tamales...
living in a town that's 60% hispanic (give or take), i have the benefit of having access to authentic, home-cooked mexican food. last week on thursday, i bought a dozen tamales from a woman who sells them to make money. my co-workers were raving about them, so i gave in. i went to the local grocery store to get some enchilada sauce to put over them, knowing i had cheese at home. i figured i'd follow my co-workers simple instructions for heating up tamales in a very yummy fashion. i was excited to try them and serve them to conrad:) i took about 5 out of the package and put them in a pan. i poured enchilada sauce over them and sprinkled them with cheese. after 10 minutes at 350 degrees, they smelled so good and looked like a masterpiece!
i served a few to conrad and before i could sit down, he said, "i think i'm going to need a knife."
i was like, "okay," and got him a knife.
he then said, "are you sure we're supposed to eat the whole thing?",
to which i responded, "yeah, i think so, no one told me different. it's just a corn husk."
he took a bite and quickly said, "whoa, honey, i don't think you're supposed to eat the outside."
once i started in on my own portion, i quickly realized that someone had failed to mention the minor detail of unwrapping the tamales BEFORE the toppings and BEFORE consumption!! i told my co-workers the next day and they laughed hard. good ice-breaker!! the next day i ate tacos and burritos with homemade tortillas...i ate too many, they were SO good. yeah for yummy mexican food!! however, i do need to limit my self so i don't get a mc-bellyache!!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
sufficient by adie camp
Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
In your mercy in the promise you made
Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away
Cause when I am weak your strength is complete
It's perfect
Completely all I need
Sufficient for me
Your grace and peace are perfect
Completely all I need
You're all that I need
In my weakness I'm finding your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening
When I call out your name
I'll find you when I seek
I'll look for you with all of my heart
And I'll find you when I'm weak
Cause you are strong
Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you
Hear my prayer Lord and carry my through
Carry me through
Saturday, March 21, 2009
the rock and worship roadshow tour...
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.
we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.
we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...
***mediocre pics on facebook:)
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.
we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.
we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...
***mediocre pics on facebook:)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
i feel like a yo-yo...
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
a breath of fresh air...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!
after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!
after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
a little hope...
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
bummer day...but it sure ended better than it started!...
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....
it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....
it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
where's the balance in faith?...
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i got bored yesterday...
after puttering around the house yesterday doing this and that, putting things away, etc., i had a lull and thought what should i do now? take a bath? read? as i was standing in one of the bedrooms (for now the guest room, someday the baby's room) i decided to see how hard it'd be to take down the hideous light pink/white lacey-looking wallpaper. this was the result of my boredom. now to figure out how to get off the leftover residue (the entryway wallpaper was not nearly as tough!)...
Friday, January 09, 2009
the living room transformation...
i'm finally posting some pics from the changes that occured in my "tangerina" living room/heavily leafed wallpapered entry-way (feel free to come and see it in person, it looks better that way):
***this lovely wallpaper was complete was stringy strings that ran vertically every 1/8 inch or so. conrad enjoyed tearing it out...and don't you just love the orange!! the room had 70s orange furniture in it when we first looked at the house...
***even the white primer made a huge difference...thanks for the help, susan! conrad and susan were the roller champs...i'm more ADHD and kept moving from corners to edges to around sockets with the paintbrush. 
***the finished product!! "firewood" is a lovely color, not too dark, but not too light. i love the contrast of the crown moulding and can't wait to get my furniture in there and have our first shindig!!!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
a positve note...
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!
another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!
another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.
Monday, January 05, 2009
frustration...
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
moving in the snow and missing my clients...
yesterday was cold, but fun to move things in to our new home. i got most of the kitchen put away and made plans for the today and wednesday. today, not so fun. it's snowing, so everything on the pickup gets wet. we're to the point where we're done with the boxes that close and the totes with lids, so i'm praying the snow will let up and let us move!! since i'm overwhelmed, my emotions have also been in overdrive. i just LOVE that!! (heavy on the sarcasm). i got a christmas card from Candlewood today and i was thinking that it was nice for the secretary to sign "from Candlewood" and send a card my way. i opened it on the way to town and had to restrain, since i knew i was going to be in public soon. most of my clients also signed the card, writing things like "i miss you a lot", "i hope you'll come and visit if you have enough time", and "i am really missing you a lot, have a merry christmas and stay positive and optimistic." the last one was from a client who was quite engaged in group sessions and seemed to really hear what we were talking about. i'm glad this person remembers me as saying "be positive and optimistic". crazy that i don't really feel like i have a handle on this myself, but i definitely learned a lot to apply in my own life from my time and Candlewood. i miss my clients, i miss my co-workers, and i miss being a part of these peoples' lives. sometimes i wish i could be 2 places at once, 2 people at once, so i could experience the best of both worlds--career world and the homemaker world. up until the card today, i kept thinking i was just on a long vacation from work and kept my feelings to a minimum. now i realize that while i'm feeling like i'm on an extended vacation, my clients are missing me, and a part of my heart will always be with them. was i selfish to leave just before the holiday season?? i pray to God that i made the right decision and have to be settled that He has a plan. well, i better get out of the library and go get subway so i can get back on track with moving. it's snowing worse now than this morning!
yesterday was cold, but fun to move things in to our new home. i got most of the kitchen put away and made plans for the today and wednesday. today, not so fun. it's snowing, so everything on the pickup gets wet. we're to the point where we're done with the boxes that close and the totes with lids, so i'm praying the snow will let up and let us move!! since i'm overwhelmed, my emotions have also been in overdrive. i just LOVE that!! (heavy on the sarcasm). i got a christmas card from Candlewood today and i was thinking that it was nice for the secretary to sign "from Candlewood" and send a card my way. i opened it on the way to town and had to restrain, since i knew i was going to be in public soon. most of my clients also signed the card, writing things like "i miss you a lot", "i hope you'll come and visit if you have enough time", and "i am really missing you a lot, have a merry christmas and stay positive and optimistic." the last one was from a client who was quite engaged in group sessions and seemed to really hear what we were talking about. i'm glad this person remembers me as saying "be positive and optimistic". crazy that i don't really feel like i have a handle on this myself, but i definitely learned a lot to apply in my own life from my time and Candlewood. i miss my clients, i miss my co-workers, and i miss being a part of these peoples' lives. sometimes i wish i could be 2 places at once, 2 people at once, so i could experience the best of both worlds--career world and the homemaker world. up until the card today, i kept thinking i was just on a long vacation from work and kept my feelings to a minimum. now i realize that while i'm feeling like i'm on an extended vacation, my clients are missing me, and a part of my heart will always be with them. was i selfish to leave just before the holiday season?? i pray to God that i made the right decision and have to be settled that He has a plan. well, i better get out of the library and go get subway so i can get back on track with moving. it's snowing worse now than this morning!
Monday, December 08, 2008
sunday night blues...
for the first time in a few years, i haven't had the sunday night blues!!! you know, the feeling the sunday is tainted by having to work on monday?...yeah, that. i do keep questioning my decision, however, and i need to let it go! it's done, it was God, and it's going to be a good thing.
i talked to someone today at the doctor's office (thanks for the plug, em and michel, barb was really good!) and she was willing to work through some stuff with me so my insurance won't know i'm talking "fertility" with her (heaven forbid they pay for something like that...). she ordered some "routine/preventative" blood tests to check my thyroid and something else(?can't remember?). told me to get a basal thermometer and do readings every morning and go back in little over a month, and if nothing's happened at that point, she'll put me on metformin to see if that will help me ovulate (i pray i can find a better insurance than the one i have now...and i don't want to have metformin on my "record" in case i do change instead of renew). if that doesn't work, then the next step is clomid, a fertility drug. i'm praying that we won't have to go any further than that. okay, God, i'm ready for you to work!! i know some people think it's weird i write this stuff here, but to be honest, i've gotta get it out somewhere and i need your prayers, please! physically and especially emotionally...
for the first time in a few years, i haven't had the sunday night blues!!! you know, the feeling the sunday is tainted by having to work on monday?...yeah, that. i do keep questioning my decision, however, and i need to let it go! it's done, it was God, and it's going to be a good thing.
i talked to someone today at the doctor's office (thanks for the plug, em and michel, barb was really good!) and she was willing to work through some stuff with me so my insurance won't know i'm talking "fertility" with her (heaven forbid they pay for something like that...). she ordered some "routine/preventative" blood tests to check my thyroid and something else(?can't remember?). told me to get a basal thermometer and do readings every morning and go back in little over a month, and if nothing's happened at that point, she'll put me on metformin to see if that will help me ovulate (i pray i can find a better insurance than the one i have now...and i don't want to have metformin on my "record" in case i do change instead of renew). if that doesn't work, then the next step is clomid, a fertility drug. i'm praying that we won't have to go any further than that. okay, God, i'm ready for you to work!! i know some people think it's weird i write this stuff here, but to be honest, i've gotta get it out somewhere and i need your prayers, please! physically and especially emotionally...
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
"i have something i need to tell you all..."
i was dreading this moment all weekend, all morning at work. i went to bed with a headache (i probably get 1-2 headaches a year) and woke up with a stomachache. i headed to work, all the while praying that God would help me and prepare my clients. one of my co-workers walked in with a two quilts--one for a christmas drawing for the clients, and 1 for me...a soft baby-sized quilt with a giraffe on it. i'd pointed it out about a year ago when looking through a quilting magazine with her. she ordered the panel online and made the quilt for me:) i absolutely LOVE my co-workers and will miss them sooooo much when i'm gone. this precious baby quilt was a little rough on the emotions, as she and my other co-worker (who knew this quilt was coming...) know my desire to start a family and are eager to hear the words one day. i told my co-worker that i loved the quilt and will use it someday and she responded "i know". when 10:45 rolled around i started my group session on positive thinking, joy, and self-esteem. how fitting... when 11:43 rolled around, i started to feel a knot in my throat and stomach and everywhere else one seems to have nervous build-up in their body. i remembered the support i had in my husband and my wonderful friends (esp. thought about the posts you all left on saturday's blog) and that is seriously the only thing that kept my moving forward. as emotions rose, i spit out the words i'd been dreading, "i have something i need to tell you all. thursday is going to be my last day. most of you know my husband is a farmer, and we've decided that i'm going to stay home and help out more where i can." breathe................ i hate trying to talk when i'm emotional. my face is contorted, my chin quivers, and talk as loudly as possibly, though it comes out barely above a whisper. after the few gasps, i continued, "i really have loved working with you all. you are all wonderful people and i've learned a lot from you." a few clients came over to comfort me, some looked shocked, and the room was full of voices saying, "i'll miss you, adriane", "come and visit", "you sure have been a good teacher". however frustrating things have been in the past, it's truly been the people that have kept me there this long. i've seen potential, i've seen the most caring people one could ever see, and i've seen my clients as God sees them...worthwhile, valuable, and having a purpose. i pray i've spoken this into their lives as much as i was supposed to. throughout the day, i heard more affirmations that i have made a difference to my clients. one told me "you really are a good person. and you're beautiful. i hope you have fun on the farm." another said "i'm going to miss you...who's going to thread my needles?" yet another one told me on her way out, "i'm sure going to miss you, edwin. you've been awful good to me and taken care of me. i'm going to miss you a lot." i can honestly say that if i had to pick people to be on my "team" these people would be top on my list. thank you for your prayers for this situation. i'm glad the hardest part is over, now we can all deal with it through the week. thursday may be a little rough, but the way i look at it is: if i'm feeling this way about moving on from Candlewood, and my clients and co-workers are going to miss me, i must've been doing something right (God's grace!!!). God knew where i needed to be, how long i needed to be there, and He knows where i'm going.....
i was dreading this moment all weekend, all morning at work. i went to bed with a headache (i probably get 1-2 headaches a year) and woke up with a stomachache. i headed to work, all the while praying that God would help me and prepare my clients. one of my co-workers walked in with a two quilts--one for a christmas drawing for the clients, and 1 for me...a soft baby-sized quilt with a giraffe on it. i'd pointed it out about a year ago when looking through a quilting magazine with her. she ordered the panel online and made the quilt for me:) i absolutely LOVE my co-workers and will miss them sooooo much when i'm gone. this precious baby quilt was a little rough on the emotions, as she and my other co-worker (who knew this quilt was coming...) know my desire to start a family and are eager to hear the words one day. i told my co-worker that i loved the quilt and will use it someday and she responded "i know". when 10:45 rolled around i started my group session on positive thinking, joy, and self-esteem. how fitting... when 11:43 rolled around, i started to feel a knot in my throat and stomach and everywhere else one seems to have nervous build-up in their body. i remembered the support i had in my husband and my wonderful friends (esp. thought about the posts you all left on saturday's blog) and that is seriously the only thing that kept my moving forward. as emotions rose, i spit out the words i'd been dreading, "i have something i need to tell you all. thursday is going to be my last day. most of you know my husband is a farmer, and we've decided that i'm going to stay home and help out more where i can." breathe................ i hate trying to talk when i'm emotional. my face is contorted, my chin quivers, and talk as loudly as possibly, though it comes out barely above a whisper. after the few gasps, i continued, "i really have loved working with you all. you are all wonderful people and i've learned a lot from you." a few clients came over to comfort me, some looked shocked, and the room was full of voices saying, "i'll miss you, adriane", "come and visit", "you sure have been a good teacher". however frustrating things have been in the past, it's truly been the people that have kept me there this long. i've seen potential, i've seen the most caring people one could ever see, and i've seen my clients as God sees them...worthwhile, valuable, and having a purpose. i pray i've spoken this into their lives as much as i was supposed to. throughout the day, i heard more affirmations that i have made a difference to my clients. one told me "you really are a good person. and you're beautiful. i hope you have fun on the farm." another said "i'm going to miss you...who's going to thread my needles?" yet another one told me on her way out, "i'm sure going to miss you, edwin. you've been awful good to me and taken care of me. i'm going to miss you a lot." i can honestly say that if i had to pick people to be on my "team" these people would be top on my list. thank you for your prayers for this situation. i'm glad the hardest part is over, now we can all deal with it through the week. thursday may be a little rough, but the way i look at it is: if i'm feeling this way about moving on from Candlewood, and my clients and co-workers are going to miss me, i must've been doing something right (God's grace!!!). God knew where i needed to be, how long i needed to be there, and He knows where i'm going.....
Saturday, November 29, 2008
a lot on my mind...
here's post #2 in one day...lucky you! i have had a lot on my mind lately and need to get some of it out, so you, if you choose to receive it, will be the recipients of my babble. so, my last day at work is coming up...dec. 4th. i've been looking forward to this day, but this weekend there had been a constant battle in my head about my decision. am i being selfish for not wanting to keep working?? should i at least work till i'm substantially pregnant?? have i done all God meant for me to do there?? what is conrad's family thinking about my decision?? should we have gone forward with buying this new house when we can live in the one we're in for free (strings attached, so not really "free")?? etc. etc. etc. conrad is great. last night when i told him my thoughts he said, "haven't we already made this decision?" i wish my mind was so cut and dry. i often wonder if we heard God wrong when he told us november was my month to be done working and to go ahead with the house. i hate second-guessing these things. it's driving me batty!!! i keep thinking i can keep working cuz i haven't told my clients yet and my boss would love to have me stay. but i don't want to undermine God and His plans. i try to focus on the pros--more time with conrad, not commuting in winter, God telling me "this is going to be our time", God blessing the wheat market wich would be excellent financially which would blow us away with blessing, etc. but the cons are blaring and i'm struggle to escape them. no paycheck every 2 weeks, identity as a "social worker" career woman dying, conrad's family looking at me in disdain, etc. etc. conrad tells me not to worry about what his family thinks "it's not their decision" but it's hard. especially with his sister and husband home. she just grills conrad about how we're going to buy the house. it's come up "why doesn't adriane help on the farm more?" his family doesn't really go by God's plans, which has left an emptiness in identity, unhappiness in marriages, and on and on. i just realize how much conrad and i are "aliens" in a sense even in his family's world, even though they call themselves christians. i have little in common with them, esp. his immediate family and after we hang out run through conversations over and over in my head about things i should have said. God, help me to be bold when i need to be!!! i could go on and on, i guarantee you, but i will let you all off the hook now:) please pray for peace. i know God's plans are better than my own, even though it's hard to trust at times. i keep thinking...if we had our way, we'd have a baby right now or soon. how long are we going to have to wait? when is our relationship with his family going to improve...is it?? there are things that make me want to cut all ties except for holidays/b-days. i hate feeling like this...sometimes i very much dislike what's going on in my head...about time for me to read battlefield of the mind by joyce meyer. this has got to stop. okay, i'm done. for now.
here's post #2 in one day...lucky you! i have had a lot on my mind lately and need to get some of it out, so you, if you choose to receive it, will be the recipients of my babble. so, my last day at work is coming up...dec. 4th. i've been looking forward to this day, but this weekend there had been a constant battle in my head about my decision. am i being selfish for not wanting to keep working?? should i at least work till i'm substantially pregnant?? have i done all God meant for me to do there?? what is conrad's family thinking about my decision?? should we have gone forward with buying this new house when we can live in the one we're in for free (strings attached, so not really "free")?? etc. etc. etc. conrad is great. last night when i told him my thoughts he said, "haven't we already made this decision?" i wish my mind was so cut and dry. i often wonder if we heard God wrong when he told us november was my month to be done working and to go ahead with the house. i hate second-guessing these things. it's driving me batty!!! i keep thinking i can keep working cuz i haven't told my clients yet and my boss would love to have me stay. but i don't want to undermine God and His plans. i try to focus on the pros--more time with conrad, not commuting in winter, God telling me "this is going to be our time", God blessing the wheat market wich would be excellent financially which would blow us away with blessing, etc. but the cons are blaring and i'm struggle to escape them. no paycheck every 2 weeks, identity as a "social worker" career woman dying, conrad's family looking at me in disdain, etc. etc. conrad tells me not to worry about what his family thinks "it's not their decision" but it's hard. especially with his sister and husband home. she just grills conrad about how we're going to buy the house. it's come up "why doesn't adriane help on the farm more?" his family doesn't really go by God's plans, which has left an emptiness in identity, unhappiness in marriages, and on and on. i just realize how much conrad and i are "aliens" in a sense even in his family's world, even though they call themselves christians. i have little in common with them, esp. his immediate family and after we hang out run through conversations over and over in my head about things i should have said. God, help me to be bold when i need to be!!! i could go on and on, i guarantee you, but i will let you all off the hook now:) please pray for peace. i know God's plans are better than my own, even though it's hard to trust at times. i keep thinking...if we had our way, we'd have a baby right now or soon. how long are we going to have to wait? when is our relationship with his family going to improve...is it?? there are things that make me want to cut all ties except for holidays/b-days. i hate feeling like this...sometimes i very much dislike what's going on in my head...about time for me to read battlefield of the mind by joyce meyer. this has got to stop. okay, i'm done. for now.
black friday...
i was going to post pics but since i'm at the library using the internet, it's not going to happen...oh well. pooh and i decided to do our usual black friday shopping this year...and for the second year, we've gone with our kindred spirit shopping buddy susan. when the alarm went off at 3:30a.m., i got up right away, ready to join the other crazies out in the community, hunting bargains. we didn't have anything too major...no tvs or gaming systems, etc., but there was quite a bit of little things we wanted to pick up. luckily, jcpenney opened at 4:00 so we could stagger our shopping, since a lot of stores opened at 5. we picked susan up at 4:05 and were on our way to the mall. we walked quickly toward the "fake" magic bullets that were only going to cost us $12.88. score! we wandered around a bit after that, since no where else was open. we decided to go to shopko next, since we were already at the mall and weren't meeting steph at FM till 5:30. we stood in a civilized line, probably about 50 feet out from the entrance to the store, about 3 people wide. after 10 minutes, the door opened and what was an organized line turned into a mad dash into the store...it was either be trampled or sprint...we chose the latter. picked up a few CHEAP items and stood in the line that only got longer after us...snaking through the whole front aisle section of the store. luckily we were fast, despite the crazy lady chasing us with a cart after giving another fellow shopper a flat tire when she ran into his ankles! FM is always my favorite place on black friday. we met up with steph (you go girl!) who decided to join the crazies before work. we got lots of items 1/2 off and then decided it was safe to take a few minutes off the shopping floor to grab some free donuts. yum! found lots of stuff for my home (rubbermaid food containers, fluffy red beautiful blanket, not to mention socks, slippers, etc. for 50% off!). my mom told us to buy what we wanted and she'd pay us back and make it christmas gifts. this made shopping fun since my cash envelopes for the month are empty! we headed to the mall and went to a few different stores. found some great buys and took a break for mrs. powells till steph had to head to work. met up with pooh's old moscow roomie sarah. shopped some more. and some more. and some more. went to shoe carnival (i swore i'd never go in again, but found some nice shoes for conrad) and tjmaxx where i found some beautiful candle holders for my new house. decided it was time for lunch and went to craigos0--all you can eat salad, pasta, pizza bar. yum!! even better with a $4.99 coupon. we thought we'd call it a day and separated from sarah, ready to go take a snooze...i had a baby shower at 2. however.......on our way past goodwill, i remembered the 50% off everything sign i'd seen and we spent about 45 mins. in there. i was late to the baby shower, but luckily it was running on "African time" so i was actually early, in a sense, when i arrived at 2:15. i found a nice big coffee table for $12.50, as well as a lot of other misc. items. all in all, a FUN day. didn't cause any fights, but heard about one from a clerk about ladies fighting over a blender. my dad said someone in arkansas got killed. people are a little too hardcore for me!!! it was fun to hang out and just go with the flow, finding some good bargains. i slept like a wee babe last night........ can't wait for next year!!
i was going to post pics but since i'm at the library using the internet, it's not going to happen...oh well. pooh and i decided to do our usual black friday shopping this year...and for the second year, we've gone with our kindred spirit shopping buddy susan. when the alarm went off at 3:30a.m., i got up right away, ready to join the other crazies out in the community, hunting bargains. we didn't have anything too major...no tvs or gaming systems, etc., but there was quite a bit of little things we wanted to pick up. luckily, jcpenney opened at 4:00 so we could stagger our shopping, since a lot of stores opened at 5. we picked susan up at 4:05 and were on our way to the mall. we walked quickly toward the "fake" magic bullets that were only going to cost us $12.88. score! we wandered around a bit after that, since no where else was open. we decided to go to shopko next, since we were already at the mall and weren't meeting steph at FM till 5:30. we stood in a civilized line, probably about 50 feet out from the entrance to the store, about 3 people wide. after 10 minutes, the door opened and what was an organized line turned into a mad dash into the store...it was either be trampled or sprint...we chose the latter. picked up a few CHEAP items and stood in the line that only got longer after us...snaking through the whole front aisle section of the store. luckily we were fast, despite the crazy lady chasing us with a cart after giving another fellow shopper a flat tire when she ran into his ankles! FM is always my favorite place on black friday. we met up with steph (you go girl!) who decided to join the crazies before work. we got lots of items 1/2 off and then decided it was safe to take a few minutes off the shopping floor to grab some free donuts. yum! found lots of stuff for my home (rubbermaid food containers, fluffy red beautiful blanket, not to mention socks, slippers, etc. for 50% off!). my mom told us to buy what we wanted and she'd pay us back and make it christmas gifts. this made shopping fun since my cash envelopes for the month are empty! we headed to the mall and went to a few different stores. found some great buys and took a break for mrs. powells till steph had to head to work. met up with pooh's old moscow roomie sarah. shopped some more. and some more. and some more. went to shoe carnival (i swore i'd never go in again, but found some nice shoes for conrad) and tjmaxx where i found some beautiful candle holders for my new house. decided it was time for lunch and went to craigos0--all you can eat salad, pasta, pizza bar. yum!! even better with a $4.99 coupon. we thought we'd call it a day and separated from sarah, ready to go take a snooze...i had a baby shower at 2. however.......on our way past goodwill, i remembered the 50% off everything sign i'd seen and we spent about 45 mins. in there. i was late to the baby shower, but luckily it was running on "African time" so i was actually early, in a sense, when i arrived at 2:15. i found a nice big coffee table for $12.50, as well as a lot of other misc. items. all in all, a FUN day. didn't cause any fights, but heard about one from a clerk about ladies fighting over a blender. my dad said someone in arkansas got killed. people are a little too hardcore for me!!! it was fun to hang out and just go with the flow, finding some good bargains. i slept like a wee babe last night........ can't wait for next year!!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
my "kids"...
since i don't have any biological children yet, conrad and i tease about our kittens (almost cats now!!) being our "kids". jack and gracie LOVE to play when we are working outside. conrad was helping me dig my bulbs up last sunday when our "kids" decided to "help" us. they enjoy getting in the way of the shovel, laying on the fresh dirt right in the way, and chasing the prongs of the rake. i also discovered that jack likes to be buried in leaves!! he was so cute and the only reason his face is showing is because i wanted the picture to actually show him, not just a mound of leaves. gracie does not prefer being buried alive under leaves and was not standing for my kodak moment. after the pics, however, she went over to an existing pile of leaves and started tunneling through it. crazy girl.
on tuesday morning, i got quite emotional when i came 2 seconds from watching a coyote eat jack. i'm NOT exaggerating. they were 8-10 feet apart from each other and the only reason the coyote ran away was because i was screaming like a wild woman. last night when i got home, i got gracie in for the night but jack was being a turd. i left him out for a few minutes while i put groceries away, cuz usually he realizes his sister is in and wants to be with her. not last night. i went out for my second round of "chase jack around the yard" and heard yipping coyotes over by the equipment shed jack and gracie hang out around during the day. i couldn't find jack, though i'd seen him just minutes earlier, and started freaking out again. i started praying for jack and after a few minutes, jack came running toward me, oblivious to the predators lurking 1/16th mile away and obviously on the prowl. instead of his usual i'll let you get this close and then run away he actually plopped down on the ground for a belly rub. i snatched him up and put him in the porch area with gracie, happy my "kids" were safe!! all this to say, i love my cats...and i know it will be crazy to see how much more i feel about my real kids someday. pets are God's gift to us:) and until i have a real kid to talk about, you'll all have to deal with these "kid" stories:)
since i don't have any biological children yet, conrad and i tease about our kittens (almost cats now!!) being our "kids". jack and gracie LOVE to play when we are working outside. conrad was helping me dig my bulbs up last sunday when our "kids" decided to "help" us. they enjoy getting in the way of the shovel, laying on the fresh dirt right in the way, and chasing the prongs of the rake. i also discovered that jack likes to be buried in leaves!! he was so cute and the only reason his face is showing is because i wanted the picture to actually show him, not just a mound of leaves. gracie does not prefer being buried alive under leaves and was not standing for my kodak moment. after the pics, however, she went over to an existing pile of leaves and started tunneling through it. crazy girl.
on tuesday morning, i got quite emotional when i came 2 seconds from watching a coyote eat jack. i'm NOT exaggerating. they were 8-10 feet apart from each other and the only reason the coyote ran away was because i was screaming like a wild woman. last night when i got home, i got gracie in for the night but jack was being a turd. i left him out for a few minutes while i put groceries away, cuz usually he realizes his sister is in and wants to be with her. not last night. i went out for my second round of "chase jack around the yard" and heard yipping coyotes over by the equipment shed jack and gracie hang out around during the day. i couldn't find jack, though i'd seen him just minutes earlier, and started freaking out again. i started praying for jack and after a few minutes, jack came running toward me, oblivious to the predators lurking 1/16th mile away and obviously on the prowl. instead of his usual i'll let you get this close and then run away he actually plopped down on the ground for a belly rub. i snatched him up and put him in the porch area with gracie, happy my "kids" were safe!! all this to say, i love my cats...and i know it will be crazy to see how much more i feel about my real kids someday. pets are God's gift to us:) and until i have a real kid to talk about, you'll all have to deal with these "kid" stories:)
Friday, October 24, 2008
financial peace...
"two words that don't usually go together" as dave ramsey quips, as he talks about the standard americans' financial situation. i listened to the 2 lessons i've missed of our financial peace university today so i'd be on the same page going into our class tonight. this 13 week course has the potentially to literally change one's life forever. i am amazed at his stories and his successes. everytime i leave class or finished a cd i felt like i wanted to get out my pompoms and/or cry. what a sensitive subject finances is, and i wish so badly that more people would be proactive with their money, myself included. when we were in south dakota, staying with my grandma in her spacious 3 bedroom apartment, there were brief financial-related comments that made me proud. she said that some of her friends ask why she pays for a 3 bedroom apartment. her response to them is, "i can afford it and i like the space." she's been there close to 9 years now, since my grandpa died, and loves it. she also made the comment, "i could travel a lot now, i have the money, but i'm content at home." these comments are made matter-of-factly, humbly. the more i think about it, the more proud i become of my grandparents' planning ahead for a great, high quality of life future. i'm sure my grandpa is looking down, smiling on his cute little wife enjoying these latter years of life without the worry of money. i also am proud of my other set of grandparents, who lived financially free in their later years, and still had plenty to divide between 6 kids when they passed away. what great rolemodels to me and to others!! i pray that conrad and i will have the same wisdom and that God will give us discipline to follow through with what needs to be done...there has already been a lot of "lightbulb" moments since our class started 7 weeks ago, and there will definitely be more to come. it is something i am passionate about and feel like God's given us an excellent tool. can't wait for more!!
"two words that don't usually go together" as dave ramsey quips, as he talks about the standard americans' financial situation. i listened to the 2 lessons i've missed of our financial peace university today so i'd be on the same page going into our class tonight. this 13 week course has the potentially to literally change one's life forever. i am amazed at his stories and his successes. everytime i leave class or finished a cd i felt like i wanted to get out my pompoms and/or cry. what a sensitive subject finances is, and i wish so badly that more people would be proactive with their money, myself included. when we were in south dakota, staying with my grandma in her spacious 3 bedroom apartment, there were brief financial-related comments that made me proud. she said that some of her friends ask why she pays for a 3 bedroom apartment. her response to them is, "i can afford it and i like the space." she's been there close to 9 years now, since my grandpa died, and loves it. she also made the comment, "i could travel a lot now, i have the money, but i'm content at home." these comments are made matter-of-factly, humbly. the more i think about it, the more proud i become of my grandparents' planning ahead for a great, high quality of life future. i'm sure my grandpa is looking down, smiling on his cute little wife enjoying these latter years of life without the worry of money. i also am proud of my other set of grandparents, who lived financially free in their later years, and still had plenty to divide between 6 kids when they passed away. what great rolemodels to me and to others!! i pray that conrad and i will have the same wisdom and that God will give us discipline to follow through with what needs to be done...there has already been a lot of "lightbulb" moments since our class started 7 weeks ago, and there will definitely be more to come. it is something i am passionate about and feel like God's given us an excellent tool. can't wait for more!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
fat and happy with the fam...
this is what i've been for most of my vacation. i'm sitting here with fox news blaring and sitting on the couch after a yummy home-cooked grandma meal and my cute grandma sitting on the recliner working crossword puzzles. over dinner, and long after (dishes can wait!), grandma talked about her travels and about her and grandpa's families. she's traveled A LOT and i pray i can go half the places she's gone in her lifetime. i love when she talks about grandpa. it's been 9 years now since he died. sometimes i'm sad that i didn't know him better than i did, but then again, i do have lots of good memories and am glad i knew him through jr. high. earlier today she talked about how she's content with being home. she's in excellent health for 87 and gets out for bridge club and church, however, she said she likes being home, "i've done my working and my traveling, and now i'm just content with life where i'm at." we've eaten like queens, and some of my pants are tight!! it couldn't possibly have the urging for "eat more, there's lots left (twist my arm, grandma)" or the brownie and ice cream every night for a snack, could it?? we hung out with my 2nd cousins yesterday at a pumpkin patch and then pooh and i went to coffee with my uncle bill. it was nice. i remember that i used to be intimidated by him, mostly because i'm a shy person by nature and didn't have the maturity i think. however, i was telling pooh after he dropped us off that i'm glad we're to the point where we can all just sit and have an hour of adult conversation. we also got to spend time with his wife, my aunt cindy. i also loved that. she's easy going and has a good sense of humor. she's excited for conrad and i to have a baby....whenver that may happen. she loves her grandkids and is so cute with them. it seemed like the trip went fast, but also like we've had good times of conversation. i wish we knew when we were young that life was so fragile and to make the most of every moment with family, but i can only make the most of what i have now, i realize that. i am thankful that my kids' grandparents will all live close, what a precious relationship:) sigh
Monday, October 13, 2008
old friends...
well, we were kidding about the fact that we are getting old-25 now (and turning 26 over the course of the next 6 months)!! i traveled with fawn to boise on friday and headed back sunday after spending some time with my "college" friends. i can't believe it's been 7 years since i started college and met these girls. it was so refreshing to catch up and reminisce, laughing and crying together. it's crazy to see where life has taken us--me getting ready to be a stay-at-home wife (gave my notice last thursday!!) and hopefully have a baby in the near future, fawn teaching/blessing a class of 4 year olds, britt working as an NP at a well-known oncology unit and owning a beautiful home with her hubby (i've heard, can't wait to see it!), and jeannie fresh out of the peace corps and using her psychology degree to work with kids and adolescents. who would've thunk it?? although we had lots of laughs, we also comforted each other as we share our disappointments, our longings, and our wanting to know we're in God's will. i pray we continue to cultivate our relationships in such a way that we can always share so openly, even with some distance between us. i don't want it to come to a christmas card every other year and maybe a phone call or text on the birthdays. God, help me to do my part to maintain and nurture all of the precious relationships in my life...
well, we were kidding about the fact that we are getting old-25 now (and turning 26 over the course of the next 6 months)!! i traveled with fawn to boise on friday and headed back sunday after spending some time with my "college" friends. i can't believe it's been 7 years since i started college and met these girls. it was so refreshing to catch up and reminisce, laughing and crying together. it's crazy to see where life has taken us--me getting ready to be a stay-at-home wife (gave my notice last thursday!!) and hopefully have a baby in the near future, fawn teaching/blessing a class of 4 year olds, britt working as an NP at a well-known oncology unit and owning a beautiful home with her hubby (i've heard, can't wait to see it!), and jeannie fresh out of the peace corps and using her psychology degree to work with kids and adolescents. who would've thunk it?? although we had lots of laughs, we also comforted each other as we share our disappointments, our longings, and our wanting to know we're in God's will. i pray we continue to cultivate our relationships in such a way that we can always share so openly, even with some distance between us. i don't want it to come to a christmas card every other year and maybe a phone call or text on the birthdays. God, help me to do my part to maintain and nurture all of the precious relationships in my life...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
unconditional...
i've been thinking a lot lately about friendships and how unconditional love and support play a role. of course we know (hopefully) that God's and family's love and support are unconditional. i know i've been shown more than my fair share of grace. but what about when it comes to friendship? fortunately in my life, i've had amazing friends and i can't remember a time when i've set conditions or been the object of conditions. so what about when friends mess up? bad. hurt a lot of people. know they've messed up. stuck in situation because of whatever reason. what about now? do i back away and let them loose? i think that unconditional friendship means standing by someone even when their actions have turned others away. i wonder how my thoughts and actions in this situation will be seen by others. ultimately does it matter what others think, or if i remain loyal to this person? i have a history of deep friendship with a person and though we haven't talked a lot verbally over the past year, we stay in touch online and God lays her on my heart quite a bit. even though the dynamics of our friendship has changed (10 years ago i was the one lacking close friends and she was a strong tower in my life and now she's told me several times over the past year "you're the only one i can always count on. you're the only friend who is loyal and doesn't abandon me no matter what i do."), i still feel committed to the friendship. i know some may raise their eyebrows and wonder what i'm doing, but i pray they'll know my loyalties aren't tied to actions-good or bad. though i've been asked to be in a place of honor, i don't want to feel like i'm condoning a situation, though my refusing support wouldn't change the situation, only the credibility of my friendship as far as i can see it. this is just one of the many things rolling around in my head lately... let me know if you have any insight...i'm sure i'll have more to say later...
i've been thinking a lot lately about friendships and how unconditional love and support play a role. of course we know (hopefully) that God's and family's love and support are unconditional. i know i've been shown more than my fair share of grace. but what about when it comes to friendship? fortunately in my life, i've had amazing friends and i can't remember a time when i've set conditions or been the object of conditions. so what about when friends mess up? bad. hurt a lot of people. know they've messed up. stuck in situation because of whatever reason. what about now? do i back away and let them loose? i think that unconditional friendship means standing by someone even when their actions have turned others away. i wonder how my thoughts and actions in this situation will be seen by others. ultimately does it matter what others think, or if i remain loyal to this person? i have a history of deep friendship with a person and though we haven't talked a lot verbally over the past year, we stay in touch online and God lays her on my heart quite a bit. even though the dynamics of our friendship has changed (10 years ago i was the one lacking close friends and she was a strong tower in my life and now she's told me several times over the past year "you're the only one i can always count on. you're the only friend who is loyal and doesn't abandon me no matter what i do."), i still feel committed to the friendship. i know some may raise their eyebrows and wonder what i'm doing, but i pray they'll know my loyalties aren't tied to actions-good or bad. though i've been asked to be in a place of honor, i don't want to feel like i'm condoning a situation, though my refusing support wouldn't change the situation, only the credibility of my friendship as far as i can see it. this is just one of the many things rolling around in my head lately... let me know if you have any insight...i'm sure i'll have more to say later...
Sunday, August 24, 2008
it's been awhile, again...
seems like i go in spurts...write a lot, then write rarely (mostly the latter). i guess i don't really have much to say so i keep all of nothing to myself. actually, there is a lot going on, maybe too much to keep up with on a blog?? who knows. went to ikea with steph on friday, always a joy (ikea and being with steph):) did an all day yard sale yesterday to raise money for pooh to go to thailand. i'm drained. it was fun to hang out with brandon and susan all day, but at the end of the day, i was dead tired and am still recovering. raised $262 though, and got rid of a lot of junk between all of us pack-rat manskes. conrad and i keep saying "we will not be like our parents and have multiple storage (junk) rooms when we're 50. so far i think we're doing okay. we'll see how it goes once we move into a house with lots of space!! we'll be moving in november. i'm ready to kick the couple out so i can paint and start moving my stuff in. very eager to live there!! conrad's been busy with harvest, and the crops are amazing. i'm proud of my man...he defnitely does his job with excellence. a few family issues we're trying to work through and praying the wheat market will go back up (it dropped the max amount in one day on friday). couple of things you could keep in your prayers:) well, that's all i'm going to say today. i've gotta cut myself off somewhere, so i don't overload you all. i think i have a habit of doing that and that may be why i've cut back on this thing...who knows??
seems like i go in spurts...write a lot, then write rarely (mostly the latter). i guess i don't really have much to say so i keep all of nothing to myself. actually, there is a lot going on, maybe too much to keep up with on a blog?? who knows. went to ikea with steph on friday, always a joy (ikea and being with steph):) did an all day yard sale yesterday to raise money for pooh to go to thailand. i'm drained. it was fun to hang out with brandon and susan all day, but at the end of the day, i was dead tired and am still recovering. raised $262 though, and got rid of a lot of junk between all of us pack-rat manskes. conrad and i keep saying "we will not be like our parents and have multiple storage (junk) rooms when we're 50. so far i think we're doing okay. we'll see how it goes once we move into a house with lots of space!! we'll be moving in november. i'm ready to kick the couple out so i can paint and start moving my stuff in. very eager to live there!! conrad's been busy with harvest, and the crops are amazing. i'm proud of my man...he defnitely does his job with excellence. a few family issues we're trying to work through and praying the wheat market will go back up (it dropped the max amount in one day on friday). couple of things you could keep in your prayers:) well, that's all i'm going to say today. i've gotta cut myself off somewhere, so i don't overload you all. i think i have a habit of doing that and that may be why i've cut back on this thing...who knows??
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
crazy cats...
last night when i was bringing in my 2nd load of groceries, the cats got in the car. i didn't see them when i got the third and final load. when conrad got home and we went to get them in, we saw them in the dashboard of the car. conrad went over and said, "it's locked." long story short: they locked themselves in with the keys in the ignition and we couldn't find the spare. they were in there 12 hours before the Lock Doc could come and rescue them and me this morning at 9:50. i was late to work and brought the kittens so they could get their shots tonight. luckily, they got over the entrapment quickly and still think i'm the best mother in the world:)
last night when i was bringing in my 2nd load of groceries, the cats got in the car. i didn't see them when i got the third and final load. when conrad got home and we went to get them in, we saw them in the dashboard of the car. conrad went over and said, "it's locked." long story short: they locked themselves in with the keys in the ignition and we couldn't find the spare. they were in there 12 hours before the Lock Doc could come and rescue them and me this morning at 9:50. i was late to work and brought the kittens so they could get their shots tonight. luckily, they got over the entrapment quickly and still think i'm the best mother in the world:)
Monday, July 14, 2008
a few hours of trauma...
i had a good weekend except for a few hours. friday night, gracie wouldn't come in and we didn't know where she was. we finally got jack out of the tree after 15 minutes of calling for him and him responding with whiny, scared meows. i went to bed, sure that i'd wake up to gracie meowing at the front door wanting to come in. when i had to pee at 5:45 saturday morning (grr!) the first thing i thought was gracie never came home last night and told conrad (since he was incoherent when i got into bed the night before). i started crying and he said he couldn't sleep anymore thinking about her. so we went out searching. i bawled the whole time. i was thinking i should've got her in sooner than i did, etc., etc. conrad said maybe an owl got her. 5 minutes later we saw an owl swoop into a tree. huge owl!! i yelled at it "i hate you!" as if it could understand me. it's amazing how attached you get to a pet in just a short time. conrad and i sat in the living room for awhile. jack was meowing at the door. conrad went out to see him and said, "sorry about your sister, jack". he's so sweet with the kittens. can't imagine what he'll be like with our baby-amazingly adorable, i'm sure. he finally had to go so i went on a long walk. when i got back, i held jack. he doesn't usually like to be held, but was like my shadow. when i was watering the garden, i turned for no apparent reason and gracie was running toward me with her tail about 3 inches in diameter! i've never been so happy to see her face!! i started bawling again as i held her close and called conrad. he was very happy. this was about 9:30, and i was ready for some breakfast. after i poured my cereal, i saw something coming from the dining room. why's there a bird in the house? then i realized it was a bat....coming straight for me. it chased me out of the kitchen, i grabbed my phone (screaming all the while...if you can imagine that), and went outside to call conrad...crying hysterically. long story made a little shorter...we couldn't find it but it surfaced again when i was alone so i called my knight in shining armor again and he came and flushed it down the toilet. sigh what would i do without him? better get going to pilates, but thank God gracie's back and the bat's gone. my emotions took a toll on me...especially since i was sleep deprived to begin with.
i had a good weekend except for a few hours. friday night, gracie wouldn't come in and we didn't know where she was. we finally got jack out of the tree after 15 minutes of calling for him and him responding with whiny, scared meows. i went to bed, sure that i'd wake up to gracie meowing at the front door wanting to come in. when i had to pee at 5:45 saturday morning (grr!) the first thing i thought was gracie never came home last night and told conrad (since he was incoherent when i got into bed the night before). i started crying and he said he couldn't sleep anymore thinking about her. so we went out searching. i bawled the whole time. i was thinking i should've got her in sooner than i did, etc., etc. conrad said maybe an owl got her. 5 minutes later we saw an owl swoop into a tree. huge owl!! i yelled at it "i hate you!" as if it could understand me. it's amazing how attached you get to a pet in just a short time. conrad and i sat in the living room for awhile. jack was meowing at the door. conrad went out to see him and said, "sorry about your sister, jack". he's so sweet with the kittens. can't imagine what he'll be like with our baby-amazingly adorable, i'm sure. he finally had to go so i went on a long walk. when i got back, i held jack. he doesn't usually like to be held, but was like my shadow. when i was watering the garden, i turned for no apparent reason and gracie was running toward me with her tail about 3 inches in diameter! i've never been so happy to see her face!! i started bawling again as i held her close and called conrad. he was very happy. this was about 9:30, and i was ready for some breakfast. after i poured my cereal, i saw something coming from the dining room. why's there a bird in the house? then i realized it was a bat....coming straight for me. it chased me out of the kitchen, i grabbed my phone (screaming all the while...if you can imagine that), and went outside to call conrad...crying hysterically. long story made a little shorter...we couldn't find it but it surfaced again when i was alone so i called my knight in shining armor again and he came and flushed it down the toilet. sigh what would i do without him? better get going to pilates, but thank God gracie's back and the bat's gone. my emotions took a toll on me...especially since i was sleep deprived to begin with.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
a lovely drive...
on monday, i took the day off to spend it with conrad's family, since it was ranae and josh's last day in AF. one of their family traditions on the 4th is to go on a drive. last year, we went on the back roads to where conrad's grandma's parents settled and where she grew up. it was very interesting. ranae missed it last year, so that was the one thing she wanted to do for sure during their short visit. we took the back roads to malta and then decided to head up the pomerelle mountain. i've never seen it without snow! it was absolutely beautiful. i was glad i'd thrown my camera in my purse before we left. there's a few lakes up there and there's still some snow!! i can't wait to go up there again.
Lake Cleveland
just after RaNae almost fell in while she was sitting on that log behind us and I saved her (after screaming bloody murder (i know you can't imagine that:) the water was freezing cold!)
Horse Thief Lake 
Pomerelle
on monday, i took the day off to spend it with conrad's family, since it was ranae and josh's last day in AF. one of their family traditions on the 4th is to go on a drive. last year, we went on the back roads to where conrad's grandma's parents settled and where she grew up. it was very interesting. ranae missed it last year, so that was the one thing she wanted to do for sure during their short visit. we took the back roads to malta and then decided to head up the pomerelle mountain. i've never seen it without snow! it was absolutely beautiful. i was glad i'd thrown my camera in my purse before we left. there's a few lakes up there and there's still some snow!! i can't wait to go up there again.
Lake Cleveland
just after RaNae almost fell in while she was sitting on that log behind us and I saved her (after screaming bloody murder (i know you can't imagine that:) the water was freezing cold!)
Horse Thief Lake 
Pomerelle
Monday, June 30, 2008
how does your garden grow???
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
99% sure...
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)
Thursday, June 05, 2008
big decision...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...
Monday, June 02, 2008
lessons for my clients...
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
a little piece of what's going on in my head...
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
i'll take the earrings...
since i got a $10 gift certificate to jcpenney for mother's day in the mail that expired today, i thought i'd head over after fawn's graduation party. i was excited to put my bargain shopping to work and had three separate trips to the dressing room with 5-10 items each time. junior's stuff is too small, especially the place where they expect your boobs to fit. one brand in the young women's doesn't carry my size, or else i would've bought like 5 different shirts. the dresses were way cute but i needed a 2nd opinion and talked myself out of this adorable dress because how often am i really going to wear it? and does it look too maternity (which, sadly enough i don't need yet) with the way the fabric doesn't flow? (i might just go get it anyway tomorrow...and pray the clearance price goes down more...) i was sweating my butt off cuz the dressing rooms were 85 degrees and my hair was all static-y from the shirts coming on and off. i probably lapped the store 3 times, no exaggeration. i ended up buying a pair of earrings.
since i got a $10 gift certificate to jcpenney for mother's day in the mail that expired today, i thought i'd head over after fawn's graduation party. i was excited to put my bargain shopping to work and had three separate trips to the dressing room with 5-10 items each time. junior's stuff is too small, especially the place where they expect your boobs to fit. one brand in the young women's doesn't carry my size, or else i would've bought like 5 different shirts. the dresses were way cute but i needed a 2nd opinion and talked myself out of this adorable dress because how often am i really going to wear it? and does it look too maternity (which, sadly enough i don't need yet) with the way the fabric doesn't flow? (i might just go get it anyway tomorrow...and pray the clearance price goes down more...) i was sweating my butt off cuz the dressing rooms were 85 degrees and my hair was all static-y from the shirts coming on and off. i probably lapped the store 3 times, no exaggeration. i ended up buying a pair of earrings.
Monday, May 05, 2008
rollercoaster...
so before you start diagnosing me...:) i sometimes do this to myself, but then remember that i need to NOT do that because it's not who i am. i just read an email from a close friend and between reading that (at work...naughty) and my own contemplations last night as i talked with conrad, i'm getting more insight. i didn't cry on the way to work today, already better than last monday! i know we all go through rollercoaster emotions and i think a lot of mine lately has to do with longing for a new season in my life--motherhood. everytime it doesn't happen i get all sorts of messed up. i'm no longer content with my job (did i mention i'm writing this at work?) and in my mind i think, wouldn't it just be more simple to quit because i'm pregnant rather than explain burnout to my boss, clients, in-laws? and no, this is NOT the reason i want a baby. i'm just ready to NOT be a careerwoman. it's never what i wanted. a former co-worker offered to email me about new jobs he hears about with the state and i was tempted, but that's not what i want. i want to see conrad more and i want to be a mom. God, help me as i deal with the burnout and the waiting!!! and God bless those who read this blog and my rantings and ravings!!!
so before you start diagnosing me...:) i sometimes do this to myself, but then remember that i need to NOT do that because it's not who i am. i just read an email from a close friend and between reading that (at work...naughty) and my own contemplations last night as i talked with conrad, i'm getting more insight. i didn't cry on the way to work today, already better than last monday! i know we all go through rollercoaster emotions and i think a lot of mine lately has to do with longing for a new season in my life--motherhood. everytime it doesn't happen i get all sorts of messed up. i'm no longer content with my job (did i mention i'm writing this at work?) and in my mind i think, wouldn't it just be more simple to quit because i'm pregnant rather than explain burnout to my boss, clients, in-laws? and no, this is NOT the reason i want a baby. i'm just ready to NOT be a careerwoman. it's never what i wanted. a former co-worker offered to email me about new jobs he hears about with the state and i was tempted, but that's not what i want. i want to see conrad more and i want to be a mom. God, help me as i deal with the burnout and the waiting!!! and God bless those who read this blog and my rantings and ravings!!!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
in my head...
i have lots of things spinning around in my head. no, i'm not going to write them all down. it may seem as though i do give a lot of info on my blog, maybe more than some, but there are some things that i think that will never be written. thank God for conrad. and thank God for God. i don't always know how to deal with such thoughts. i pray a lot but i struggle with seeing it totally work. which leads me to the message at church today, or at least a small part of what i got out of it. God is allowing this "storm" to build my faith and trust in Him. i know this, but i just want to add that storms suck. i know i'll come out at the other side but i always pray that i'll have the strength to endure the struggle. if i hadn't had a birthday party today i would've stayed at home in bed. i guess God wanted me to get out and go to church, even if i can barely say the words during worship. i know the things that rod shares about God and out of the Bible, but any ideas how to make them a part of me...more than just head knowledge?? i'm sick of crying all the time. i'm sick of beating myself up. i'm sick of not being content and happy. i'm sick of being surface-level. like i asked before...any ideas? i'm beginning to feel like a client and am going back and forth between "publish post" and the delete key...
i have lots of things spinning around in my head. no, i'm not going to write them all down. it may seem as though i do give a lot of info on my blog, maybe more than some, but there are some things that i think that will never be written. thank God for conrad. and thank God for God. i don't always know how to deal with such thoughts. i pray a lot but i struggle with seeing it totally work. which leads me to the message at church today, or at least a small part of what i got out of it. God is allowing this "storm" to build my faith and trust in Him. i know this, but i just want to add that storms suck. i know i'll come out at the other side but i always pray that i'll have the strength to endure the struggle. if i hadn't had a birthday party today i would've stayed at home in bed. i guess God wanted me to get out and go to church, even if i can barely say the words during worship. i know the things that rod shares about God and out of the Bible, but any ideas how to make them a part of me...more than just head knowledge?? i'm sick of crying all the time. i'm sick of beating myself up. i'm sick of not being content and happy. i'm sick of being surface-level. like i asked before...any ideas? i'm beginning to feel like a client and am going back and forth between "publish post" and the delete key...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
a good couple of days...
after my self-proclaimed pity parties i've been having i thought i'd write some positive things down. mostly a reminder for MYSELF. i just got back from volunteering at the Idaho Food Bank. the person in charge seems like a great person and i'll have to say that it feels like a great accomplishment when you see the progress made in 2 hours. i am grateful that i have the ability to buy the food i want, the brands i want, and more than enough food. i am grateful to the people who help those who can't afford enough food for their families. i asked how the feeding the 5,000 went and roy said, "great! we got over 11,000 pounds of food and over $12,000." isn't that awesome!! all this to say, it's nice to focus on someone besides myself. especially right now. i'll probably go back sometime just because i can and it's good to help out the community where one can.
i got to catch up with an old friend yesterday. old in the sense that 1)we've been friends for close to 2 DECADES!! and 2) she's older than me (wink wink anjo), though only by 1 yr. and 2 months. we had a great time catching up...laughter, tears, the whole bit. she called me right after i got her b-day package and was going to call her. great minds think alike!! i think it's great that two people can have such a history and value your friendship, andrea, so much. can i just say, too, that i LOVE all my friends. God has blessed me with the absolute greatest friends ever. sometimes i can't believe it and don't even know if i deserve them all!!! God is so good to me. well, it's about time for bed so i can wake up and go to spinning and abs at 5:45. pretty excited!! thank you to all who read my blog and care about me:)
after my self-proclaimed pity parties i've been having i thought i'd write some positive things down. mostly a reminder for MYSELF. i just got back from volunteering at the Idaho Food Bank. the person in charge seems like a great person and i'll have to say that it feels like a great accomplishment when you see the progress made in 2 hours. i am grateful that i have the ability to buy the food i want, the brands i want, and more than enough food. i am grateful to the people who help those who can't afford enough food for their families. i asked how the feeding the 5,000 went and roy said, "great! we got over 11,000 pounds of food and over $12,000." isn't that awesome!! all this to say, it's nice to focus on someone besides myself. especially right now. i'll probably go back sometime just because i can and it's good to help out the community where one can.
i got to catch up with an old friend yesterday. old in the sense that 1)we've been friends for close to 2 DECADES!! and 2) she's older than me (wink wink anjo), though only by 1 yr. and 2 months. we had a great time catching up...laughter, tears, the whole bit. she called me right after i got her b-day package and was going to call her. great minds think alike!! i think it's great that two people can have such a history and value your friendship, andrea, so much. can i just say, too, that i LOVE all my friends. God has blessed me with the absolute greatest friends ever. sometimes i can't believe it and don't even know if i deserve them all!!! God is so good to me. well, it's about time for bed so i can wake up and go to spinning and abs at 5:45. pretty excited!! thank you to all who read my blog and care about me:)
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
where i've been...
haven't written for awhile, partly because i don't have a lot of access to the internet (i did try to blog and post pics from the farm last week and blogger was malfunctioning...i stopped trying after 3 failed attempts). mostly though, it's because i don't like where i've been and don't want to drag you all down with me. life continues to frustrate me. i don't really understand all that's happening, or not happening for that matter. i do know that i pray A LOT, more than i can ever remember praying before. and nothing. i feel like i'm in a cloud of depression. monday night at the newberry's was the first time in two months that i've felt like myself. the last time was when i went to SLC with susan, steph, and pooh. i don't know what the deal is, but when you think about it, please pray for me:)
i do have to say that i have the BEST husband ever. he's so patient with me and i thank God every day for him. small example: monday morning (before i found out i had a flat and he had to fill up my tire) when we said goodbye he said "i can't wait until you don't have to work anymore and don't have to commute anymore." sometimes the love he shows me seems more than i deserve, more than i could've imagined in a husband. we are both eager to start a new season of life where i'm home more and where there's a little isaak involved:) hopefully it'll happen soon.
haven't written for awhile, partly because i don't have a lot of access to the internet (i did try to blog and post pics from the farm last week and blogger was malfunctioning...i stopped trying after 3 failed attempts). mostly though, it's because i don't like where i've been and don't want to drag you all down with me. life continues to frustrate me. i don't really understand all that's happening, or not happening for that matter. i do know that i pray A LOT, more than i can ever remember praying before. and nothing. i feel like i'm in a cloud of depression. monday night at the newberry's was the first time in two months that i've felt like myself. the last time was when i went to SLC with susan, steph, and pooh. i don't know what the deal is, but when you think about it, please pray for me:)
i do have to say that i have the BEST husband ever. he's so patient with me and i thank God every day for him. small example: monday morning (before i found out i had a flat and he had to fill up my tire) when we said goodbye he said "i can't wait until you don't have to work anymore and don't have to commute anymore." sometimes the love he shows me seems more than i deserve, more than i could've imagined in a husband. we are both eager to start a new season of life where i'm home more and where there's a little isaak involved:) hopefully it'll happen soon.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
unwelcome visitor...
i don't think i've ever NOT wanted my period so badly. i actually almost cried today when "aunt flow" came to visit in walmart. not because of the cramps from hell either as i walked around with a client for 2 hours. i've been emotional lately as i obsess over wanting a baby so badly it hurts. i can barely talk about it aloud without choking up and stopping myself before i have a breakdown. sitting in a room with 3 pregnant girls on tuesday was almost torture. yes, i'm happy for people, however, struggling with my internal unrest about not getting pregnant in my time. that's where my problem is...i KNOW God has this in control, and i'm okay with it about 10% of the time. God, i need more faith!!! today on the way to work He reminded me of His faithfulness in past situations--awesome family and friends, AMAZING husband, His grace, His provision, and on and on and on... anyway, i need to go before i throw myself a huge pity party. please pray for me:)
i don't think i've ever NOT wanted my period so badly. i actually almost cried today when "aunt flow" came to visit in walmart. not because of the cramps from hell either as i walked around with a client for 2 hours. i've been emotional lately as i obsess over wanting a baby so badly it hurts. i can barely talk about it aloud without choking up and stopping myself before i have a breakdown. sitting in a room with 3 pregnant girls on tuesday was almost torture. yes, i'm happy for people, however, struggling with my internal unrest about not getting pregnant in my time. that's where my problem is...i KNOW God has this in control, and i'm okay with it about 10% of the time. God, i need more faith!!! today on the way to work He reminded me of His faithfulness in past situations--awesome family and friends, AMAZING husband, His grace, His provision, and on and on and on... anyway, i need to go before i throw myself a huge pity party. please pray for me:)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
k-love friends and family cruise...thanks, grandma and grandpa manske, love you forever!!!
1)getting ready to leave Port of Miami
2)our home away from home...1st stop, Key West!
1)warm chocolate melting cake, YUM!
2)no explanation needed:)
we met Jeremy Camp and told him to come to Idaho sometime, very nice guy, plus, his wife's name is Adrienne...he and Conrad have good taste:)
1)just after snuba in Mexico
2)a cute little monkey in Playa del Carmen, it peed on pooh and careen, i was happy he was empty on me:)
1)waiting for mercyme to come on
2)every night we had an animal waiting for us
1)chillin' on the boat, last day at sea:(
2)Ft. Lauderdale beach soaking up some warm weather before returning to Idaho
this was what welcomed us back to SLC
we made so many amazing memories while on our vacation. it was a great getaway and a great step in the grieving process. i had tears rolling down my face as we were watching mercyme sing i can only imagine and it touched my heart to see my adorable dad getting as close as he could to the stages and just soaking in the music. grandma and grandpa were smiling on us, i just know it:)
1)getting ready to leave Port of Miami
2)our home away from home...1st stop, Key West!
1)warm chocolate melting cake, YUM!
2)no explanation needed:)
we met Jeremy Camp and told him to come to Idaho sometime, very nice guy, plus, his wife's name is Adrienne...he and Conrad have good taste:)
1)just after snuba in Mexico
2)a cute little monkey in Playa del Carmen, it peed on pooh and careen, i was happy he was empty on me:)
1)waiting for mercyme to come on
2)every night we had an animal waiting for us
1)chillin' on the boat, last day at sea:(
2)Ft. Lauderdale beach soaking up some warm weather before returning to Idaho
this was what welcomed us back to SLC
we made so many amazing memories while on our vacation. it was a great getaway and a great step in the grieving process. i had tears rolling down my face as we were watching mercyme sing i can only imagine and it touched my heart to see my adorable dad getting as close as he could to the stages and just soaking in the music. grandma and grandpa were smiling on us, i just know it:)
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