My Friend Lucas

I call him Lukie:) This amazing little boy and I have spent quite a bit of his life together, though not too much lately. I became friends with him mom when he was around four months old (he's now 22-months), and was instantly in love with his sweet disposition and his chubby little face. I babysat him A LOT last farming season (spring-fall 2009) because his dad would work for Conrad and his mom worked as a waitress at night. Lukie and I spent lots of nights playing together, me giving him a bath (he LOVES baths!), and then me rocking him to sleep. Precious moments.

Lately, I haven't seen him a whole lot because since last fall, his parents have separated and divorced. His mom now works days, so there isn't much need for me to watch him, even if his dad is working for Conrad. However, Conrad was in a pickle on Saturday, needing Lukie's dad desparately bad for some work on Sunday. I suggested that I take Lukie (and his 6 year old brother, though he ended up working with his dad and "Comrad") to church with me. I was so excited to get to spend some time with him. I hung out with him while I did nursery for Bible Study, then left him while I went to the service and the other workers were with him. When I went to get him, he ran to me with open arms and wanted to snuggle. Twist my arm. He was a bit over-stimulated by the crowds of people after church, so we headed to Goodwill with Steph and Pooh. He's such a good shopper, and I couldn't get enough of kissing his chubby little face. After the store, we went to eat with my mom. He was quick to get comfortable at my parents' house, and was being super cute. My mom was like, "it's fun to have a little one in the house." We both were getting a kick out of him. I ran a few more quick errands and headed back home. We spent more time at my house, playing inside and out, eating zucchini bread, and trying to get him to take a nap (to no avail). I introduced him to the cows in our front pasture and he was quite amused. He like touching my cats. No, not continuous petting, but just a quick, gentle touch and he's done until he wants another touch.

I also introduced him to my garden, and thought I'd give him some peas. He LOVED them!! At first, he was okay with me giving them to him one by one. Then he wanted to hold his own pod, after I'd opened it, of course. We sat on my front steps and it was so cute watching his chubby little fingers pluck the peas from the pod. He was so desparate for more when his pod was empty, and he'd get a little frustrated while waiting a few seconds for the next one. When he got done with one pod, he'd crumple it up in his hands, throw it in the dirt, and then clap. Then the process would start again. This kept us both quite entertained for at least 45 minutes and 2 refills. Here are a few cute pictures of my little guy friend.

Drama on the Homefront

Okay, so I'm trying to hold back from publishing on facebook, "super tired of the drama...God help us all!" That's how I feel though. Would you all please pray for my in-law family? With my SIL's marriage up in the air, things are tense, especially as the family is split in half as to whether or not they should get divorced. I wrote BIL on Facebook a few weeks ago because I was thinking about him because I'd eaten a meal from a restaurant here that he always talks about and loves, and asked what he's been up to (he has moved back to his parents'). One sentence to him. He wrote back a four-inch response, including his heart's cry to reconcile with my SIL. I'll spare the details, since it's all right there on the world wide web for everyone to see, but I wrote him back. I wrote nothing that I would not say to anyone's face. Conrad even read it and agreed that it was fine...all stuff that's been said before and will be said again. Fast-forward to today. Conrad told him dad this a.m that we'd written BIL and told him what I said. It wasn't a popular decision on my part, but his dad could't sat anything about me saying we were praying for their marriage, would love to see it restored, etc. But FIL must've talked to SIL at some point, and now he's come unglued! I just called Conrad like I always do on my lunch break and apparently it's been a drama-filled day.....stuff from months ago is coming up, I've spoken to the "enemy", etc., etc. AHHHHHHH!! SIL won't even talk to Conrad or me, besides responding 3 weeks later to a generic wall post I sent to her about possibly joining us for a concert. No one works things out in this family!! Okay, overgeneralization there...Conrad and I are pretty good at working things out most of the time. The others, however, circle around and around until things from a decade ago resurface.

All this to say...please pray for us. Conrad is stressed already because of harvest/getting things in the ground for next year, and family drama is the last thing he needs. We need wisdom in how to handle this family stuff...I don't want to back down from my stance on them not divorcing. There is no valid reason (no infidelity, no abuse), just selfishness that we all have to work out in our relationships. Thanks for your prayers!!

A Few Songs that Have Spoken to Me Lately

I've had Christian radio on a lot lately while I've been attempting wallpaper removal in my computer room. The wallpaper has been a thorn in my side, but I've heard one song A LOT, and though it's not usually one that I would normally say was my style, the words speak to me:

No Matter What
Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what
No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help
I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God, You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s ok if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You

Another song that isn't "new", but speaks to me is Jeremy Camp's line in Walk by Faith that says:

Help me to rid my envious fears, you've been so faithful for all these years.

There are many more songs that God's used to give me peace, and even some joy in the midst of life's current struggles. He also gives me reminders of His faithfulness. I am so thankful for His love, and for the supportive people He's put in my life. He has never left me or forsaken me, even the the midst of my psycho infertile lady moods. I can't scare Him away! Thank you, God, that you are faithful, and that you DO have a family for Conrad and I, even though we don't know when or how it will come to be. Thank you for strengthening us individually and in our marriage, as well as in our relationship with you.

GUESS WHAT?!?!

I'm not pregnant.

Feeling slightly sarcastic today I guess. After 3 pregnancy announcements on FB today, can you blame me? Thanks to some great prescription drugs, I don't weep every time I get another pregnancy announcement. However, I do get cynical, sarcastic, and wavering in my belief that a miracle is going to happen in my life. I know this isn't of God. He has something great in store, and I do feel like we're getting closer to being parents...most days.

And it's NOT that I am not happy for my friends. Every announcement came from someone in a committed, loving, healthy marriage, and I am excited for them. I know some people in the infertility world block their FB friends that are expecting, just so they don't have to see every baby-related update. Though the updates sting a little, I do like knowing what's going on in my friends' pregnancies, and plan on excitedly sharing my own pregnancy/baby updates someday. I wish I was preggo with you. So, if you are my friend and are preggo, know that I AM happy for you, and I LOVE you and your baby:)

Sorry about the super uncensored post tonight...the end of a looooooooooong Monday may not be the best time to write. Okay, so now I'll go nurse my pain with an ooey-gooey brownie I took from a little ladies' get-together I went to tonight. Is this why I've gained 20 pounds since starting TTC???

Foreigner

It was never on my list of 100 things, or even 1,000 things to do before I die, but Conrad was THRILLED when he heard Foreigner was coming to the EISF this year. Though it's a hard time to break away, Conrad was able to leave the farm for a few hours in order to head to the fair for the concert. Thanks to the rain, we got there earlier than originally thought. Good thing, since we had a funnel cake, tiger ear, curly fries, scone nuggets, etc. to eat before the concert. Don't worry, all the above items were shared between 3 or more people...and boy did they go down well:)


Did I mention that it was raining at the fair that day? Pouring, actually. Luckily, I had my raincoat and enough foresight to wear the boots I usually wear while doing yard work. We had tickets on the track, which meant standing in three inches of mud for the whole concert. It stopped raining ten minutes into the concert, which was very welcome, though the rain added to the experience and gave us stories to tell, like how Andrea lost both soles on her sexy black boots she'd worn.

Do you like Foreigner?? A few songs (that I've heard but didn't know the band that sang them) include; I wanna know what love is....I want you to show me...; I've been waiting...for a girl like you...to walk into my life...; Hot-blooded, check it see...I got a fever of a hundred and three... Oldies but goodies:) Conrad had a blast, and was singing every word to every song. I sang the few lines I knew here and there. It was a great show! I didn't get great pics of the band, though the one with Anjo, Pooh, and me has the band behind us if you look close...What a wet, muddy, fun night!!

Good News...Now it's Just Timing...

First of all, I want to say that I DO realize that my blog entries are like a roller coaster. That's just the way my mind works these days (weeks, months, years...):)

Secondly, the reason for this post...and I'll try not to babble too much:

Remember back with me to April when I posted about the painful HSG test I had done to check my fallopian tubes, and the disappointing/maddening/useless follow-up appointment with the doctor I was referred to for future IUI treatments. I knew what the x-ray had shown--I'm not blind--and all I wanted to know was if there was any way to tell which ovary was ovulating, since pregnancy obviously won't happen if it's the ovary connected to my blocked tube. In very few words, he said, "no." He basically just told me that we'd set a number of times to try IUI (4-6) before pursuing IVF. So this whole time, I'm thinking that if only there was a way to tell which ovary was ovulating, so as not to waste a precious $600 if it wasn't the right one, that would solve a lot of potential problems!! Let me enter a side-note here: After this doctor (Dr.C) gets me pregnant, I'm going back to the other OB...

Nurse T is Dr.C's nurse. Conrad and I know her and her husband because they live in our small community, are members of the CU I work at, and her husband is the manager of a local business that Conrad does a lot of farm business with. She just got back to work yesterday from maternity leave. Last week, Conrad stopped by to talk to her husband, and she was there with their new baby. After business talk, they started talking about babies, etc. She told him to have me call her when she gets back to work because she knows of something else that we can do, in addition to our plans already. I called her yesterday, and she told me that they can do an ultrasound to find out if the open-fallopian-tubed ovary is the one ovulating. My first thought was the cost of that, on top of the $600 some-odd for the clomid/IUI/etc. She said her's ranged right around $200. Not bad! This gave me A LOT of peace, because then I know that we won't do the IUI if I'm not ovulating at all, or not ovulating from the open side.

Today, Nurse T left a message on my phone after talking to Dr.C, saying she found out that they could use an ultrasound machine they have right in the office, so it'd be even cheaper! I am thankful for Nurse T, and for her looking after my case, so to speak. I know it's her job, but I also feel like she's gone above and beyond. If only I liked the doctor she worked for! I would love to become closer with her and her husband--she's my age, and her husband's a few years older than Conrad. They aren't Christians, but they aren't LDS (a miracle in my small community!), so I think there's potential for a good relationship and also sharing God with their family.

If you would all just pray that I will have wisdom about timing and that mine and Conrad's schedules would work out to be able to pursue the IUI treatments, I'd appreciate it. I feel hopeful that something will *happen* in the near future, and I'm thankful for God's peace.

Also, the grain crops are coming in, and they are amazing! Conrad is such a great example of excellence in his farming, and I love and respect that about him!! The prices are also good, so we just need a continuation of good crops/good prices, and money will cease to be as big of an obstacle as we pursue pregnancy.