a little piece of what's going on in my head...
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.