Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Quit Playing Games With My Heart...
yes, this is a part of a backstreet boys song that i'm not scared to admit i know all the words to. ahhh...boy bands... it's also what's been reeling through my head for the past week. this whole infertility thing is a rollercoaster. there are days i know the rollercoaster will end, and other days that i feel like i'll be doing loop-di-doos forever. last wednesday night i was planning on taking my 2nd pregnancy test of the week. --let me insert here that i DESPISE taking pregnancy tests because it seems to dash my hopes quite harshly. since we started TTC almost 2 years ago, i've only taken 2 because my cycle's been pretty regular and i only start a day or two late...not enough to make me want to waste a test.-- the only reason i took #1 was because i was 5 days late. conrad went over to read it and hesitated to tell me the result, "it says you're not. i didn't want to have to tell you because i know how bad we want it." the reason i was even considering test #2 is because i was 12 days late. 12 days!!! surely the 1st test was a false negative!!! i was running late thursday morning, so i determined i'd take it on friday. however, i didn't need to since aunt flow came to visit thursday at work. how lovely. and how devastating. i usually try to keep my baby daydreaming to a minimum, but after day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, it was hard not to get excited about being pregnant and being a mom. at least i didn't waste a test on it. however, i'm once again in the same boat wondering "why?", "how?", "when?" i know God has a plan. I KNOW THIS!! but i am also trying to reign in my emotions. i just read the blog of another woman that dealt with infertility. yesterday was the year anniversary of her 4th round of IUI---and the 4th round worked--she now has a little boy. that's encouraging to me, but it's also a lot of money. our options right now: IUI, $500/cycle (dr. suggests a $1800 test before even trying this); $8,000-10,000 surgery for C (that may or may not help); adoption, $thousands$ (okay, this is extreme since we haven't tried anything else, but it's crossed my mind because it's a sure deal). i know God will provide the money if needed. i also know that a MIRACLE may be up His sleeve. i'm not opposed to that!!!!! okay, i just laid it all out there...
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4 comments:
still praying for you
sorry friend. i'm praying hard for that miracle--God can and will!
my sweet sweet friend. i love you. and wish i could make this better for you. i am so sorry.
i wanted to share with you two things:
one:
my mom's infertility. she had to take a bunch of fertility drugs. which is why she had twins. she had jennifer and jeanette at 6-months-old in 1978. she was devastated (they passed away the same day they were born). then she had me on june 16th, 1979. i was a bittersweet gift. i cracked her tailbone in delivery.
it took her eight years to conceive my sister Megan. the years between us were not intentional. now this is not meant to be a horror story. but to know that the years often feel like God is standing in the doorway with a big scowl on His face as he loomingly says, "NO". but the years actually get closer to a delivery date we cannot see, saying... YES!
last Tuesday we went to an old college Christian gathering. We all went to UI together as kids and are all grown up now. Married, kids, etc. As we talked with one of the couples... they told us how it was not their intention to only have one child. How it was so hard to even conceive child number one. That they had had a plan. A schedule for when child number one, two, etc. would come about. And then they shared how they finally just relented and came to enjoy whatever they had that God had given them. I was so impressed, and they confessed that it had not been an easy road to get to that place with God.
That was last Tuesday. On Wednesday, I received a message from them stating that after four years since child number one... they are pregnant again!!!
I share that story, because it made me immediately think of you.
I also know of two families, one who has just been assigned to a baby that will be born later in the year (for adoption. they are fundraising and are at about 50% costs raised). And the other family, adopted their baby this year. Their daughter was born one day before Aiden.
Whether God blesses you through fertility treatments, finances, and/or the finances to adopt a child... I am confident that you WILL be a Mommy! And so I pray not that God will give you a child, but that God will help you treasure every single moment for when he DOES give you a child.
I love you,
Melissa.
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