a lot on my mind...
here's post #2 in one day...lucky you! i have had a lot on my mind lately and need to get some of it out, so you, if you choose to receive it, will be the recipients of my babble. so, my last day at work is coming up...dec. 4th. i've been looking forward to this day, but this weekend there had been a constant battle in my head about my decision. am i being selfish for not wanting to keep working?? should i at least work till i'm substantially pregnant?? have i done all God meant for me to do there?? what is conrad's family thinking about my decision?? should we have gone forward with buying this new house when we can live in the one we're in for free (strings attached, so not really "free")?? etc. etc. etc. conrad is great. last night when i told him my thoughts he said, "haven't we already made this decision?" i wish my mind was so cut and dry. i often wonder if we heard God wrong when he told us november was my month to be done working and to go ahead with the house. i hate second-guessing these things. it's driving me batty!!! i keep thinking i can keep working cuz i haven't told my clients yet and my boss would love to have me stay. but i don't want to undermine God and His plans. i try to focus on the pros--more time with conrad, not commuting in winter, God telling me "this is going to be our time", God blessing the wheat market wich would be excellent financially which would blow us away with blessing, etc. but the cons are blaring and i'm struggle to escape them. no paycheck every 2 weeks, identity as a "social worker" career woman dying, conrad's family looking at me in disdain, etc. etc. conrad tells me not to worry about what his family thinks "it's not their decision" but it's hard. especially with his sister and husband home. she just grills conrad about how we're going to buy the house. it's come up "why doesn't adriane help on the farm more?" his family doesn't really go by God's plans, which has left an emptiness in identity, unhappiness in marriages, and on and on. i just realize how much conrad and i are "aliens" in a sense even in his family's world, even though they call themselves christians. i have little in common with them, esp. his immediate family and after we hang out run through conversations over and over in my head about things i should have said. God, help me to be bold when i need to be!!! i could go on and on, i guarantee you, but i will let you all off the hook now:) please pray for peace. i know God's plans are better than my own, even though it's hard to trust at times. i keep thinking...if we had our way, we'd have a baby right now or soon. how long are we going to have to wait? when is our relationship with his family going to improve...is it?? there are things that make me want to cut all ties except for holidays/b-days. i hate feeling like this...sometimes i very much dislike what's going on in my head...about time for me to read battlefield of the mind by joyce meyer. this has got to stop. okay, i'm done. for now.