the blahs...
the post-retreat blaws. time for life again. i'm suffering with 'em. sara and i got to go to a ladies retreat to watch julie speak. she did awesome! it was fun to meet all the cute ladies, especially a few sister lily and some of the younger girls shawna, regina, and rachel. i felt like we were very welcome and they were ready for God to do a change (some open to a bigger change than others...). however, i had a lot of crap come up that i wasn't ready to deal with. i know it'll be better when i do, but i'm complacent right now. it seemed like every time i might have a chance to talk about it, something happened... sister nellie came in with a cute baby, talking briefly in the car and arriving at destination, etc. i'm not good at just being like, "hey guys, i have issues, listen to them, pray for me." in fact, i deny them and don't look people in the face. joanna said something in passing that totally hit home with me, and now it's rolling around in my head, unresolved. i downplayed it, but it's really a huge part of my life right now. that's one thing about prophets, you can't hide your discomfort, need for prayer, etc. but i ran from the topic. now here i am at my parents' house about to head home (in separate cars from conrad cuz my car was hear already and he met me). wishing i didn't have to go to work in the morning. wishing i could just sit alone and cry. what's wrong with me. why do i have to be so prideful? no, no, i'm okay. i have it all together. yeah right. julie was saying on the way to the retreat, "this probably won't be a spiritually significant retreat for you," just cuz of the background of the denomination it was and whatnot. it was stuff she's talked about before. but stuff i deal with. stuff i haven't made a change from. God help me. some how, some way.