mad at God, then not...
so yesterday i got news that some friends of ours had experienced what i would call a tragedy. at first, i though, why, God????? why would you allow this?? then as i was praying for them through my tears, i was reminded that God was also grieving the loss of this precious baby and was heartbroken for the pain it was causing the couple. SATAN is the reason this happened. in a perfect world (before sin) this would not have happened. sometimes i ask God why? because He seems like the one i speak to most after i hear of these sorts of things. sometimes He's an easy scapegoat. i just need to remember that it's not His fault and that i shouldn't blame Him. this may seem elementary to some, but it's sort of an epiphany for a girl who's been asking why? a lot lately...
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
friendship...
so, last night i was jumping in to some more organization of my disorganized house. i found lots of things...i'll admit it, i'm a packrat. i love saving every card, note, movie ticket stub, etc. believe it or not, i found some notes from junior high and high school from some friends (majority from about 4 friends). can i just say that I AM SO GLAD THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!!! i love these people to death, and though i don't see them much anymore (some no contact whatsoever) i do appreciate the times we had and i do treasure those friendships. why i'm glad they're over is because things were so petty back then. reading through them, i was taken back to my feelings of when i was in 8th and 11th grade. it's crazy how those feelings come back. i found one that was a response to a nasty email i had written to a best friend--it made me sick to think i had written something so rude and hateful and this was my friend's reply back. other notes were talking about other girls--petty stuff, again, rude. if this was what my life was full of, no wonder i was depressed/suicidal for some of the time. i did find some happy ones encouraging me. i kept those. i'm getting rid of--burning, to be exact--the other notes. it's a part of my life that i don't need to have on paper. i will remember the good memories and not keep record of the bad. i hope you all don't have a bad view of me now. i know we all go through the rude stage. i see now that i've grown up. sometimes you need that reminder. i pray i can help my kids see how hurtful words can be--both to the person they're about and even worse to the person who speaks them.
i just have to say that i am SOOOOOOOOOO thankful for the friendships i have now. they're not always perfect, but i don't think friendship is supposed to be. but i am so blessed to have you all in my life, and i thank God daily for the awesome friends i have. i seriously think i'm the most blessed girl in the world:)
so, last night i was jumping in to some more organization of my disorganized house. i found lots of things...i'll admit it, i'm a packrat. i love saving every card, note, movie ticket stub, etc. believe it or not, i found some notes from junior high and high school from some friends (majority from about 4 friends). can i just say that I AM SO GLAD THOSE DAYS ARE OVER!!! i love these people to death, and though i don't see them much anymore (some no contact whatsoever) i do appreciate the times we had and i do treasure those friendships. why i'm glad they're over is because things were so petty back then. reading through them, i was taken back to my feelings of when i was in 8th and 11th grade. it's crazy how those feelings come back. i found one that was a response to a nasty email i had written to a best friend--it made me sick to think i had written something so rude and hateful and this was my friend's reply back. other notes were talking about other girls--petty stuff, again, rude. if this was what my life was full of, no wonder i was depressed/suicidal for some of the time. i did find some happy ones encouraging me. i kept those. i'm getting rid of--burning, to be exact--the other notes. it's a part of my life that i don't need to have on paper. i will remember the good memories and not keep record of the bad. i hope you all don't have a bad view of me now. i know we all go through the rude stage. i see now that i've grown up. sometimes you need that reminder. i pray i can help my kids see how hurtful words can be--both to the person they're about and even worse to the person who speaks them.
i just have to say that i am SOOOOOOOOOO thankful for the friendships i have now. they're not always perfect, but i don't think friendship is supposed to be. but i am so blessed to have you all in my life, and i thank God daily for the awesome friends i have. i seriously think i'm the most blessed girl in the world:)
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
happy thanksgiving!!!
well, my thanksgiving week turned into a fun one after pooh surprised me and came home. she was going to go to WA with a friend, but was feeling kinda homesick. we've spent a lot of time together. i miss sister time A LOT! there is definitely a void when she's up in moscow. i am looking forward to yummy food tomorrow at conrad's parents' house. should be a full house. my fam is coming too, so that's good. then pooh and i are going to be crazy and go shopping way early on friday. it's a tradition, and one i was sad when i thought i was going to have to give up this year if pooh wasn't home. maybe we'll see you at the FM sock sale, em! well, didn't have too much to say, just thought i'd write a little something. life is going better these days. about the whole boob thing...i decided some people just shouldn't be doctors. i'm probably just going to go back for a check in january. thanks for praying. hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving!!!
well, my thanksgiving week turned into a fun one after pooh surprised me and came home. she was going to go to WA with a friend, but was feeling kinda homesick. we've spent a lot of time together. i miss sister time A LOT! there is definitely a void when she's up in moscow. i am looking forward to yummy food tomorrow at conrad's parents' house. should be a full house. my fam is coming too, so that's good. then pooh and i are going to be crazy and go shopping way early on friday. it's a tradition, and one i was sad when i thought i was going to have to give up this year if pooh wasn't home. maybe we'll see you at the FM sock sale, em! well, didn't have too much to say, just thought i'd write a little something. life is going better these days. about the whole boob thing...i decided some people just shouldn't be doctors. i'm probably just going to go back for a check in january. thanks for praying. hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving!!!
Monday, November 06, 2006
bad monday...
so, i knew starting monday/the week off with a pap smear and breast exam weren't the greatest start, but i took the appointment at the health department so i could get it over with. i wasn't too nervous. no, they aren't my favorite pasttime, nor are the paper vests and paper blanket my idea of a comfy outfit, but i don't totally get freaked out or anything about the appointment. everything went normal as i filled out medical history and waited for the nurse. even the nurse's questions were the usual, as well as her invitation to get into the paper outfit and said she'd be back with the doctor. he started with the breast exam. did one, no problem. went to the other side, went back to the first side, and back to the other side and said "have you ever felt this before?" and put my finger tips where he was feeling something abnormal. yeah, there was a huge lump. "no, but i don't do self-exams or anything." he said, "i don't want to scare you, but let me go get my overseeing physician." tears welled up. i started crying as i told him my mom had breast cancer last year and my aunt the year before. he got the other doctor, and he came in and did the same thing. we talked options. i told him about mom/aunt. he said i had a depressed look in my eyes. i said, "yeah." duh. now we're talking options. i was going to ask about any help with prenatal planning, healthcare options, etc. instead, i'm planning options for what to do about the lump in my breast. go back in three months for another exam? see a general surgeon for their opinion/possible biopsy? mammogram? dr. rush said he didn't think it was something that he thought needed to be biopsied at this point. anyway. i get in the car after the hellish appointment and call conrad, bawling so hard i can barely talk. called my boss to tell her i couldn't come in today. drove to my parents and told my mom what was going on. now, i wait. what am i supposed to do? on the way to my parents' house, all i could say as i was hyperventilating/shaking/crying was "GOD!" over and over. i just got off the phone with the nurse and i'm not going to have a mammogram at this point. i continue to shake and fight emotion (freak-out). i know it could be this and that (cyst, growth, whatever), but the appointment was traumatizing, nonetheless. please pray for me, i desperately need God to do something--physically and emotionally. i don't know why all this crap is happening to us.
so, i knew starting monday/the week off with a pap smear and breast exam weren't the greatest start, but i took the appointment at the health department so i could get it over with. i wasn't too nervous. no, they aren't my favorite pasttime, nor are the paper vests and paper blanket my idea of a comfy outfit, but i don't totally get freaked out or anything about the appointment. everything went normal as i filled out medical history and waited for the nurse. even the nurse's questions were the usual, as well as her invitation to get into the paper outfit and said she'd be back with the doctor. he started with the breast exam. did one, no problem. went to the other side, went back to the first side, and back to the other side and said "have you ever felt this before?" and put my finger tips where he was feeling something abnormal. yeah, there was a huge lump. "no, but i don't do self-exams or anything." he said, "i don't want to scare you, but let me go get my overseeing physician." tears welled up. i started crying as i told him my mom had breast cancer last year and my aunt the year before. he got the other doctor, and he came in and did the same thing. we talked options. i told him about mom/aunt. he said i had a depressed look in my eyes. i said, "yeah." duh. now we're talking options. i was going to ask about any help with prenatal planning, healthcare options, etc. instead, i'm planning options for what to do about the lump in my breast. go back in three months for another exam? see a general surgeon for their opinion/possible biopsy? mammogram? dr. rush said he didn't think it was something that he thought needed to be biopsied at this point. anyway. i get in the car after the hellish appointment and call conrad, bawling so hard i can barely talk. called my boss to tell her i couldn't come in today. drove to my parents and told my mom what was going on. now, i wait. what am i supposed to do? on the way to my parents' house, all i could say as i was hyperventilating/shaking/crying was "GOD!" over and over. i just got off the phone with the nurse and i'm not going to have a mammogram at this point. i continue to shake and fight emotion (freak-out). i know it could be this and that (cyst, growth, whatever), but the appointment was traumatizing, nonetheless. please pray for me, i desperately need God to do something--physically and emotionally. i don't know why all this crap is happening to us.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
a little bit bitter...
i will admit, these days i'm a little bit bitter. with life in general. now, i won't go into details because i have not the energy or the time (and you all have better ways to spend you time than reading about why adriane's bitter). things are just happening, or not happening, and it sucks. sometimes i wonder what the heck this whole thing is all about anyway. for all of you thinking, you should read the How to be Free from Bitterness pamphlet from church, i got it at a garage sale for free. free things don't make me bitter. however, i'll read the pamphlet as soon as i'm un-bitter enough to get something out of it and have enough energy to make the effort. oh well, life goes on.
i will admit, these days i'm a little bit bitter. with life in general. now, i won't go into details because i have not the energy or the time (and you all have better ways to spend you time than reading about why adriane's bitter). things are just happening, or not happening, and it sucks. sometimes i wonder what the heck this whole thing is all about anyway. for all of you thinking, you should read the How to be Free from Bitterness pamphlet from church, i got it at a garage sale for free. free things don't make me bitter. however, i'll read the pamphlet as soon as i'm un-bitter enough to get something out of it and have enough energy to make the effort. oh well, life goes on.
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