aliens--that are fertile myrtles and have multiple children for free.......that's another post for another day, or not). I'm still praying, and I think I actually feel at peace right now. I was talking to a friend this week and was saying that I don't know if it's peace or disillusioned, bitter complacency. I will say that it's peace. Peace says that I am hopeful (I am), and that I trust God (I do), even in the midst of the questioning.

I have found myself lacking peace in some other areas. I wake up at night and can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing thinking about all the people getting divorced. CRAZY stuff! I hate divorce, and it breaks my heart. I can't even imagine how it affects the heart of God. I will have to say that some (2 of the 10 I know of right now) are warranted. No one should have to stay in a marriage where they are being physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or sexually abused. But as far as the petty, every-day annoyances that come with living with another imperfect human being-----divorce is NOT the answer! GRRR. K, that's that.

I am trying to clean like crazy this week because I'm having an ugly dress party on Friday night. The idea came to me during one of my weekly stops at Goodwill. So many ugly dresses screaming for one more chance! I will definitely post some pictures. Speaking of cleaning, I better get going so I can use Conrad while he's off today to do some yardwork. I love Sundays when we can work together in the yard and around the house. I love my man:)

The Dam Race...Minidoka Dam, ID

This was my first 5K of the year, and I have to say that it went better than it should have considering I've exercised 6 days out of the last 3 months! Andrea was my positive self-talker, saying "you're awesome", "we're awesome", "we're runners", etc. It is such an exhilarating feeling to finish a goal of wogging 5K. After the first mile, I was thinking I might die. It didn't help that we were jogging into the 50mph winds, I had a bad cold, and my legs were in shock. But, nonetheless, I FINISHED. Our time was 35:52 minutes(about 11:45 min. miles). Not amazing by any means, but it was my best time out of the 4 5Ks I've participated in. Because it was so cold and windy, Andrea and I actually wore the hoods of our hoodie sweatshirts. At the starting line, she leaned over and asked, in all seriousness, "Do I look like the unibomber?" Let's just say we weren't going to win any fashion awards, but it didn't matter at that point, we were all about survival! Steph did the 10K run and made me a proud friend! Her training paid off and she rocked the 10K with endurance and grace!! I never thought I'd like to "pay to run", but these races are great hang-out time, as well as self-esteem boosters. And, it's actually a healthy activity to do with friends (as opposed to my other favorites--eating good food, watching movies, eating desserts, etc.).

Here's Where to Find the Sermons...

Apparently I don't know how to insert a link after 4 years...so I'll just post the website so you can cut and paste:) The ones that have spoken to me most are "Divine Deliberate Delay" and "Thinking that Releases Miracles". Hope they speak to you as much as they did to me. I would "guesstimate" they are around 30 minutes long, or so.

http://riveroflifepocatello.com/Sundaymessages.aspx

Can Someone Please Make the Decision For Me??

I've been crazy-busy this past week, but haven't forgotten about my faithful followers:) Thanks for reading my rantings and ravings!! I was talking to some co-workers yesterday about the recent doctors visits and tests, and *M* said, "So what are you going to do?" Totally legit question that has me throwing my hands up in the air.

If we are going to pursue IUI (4-6 cycles, $2,500-$3,500 that we don't have), I need to get a prescription for clomid in the next 7-10 days, and also let the doctor's office know. I feel like if/when we do IUI, I want to do consecutive months, rather than sporadic, with hopes that my right fallopian tube will spit out an egg sometime in those given months. Conrad's entering his busiest time of year for farming, so I'm wondering if waiting until after harvest would be best. *M* is like, "I just can't stand the anticipation!" I know, I know, folks, but I'm trying not to let my emotions lead, too much, in my decisions.

Another reason I'm hesitant is that I'm not ruling out that God has a miracle up His sleeve. Part of me is like--well, the money isn't there, so we need to be smart and just wait it out--PRAY it out. Maybe lack of finances is God's way of closing the door to infertility assistance at this exact moment (not to say it's not in our future). Ultimately I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God has an AMAZING plan for our future family and I am trying to press into Him more. Pastor Rod has been hitting on some key points the past few weeks. I will attempt to post a link to the last two sermons, they were excellent.

Wasted trip to Poky...

Today was my follow-up appointment after my HSG. It was a waste of my time! I'm not too impressed with the current doc, but he's one of two that can do IUI in this area, plus now I sort of have a history with him (if you can call it that). He basically told me what could've been said over the phone...last week! I've been waiting in anticipation of some *new* news or something crazy wrong for over a week, and then he spends 5 minutes with me and same ol', same ol'. Here's the run-down, and feel free to act like it's new information, because it's pretty much a repeat:

Long story short, our situation presents male factor as well as female factor infertility...I am at liberty to freely talk about my own issues. I have a tubal occlusion in my left fallopian tube (knew this already). Therefore, even if I am ovulating, if it's my left ovary that's trying to push out an egg, the poor little egg isn't going to make it anywhere. He recommended IUI with Clomid for 4-6 cycles, and if no BFP ("big fat positive"), we will look to IVF. Again, there's no way we can pick which ovary does ovulate, so even with the Clomid, I will need to pray that my right ovary will step up to the plate. Oh yeah, and he did try and tell me that IUI was a couple hundred a month. I told him what I found out and he looked shocked and said I should re-check at the front when I checked out. I was right. $254 per time, 2x per cycle, plus $80 blood test, plus $9 for generic Clomid. Okay, Dr.C., in my book, that looks like almost $600/month. Pocket change, right?

I was very frustrated when I left, not only because it was a waste of my time, but because of our situation. How come 15-year-olds get pregnant their first time having sex, and don't even want a baby, and it takes a mature, Christian couple years and lots of money?? I guess it all comes back to trusting our faithful God, and knowing that ultimately He DOES have a good plan for our lives. I'm trying to pound this in my head because it's easy for my mind to wander. Our pastor gave an excellent sermon on Sunday entitled "Divine Deliberate Delay" and it was just what I needed as a reminder. I will go into this more later, it was quite convicting.

Bubblicious+Rodeo=Happy Birthday:)

My co-workers bought me a lovely chocolate cake...yes, the "Happy Birthday" plaque is edible white chocolate...they spoil me (this came after Sticky Finger Salad).
Let the bubble-blowing begin!!! You go, girls!!!


My beautiful sister and me at the rodeo. And a group shot below.


Red Robin anyone? All-you-can-eat fries and ranch. Nevermind the cheesy grin on my face while I have balloons wrapped around my ears. I just *love* being the center of attention.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Time for a happy blog entry:).

I was born on a beautiful Sunday afternoon just over 27 years ago. I was easy on my mom...she was a champ! I love that on my birthday every year, my parents tell me my "birth day story." It goes something like this: My mom was gearing up to give birth to her first child on April 23, 1983. The little baby inside her insisted on coming early, however. On April 9th, my mom started having contractions at home. As the day progressed, the contractions did not let up but got stronger and stronger. She wanted to stay at home as long as possible. She had a friend come sit with her because my dad didn't get off work until 11:00 p.m. and she wanted to wait to go to the hospital with him (even though he would have just been returning from working there...pharmacist+nurse=love story). At the time, my parents were not quite sure if they were going to be welcoming a son or a daughter into their lives. Way back when, the ultrasounds weren't as clear and the doctor "thought" the baby was a boy. When my parents went to the hospital that night after my dad got home, they waited excitedly as things progressed. My mom said she walked a lot up and down the hallways with my dad because it was better than laying in bed. I didn't decide to make an appearance until the next day at 3:45 p.m. My dad recalls it being an emotional experience. As he was watching me come into the world, he says he was so choked up that all he could say was, "I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but it has lots of dark hair!" The labor went smoothly and my parents gladly welcomed a 6lb. 12oz. *girl* to the world. They chose the name Adriane because they both liked it, and my middle name, Elizabeth, after my paternal great-grandmother Lizzie. They, of course, can recall lots more details. I love that they remember so much and tell me the story every year. They love me:)

I had a fun birthday this year. I went to the big rodeo matinee with my mom, sister, and 4 friends. This was my second time at this particular rodeo and I had lots of fun. We had great seats close to the chute, and only three rows up. My favorite parts were the hot dog and nachos, watching Andrea's and Pooh's heads turn with the good-looking cowboys that strutted by, and fun time with some of my favorite people. After the rodeo, we split up for a few hours and Pooh and I went to a few stores, including Goodwill. I love that store!! I found two shirts for $2 each! We went back to my parents' house to wait for our guests to arrive. Same rodeo crowd, minus one, plus a new one (I guess two new ones if you count my dad). My mom made posole (YUMMY mexican soup-like dish), so we started out with dinner. After that, we played Imaginiff... Have you ever played that game?? It's so much fun! We laughed a lot, and that led to us having a bubble blowing contest with the bubble gum that Pooh and I had picked up earlier (because what 27-year old's birthday party doesn't have bubble gum?!). We entertained ourselves with blowing bubbles for the next half hour or so. Then it was time for ice cream cake (it's just like Asphalt Pie, for those of you that have had it at Winger's). SO GOOD!! After that, Apples to Apples came out and we proceeded to laugh more and more. I was blessed with thoughtful gifts and cards, and the company of people I love. The next day, after church, my family and Conrad and I went to Red Robin for lunch and hit a few stores at the mall and Target. Did I mention that because I used my free birthday burger at RR, they came and sang to me? Luckily it wasn't terribly full as they belted out "I don't know but I've been told...someone here is getting old..." I kept my cool though, and was happy for the free sundae. Sunday was a fun continuation of my birthday, and nice to spend ALL day with Conrad, since he's been putting in long farming hours every day but Sunday. Overall, I had a most enjoyable birthday weekend. I have some pictures, but it seems they don't want to upload at the moment.....later.

Hysterosalpingogram...

Say this 10 times fast!!! This was what I did today...don't be jealous. First of all, it was not comfortable. And not just the part where your legs are spread up in the air...but where the radiologist blows up a little ballon inside your uterus through the catheter he's stuck up through your cervix and pumps you full of contrast (dye). Thankfully I had done some reading online about the procedure, so I was highly dosed on ibuprofen beforehand. When the radiologist was injecting the dye---yowsers! It felt like the worst cramps imagineable. Unluckily, I get bad cramps every month so it wasn't anything too new, except for the fact I was laying flat on a table with three strangers staring at me. I got to see the screen while he was doing his part, and it was cool to see my inards.:)

The radiologist talked to me for a minute after the HSG and explained the x-ray pictures, but I have to talk to the ob/gyn tomorrow or Wednesday for his take on what's next. So, below is a diagram of the final picture that I saw. The good news...I have a uterus and one open fallopian tube. The dreaded news...I have one fallopian tube that is not open and would not take in any dye, despite the radiologist's trying to insist (ouch!). After I got off the table and walked to the changing/bathroom as modestly as I could, it was all I could do not to burst out in tears. Who know what's next (well, God does...)?? For now I will console myself with birthday candy and pepperoni de-light pizza from Papa Murphey's. Oh yeah, and I might've redeemed my free Coldstone birthday coupon for a cake batter ice cream/brownie cup of delight.

A picture is worth 1,000 words:
Figure 1 is what I was hoping for. Figure 2 is what I got.

Where was the Lawnmower???

You may think I'm going to dive into a nicely written blog entry about yardwork. Nope. I just got done shaving my legs for the first time in 2 months. I really could've used a lawnmower to get off that first thick layer. Maybe next time I'll remember before I dull a million razors getting rid of the 18 pounds of hair that have been keeping my legs warm. It actually would've been worse, but I had a false alarm in February that I may be hanging out in my friend's parents' hottub, so I decided that even my closest girlfriends needn't be subjected to the "jungle". I'm not totally against shaving. I'm all about upkeep when it doesn't involve my legs. Maybe that's cuz no one sees them and my husband doesn't care?? Who knows. All I can say is "where was that dang lawnmower!?!?!?!?!"

Blah...

Do you ever just feel "blah"? WARNING: Don't read this if you don't wanna know "blah".

I guess I can say this has been the story of my life for a while. Don't get me wrong--I do have fun events, laughing fits, and enjoyable time with family and friends. However, one thing I've realized about myself three years ago (when deciding we would start TTC in February 2008) and today is that all (okay, most) motivation is gone. Three years ago, I was dedicated to working out and eating right...all in the name of gearing up for a healthy pregnancy. I was in the best shape of my life and I felt awesome from the inside out. Exercise was enjoyable, relaxing, and my body craved it. I easily made healthy choices, while still enjoying treats here and there, never feeling deprived. I was strong, healthy, and fit.

Now jump ahead to present-day. After months--and now years--of no success in the TTC department, I am unmotivated, out of shape, and make unhealthy choices when I eat. I know what I need to do to get in shape. I know what I need to eat/avoid to be healthy. I hate that I let myself react in such an unhealthy way to unhappy news. I put in a Pilates video tonight, thinking I could at least do a 20-minute segment. I did a few minutes of one segment, jumped to another, only to turn off the DVD altogether in another few minutes. Defeated. Tearful. Wondering why? I don't like feeling this way. It didn't help that my phone was on the fritz today when I was trying to be in contact with the financial counselor at PMC. I am really praying God's favor over getting some $$$ knocked off my procedure on Monday. Okay, this is like a diary entry, and since I don't keep a "diary" I just put it all out there on the world wide web. Here you go, folks!

Sorry, Michel, I tried to keep it upbeat for a few posts, but had to vent!! Thanks, God, that you're here even when I feel defeated.

His Faithful Love Endures Forever...

Psalm 136 (NLT)
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.

4 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
5 Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
6 Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
8 the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
9 and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.

10 Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
11 He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
12 He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
13 Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
14 He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
15 but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.

17 Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
18 He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
21 God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
22 a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.

23 He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
24 He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His faithful love endures forever.

I got a special card from an amazing friend last week. It made my day:) She wrote in it that while praying for me, God gave her Psalm 136. Today I was reading it during quiet time and I LOVE IT! And I love the way the New Living Translation says, "His faithful love endures forever." What more do we need if we have His faithful love enduring forever??

I Love My Job...

Today I had my annual review for my job...I can't believe it's been a year!! I remember the day my now-boss called to offer me the job only hours after my interview. When I started a few days later, it was definitely bittersweet. I had, after all, quit my social work job a few months earlier with hopes of being a stay at home wife, then a pregnant stay at home wife, and then a stay at home mommy. Because of financial strain following the sudden drop in the wheat market, causing us to make tens of thousands of dollars less than budgeted for that year, I got a part-time job to keep us from having to borrow money to live on (thanks, Dave Ramsey, for saving us from future debt...). It was NOT what I wanted to do. However, it has turned out to be a HUGE blessing in disguise. I have awesome co-workers (which I like to think of more as friends), I feel more connected to my small community, and, of course, less financial strain is always a great feeling. I had lunch at my favorite place and had an awesome waitress (shoutout to Sarah!). I prayed before I went that God would guide our conversation. I never have awkward moments with my manager, D, but it was the VP I was worried about:) It turned out being a very enjoyable lunch. My manager loves me--what's not to love?? We had plenty to talk about without any awkwardness in the hour and a half we were there. Overall, it was very positive and it was nice to get to know the VP better.

Speaking of jobs, I talked to one of my old co-workers today. I was thinking earlier how I miss the people I worked with in my old job, but I don't miss the actual job. I was sad to hear that someone I care about died on Easter night. It's crazy how emotionally connected you get to people, especially in that line of work when people are vulnerable with you. I am glad that I know about the death (I always check the obituaries for people I know so I don't find out months later) and I'm also glad that I am removed from having to grieve while comforting the other clients. I had to do this when Grandpa Manske died and it was NOT fun. It was great to talk with G, and nice to hear that she misses me (I miss her too!!) and another former co-worker told her just last week, "I miss Adriane." Isn't that sweet? I am thankful that I left in good standing from my other job. God, thank you for the doors you've opened and thank you for knowing what's best for me. I pray you'd bring comfort and strength where needed. YOU are peace.

Much-needed Encouragement

Do you ever have an uplifting conversation when you least expect it? After it's over you realize that it was such a deep need that couldn't be pin-pointed, but now that it's been fulfilled you wonder how you've made it without that conversation? I just talked to one of my college roomies for over an hour. She is one of the most positive people I know and I was totally open to share everything with her, and she brought it up. I'm thankful for conversations that don't tiptoe around the "elephant in the room", so to speak. I know there are certain things that are hard to bring up--grief, disappointment, infertility, etc.--but when they are brought to light I believe it gives freedom to the person who's dealing with a certain issue. She has some friends that are traveling the infertility road as well, and my friend and her husband have been close beside them. She has lots of medical insight (she's an NP), as well as God-insight. Since she's from a bigger city, she is around more fertility specialists in general (our "big" city a half-hour away has 0), and I appreciated her input. I am scheduling my appointment tomorrow for my ultrasound--our tax returns should be here by the time the bill comes around...

I Still Believe...

Today, I heard Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" on the radio for the second morning in a row. Kind of weird, because it's an older one of his, and probably is like number 6 of the Jeremy Camps songs they play. I LOVE that song--definitely one of my favorites. God knew I needed this reminder because He knew what yesterday and today would bring--surrounded by babies, surrounded by baby items (went shopping with mom yesterday), and surrounded by facebook posts (found out 3 people are expecting within 1 post!). I will post the link to the song whenever my computer decides to let me to. I'll post the lyrics for now:

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe



Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.

I still believe...

Perspective...

On Saturday night, my co-worker's brother-in-law was killed in a car accident. He was 2 months older than me. All I could think about after I found out was that I can't even imagine being in the various roles of this scenario---1)leaving my family behind at such a young age, 2)losing my husband at such a young age (or ever!!), 3)telling my kids their daddy is gone, or 4)losing my daddy as a young child. It's crazy how quickly life can be gone. Because of some circumstances, the marriage wasn't great, but the 4 kids left behind have lost their daddy nonetheless and my heart breaks. Please pray for this family when you have a chance. Strength for mom, peace for kids, and grace as they walk this journey and try to get back to "normal".

Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23

God, help me to stand firm in my faith. You DO have good things in store for conrad and me, better than we could ever imagine. Lord, help me in my unbelief. You know what's best for us, You know what we need, and You know the deepest desires of our hearts. Help me to trust You.

Unhappy Anniversary...

first of all, i know i've been a bad blogger...mostly because i haven't felt like i have anything new to say and i feel like i tend to blog when i'm feeling down, therefore i decide i don't need to drag everyone down with me.

after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.

so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.

I Suppose I Should Write Something...

it's been a while, so i should probably jot a little something down on the ol' blog-a-roo. can't believe how time flies, but such is life, i suppose. already a few days in to the new year, and though it doesn't feel different...yet...i and trying to look ahead and FOCUS on the year ahead. i continue to be extremely blessed by family and friends. i don't know what i'd do without them in my life. i probably wouldn't make it too long! i know that God has great things in store for this year and pray that i will earnestly seek HIM. sometimes i get off track, especially when i'm trying to "protect" myself. i have to constantly remind myself that it's not about me!! God, help me to focus on YOU this year and press in to what you're doing in my life and in the lives of those around me.

Quit Playing Games With My Heart...

yes, this is a part of a backstreet boys song that i'm not scared to admit i know all the words to. ahhh...boy bands... it's also what's been reeling through my head for the past week. this whole infertility thing is a rollercoaster. there are days i know the rollercoaster will end, and other days that i feel like i'll be doing loop-di-doos forever. last wednesday night i was planning on taking my 2nd pregnancy test of the week. --let me insert here that i DESPISE taking pregnancy tests because it seems to dash my hopes quite harshly. since we started TTC almost 2 years ago, i've only taken 2 because my cycle's been pretty regular and i only start a day or two late...not enough to make me want to waste a test.-- the only reason i took #1 was because i was 5 days late. conrad went over to read it and hesitated to tell me the result, "it says you're not. i didn't want to have to tell you because i know how bad we want it." the reason i was even considering test #2 is because i was 12 days late. 12 days!!! surely the 1st test was a false negative!!! i was running late thursday morning, so i determined i'd take it on friday. however, i didn't need to since aunt flow came to visit thursday at work. how lovely. and how devastating. i usually try to keep my baby daydreaming to a minimum, but after day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, it was hard not to get excited about being pregnant and being a mom. at least i didn't waste a test on it. however, i'm once again in the same boat wondering "why?", "how?", "when?" i know God has a plan. I KNOW THIS!! but i am also trying to reign in my emotions. i just read the blog of another woman that dealt with infertility. yesterday was the year anniversary of her 4th round of IUI---and the 4th round worked--she now has a little boy. that's encouraging to me, but it's also a lot of money. our options right now: IUI, $500/cycle (dr. suggests a $1800 test before even trying this); $8,000-10,000 surgery for C (that may or may not help); adoption, $thousands$ (okay, this is extreme since we haven't tried anything else, but it's crossed my mind because it's a sure deal). i know God will provide the money if needed. i also know that a MIRACLE may be up His sleeve. i'm not opposed to that!!!!! okay, i just laid it all out there...

The World of Running...

lately i've been subjecting myself to a form of torture known as running. running long distances (to me!) without training to be exact. a 5k is equal to 3.1 miles (thereabouts--i figured you didn't need the 8 decimal points...). because my friend had a new year's resolution to run a 5k, i decided that i would join her because it'd force me to get in shape, right? notsomuch. due to a busy schedule, kids (hers), and lack of motivation (mine), the running the gap 5k snuck up on us. we held our own and finished in just under 41 minutes, jogging most of the time, mind you. it was 41 minutes of positive self-talk, bodily fatigue, and eventually determination to not let one more person pass us! after we got rehydrated and ate some carbs, we felt like CHAMPIONS!! we had done it!! gracefully, no, but we had accomplished it nontheless. this led us to crazy talk, such as, "just think, if we actually trained, we could do a 10k next year," "a 1/2 marathon wouldn't be that bad," etc. etc. mind you, this was before the week of sore groins, tight calves, and shoulder pains.so how, might you ask, did i allow myself to get sucked in to another 5k race?? i'm still wondering. well, not really. at the starting line of the parks and rec "fun" run, i was wondering, but after i finished, i felt like a million bucks again and felt like i could take on the world. my time this race was 36:46:03. i improved by a bit, even with a few hills thrown into the track. it was also fun because this time, sarah and i were joined by others girls we knew, which made the experience a lot of fun. i even won some $10 socks in the drawing (i know you're jealous). now if i could just get more motivated to train, i would be a happy woman (with less tight muscles). i love how i feel when i exercise, and i just need to make the time. who knows?? maybe a 1/2 marathon is in my (fairly distant) future...

camping in wyoming--granite recreation area...
a few weekends ago, i went camping with my parents. it was such a refreshing and fun time and with such beautiful scenery. every day i thought multiple times wow, God, all of this for us?? i am amazed by His handiwork and know that He enjoyed us enjoying it.

we camped only about a 1/2 mile from granite falls. i walked there three times in four days and every time thought that i would just like to stay there for hours. it was amazing...and again, all for us to enjoy! i love my parents and treasured the time we got to spend together (though we all missed pooh and made a unanimous decision that she'd have to join us next year!).
we went to jackson hole one afternoon. we ate at bubba's bbq and it was SO tasty...pulled pork, texas toast, and yummy fries (with ranch, of course). we walked around and looked in a few stores. i decided that a)i am a cheapskate, and b)i am not a "western" type girl. it was nice to walk around though. i also got to call my man for a few minutes while we were in civilization:)

my absolute favorite past-time of the trip was reading. there's something about being in the outdoors, breathing fresh air, hearing the water trickle, and immersing yourself in an excellent book. my book of the trip, the shack. it was absolutely incredible and i think EVERYONE needs to read it. what an amazing picture it was of God's love for us and how He desires to have a relationship with each of us. He could care less what church we go to and what "good works" we do. He just wants US. i personally think i need to read it every 6 months or so, just to remind myself what life is all about. God created us for His pleasure, and He's full of joy when we find peace in him and allow Him to work in our lives. okay, enough about the book, you just need to read it! all in all, it was an amazing, much-needed weekend away. let's do it again sometime!!!

our little farm...

**sugar beets**
contrary to popular belief (one that i had before i started dating a farmer...), sugar comes from more than just sugar cane. sugar beets are another way they process granulated sugar. they use this sugar to sell in stores, as well as to sweeten candy bars, etc. my dad is pretending to eat this ugly little beet (isn't my dad's tour-of-the-farm hat cute?). hopefully the beets will be twice this big by harvest, which should start at the end of september. they are not a beautiful product once harvested, although the green fields are amazing. but because of their purpose in life, i LOVE the little guys!!

**soft white winter & hard red spring wheat**

soft white winter wheat is planted in the fall and grows until frost, goes dormant, and comes back to life in the spring. this is what is used mostly in the US to make processed foods like cereal, malt-o-meal, etc., etc. it can also be used as cow feed. conrad has done excellent with this crop, beating his average yields every year since he started. this year he got close to 135 bushel/acre. one bushel of wheat=60 pounds. prices have been up and down with the economy. we're thankful that we have some contracted with a local feed lot for a good price. we already sold some to general mills and have about 7,000 bushel in a bin waiting for the prices to go back up before we contract any more. the bin below is just the beginning...about 1/5 full at the time the picture was taken.

my parents came out a few sundays ago for the farm tour. conrad gave them a ride in the combine, and i think they both liked it a lot. God blessed us with a great combine. the header (where the wheat goes in) is 25 feet wide. the first year conrad farmed, he used an older combine with only a 15-foot header--talk about slow moving! he said the widest header they make is 40 feet. usually farmers with a lot of ground and/or custom cutters buy these bigger machines.

full house---the cab of the combine with conrad and both my parents above, and the hopper (where the kernels go after they've thrashed through the combine) below.

once the hopper is full, a little alarm beeps in the cab. that's when to go to the truck, put the unloading auger out, and fill up the truck.

once the truck is full, this is what it looks like to get the wheat into the bin. simply back the truck up so the belt is over a bin which is hooked to a large auger that uses a spiral motion to get the grain up into the bin.

hard red spring wheat won't be ready to cut for another 2-3 weeks. because it was planted in the spring, it takes more time to mature. this wheat typically goes for a higher price, but bushel/acre is usually a little lower. conrad's goal for the year is 90 bushel/acre this year. the protein in this wheat is higher, and it typically gets put on a barge to japan to make noodles, etc.

**malt barley**

these are the barley fields in rockland (maybe you recognize this from earlier pics before it was ripe...). barley is measured by 48 pounds/bushel, and is contracted by the hundredweight. God blessed this field with a plentiful harvest and it was extra great because at one point, we thought conrad would have to replant due to some crusting issues (dirt too hard to let sprouts through). thank God we didn't have to buy another $3,500 worth of seed!! i think ripe barley is beautiful with the rich color and long beards...it may be my favorite:)

thankful for the blessing of our home...
tonight we decided we should bring the previous owner's grill to her (we've been meaning to do it all summer, since she called and humbly asked us, saying, "my kids won't go get it"). she and her husband moved into town because they were having trouble getting around and maintaining the home and the acre lawn, garden, flower beds, etc. this was a very bittersweet time for them (99% bitter, 1% sweet). they'd raised their family here, both sons got married in the back yard, and they loved country life. how thankful i am that when she decided to sell (and her kids didn't want it), she came to conrad first. last june (2008), we went over and she showed us the house. each room held a memory. she modestly explained the upgrades/maintenance she and her husband had done throughout the years, and said "this home just really needs a family with kids." despite random people knocking on her door and offers over $100,000 more than what she offered it to us for, she held true to her word and we got the keys in december.

sure, there have been changes we've made, like changing the tangerine walls in the living room to a more modern dark khaki, the peach walls and lacy curtains in the master bedroom to deep garnet and shimmering bronze, and pulling out some evergreen bushes. there's definitely more we'd like to change to update. but, the fact remains, it's a great, solid home with an EXCELLENT location that we plan on being in for a long while.

when we went over tonight, after a few minutes of small-talk outside, she asked, "would you kids like to come in?" we said, "sure." she shared that it was still a hard adjustment living in town and she misses "that place" a lot. i told her i absolutely love all the flowers the planted--the tulips, peonies, roses, oriental poppies, daisies, lilies, etc., that all bloom in their cycle and then make way for the next blooms to show off their beauty. she was thrilled that i admired her flowers so much. she told me to be careful if i dug out by the rosebush in the garden because their one-eyed cat sylvester is buried there..."if you start digging into a yellow towel-stop!" at one point she said, "you kids are so sweet." more than once, she got tears in her eyes as she talked about the old house, or the changes she and her husband were trying to adjust to in town. when we were going to leave, she shook conrad's hand and then reached her arms out to me for a big hug. and i mean BIG hug...it was a genuine, long but not too long, heartfelt grandma hug. she said, "now you guys have lots of kids to fill up that house. that house needs kids." conrad said, "we'll work on it." she walked us outside and after a few more minutes, we said good night for real this time. again, she reached out to me for a hug. it was another *good* hug:) i thanked her for doing such a great job with the home and for giving conrad and i a chance at buying it. as we pulled away from the embrace, she had tears in her eyes and said, "i'm so happy for you two." i told her i'd like to have her and her husband out for dinner sometime after harvest and she said she'd love that.

thank you, God, for everything you've done to provide us with a beautiful home. we're so undeserving! help us to be good stewards and bless this precious woman and her husband who passed the home on to us. help her to see You in us in every interaction.

back to part-time...

today was my first day back to my part-time schedule--mondays and wednesdays off. full-time had its perks; more money to put toward emergency fund/getting prego, getting to know my co-workers better, becoming more competent at my job. throughout working full-time for 8 weeks, i would always think if i was home, i could be doing ______. or ________. or ________. after work, i didn't feel bad about acting like a zombie after 8 hours on my feet and dealing with the public. now i'm back to part-time. it was nice to sleep until 9:30. it was nice to do some yardwork with my kids until i couldn't stand sweating one more second. it was nice to not get ready for the day or have to find an outfit to squeeze into. it was nice to do laundry, put a movie in, and try to organize part of the office. and it has been nice to see conrad a few times during the day.

all that said.......i think i'm coming to a realization that i have to find a balance between overachiever mode and being a lazy butt. sure, there are things that need to be done, and i'm not going to let my house fall apart, but i also need to enjoy my time off. today i made the comment to conrad "i kinda wish i was still working full-time", which was my way of saying i wish i felt more productive today. i have to admit, i loved his response. he adamantly responded, "no! i want you to be able to relax. read, take a nap, play with the kids. now you have a few more days you can spend time with them, and i won't get to for a few more months. that would be awesome." isn't that cute?? :) jack and gracie love, love, LOVE attention and even "talk" to us now (now i'm starting to sound like the crazy cat lady...). i'm glad conrad doesn't have lofty expectations of me. now if i can let go of some of the expectations of myself... how can i resist more time with my kids:)

**jack&gracie**

I Would Die For That

Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken (from the album Into The Light)
I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why
I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand

When every little thing that
I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know
You're not shaken

I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes
And trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken

***okay, i decided to blog something worthwhile....this song says it all for me right now.....now if only i can believe it...

a one sentence blog (who'd of thought i could keep it to that???)...
life's been crappy lately--a whole mix of things--i seriously just don't know, but this is all cuz otherwise it may look like someone just puked all over my blog!

small town shoppin'...
i usually only go shopping at the local supermarket if absolutely necessary or if i see a few good sale items in the ad. last week they had strawberries and raspberries for only $1.50, way less than anywhere in poky. however, there are other items that are outrageously priced and must be for those desparate people who can't/won't drive to the "big" city to hit up winco. anyway...one thing about grocery shopping in my little town is that they always have a bag-boy who is also the one who brings your purchases to your car. at first, it's a little embarassing having a shy teenage boy walk with you to the car, pushing your cart. however, today i was thinking you know, this is kinda cute and it's great service that they can't offer at the bigger stores in bigger cities. so even though i only got 3 gallons of milk and one bag-full of items, i was provided with service with a smile:) made me smile today:)

i don't understand...
yeah, there's a lot i don't understand about life right now, but let me just vent about one of them. conrad works his butt off doing the absolute best job a person can do on all his crops. he gives up sleep, time with me, health, financial security, etc. to do what he loves and provide a service to everyone who likes to eat. his dad does a less than mediocre job, always running late (still hasn't planted his barley, maybe won't...), makes insurance claims that in my mind are fraudulent (90% of the time), takes advantage of people (his favorite being his own son), and yet gets away with it all. the hail that hit yesterday demolished conrad's spring wheat crop. the fall wheat is okay, but was also hit hard. the beets look as if someone shot holes in all the leaves (but they will be resilient b/c of the stage they're in/chemicals conrad's putting on). his dad's stuff is so late that it wasn't at all affected by the hail. once again, saved by mediocrity. what is up with this??? isn't there a verse in the Bible about the wicked being prosperous? i know it only means prosperity in this life, and i'm not calling his dad wicked through and through...but. grrrr. sometimes i question things that happen to conrad and i and wonder when (if ever) things will be normal...having a family, financial stability, him reaping the rewards of the excellence he displays in everything he does. i do know i am tremendously blessed in a lot of ways: an amazing husband, an awesome family, great friends, wonderful kids (jack and gracie lou), a beautiful home (though we've comtemplated more than once whether we can keep it or not), and lots of freedoms. one of these days things will look brighter......i've gotta stay believin'. there's my rant and rave, and believe it or not, i held back:)

something to lift the mood...
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

HAHA!! i needed a laugh tonight:)

my hot farmer man...
in case no one has guessed...and i probably don't say it enough...i am absolutely amazed by and in love with my farmer husband. he's such a hard worker--persistent, demonstrates endurance, and focused. this shows when one looks at his fields. the crops look GREAT this year. they do every year, but there's just something about this year that makes us think that the yields will beat his last 4 years. the rain has been a blessing from God...usually we're paying thousands a month for power to irrigate/crossing our fingers that the dry farm wheat won't burn up/hoping for time together since conrad has to watch and move irrigation systems. this year, he hasn't even turned the irrigation on at the malt barley field, and it looks amazing! God blessed this field, as well, because about 6 weeks ago, conrad and i went to look at it and the dirt was crusted over, inhibiting the seeds from breaking out of the ground. we dug and saw that they had sprouted, but the hard dirt was making them curl back over and stay under. conrad called around and tried an option that was the last resort before reseeding ($3000 just for seed! thank God he didn't have to do it twice!). we were praying this would do the trick and it did! conrad went last week to check on the crop and said he started laughing when he pulled up. i had the same response monday night when we went to see it...here's a few pictures...i think the landscape is just beautiful. he has some barley under a pivot (the round part in the backround) and some under wheel-lines. this is just one of his amazing fields:) thank you, God for your blessing on his farming this year!!

the freshness of it all...
today we went to church at the church conrad grew up in. it's had its share of trials...splits, lack of commitment, etc. attendance has been pretty meager since i can remember going with conrad while we were dating. i've never preferred the worship...old style, slow, everyone sits down. and though the messages are good and the people are sincere, i'll admit i've had a bit of compassion because i know of the trials, but also a bad attitude about me not getting fed when i go there. i've been convicted about it over that last year or two----believe it or not, it's not all about me...who woulda thought?? they got a new pastor about a year ago and he's done an amazing job of bringing what's left of the congregation together, and also in outreaching to the community. a couple followed him to idaho to do youth ministry. the open gym on friday nights has gone from 4 to 40. teens are hungry for positive relationships and for Jesus. there was probably 75 people there today...the most i've ever seen for a sunday morning church service. this is up from the usualy 15-20 a year ago and has been a regular amount for a few months now. there was a special speaker/singer there today who was very in tune with the holy spirit and did a mix of singing songs she and her songwriter have written and talking about different aspects of God/patriotism/etc. people were very touched. i saw some old christians wiping away tears, but most of us sat there and enjoyed the beat of the music (how sad is that...?). what touched me was the response from some of the people who have begun attending this church in the past 6 months or so. grown men weeping, a mother who had come to watch her 14 yr old get baptized got a special word from God, and the overall positive response to the altar call. PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY!! basically what i've been thinking, without going on all day, is that after years of walking with the Lord, i've become complacent. i don't think i'm the only one. we sit in our little church seats and do our weekly "duty" by gracing the church with our presence, paying our tithe (well, studies show 3% of us do) and give ourselves a pat on our back. this is NOT what it's all about. yeah, we have our little "highs" but those are all about us. what if we all started doing things because of JESUS??......reaching out, bringing people, getting involved in our church so we can have programs, speaking positively about our church family, praying faithfully for our leaders, etc, etc. i'm so sick of people (myself included) complaining, but yet not doing anything to change the situation. satan loves complaining, especially about the church/pastor/body, because it makes us weak, individually and corporately. God, bring back the excitement of sharing my faith in you, give me a passion for my little town and for my big town, help me to be a good example, help me to speak positively of my church body and leaders, and help me to draw people to you!!!! because it sure isn't about me.

okay, there's a wee bit of my soap box.....

beware!!...
now that we have a patio, i thought i'd put out a frog solar light that conrad's grandma and uncle gave me for my birthday a few years ago. is it something i would've picked out?? no, but it's pretty cute in its own sort of way and so the other night i took it out and read the instructions (it's supposed to have solar activated lights and such). i found a few of the "important safety instructions" a little over the top:

*dress properly: protective, electrically nonconductive clothes and nonskid footwear are recommended when working with the Smiling Frog Solar Light. wear restrictive hair covering to contain long hair.

*use eye protection: always wear ANSI approved impact safety goggles when setting up this product.

*do not overreach: keep proper footing and balance at all times.

*do not set up the solar light if under the influence of alcohol or drugs: read warning labels on prescriptions to determine if your judgment or reflexes are impaired while taking drugs. if there is any doubt, do not set up the Smiling Frog Solar Light.

*the Smiling Frog Solar Light is not waterproof and must not be set in water such as pools and ponds. (dang, i wanted to bathe with it!)

and last but not least, a disclaimer to release the Smiling Frog Solar Light people of any liability:

*WARNING: the warnings, cautions, and instructions discussed in this instruction manual cannot cover all possible conditions and situations that may occur. it must be understood by the operator that common sense and caution are factors which cannot be built into this product, but must be supplied by the operator.


***couldn't we have said this from the beginning?? too bad many people lack "common" sense, but i guess it gives those of us WITH it a good laugh while reading through the manual for our Smiling Frog Solar Light!!

there is an empty room...
"There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps;
Just a rocking chair, a teddy bear,
The baby clothes they keep.
It is a quiet room
With everything in its place;
But no happy sighs or lullabies,
No child in their embrace.
There is an empty crip
In the corner, tucked away;
The gentle light of the moon shines bright
As they kneel by the crib to pray...
'Remove all bitter thoughts,
Your will is what we seek.
Dry our tears and calm our fears,
Lift us up, for we are weak.'

There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps.
But they know the love of a Father above,
And His promises He keeps."
from When the Cradle is Empty


though i read this poem before when i started to read this book a few months ago, i found it again as i was searching for my own solace, as well as getting the book ready to bring to a friend who miscarried (for the 2nd time). i saw her yesterday for the first time since the loss and as crocodile tears rolled down her face and i embraced her, too choked up for a quick reply, my heart broke. we are both so hopeful for a baby to come into our lives. we both have a room that's waiting--with plans of how to fix it up, we both have some clothes waiting for a little warm body to fill them, and we both are experiencing heartache that's difficult to understand except for by those who have walked the same lonely road. as conrad and i were talking about our plans for our house by priority, he interuppted me as i skipped over a room and said, "isn't the baby's room next?" i know he thinks about it more than he lets on. we will continue to pray for a miracle, whether it be physical (healing in conrad and i) or financial (in-vitro, art.insem, adoption). i also pray for peace, patience, and comfort for every person who is experiencing this type of quiet grief.

perspective...
although i've gone through hard times, and sure i will go through more in the future, God is showing me that i need to not be so self-focused. i learned last weekend that my personality type, "melancholy," can include, to name a few negative sides, negative thinking and self-focus. God help me! last night i heard about a close friend miscarrying. my heart broke. we had already gone shopping for baby clothes and talked oodles about names, nursery ideas, and how excited she and especially her husband were. what a letdown. even though i'm walking the road of infertility, i thank God that i haven't had to walk the miscarriage road. i can't imagine such a loss. then at work today my co-worker got a phone call that her apartment complex was on fire. she left in a hurry to check on her dog who was in the apt. thankfully her husband and 3 girls were gone. she didn't return for hours and when we finally heard back from her, she was in tears as she told my other co-worker over the phone that it was her apartment that was on fire. it started in the kitchen and i'm not sure at this point how far it spread. God, thank you for protecting me from these things and thank you for reminding me to focus outward...

where do your eggs come from???
today i experienced something new. although every day is filled with new knowledge about farm-related things, and weeks usually contain at least one new experience, i have not yet had the pleasure of gathering eggs. although i have been indulging in farm-fresh eggs since conrad's grandma's chickens started laying this fall, i have never hand-picked them myself. today, since the rest of the family was gone, conrad asked if i would go with him to let the geese out and gather eggs. why not?? i felt brave as i stepped into the chicken coop. i didn't let the rooster's loud announcement of a stranger scare me off...no, i was on a mission. i quickly went over where the hens sit and grabbed an egg out of two separate compartments that did not have a mother hen sitting on them. i felt good about things. conrad gracefully reached under a sitting hen and pulled out 2 EGGS! a treasure!! a chicken who was randomly sitting on the "bunk beds" (that's what they're like...different compartments) flew by me screeching. conrad handed me the hot eggs and i added them to my recycled egg carton. then it was my turn to reach under a hen. it took me about 5 minutes to do it, and conrad wouldn't let me out of it, despite my pleading. i finally got up the courage, pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand in case she pecked, and wiggled my fingers to get her to shift her body up so i could grab the prize. this was awkward for all involved. after all this...no egg!! all this suspense and i got the chicken who hadn't yet laid her egg for the day...how rude! oh well, i got some farm-fresh eggs from the others today and have to say that it's fun to see the different eggs--some white, some not; some smooth-shelled, some wrinkly; some oval, some round. never the same egg twice! now i wanna know how the store has them all uniform...genetic engineering?? who knows?? i do wash my eggs before i use them...just because i know the whole process...but that's the least of it. all i know is...i like my eggs and i like that they're free, organic, and tasty!!

this book was EXCELLENT and is highly recommended to anyone in a situation similar to mine. when the cradle is empty:answering tough questions about infertility was written by john and sylvia van regenmorter, a christian couple who dealt with infertility, and gives great perspective from the female and male view. this afternoon i was thinking i'm done with the baby thing...whatever. it's so draining in every sense of the word. you feel emotions you never thought possible. physically you're drained. mentally overwhelmed. spiritually shaken. i could go on and on, but i won't.:) anyway...this book brought some normalcy to my current struggle and i very much appreciated it. although i feel very much alone right now in dealing with this, it was nice to read about others who've gone through the same thing and be assured that i'm not totally crazy (this may still be up for debate...). i'm glad i decided to finish it tonight, as it's very timely and i need God's strength to keep moving forward.

they're everywhere!!!....
everywhere i look, there are pregnant people. i work with one. they're at church. they're my close friends. they're strangers at target. i went to a continuing ed thing yesterday in IF and saw a girl and her hubby that have been at this same training for the 3 years i have. she was pregnant during the first one, had her baby with her for the second one, and was pregnant yesterday. seriously. i pray that one of these days i can BE one of these women. i also talked to a girl i graduated with yesterday and she told me they had adopted a baby because they couldn't get pregnant. they did it 3 years ago and want to have more kids, but just barely paid off the $28,000 bill from the first little guy. i pray that she and her husband will get pregnant (a miracle) or that they'd be blessed in finances!!! God, sometimes i just don't understand you...

but, i WILL trust you...

there's no other way i can deal...