i'm the fluffy punch server...
so on thursday i watched our wedding video--erin, you did such a great job! it was bittersweet. watching my grandma manske being escorted down to her seat and then later reaching up to give conrad a big hug in the receiving line had me bawling like a baby. but i'll have to say, we were so blessed to have her there. she was struggling the whole time with her breathing and the elevation. i'm the only grandchild that she got to see get married since i'm the oldest. on a lighter note.... it was fun to see my hottie man (i hope tayler gets the same:) --for all of those at tayler's celebration...) totally engaged in me and lookin' good in his tux. it was also fun to see all the people who came to help us celebrate. at one point in the video, darin went up to adrianne and said, "who are you?" adrianne replied with her adrianne grin, "i'm the fluffy punch server!" it made me laugh out loud. she's so cute, and i miss her!! i'm so blessed to know so many great people, even though we move on to different spots in our life. i saw nancy in the video and God convicted me to stop being lazy and call her. i hadn't talked to her in like 14 months, so i called her that night and we got together friday. anabelle is 2 years old today. i can't believe it! she's so dang cute with curly brown hair and her lovable personality. she came right to me and wanted me to hold her and then she hugged me and laid her head on my shoulder. nancy's expecting again in october and very excited. her husband has a good enough job that she can stay home, so that's good. anyway, i better get going. we're going to have a few people over to pray over our house today and i need to get some stuff done, including making rhubarb crunch:)

unhappy.
so, i know i've been posting some unhappy blogs lately, but it's basically post the real stuff, or not post at all. i don't know what's going on with me, but i've just been down lately. i will have to say that having sara call me and invite me for pizza last night made me VERY happy:) and seeing fawn and steph...who i haven't seen for weeks. that's about the extent of happy in my week. i don't know. i'll have to say, my clients make me happy sometimes... they're very real and cute. i spent today with my sister. usually i don't drive to poky on fridays, but since i took a sick day wed. and horizontal all day long, i decided to make an exception. she and i can handle each other in any mood. thank God for pooh! i was in a very bad mood and everything was driving me nuts, but pooh stayed calm and just let me vent. there's something about a sister that allows one to be totally themselves, no cover-ups. not that i try to cover stuff up, but it's naturally easier for me to be absolutely real with her. well, this isn't very uplifting, again. i'm sorry. please pray for me that i don't go insane!

lies...
why do we choose to live with lies? i don't know. it's easier at first i guess, than dealing with the truth and changing our thinking patterns. dying to ourself. i met with julie on tues. she's such blessing, and i can honestly say i don't know what i'd do without her. she has so much wisdom and is so open in sharing the struggles in her past as they pertain to mine here and now. she understands stuff i think that no one ever could. basically, i'll be getting prayer ministry all summer. yippy. sounds like fun. not really. but as my favorite kareoke (sp?) says, "I will survive!" i am ready to be free. it's so frustrating living with all this crap.

i'm saying "see you later" to a jeannie this saturday. that's going to be hard. luckily, i'll be with fawn and sara so we can be each other's shoulder to cry on. man, my life sounds depressing. next time it'll be happier, i promise. and soon we might have internet, so i'll have some time to get some pics uploaded... that'd make me happy. i have a good one of pooh and a fat cow on her head.

the blahs...
the post-retreat blaws. time for life again. i'm suffering with 'em. sara and i got to go to a ladies retreat to watch julie speak. she did awesome! it was fun to meet all the cute ladies, especially a few sister lily and some of the younger girls shawna, regina, and rachel. i felt like we were very welcome and they were ready for God to do a change (some open to a bigger change than others...). however, i had a lot of crap come up that i wasn't ready to deal with. i know it'll be better when i do, but i'm complacent right now. it seemed like every time i might have a chance to talk about it, something happened... sister nellie came in with a cute baby, talking briefly in the car and arriving at destination, etc. i'm not good at just being like, "hey guys, i have issues, listen to them, pray for me." in fact, i deny them and don't look people in the face. joanna said something in passing that totally hit home with me, and now it's rolling around in my head, unresolved. i downplayed it, but it's really a huge part of my life right now. that's one thing about prophets, you can't hide your discomfort, need for prayer, etc. but i ran from the topic. now here i am at my parents' house about to head home (in separate cars from conrad cuz my car was hear already and he met me). wishing i didn't have to go to work in the morning. wishing i could just sit alone and cry. what's wrong with me. why do i have to be so prideful? no, no, i'm okay. i have it all together. yeah right. julie was saying on the way to the retreat, "this probably won't be a spiritually significant retreat for you," just cuz of the background of the denomination it was and whatnot. it was stuff she's talked about before. but stuff i deal with. stuff i haven't made a change from. God help me. some how, some way.