a few hours of trauma...
i had a good weekend except for a few hours. friday night, gracie wouldn't come in and we didn't know where she was. we finally got jack out of the tree after 15 minutes of calling for him and him responding with whiny, scared meows. i went to bed, sure that i'd wake up to gracie meowing at the front door wanting to come in. when i had to pee at 5:45 saturday morning (grr!) the first thing i thought was gracie never came home last night and told conrad (since he was incoherent when i got into bed the night before). i started crying and he said he couldn't sleep anymore thinking about her. so we went out searching. i bawled the whole time. i was thinking i should've got her in sooner than i did, etc., etc. conrad said maybe an owl got her. 5 minutes later we saw an owl swoop into a tree. huge owl!! i yelled at it "i hate you!" as if it could understand me. it's amazing how attached you get to a pet in just a short time. conrad and i sat in the living room for awhile. jack was meowing at the door. conrad went out to see him and said, "sorry about your sister, jack". he's so sweet with the kittens. can't imagine what he'll be like with our baby-amazingly adorable, i'm sure. he finally had to go so i went on a long walk. when i got back, i held jack. he doesn't usually like to be held, but was like my shadow. when i was watering the garden, i turned for no apparent reason and gracie was running toward me with her tail about 3 inches in diameter! i've never been so happy to see her face!! i started bawling again as i held her close and called conrad. he was very happy. this was about 9:30, and i was ready for some breakfast. after i poured my cereal, i saw something coming from the dining room. why's there a bird in the house? then i realized it was a bat....coming straight for me. it chased me out of the kitchen, i grabbed my phone (screaming all the while...if you can imagine that), and went outside to call conrad...crying hysterically. long story made a little shorter...we couldn't find it but it surfaced again when i was alone so i called my knight in shining armor again and he came and flushed it down the toilet. sigh what would i do without him? better get going to pilates, but thank God gracie's back and the bat's gone. my emotions took a toll on me...especially since i was sleep deprived to begin with.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
a lovely drive...
on monday, i took the day off to spend it with conrad's family, since it was ranae and josh's last day in AF. one of their family traditions on the 4th is to go on a drive. last year, we went on the back roads to where conrad's grandma's parents settled and where she grew up. it was very interesting. ranae missed it last year, so that was the one thing she wanted to do for sure during their short visit. we took the back roads to malta and then decided to head up the pomerelle mountain. i've never seen it without snow! it was absolutely beautiful. i was glad i'd thrown my camera in my purse before we left. there's a few lakes up there and there's still some snow!! i can't wait to go up there again.
Lake Cleveland
just after RaNae almost fell in while she was sitting on that log behind us and I saved her (after screaming bloody murder (i know you can't imagine that:) the water was freezing cold!)
Horse Thief Lake 
Pomerelle
on monday, i took the day off to spend it with conrad's family, since it was ranae and josh's last day in AF. one of their family traditions on the 4th is to go on a drive. last year, we went on the back roads to where conrad's grandma's parents settled and where she grew up. it was very interesting. ranae missed it last year, so that was the one thing she wanted to do for sure during their short visit. we took the back roads to malta and then decided to head up the pomerelle mountain. i've never seen it without snow! it was absolutely beautiful. i was glad i'd thrown my camera in my purse before we left. there's a few lakes up there and there's still some snow!! i can't wait to go up there again.
Lake Cleveland
just after RaNae almost fell in while she was sitting on that log behind us and I saved her (after screaming bloody murder (i know you can't imagine that:) the water was freezing cold!)
Horse Thief Lake 
Pomerelle
Monday, June 30, 2008
how does your garden grow???
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
99% sure...
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)
Thursday, June 05, 2008
big decision...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...
Monday, June 02, 2008
lessons for my clients...
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!
Sunday, June 01, 2008
a little piece of what's going on in my head...
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
i'll take the earrings...
since i got a $10 gift certificate to jcpenney for mother's day in the mail that expired today, i thought i'd head over after fawn's graduation party. i was excited to put my bargain shopping to work and had three separate trips to the dressing room with 5-10 items each time. junior's stuff is too small, especially the place where they expect your boobs to fit. one brand in the young women's doesn't carry my size, or else i would've bought like 5 different shirts. the dresses were way cute but i needed a 2nd opinion and talked myself out of this adorable dress because how often am i really going to wear it? and does it look too maternity (which, sadly enough i don't need yet) with the way the fabric doesn't flow? (i might just go get it anyway tomorrow...and pray the clearance price goes down more...) i was sweating my butt off cuz the dressing rooms were 85 degrees and my hair was all static-y from the shirts coming on and off. i probably lapped the store 3 times, no exaggeration. i ended up buying a pair of earrings.
since i got a $10 gift certificate to jcpenney for mother's day in the mail that expired today, i thought i'd head over after fawn's graduation party. i was excited to put my bargain shopping to work and had three separate trips to the dressing room with 5-10 items each time. junior's stuff is too small, especially the place where they expect your boobs to fit. one brand in the young women's doesn't carry my size, or else i would've bought like 5 different shirts. the dresses were way cute but i needed a 2nd opinion and talked myself out of this adorable dress because how often am i really going to wear it? and does it look too maternity (which, sadly enough i don't need yet) with the way the fabric doesn't flow? (i might just go get it anyway tomorrow...and pray the clearance price goes down more...) i was sweating my butt off cuz the dressing rooms were 85 degrees and my hair was all static-y from the shirts coming on and off. i probably lapped the store 3 times, no exaggeration. i ended up buying a pair of earrings.
Monday, May 05, 2008
rollercoaster...
so before you start diagnosing me...:) i sometimes do this to myself, but then remember that i need to NOT do that because it's not who i am. i just read an email from a close friend and between reading that (at work...naughty) and my own contemplations last night as i talked with conrad, i'm getting more insight. i didn't cry on the way to work today, already better than last monday! i know we all go through rollercoaster emotions and i think a lot of mine lately has to do with longing for a new season in my life--motherhood. everytime it doesn't happen i get all sorts of messed up. i'm no longer content with my job (did i mention i'm writing this at work?) and in my mind i think, wouldn't it just be more simple to quit because i'm pregnant rather than explain burnout to my boss, clients, in-laws? and no, this is NOT the reason i want a baby. i'm just ready to NOT be a careerwoman. it's never what i wanted. a former co-worker offered to email me about new jobs he hears about with the state and i was tempted, but that's not what i want. i want to see conrad more and i want to be a mom. God, help me as i deal with the burnout and the waiting!!! and God bless those who read this blog and my rantings and ravings!!!
so before you start diagnosing me...:) i sometimes do this to myself, but then remember that i need to NOT do that because it's not who i am. i just read an email from a close friend and between reading that (at work...naughty) and my own contemplations last night as i talked with conrad, i'm getting more insight. i didn't cry on the way to work today, already better than last monday! i know we all go through rollercoaster emotions and i think a lot of mine lately has to do with longing for a new season in my life--motherhood. everytime it doesn't happen i get all sorts of messed up. i'm no longer content with my job (did i mention i'm writing this at work?) and in my mind i think, wouldn't it just be more simple to quit because i'm pregnant rather than explain burnout to my boss, clients, in-laws? and no, this is NOT the reason i want a baby. i'm just ready to NOT be a careerwoman. it's never what i wanted. a former co-worker offered to email me about new jobs he hears about with the state and i was tempted, but that's not what i want. i want to see conrad more and i want to be a mom. God, help me as i deal with the burnout and the waiting!!! and God bless those who read this blog and my rantings and ravings!!!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
in my head...
i have lots of things spinning around in my head. no, i'm not going to write them all down. it may seem as though i do give a lot of info on my blog, maybe more than some, but there are some things that i think that will never be written. thank God for conrad. and thank God for God. i don't always know how to deal with such thoughts. i pray a lot but i struggle with seeing it totally work. which leads me to the message at church today, or at least a small part of what i got out of it. God is allowing this "storm" to build my faith and trust in Him. i know this, but i just want to add that storms suck. i know i'll come out at the other side but i always pray that i'll have the strength to endure the struggle. if i hadn't had a birthday party today i would've stayed at home in bed. i guess God wanted me to get out and go to church, even if i can barely say the words during worship. i know the things that rod shares about God and out of the Bible, but any ideas how to make them a part of me...more than just head knowledge?? i'm sick of crying all the time. i'm sick of beating myself up. i'm sick of not being content and happy. i'm sick of being surface-level. like i asked before...any ideas? i'm beginning to feel like a client and am going back and forth between "publish post" and the delete key...
i have lots of things spinning around in my head. no, i'm not going to write them all down. it may seem as though i do give a lot of info on my blog, maybe more than some, but there are some things that i think that will never be written. thank God for conrad. and thank God for God. i don't always know how to deal with such thoughts. i pray a lot but i struggle with seeing it totally work. which leads me to the message at church today, or at least a small part of what i got out of it. God is allowing this "storm" to build my faith and trust in Him. i know this, but i just want to add that storms suck. i know i'll come out at the other side but i always pray that i'll have the strength to endure the struggle. if i hadn't had a birthday party today i would've stayed at home in bed. i guess God wanted me to get out and go to church, even if i can barely say the words during worship. i know the things that rod shares about God and out of the Bible, but any ideas how to make them a part of me...more than just head knowledge?? i'm sick of crying all the time. i'm sick of beating myself up. i'm sick of not being content and happy. i'm sick of being surface-level. like i asked before...any ideas? i'm beginning to feel like a client and am going back and forth between "publish post" and the delete key...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
a good couple of days...
after my self-proclaimed pity parties i've been having i thought i'd write some positive things down. mostly a reminder for MYSELF. i just got back from volunteering at the Idaho Food Bank. the person in charge seems like a great person and i'll have to say that it feels like a great accomplishment when you see the progress made in 2 hours. i am grateful that i have the ability to buy the food i want, the brands i want, and more than enough food. i am grateful to the people who help those who can't afford enough food for their families. i asked how the feeding the 5,000 went and roy said, "great! we got over 11,000 pounds of food and over $12,000." isn't that awesome!! all this to say, it's nice to focus on someone besides myself. especially right now. i'll probably go back sometime just because i can and it's good to help out the community where one can.
i got to catch up with an old friend yesterday. old in the sense that 1)we've been friends for close to 2 DECADES!! and 2) she's older than me (wink wink anjo), though only by 1 yr. and 2 months. we had a great time catching up...laughter, tears, the whole bit. she called me right after i got her b-day package and was going to call her. great minds think alike!! i think it's great that two people can have such a history and value your friendship, andrea, so much. can i just say, too, that i LOVE all my friends. God has blessed me with the absolute greatest friends ever. sometimes i can't believe it and don't even know if i deserve them all!!! God is so good to me. well, it's about time for bed so i can wake up and go to spinning and abs at 5:45. pretty excited!! thank you to all who read my blog and care about me:)
after my self-proclaimed pity parties i've been having i thought i'd write some positive things down. mostly a reminder for MYSELF. i just got back from volunteering at the Idaho Food Bank. the person in charge seems like a great person and i'll have to say that it feels like a great accomplishment when you see the progress made in 2 hours. i am grateful that i have the ability to buy the food i want, the brands i want, and more than enough food. i am grateful to the people who help those who can't afford enough food for their families. i asked how the feeding the 5,000 went and roy said, "great! we got over 11,000 pounds of food and over $12,000." isn't that awesome!! all this to say, it's nice to focus on someone besides myself. especially right now. i'll probably go back sometime just because i can and it's good to help out the community where one can.
i got to catch up with an old friend yesterday. old in the sense that 1)we've been friends for close to 2 DECADES!! and 2) she's older than me (wink wink anjo), though only by 1 yr. and 2 months. we had a great time catching up...laughter, tears, the whole bit. she called me right after i got her b-day package and was going to call her. great minds think alike!! i think it's great that two people can have such a history and value your friendship, andrea, so much. can i just say, too, that i LOVE all my friends. God has blessed me with the absolute greatest friends ever. sometimes i can't believe it and don't even know if i deserve them all!!! God is so good to me. well, it's about time for bed so i can wake up and go to spinning and abs at 5:45. pretty excited!! thank you to all who read my blog and care about me:)
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
where i've been...
haven't written for awhile, partly because i don't have a lot of access to the internet (i did try to blog and post pics from the farm last week and blogger was malfunctioning...i stopped trying after 3 failed attempts). mostly though, it's because i don't like where i've been and don't want to drag you all down with me. life continues to frustrate me. i don't really understand all that's happening, or not happening for that matter. i do know that i pray A LOT, more than i can ever remember praying before. and nothing. i feel like i'm in a cloud of depression. monday night at the newberry's was the first time in two months that i've felt like myself. the last time was when i went to SLC with susan, steph, and pooh. i don't know what the deal is, but when you think about it, please pray for me:)
i do have to say that i have the BEST husband ever. he's so patient with me and i thank God every day for him. small example: monday morning (before i found out i had a flat and he had to fill up my tire) when we said goodbye he said "i can't wait until you don't have to work anymore and don't have to commute anymore." sometimes the love he shows me seems more than i deserve, more than i could've imagined in a husband. we are both eager to start a new season of life where i'm home more and where there's a little isaak involved:) hopefully it'll happen soon.
haven't written for awhile, partly because i don't have a lot of access to the internet (i did try to blog and post pics from the farm last week and blogger was malfunctioning...i stopped trying after 3 failed attempts). mostly though, it's because i don't like where i've been and don't want to drag you all down with me. life continues to frustrate me. i don't really understand all that's happening, or not happening for that matter. i do know that i pray A LOT, more than i can ever remember praying before. and nothing. i feel like i'm in a cloud of depression. monday night at the newberry's was the first time in two months that i've felt like myself. the last time was when i went to SLC with susan, steph, and pooh. i don't know what the deal is, but when you think about it, please pray for me:)
i do have to say that i have the BEST husband ever. he's so patient with me and i thank God every day for him. small example: monday morning (before i found out i had a flat and he had to fill up my tire) when we said goodbye he said "i can't wait until you don't have to work anymore and don't have to commute anymore." sometimes the love he shows me seems more than i deserve, more than i could've imagined in a husband. we are both eager to start a new season of life where i'm home more and where there's a little isaak involved:) hopefully it'll happen soon.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
unwelcome visitor...
i don't think i've ever NOT wanted my period so badly. i actually almost cried today when "aunt flow" came to visit in walmart. not because of the cramps from hell either as i walked around with a client for 2 hours. i've been emotional lately as i obsess over wanting a baby so badly it hurts. i can barely talk about it aloud without choking up and stopping myself before i have a breakdown. sitting in a room with 3 pregnant girls on tuesday was almost torture. yes, i'm happy for people, however, struggling with my internal unrest about not getting pregnant in my time. that's where my problem is...i KNOW God has this in control, and i'm okay with it about 10% of the time. God, i need more faith!!! today on the way to work He reminded me of His faithfulness in past situations--awesome family and friends, AMAZING husband, His grace, His provision, and on and on and on... anyway, i need to go before i throw myself a huge pity party. please pray for me:)
i don't think i've ever NOT wanted my period so badly. i actually almost cried today when "aunt flow" came to visit in walmart. not because of the cramps from hell either as i walked around with a client for 2 hours. i've been emotional lately as i obsess over wanting a baby so badly it hurts. i can barely talk about it aloud without choking up and stopping myself before i have a breakdown. sitting in a room with 3 pregnant girls on tuesday was almost torture. yes, i'm happy for people, however, struggling with my internal unrest about not getting pregnant in my time. that's where my problem is...i KNOW God has this in control, and i'm okay with it about 10% of the time. God, i need more faith!!! today on the way to work He reminded me of His faithfulness in past situations--awesome family and friends, AMAZING husband, His grace, His provision, and on and on and on... anyway, i need to go before i throw myself a huge pity party. please pray for me:)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
k-love friends and family cruise...thanks, grandma and grandpa manske, love you forever!!!
1)getting ready to leave Port of Miami
2)our home away from home...1st stop, Key West!
1)warm chocolate melting cake, YUM!
2)no explanation needed:)
we met Jeremy Camp and told him to come to Idaho sometime, very nice guy, plus, his wife's name is Adrienne...he and Conrad have good taste:)
1)just after snuba in Mexico
2)a cute little monkey in Playa del Carmen, it peed on pooh and careen, i was happy he was empty on me:)
1)waiting for mercyme to come on
2)every night we had an animal waiting for us
1)chillin' on the boat, last day at sea:(
2)Ft. Lauderdale beach soaking up some warm weather before returning to Idaho
this was what welcomed us back to SLC
we made so many amazing memories while on our vacation. it was a great getaway and a great step in the grieving process. i had tears rolling down my face as we were watching mercyme sing i can only imagine and it touched my heart to see my adorable dad getting as close as he could to the stages and just soaking in the music. grandma and grandpa were smiling on us, i just know it:)
1)getting ready to leave Port of Miami
2)our home away from home...1st stop, Key West!
1)warm chocolate melting cake, YUM!
2)no explanation needed:)
we met Jeremy Camp and told him to come to Idaho sometime, very nice guy, plus, his wife's name is Adrienne...he and Conrad have good taste:)
1)just after snuba in Mexico
2)a cute little monkey in Playa del Carmen, it peed on pooh and careen, i was happy he was empty on me:)
1)waiting for mercyme to come on
2)every night we had an animal waiting for us
1)chillin' on the boat, last day at sea:(
2)Ft. Lauderdale beach soaking up some warm weather before returning to Idaho
this was what welcomed us back to SLC
we made so many amazing memories while on our vacation. it was a great getaway and a great step in the grieving process. i had tears rolling down my face as we were watching mercyme sing i can only imagine and it touched my heart to see my adorable dad getting as close as he could to the stages and just soaking in the music. grandma and grandpa were smiling on us, i just know it:)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
i think i missed my calling...
i'm back! well, back from burley...i get to be on the internet again before i go, yippee!! i just wanted to give an update about my recent trip for the farm bureau young farmers and ranchers conference. first, let me just reiterate (sp?) the fact that God has a sense of humor. go back 6 years, or even fewer...who would've though adriane would've gone to/enjoyed and young farmers and ranchers conference? yeah, well, it's part of my life now:) it's weird and funny though... anyway. we got to go on a tour of mccain's potato plant and got to see how they process potatoes into french fries. it's crazy how much goes into it. this plant provides fries for chili's as well as for RED ROBIN!!! there was one room that stunk sooooooooooo bad i couldn't breathe for fear of dry heaving. i felt bad, but i couldn't help it. everytime i thought i'm going to be strong and would breathe out my nose i quickly plugged my nose and gave my self a don't do it pep talk. overall, it was cool. then we went to gossner's cheese factory. honestly, it kind of made me rethink eating cheese. parts of the process grossed my out. like when he talked about injecting the molds of milk with bacteria and putting it in a warm environment to encourage growth. yuck. however, the good part about the factory was the fact they make ice cream. there's a woman who works four 12 hour days a week making ice cream. why can't i do that?!? we got a sample of ice cream at the end and it was AMAZING. they got 1st place in idaho for best ice cream last year. i would love to be an ice cream taster...where do i sign up for that???
i'm back! well, back from burley...i get to be on the internet again before i go, yippee!! i just wanted to give an update about my recent trip for the farm bureau young farmers and ranchers conference. first, let me just reiterate (sp?) the fact that God has a sense of humor. go back 6 years, or even fewer...who would've though adriane would've gone to/enjoyed and young farmers and ranchers conference? yeah, well, it's part of my life now:) it's weird and funny though... anyway. we got to go on a tour of mccain's potato plant and got to see how they process potatoes into french fries. it's crazy how much goes into it. this plant provides fries for chili's as well as for RED ROBIN!!! there was one room that stunk sooooooooooo bad i couldn't breathe for fear of dry heaving. i felt bad, but i couldn't help it. everytime i thought i'm going to be strong and would breathe out my nose i quickly plugged my nose and gave my self a don't do it pep talk. overall, it was cool. then we went to gossner's cheese factory. honestly, it kind of made me rethink eating cheese. parts of the process grossed my out. like when he talked about injecting the molds of milk with bacteria and putting it in a warm environment to encourage growth. yuck. however, the good part about the factory was the fact they make ice cream. there's a woman who works four 12 hour days a week making ice cream. why can't i do that?!? we got a sample of ice cream at the end and it was AMAZING. they got 1st place in idaho for best ice cream last year. i would love to be an ice cream taster...where do i sign up for that???
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
bon vonage...
the cruise is finally here (well, we leave sunday, but this is my last internet for 1 1/2 weeks). though it'll have some bittersweet moments because the reason we're going is because of the inheritance from my grandparents, it'll be fun to be WARM and hang out as a family. grandma and grandpa will be happy we're doing something fun. we'll actually be on the boat on the anniversary of grandpa's death (tuesday), and i think it's the perfect place to be. when mercyme sings "i can only imagine" there will definitely be some strong emotions, but i'm okay with that. i think it'll help with the grieving process for all of us. i will definitely have some stories when i get back and lots of pics that i'll post on myspace. hope you all stay warm and cozy...i'll try and soak up some sun for you:)
the cruise is finally here (well, we leave sunday, but this is my last internet for 1 1/2 weeks). though it'll have some bittersweet moments because the reason we're going is because of the inheritance from my grandparents, it'll be fun to be WARM and hang out as a family. grandma and grandpa will be happy we're doing something fun. we'll actually be on the boat on the anniversary of grandpa's death (tuesday), and i think it's the perfect place to be. when mercyme sings "i can only imagine" there will definitely be some strong emotions, but i'm okay with that. i think it'll help with the grieving process for all of us. i will definitely have some stories when i get back and lots of pics that i'll post on myspace. hope you all stay warm and cozy...i'll try and soak up some sun for you:)
Sunday, January 13, 2008
my favorite specimen...
conrad is my favorite specimen. yes, that's a weird thing to call your hubby, i know, but let me explain. the whole freak-out thing with the possible tumor, etc., turned out to be a false alarm. in a nutshell-----the doctor says that though he's never seen it in all his years of practice, the abnormality is normal for conrad. no, this doesn't mean he's going to pay the MRI bill (darnit!), however, he does want to take more pics of conrad's eyes so he can use them educationally with others who specialize in eyes. therefore, conrad has become a specimen. what an endearing term:) thanks for your prayers... now it's time to go spend the rest of my sunday afternoon with my favorite specimen:)
conrad is my favorite specimen. yes, that's a weird thing to call your hubby, i know, but let me explain. the whole freak-out thing with the possible tumor, etc., turned out to be a false alarm. in a nutshell-----the doctor says that though he's never seen it in all his years of practice, the abnormality is normal for conrad. no, this doesn't mean he's going to pay the MRI bill (darnit!), however, he does want to take more pics of conrad's eyes so he can use them educationally with others who specialize in eyes. therefore, conrad has become a specimen. what an endearing term:) thanks for your prayers... now it's time to go spend the rest of my sunday afternoon with my favorite specimen:)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
crazy day...
i keep thinking, i need to blog about this, or that, or something else but have been lazy, and i also attribute my lack of participation to no internet at my house. i am behind in the times!! anyway...this is blog-worthy and i am staying at my parents' tonight so i can take mom to follow-up visit in salt lake city tomorrow so i have access to the internet.
so it started out a normal day (don't they all?). i went to spinning before work and got to work at 8, expecting to leave around 4:30 and head to the chiro and then to pilates. conrad came to poky to do some errands, meet rod for lunch, and go to dentist and eye doctor. this is where the fun started. i got a call during the day from him and tried to call him back a few times. when we finally talked to each other, he told me that the walmart opto. made an emergency appointment with an opthamologist because "something doesn't look right". i wanted to go with him and gloria (my kindred-spirit co-worker) said "just go!" so i left and went to meet conrad at the hospital for the visit. in a nutshell, something looks "odd" for lack of a better term. the optical nerve is swollen, and he's worried because conrad's so young and "has a lot to lose" if something serious was wrong. the two doctors talked to us and wanted to get an MRI done. not tuesday morning when the imaging place had an opening, but TONIGHT! it's so crazy. he says it could just be how conrad was made (conrad hasn't been to eye doctor in probably 7-8 years, so this "odd-ness" could be normal for him...), or worst case-a tumor. okay, that's a scary word. we left that office to go eat at subway before our MRI appt. while we were eating, we started discussing the "worst case scenario". conrad says, "well, i can't die, or all the prophecies we got on sunday night were a lie." so matter of fact, my man is:) we got some amazing words spoken over us by darren lindley and the team, and i'm thinking that God wasn't lying!!! so we head to the MRI (yes, i bawled in subway before we left...public crying is NOT my favorite thing.). the secretary was mean. but the tech was nice. my dad came and sat with me for about the last 20 minutes while conrad was in there. he's so thoughtful like that...i didn't even know he was coming...just looked up from my fitness mag and he walked in carrying a powerade option to hydrate me:) the good news--they didn't see anything worth calling the on-call radiologist about and it will be looked at tomorrow a.m. please pray that we get more good news. i'd rather spend a lot of money on a "nothing to worry about" diagnosis than actually have something be wrong. i'm so in love with conrad and am so joyful everyday knowing i get to share my life with such an amazing man:) God totally blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
i keep thinking, i need to blog about this, or that, or something else but have been lazy, and i also attribute my lack of participation to no internet at my house. i am behind in the times!! anyway...this is blog-worthy and i am staying at my parents' tonight so i can take mom to follow-up visit in salt lake city tomorrow so i have access to the internet.
so it started out a normal day (don't they all?). i went to spinning before work and got to work at 8, expecting to leave around 4:30 and head to the chiro and then to pilates. conrad came to poky to do some errands, meet rod for lunch, and go to dentist and eye doctor. this is where the fun started. i got a call during the day from him and tried to call him back a few times. when we finally talked to each other, he told me that the walmart opto. made an emergency appointment with an opthamologist because "something doesn't look right". i wanted to go with him and gloria (my kindred-spirit co-worker) said "just go!" so i left and went to meet conrad at the hospital for the visit. in a nutshell, something looks "odd" for lack of a better term. the optical nerve is swollen, and he's worried because conrad's so young and "has a lot to lose" if something serious was wrong. the two doctors talked to us and wanted to get an MRI done. not tuesday morning when the imaging place had an opening, but TONIGHT! it's so crazy. he says it could just be how conrad was made (conrad hasn't been to eye doctor in probably 7-8 years, so this "odd-ness" could be normal for him...), or worst case-a tumor. okay, that's a scary word. we left that office to go eat at subway before our MRI appt. while we were eating, we started discussing the "worst case scenario". conrad says, "well, i can't die, or all the prophecies we got on sunday night were a lie." so matter of fact, my man is:) we got some amazing words spoken over us by darren lindley and the team, and i'm thinking that God wasn't lying!!! so we head to the MRI (yes, i bawled in subway before we left...public crying is NOT my favorite thing.). the secretary was mean. but the tech was nice. my dad came and sat with me for about the last 20 minutes while conrad was in there. he's so thoughtful like that...i didn't even know he was coming...just looked up from my fitness mag and he walked in carrying a powerade option to hydrate me:) the good news--they didn't see anything worth calling the on-call radiologist about and it will be looked at tomorrow a.m. please pray that we get more good news. i'd rather spend a lot of money on a "nothing to worry about" diagnosis than actually have something be wrong. i'm so in love with conrad and am so joyful everyday knowing i get to share my life with such an amazing man:) God totally blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.
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