10 Years Ago...

...four girls left their parents' homes in Idaho and Wyoming and moved into the dorms on the campus of Idaho State University. Through different classes and friends of friends, they became closer friends and, at a few points in time, roommates. We've all since graduated and gone our separate ways. You know those people that you can go for years without seeing and still pick up right where you left off? These are a few of those people in my life. We haven't had a dull moment yet!

I wasn't sure we'd have internet but we are stealing some Wi-Fi, so I'll update you on the last few days' events. That way, it's not a novel when I get home:)

First and foremost, it has been SO relaxing and refreshing. Mapquest said the drive would be around 9 hours 44 minutes (to be exact), but we took around 12 hours because we ate at a cute little diner called Linda's in Biggs, OR, and stopped at Multnomah Falls to take in the beauty. It was super rainy, so we didn't spend as much time there as we'd hoped. We're hoping Sunday is nicer so we can take more pictures and do the mile long hike...we were soaked after the .2 mile hike (can you say "wet jeans" for the next 4 hours of our trip??). We also stopped at Trader Joe's in Corvalis, per my request. Mostly I love their reusable bags and yummy treats (i.e. chocolate covered toffee, etc.). If it's natural, it's healthy, right? Just kidding.

When we pulled up to our little beach cottage, we were speechless. I think I broke the silence first with my excited babble. My gals have been so good about my babble...I just CAN'T get over the beauty. Our cottage is right on the beach and we can hear the waves crashing all night. It started raining after we were unpacked and we stayed in for the night, eating good dinner, dessert, and erupting into lots of laughter.

Today we were out of here by 10 and headed South. We stopped at a lighthouse and it just so happened that've Velva was ready to give a tour. It was beautiful, and she clearly loves her job...adding her own personality to the tour protocol. We ran down the Pacific Coast Highway from one scenic pullout to the next because we thought it'd provide better photo ops. Look at us, all daring and reckless at our ripe ol' age of 28:)

Next stop, Sea Lion Caves. World's largest, at that. It was pretty cool. It was hard to get good pictures because they do keep you a little bit of a distance away, and though I love my point and shoot, I would've enjoyed a longer lens. We were close enough to see with our bare eyes, however, the different personalities and different body types, etc. I took a video of them to see if I could get anything worth keeping. It mostly turned out blurry and slightly awkward...they bellar like cows and squeal every once and a while.

We stopped in Florence and ate lunch at the Hot Rod Cafe. Now this was an experience. Despite Fawn's hesitance, she let us sit in an acual hot rod convertible while we ate (there were only 2 in the whole diner...this was a privilege). We had to open the doors to get into the booth and everything. It was very funny and everyone who walked by to go to the bathroom just stared and grinned at us.

After picking up a few groceries, we headed back to our cottage for some R & R. I took a nap--I was tired, and perhaps a little grumpy? I felt like a new woman when I woke up and we had a crafty time, where Jeannie taught us how to make hair clip flowers and use all her fixin's. I think I am now addicted. I love being crafty!! Tomorrow we plan on heading North, up toward Newport, after spending the morning walking the beach and maybe doing a few more crafts. I will probably write more tomorrow. Hopefully the day will move slowly...we all knew it'd be a quick trip, but wanted to make it happen.

Thank you, God, for this time of refreshing and enjoying your beauty!! And, thank you for a beautiful, sunny day in Oregon!! You are awesome.

Girls Weekend Away!!

I am going to the Oregon coast this weekend with 3 college friends...we've known each other for 10 years now...I'm feeling OLD!!

We are staying in a beach house (cottage, as the website calls it), and will be touring around the coast for a few days. It'll be a quick trip, I'm afraid (two 1/2 whole days at the house), but it will be great to catch up with some of my fav girls. This little vaca couldn't come at a better time...I'm feeling blah with all the continual infertility emotions; up and down, up and down, repeat a million times.

Please pray for safe travels and a refreshing time of fellowship with my girlfriends. I will post some pictures when I get home:)

SIL's Wisdom

A few days after my birthday, SIL and I finally caught up with each other to chat over the phone. You might remember that we spent some time together in October and I spilled the beans about our struggle with TTC. We spent time at Christmas together, and also in Tucson in February, and nothing ever came up about the whole infertility thing. But, I knew that she'd probably (99.9% sure) tell her mom and dad, as well as her uncle and grandma minutes after I first talked to her about it in October (she shares everything about everyone else with her family). I kept waiting for something to come up from any of these family members, but nothing ever has.

However, six months after first talking about it, she brought it up again. I'm sure the family is *dying* to know what's going on with us (and of course they won't ask us to our face...)! After the typical surface-level "how are you?" "fine, how are you?" etc., she jumped into, "haven't you been going to the doctor for some stuff?" So, what did I do? I laid it on thick! Told her about the painful IUIs (which I didn't really want to go into detail about the process...told her to *google* it), the money constraints, etc. The reason for the "thickness" is due to the fact that it's hard to get a person who chooses their career over their marriage or having children to truly understand the pain that has gone into our journey. She is somewhat condescending in her responses, and some of that shows the fact that she hears info., but doesn't really hear the feelings that are behind what's being said. She said the usual comments a naive person may say to an infertile, "it will happen" (gag me), "what about adoption?", "have you thought about a surrogate?" (is she gonna give us the $60,000 for that?!), etc. And, no, she doesn't know about my blog:) In fact, while we were in Tucson, she made it clear that she thinks FB and blogging are dumb...point taken.

Overall, I am so happy with the support that Conrad and I do have on this journey. Sometimes it'd be nice to know his family is behind us though...emotionally, and maybe even financially. I guess I will take what I can get...which at this point, consists of lots of AMAZING and UNDERSTANDING friends and my family.

Trusting in God's Perfect Timing

"He is never late..." I've heard it a million times. I know it in my head, but how do I instill that into the deepest part of my heart? If I had the answer, I'd be a millionaire:) Just kidding, I know that God can do it. In fact, He did do it--at a high price--when He sent His son to take the weight of the world on himself. The positive consequences, namely peace and healing, are what I need to focus on more in my thoughts concerning inferility.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

I'm sure it would help if I spent more time with Him...in His word, in worship, in prayer, and in silence. I read others' insights into God being a part of their infertility journey, and while it speaks deeply to me and to my faith, I feel like I am lacking wisdom and faith and peace in my own journey. Sure, there are moments of intense peace, or faith, or even joy, but I could sure use more.

Now that my co-worker told our manager about her pregnancy, it's all out in the open...baby talk, that is. She had her first appointment today, and in my head I kept thinking I have to hear this for 7-8 more months...God help me. I know God will grant me grace...He has through the other million pregnancies going on around me.

A few Sundays ago, as I was admiring a friend's ADORABLE newborn at church, a woman "L" passed and after looking over at the baby, looked at me and said, "you're next." I responded, "I hope so." I appreciate her faith. Normally, I would've shrugged this comment off (about 2 years ago, a woman at church who knew of our struggle said to me, "there will be a baby within the year," and look where that ended up). However, "L" is one that has walked this lonely journey of unfulfillment. The doctors told her and her husband that they would never have biological children. She and her mother did not take "no" for an answer and faithfully pursued God in prayer. I've had her mom pray for Conrad and me a couple of times, and it's great to have her insight as a mother of someone who's dreams of a child have come to fruition. "L" told me after her "you're next" comment that she had prayed so hard for her first child. After having her son, she didn't feel like her family was complete. Because of the emotional struggle of TTC baby #1, her husband was reluctant to jump in again for #2. Six years later...a beautiful daughter blessed their life. There's something about hearing other infertile's share their stories of blessing that keeps me pushing on, even when the going gets tough.

God knows my hopes and dreams of being a mommy. He knows just the right time to fulfill that dream. I do believe that, and I will push on.

And....Another Visit

Awesome. As if one time this month were not enough, AF decided to stop by again on day 18, just to rub it in that she can. Here I thought I had just gotten over "prime time" and had progressed into the 2 week wait. What is happening inside my body??? I don't know, but not what needs to be happening for the result I want! My cycle has been by the book for 3 1/2 years, minus the 2 or 3 times I started a few days late. So, I was quite surprised to find the discomfort I felt on Sunday afternoon/evening was in preparation for AF's visit. I thought it was aches and gas pains from all the eating out I've been doing for my two-week birthday celebration!, because surely AF would not be coming around for at least 10 more days. Just make yourself at home, why don't you? Stop by whenever you like, mi casa es su casa, etc., etc. Grrrr. I wish I knew what all this meant but instead, I'll try and take it in stride...and chase it with 600mg of ibuprofen so I can sleep pain-free tonight.

Quote of the Day

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

Birthday Celebration at Work

Have I told you lately that I love my co-workers? I work with 4 of the sweetest, funniest girls at the credit union. We all laugh a lot, and one will belt out songs with me (whether they're playing on the radio or we're doing a cappella). Today we celebrated my birthday since we're all their on Fridays. We got lunch from a local bar & grill, which has the best sandwich EVER. I'd try to describe it, but I will not do it justice. My manager made a delicious chocolate-mint bundt cake; dense chocolate cake marbled with cream-cheese mint filling, draped with hard chocolate shell, and drizzled with mint/whipped topping yumminess. The girls were so sweet and got me a *scentsy* warmer with some scent nuggets. I have been behind the times and haven't bought one yet...just couldn't justify it, even though I wanted one. They are so thoughtful, as are all of my friends. I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, GOD HAS TOTALLY BLESSED ME WITH THE PEOPLE HE'S PUT IN MY LIFE. On a dumb note, my drawer was short $ tonight...not my favorite way to start my birthday weekend:( If you get a second, would you say a little prayer that I can find the offage on Monday (even though 3 of us went through all my work/counted my drawer). I haven't been off in as long as I can remember, and I'm guessing I gave someone a "bonus" and hoping they'll be honest.

Birthday Pedi:)

Yesterday, a close friend surprised me with taking me for a pedicure for my birthday (which is Sunday). I don't think I've had one in 6-7 years, and it was AMAZING!! At first, I was wary because I have two warts on one foot. Sidenote: I was embarassed at first to say I had warts, but I'll tell you everything about TTC:) Anyway, I *googled* "warts and pedis" and it seemed that it wasn't a big deal. Plus, I'm sure they've seen worse feet, like so:


We went to a little Asian place, and had some young Vietnamese men pampering us. Since they massaged up to my kneecaps, I was glad I'd shaved this month!


These aren't my feet, but this is the radiating joy they felt! Thanks, Anjo...You made my day!!!

Pregnancy Announcements

One day, I will have one. Until then, I will grin and bear it when people tell me they are expecting. On Monday, I heard 3 announcements...2 from married couples (who got pregnant with their first and this second one quickly, of course), and the third one was a 16-year-old girl who came into the credit union. What does a 16-year-old do when she's pregnant? Well, there are a few options, but in the Hispanic culture (have I mentioned that caucasians are the minority in my little town?), you get married. I don't know why people think that just because one's pregnant you have to get married. Seriously? I'm sure their relationship hasn't been built on the things that contribute to a healthy, fun, and even bearable marriage.

Today, my co-worker came into the vault (so my manager couldn't hear!) while I was filing and told me she's pregnant. She's been feeling "weird" for a little while, but has definitely not been TTC. In fact, she hasn't even told her significant other. He's gone half the month for work, so she's waiting till he gets home again, and she's not sure how he'll react (they already have a 6- and 15-year-old).

I'm not expecting everyone to put their baby-making on hold just for me. But, these announcements catch me off guard (esp. the teen and my co-worker), and I am thankful that my emotions are under a little bit more control than they've been in the past. I can't pretend that they don't affect me, because they do. I guess we'll see what God has in store for building my family. Conrad and I aren't done trying (that's for you, Michel), so to speak. But, no clomid, no IUIs, etc. for awhile. I'm kind of okay with it...just because it gets so draining emotionally and physically.