The Inevitable

So, she came today. Uninvited, unwelcomed, but expected. 6 days late! How rude! I've had cramps since last Wednesday, so my hopes were fairly low anyway, even though I had a few people say they felt period crampy when actually they were pregnant.

In order to *celebrate* AF's arrival, I'm going to the big city (Poky) today. I was going to go anyway, since we were snowed in Sunday and I need to do A LOT of errands, but now I have an excuse for being a bit more frivalous?? As frivalous as a woman saving up for infertility treatments can allow herself to be...

I'm going to have lunch with my sister and go shopping:) It WILL be a good day. I'm going to make it that way.

Are you Curious??

Me too. But not as much as you are, since I've been having cramps for four days and feel AF just around the corner. Hopes have deflated even though it's cd 31, because I know what is going to happen. Same things that's happened every month for 33 months before this. :(

On a positive note, it's time to put up Christmas decor, which i LOVE!!! Conrad made me wait until after Thanksgiving so we could "celebrate one holiday at a time". I understand that, but I'm always to eager! The only catch is that I only allow myself to bring up the totes of lovely decor after I dust. Ewww. I hate dusting. But, with such a great reward at the end, I'm going to get to it right now so I can decorate my heart out!

Thanksgiving

Sometimes it easy for me to focus on the things I feel I'm lacking in life, rather than to live a life focused on THANKSGIVING. God is so amazing and has brought so many blessings into my life. Here is just a short list...I'm trying to keep it from becoming a novel...

1)God's son, Jesus, and the plan of salvation. Saving me from an eternal life in hell, and also giving me a full/abundant life, even into eternity. God's continuous work in my life through the Holy Spirit and often in saving me from myself and destruction.

2)Conrad is the best husband I could ever ask for. I remember telling someone after we'd gotten engaged that God gave me even more than I ever wanted/knew I wanted in a future husband. He is truly the love of my life, and brings so much joy and peace and contentment into my life. He also is a great provider for us financially, and works harder than anyone I know to get us closer to a life of financial freedom.

3)My family is a huge strength in my life. Their support, unconditional love, and faith in God has helped me so much throughout my lifetime, and I value the relationships I have with them. My parents have been faithful to each other for 29 years, and have done well with the parenting thing (just look how great I turned out...and my sister too, of course). Speaking of my sister...she is my best friend. She knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, and loves me anyway. Plus, she laughs at my jokes.

4)I don't know that anyone has as good of friends as I do. I may be biased. And I hope you all have AMAZING people in your life like me, but I just feel super blessed in this area of my life. I would do anything for my friends, and I know they'd do anything for me. You are all fabulous!!!

5)I have a beautiful home (okay, so we're slowly updating it from the 80s wallpaper, etc., but the potential is there...), that's nice and cozy. I love to entertain and the only thing that's a minor inconvenience is that we kinda live in the boonies:)

6)I have every provision that I need, and then some (A LOT). God has been so gracious to provide for us. We have plenty of food, hot running water, clothes, vehicles, our kitties Jack and Gracie:), etc., etc. It's amazing how much I take for granted.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all, and may we all find lots to be thankful for every day!!!


P.S. On a somber note...I would like to ask that you would say a quick prayer for a guy I know from working at the credit union. I just found out a few minutes ago that his wife died sometime last night/early morning from hypothermia after her car ran off the road. He just buried his mom very unexpectedly 2 months ago. He is one of the nicest guys, and has two kids to care for as well as himself in this time of grieving. He's a close friend of a few of my co-workers, and my heart is breaking for everyone involved. Part of living in a small town is knowing everyone and their business, and to be honest, I like that because I know how to pray. Thanks:)

What If...?

Something I've been pondering recently is the whole question of "What if ____________________________?"

This blank could be filled by a plethora of words, sentences, maybe even a novel:)

But the main reason I've been thinking about "what if...?" is because I'm coming to the end of my 2ww and will be getting some answers sometime later this week. Will I be a mom in 9 months? Will Conrad be a daddy in 9 months? Will we have a boy or a girl? How will we tell people we are [finally] pregnant (who don't follow this blog...i.e. the in-laws, etc.)? Will it be a healthy pregnancy? ???Will I be pregnant at all???

I've also realized that the element of surprise is gone for you close friends of mine, as well as for my family, since our baby-making experience has been made public. It didn't start out that way, I don't think it usually does. How I used to picture it was a little like this: excitedly planning when to start a family with my hubby, "trying" to get pregnant for a couple of romantic months, and then a *BFP*; followed by preparation, showers, beautiful baby, and happily ever after. However, this is how it's been (the short version): try for one month, two months, three months...29 months to no avail, verge on insanity, and then 2 romantic dates with my husband AND a nurse AND a doctor, while getting inseminated in a freezing cold hospital room followed by days of cramping and praying I won't have to do this process again. Truth is, I need your support and can't imagine traveling this infertility road alone. I'm so grateful that God has given me grace to take this journey, including giving me the support I've needed and continue to need. Crazy the way we *think* life is going to happen, huh? I'm so glad we can trust God to be stable when we feel anything but.

So anyway, what I started out wanting to say was...I really don't want to tell EVERYONE if [when] I do get a BFP this week. Meaning that if you read my blog, you would be giving me a gift by keeping it [BFP] on the down low until things move along a bit farther. I do appreciate all of the support and prayers I've received from you ladies, and will be happy to share my news with you:) I just don't think 2 weeks along is a great time to tell everyone in my world, if you catch my drift.

And the countdown continues...and continues...and continues...almost over...

Just Say "NO" to OHSS

Today's appointment was fairly uneventful, which is fine since any "event" would have meant ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. If I would have had OHSS, it would mean that I could not do clomid next month, and we'd most likely have to deal with cysts (could be easy or not). I'd rather not, thank you.

The doctor was more sociable today than he's been EVER, which was fine with me. I'm pretty personable, and when someone isn't, I'm a bit annoyed:) He did want to talk about the "worst case scenario" which would be that the IUI didn't work this month. This was not an inquiry into what my mental state might be (haha), but for making a plan for next month. I told him money wouldn't allow IUI in December, so we most likely wouldn't plan on it. He did offer a higher dosage of clomid (which is fairly cheap) and trying the old fashioned way in December. That's the "worst case scenario plan". Still waiting to see.....

Stomach Flu...BOO!!!

I have a lot I'm wanting to say...stuff I've thought about all weekend, but just don't have the physical strength to write. I think I've caught the stomach flu from Conrad, so it's been quite the 5 days. The stomach flu on top of my body's reaction to the IUIs is not ideal:(

One thing I will say, is that I couldn't do any of this journey without the support of my amazing friends. Thank you for your prayers of peace during my 2ww and also for your prayers for my physical body...like for the actual conception of our baby. I really have had peace (mental, not so much physical...) this past week, and am so thankful for friends that hold us up in prayer.

2 Days Post-IUI

My second IUI of this cycle was 2 days ago, and I'm still in pain! Just wondering from you out there who have done IUI if this is normal?? I *googled* it, and found differing responses...I guess everyone's body is different. I feel lazy but the thought of lifting, or mowing up leaves, etc., makes me cringe. Mainly it's a crampy, gassy belly, and my ovaries are tender. I haven't had any of the crazy, "life-threatening" symptoms I read about, so that's good. I have a follow-up from the clomid on Tuesday, so I'm praying the pain is not a matter of cysts, but simply the invasive nature of the whole thing.

Laughing even hurts:( This is not good, especially since Conrad has been his witty self these last few days as he's been getting more rested as farm work is easing up. I love spending time with my man!!

Two-week Wait...

Just woke up from a cozy nap on the comfy couch that's near the wood-stove...PERFECT! Between the ibuprofen and that nap, I feel A LOT better than I did yesterday after the IUI. The doc said that the 2nd day is usually better, and it has been. I attribute some of that to the ibuprofen pre-IUI, but also because my body wasn't newly invaded, like it had been yesterday. I've been crampy, and don't want to exert myself, but overall it's manageable. Yesterday, all I wanted afterward was a peanut butter cup shake. Today I actually wanted real food (does a cheeseburger and fries from Mickey D's count as "real" food?? Conrad was DYING for a mocha frappe, so we *had* to go there) and I didn't quiver the whole way home. My next appointment is Tuesday (cd20), to ensure that my ovaries aren't hyperstimulated from the clomid.

I can't thank you all enough for your support and friendship...it means THE WORLD to me. God has put such amazing people in my life...that's one thing I've never doubted. I'm happy to have friends from every walk of life on life's journey with me.

For now, we embark on the 2ww (two week wait), for which I'm hoping and praying will go FAST and will yield a positive result. We'll see what happens:)

Blogworld, We have a Positive

Well, I got my positive [ovulation] test this morning. At least, the first one I took was positive. Then me, being the indecisive/second-guessing type of person I am decided I better let the bladder fill and take another one...not my best idea ever, because the second one was not nearly as prominent. Conrad and I prayed for wisdom about what to do because I certainly don't want to "waste" the IUIs if it's the wrong time. I called the clinic and after asking some questions, felt great about going in today. I told Conrad "God answered our prayers for a positive test before Friday, and even Thursday!" It totally had to be God, because I've never had a positive test before day 17 before, and here we are on day 14:)

Let me interject something here: I work with THE greatest group of ladies one could hope for...we were one person short today, and with me leaving for 3.25 hours, it left only two people in the branch. I prayed it would be a quiet day, and it was. One girl took an early lunch (10:30!) and grabbed leftovers for her and my manager to eat so I could leave at 11:30. They are committed to me becoming pregnant!! They are so positive and supportive.

At noon, I had my ultrasound. The tech looked at the left ovary first, and there was a mature follicle (follie in the I/F blogging world...). The left ovary is the poor one that doesn't get much action because of the blocked tube. As she moved her little wand around, lo and behold, there was a nice, big follie in my right ovary! She was excited, and so were we. The one on the right measured bigger than the one on the left. I was a little worried at first and asked the tech "if the follie was still showing in my ovary, then I haven't ovulated? Should I do IUI today?" She was definitely for it, saying that it would probably be released later today. So now we head down the hall. From here, I didn't really know what to expect. The procedure itself went fairly well (uneventful), and I just had some brief discomfort during it. I though it was a piece of cake compared to the HSG I had in April. Little did I know, that the next 20 minutes of standing on my head (j/k...just laid there:)...) would be torture. My body was cramping and pulsating and I was sweating like crazy! I tried to distract myself by reading the current issue of People, but no amount of celeb gossip could distract me from what was going on. Conrad felt helpless, but I'm glad he was in there with me. As soon as I got up to get ready to go, I got light-headed and quesy. After a few dry heaves in the garbage can, I ran to the bathroom, leaving Conrad wide-eyed and maybe a bit shocked?! The rest of the day has been painful, but it's eased up quite a bit. Luckily, I got to sit at work a lot today since we were so slow. The girls said I could go home, but there was no need to go home and mope about my pain (although, a nap would've felt nice!). All I wanted to do after work was to take a hot bath to soothe my aching body, but I *googled* "bath and IUI" and found that it may not be the best idea. I opted for warm comfy clothes and a night of cuddling in front of the boob tube with my man.

So, here's to a positive ovulation test, a nice big follie on the right side, 1000mg of ibuprofen before tomorrow's fun, and hopefully a successful round of IUI!

Talking to the Doc

I had yesterday off and actually talked to the doctor. Crazy, huh? Long story short, he actually did look over my chart...gasp!...and we have a plan. A concrete plan? No. A tentative plan? Yes. This is the rundown:

1)Finish clomid regimen (2 more pills...can you say headaches and ovary-aches??)
2)Do ovulation tests at home and PRAY that I don't have my positive test on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I told Conrad that I realize this is not a fertility clinic, but come on now, 3 days in a row off?! I pray my body cooperates. I really don't want to go ahead with IUI on day 20 of my cycle...seems kinda late, but I'm open to it if he thinks it will work.
3)If (WHEN) I get a positive test, I'll call the clinic to let them know so Conrad and I can head up and I can get an ultrasound. If my right ovary is the *one*, we will proceed with the IUI that same day. If it's my left one (with the blocked tube), we won't do IUI this month.

If you have a minute, here's a recap of some specific prayer requests:)
*I have a positive ovulation test on or before next Thursday.
*My right ovary is the star of the show and shoots out that beautiful egg.
*IUI is a success.
*Patience and peace in my mind!!

Let's Lighten Things up A Bit

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

God is Hope. God is my Provider. God is Joy. God is Peace. God is Faithful. God gives us Wisdom.

I've been filling my house with Rita Springer today. Such peaceful, uplifting, soothing, life-giving music/words. If you've never heard her, I recommend going to youtube and checking out a few of her songs. I have 5 of her cds and they are what I put on when my soul is anxious, when I'm babysitting, and when I need to just soak in God's presence. A *few* of my favorites include "Resting", "Effortless", "Worth it All", etc., etc.

Doesn't Anyone Look at Files Anymore??

I've had an ongoing battle with the doctor's office starting last Thursday, when I called to get my prescription for generic clomid called in to the pharmacy. First, I was told Nurse T was home sick, and someone would get back to me. Second phone call (in the middle of walmart's halloween aisles) made me start thinking that we wouldn't be able to pursue anything this cycle because Nurse T was now at home with a sick baby. Whoever I was talking to was saying I'd have to have a consultation (HAD ONE) before the prescription. Next excuse was needing an u/s of my ovaries to make sure they're not hyperstimulated "because that can happen with clomid" (THEY'RE NOT, 'CAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ON CLOMID FOR A YEAR).

If only Nurse T would've been there. She knows what's going on. She let me know ASAP when she found out about the in-office ultrasound to make sure it's the right ovary working it's magic so we don't waste money on an IUI if it's the wrong side. She told me to call the first day of my cycle as soon as we were ready to start the process so she could call in the prescription. Come to find out today, since Nurse T also is a member at the credit union I work at, she got "hosed"!! I guess there's a lot of politics going on at the hospital, and she didn't fit into the picture. She seems fine with it. She has a little girl and a 4 month old baby, so she'll stay home with them. I'm NOT fine with it! Selfish, I know:) Mainly because everytime I call, including this afternoon on my lunch break, no one seems to read my chart before spouting off an answer. And the voicemail that was supposed to bring an answer leaves me shaking my head, asking, "does anyone look at the files anymore?" If she would've looked at my chart, she would have realized that we are not only going to do ovulation tests and clomid this month to prep for IUI, but we are doing an ultrasound because I have a blocked tube, and IUI will be pointless if I'm ovulating on the wrong (blocked) side!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

This coupled with in-law drama (insane, I say!) is about to drive me to the looney bin! One of my co-workers, upon my return from lunch and venting about the doctor's office, said, "don't let them get you so stressed, or nothing's going to happen." I know you're right, M. I need to keep calm and collected. Sometimes I wonder if all this stuff happens just to test me or to take my focus off my goals: pregnancy and peace. I would appreciate any prayers you could shoot my way:)

...Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out...