how does your garden grow???
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!

99% sure...
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)

big decision...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...

lessons for my clients...
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!

a little piece of what's going on in my head...
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.