Much-needed Encouragement

Do you ever have an uplifting conversation when you least expect it? After it's over you realize that it was such a deep need that couldn't be pin-pointed, but now that it's been fulfilled you wonder how you've made it without that conversation? I just talked to one of my college roomies for over an hour. She is one of the most positive people I know and I was totally open to share everything with her, and she brought it up. I'm thankful for conversations that don't tiptoe around the "elephant in the room", so to speak. I know there are certain things that are hard to bring up--grief, disappointment, infertility, etc.--but when they are brought to light I believe it gives freedom to the person who's dealing with a certain issue. She has some friends that are traveling the infertility road as well, and my friend and her husband have been close beside them. She has lots of medical insight (she's an NP), as well as God-insight. Since she's from a bigger city, she is around more fertility specialists in general (our "big" city a half-hour away has 0), and I appreciated her input. I am scheduling my appointment tomorrow for my ultrasound--our tax returns should be here by the time the bill comes around...

I Still Believe...

Today, I heard Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" on the radio for the second morning in a row. Kind of weird, because it's an older one of his, and probably is like number 6 of the Jeremy Camps songs they play. I LOVE that song--definitely one of my favorites. God knew I needed this reminder because He knew what yesterday and today would bring--surrounded by babies, surrounded by baby items (went shopping with mom yesterday), and surrounded by facebook posts (found out 3 people are expecting within 1 post!). I will post the link to the song whenever my computer decides to let me to. I'll post the lyrics for now:

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe



Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.

I still believe...

Perspective...

On Saturday night, my co-worker's brother-in-law was killed in a car accident. He was 2 months older than me. All I could think about after I found out was that I can't even imagine being in the various roles of this scenario---1)leaving my family behind at such a young age, 2)losing my husband at such a young age (or ever!!), 3)telling my kids their daddy is gone, or 4)losing my daddy as a young child. It's crazy how quickly life can be gone. Because of some circumstances, the marriage wasn't great, but the 4 kids left behind have lost their daddy nonetheless and my heart breaks. Please pray for this family when you have a chance. Strength for mom, peace for kids, and grace as they walk this journey and try to get back to "normal".

Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23

God, help me to stand firm in my faith. You DO have good things in store for conrad and me, better than we could ever imagine. Lord, help me in my unbelief. You know what's best for us, You know what we need, and You know the deepest desires of our hearts. Help me to trust You.

Unhappy Anniversary...

first of all, i know i've been a bad blogger...mostly because i haven't felt like i have anything new to say and i feel like i tend to blog when i'm feeling down, therefore i decide i don't need to drag everyone down with me.

after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.

so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.