first of all, i know i've been a bad blogger...mostly because i haven't felt like i have anything new to say and i feel like i tend to blog when i'm feeling down, therefore i decide i don't need to drag everyone down with me.
after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.
so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.
6 comments:
Adriane. I am so sorry for the struggles and burdens you must carry right now. I am also so sorry for bringing these burdens to the very surface for you when we were last together... and in any communications we have had online. The last thing I want to be is insensitive during YOUR time of need.
I love you lots. And am praying for you, fervently.
Melissa.
Thanks for being so open and honest...I think we all feel the same way you do sometimes. Ready to give up, but knowing we must press on because the Lord doesn't want us to give up! Praying for you.
I admire you, your frankness, and your strength. You may feel tortured on the inside, but know that you have done a good job in not communicating bitterness, and know that you are an example to me in your continual reminder to lean on God and to turn to Him as we will hit our year mark of TTC in June. Know that I pray for you often, and I'm praying for a miracle, because our God can do it!
thanks, girls, for the prayers and support. first of all, melissa, i've never felt that you've been insensitive. with God's grace, i've been able to be happy for my friends who are having babies...what a blessing:)
em, thanks for saying that i address my feelings without communicating bitterness, because i don't want to be bitter or convey bitterness, i'm sure that's not the point of this journey. i pray that you will be able to add another baby (+two more after that...)to your happy little family soon! we will get through this!!!
I hope you don't mind that I check your blog-Steph told me about you and your struggles and I just wanted to let you know how much my heart goes out you! you are so brave to write all of your feelings down, I'm to chicken, but I love that you do, because I feel like I have someone I can relate too! Just know it will happen; I hated when people told me that, but your baby will come someway somehow.
"God will prepare a way; when there is no way He will open a way!"
thanks for stopping by, amy:) steph has told me off and on about your adoption of your son. and it looks like you're ready for #2?! yay! I have found a lot of strength from reading others' blogs about their infertility struggles...the ones i read the most are under the blogs i follow...you should check them out. it's nice to know we're not alone...not that you would wish this on anyone. and i agree with you--God does have a plan, it's not always how we think it will happen though:)
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