bad monday...
so, i knew starting monday/the week off with a pap smear and breast exam weren't the greatest start, but i took the appointment at the health department so i could get it over with. i wasn't too nervous. no, they aren't my favorite pasttime, nor are the paper vests and paper blanket my idea of a comfy outfit, but i don't totally get freaked out or anything about the appointment. everything went normal as i filled out medical history and waited for the nurse. even the nurse's questions were the usual, as well as her invitation to get into the paper outfit and said she'd be back with the doctor. he started with the breast exam. did one, no problem. went to the other side, went back to the first side, and back to the other side and said "have you ever felt this before?" and put my finger tips where he was feeling something abnormal. yeah, there was a huge lump. "no, but i don't do self-exams or anything." he said, "i don't want to scare you, but let me go get my overseeing physician." tears welled up. i started crying as i told him my mom had breast cancer last year and my aunt the year before. he got the other doctor, and he came in and did the same thing. we talked options. i told him about mom/aunt. he said i had a depressed look in my eyes. i said, "yeah." duh. now we're talking options. i was going to ask about any help with prenatal planning, healthcare options, etc. instead, i'm planning options for what to do about the lump in my breast. go back in three months for another exam? see a general surgeon for their opinion/possible biopsy? mammogram? dr. rush said he didn't think it was something that he thought needed to be biopsied at this point. anyway. i get in the car after the hellish appointment and call conrad, bawling so hard i can barely talk. called my boss to tell her i couldn't come in today. drove to my parents and told my mom what was going on. now, i wait. what am i supposed to do? on the way to my parents' house, all i could say as i was hyperventilating/shaking/crying was "GOD!" over and over. i just got off the phone with the nurse and i'm not going to have a mammogram at this point. i continue to shake and fight emotion (freak-out). i know it could be this and that (cyst, growth, whatever), but the appointment was traumatizing, nonetheless. please pray for me, i desperately need God to do something--physically and emotionally. i don't know why all this crap is happening to us.