I haven't written for a little while, mostly because I have nothing to write:) We have decided to wait for doing any fertility treatments, mostly because we don't have the money (nevermind the 16 year olds--or the aliens--that are fertile myrtles and have multiple children for free.......that's another post for another day, or not). I'm still praying, and I think I actually feel at peace right now. I was talking to a friend this week and was saying that I don't know if it's peace or disillusioned, bitter complacency. I will say that it's peace. Peace says that I am hopeful (I am), and that I trust God (I do), even in the midst of the questioning.
I have found myself lacking peace in some other areas. I wake up at night and can't fall back asleep because my mind is racing thinking about all the people getting divorced. CRAZY stuff! I hate divorce, and it breaks my heart. I can't even imagine how it affects the heart of God. I will have to say that some (2 of the 10 I know of right now) are warranted. No one should have to stay in a marriage where they are being physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or sexually abused. But as far as the petty, every-day annoyances that come with living with another imperfect human being-----divorce is NOT the answer! GRRR. K, that's that.
I am trying to clean like crazy this week because I'm having an ugly dress party on Friday night. The idea came to me during one of my weekly stops at Goodwill. So many ugly dresses screaming for one more chance! I will definitely post some pictures. Speaking of cleaning, I better get going so I can use Conrad while he's off today to do some yardwork. I love Sundays when we can work together in the yard and around the house. I love my man:)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
The Dam Race...Minidoka Dam, ID
This was my first 5K of the year, and I have to say that it went better than it should have considering I've exercised 6 days out of the last 3 months! Andrea was my positive self-talker, saying "you're awesome", "we're awesome", "we're runners", etc. It is such an exhilarating feeling to finish a goal of wogging 5K. After the first mile, I was thinking I might die. It didn't help that we were jogging into the 50mph winds, I had a bad cold, and my legs were in shock. But, nonetheless, I FINISHED. Our time was 35:52 minutes(about 11:45 min. miles). Not amazing by any means, but it was my best time out of the 4 5Ks I've participated in. Because it was so cold and windy, Andrea and I actually wore the hoods of our hoodie sweatshirts. At the starting line, she leaned over and asked, in all seriousness, "Do I look like the unibomber?" Let's just say we weren't going to win any fashion awards, but it didn't matter at that point, we were all about survival! Steph did the 10K run and made me a proud friend! Her training paid off and she rocked the 10K with endurance and grace!! I never thought I'd like to "pay to run", but these races are great hang-out time, as well as self-esteem boosters. And, it's actually a healthy activity to do with friends (as opposed to my other favorites--eating good food, watching movies, eating desserts, etc.).
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Here's Where to Find the Sermons...
Apparently I don't know how to insert a link after 4 years...so I'll just post the website so you can cut and paste:) The ones that have spoken to me most are "Divine Deliberate Delay" and "Thinking that Releases Miracles". Hope they speak to you as much as they did to me. I would "guesstimate" they are around 30 minutes long, or so.
http://riveroflifepocatello.com/Sundaymessages.aspx
http://riveroflifepocatello.com/Sundaymessages.aspx
Can Someone Please Make the Decision For Me??
I've been crazy-busy this past week, but haven't forgotten about my faithful followers:) Thanks for reading my rantings and ravings!! I was talking to some co-workers yesterday about the recent doctors visits and tests, and *M* said, "So what are you going to do?" Totally legit question that has me throwing my hands up in the air.
If we are going to pursue IUI (4-6 cycles, $2,500-$3,500 that we don't have), I need to get a prescription for clomid in the next 7-10 days, and also let the doctor's office know. I feel like if/when we do IUI, I want to do consecutive months, rather than sporadic, with hopes that my right fallopian tube will spit out an egg sometime in those given months. Conrad's entering his busiest time of year for farming, so I'm wondering if waiting until after harvest would be best. *M* is like, "I just can't stand the anticipation!" I know, I know, folks, but I'm trying not to let my emotions lead, too much, in my decisions.
Another reason I'm hesitant is that I'm not ruling out that God has a miracle up His sleeve. Part of me is like--well, the money isn't there, so we need to be smart and just wait it out--PRAY it out. Maybe lack of finances is God's way of closing the door to infertility assistance at this exact moment (not to say it's not in our future). Ultimately I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God has an AMAZING plan for our future family and I am trying to press into Him more. Pastor Rod has been hitting on some key points the past few weeks. I will attempt to post a link to the last two sermons, they were excellent.
If we are going to pursue IUI (4-6 cycles, $2,500-$3,500 that we don't have), I need to get a prescription for clomid in the next 7-10 days, and also let the doctor's office know. I feel like if/when we do IUI, I want to do consecutive months, rather than sporadic, with hopes that my right fallopian tube will spit out an egg sometime in those given months. Conrad's entering his busiest time of year for farming, so I'm wondering if waiting until after harvest would be best. *M* is like, "I just can't stand the anticipation!" I know, I know, folks, but I'm trying not to let my emotions lead, too much, in my decisions.
Another reason I'm hesitant is that I'm not ruling out that God has a miracle up His sleeve. Part of me is like--well, the money isn't there, so we need to be smart and just wait it out--PRAY it out. Maybe lack of finances is God's way of closing the door to infertility assistance at this exact moment (not to say it's not in our future). Ultimately I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God has an AMAZING plan for our future family and I am trying to press into Him more. Pastor Rod has been hitting on some key points the past few weeks. I will attempt to post a link to the last two sermons, they were excellent.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wasted trip to Poky...
Today was my follow-up appointment after my HSG. It was a waste of my time! I'm not too impressed with the current doc, but he's one of two that can do IUI in this area, plus now I sort of have a history with him (if you can call it that). He basically told me what could've been said over the phone...last week! I've been waiting in anticipation of some *new* news or something crazy wrong for over a week, and then he spends 5 minutes with me and same ol', same ol'. Here's the run-down, and feel free to act like it's new information, because it's pretty much a repeat:
Long story short, our situation presents male factor as well as female factor infertility...I am at liberty to freely talk about my own issues. I have a tubal occlusion in my left fallopian tube (knew this already). Therefore, even if I am ovulating, if it's my left ovary that's trying to push out an egg, the poor little egg isn't going to make it anywhere. He recommended IUI with Clomid for 4-6 cycles, and if no BFP ("big fat positive"), we will look to IVF. Again, there's no way we can pick which ovary does ovulate, so even with the Clomid, I will need to pray that my right ovary will step up to the plate. Oh yeah, and he did try and tell me that IUI was a couple hundred a month. I told him what I found out and he looked shocked and said I should re-check at the front when I checked out. I was right. $254 per time, 2x per cycle, plus $80 blood test, plus $9 for generic Clomid. Okay, Dr.C., in my book, that looks like almost $600/month. Pocket change, right?
I was very frustrated when I left, not only because it was a waste of my time, but because of our situation. How come 15-year-olds get pregnant their first time having sex, and don't even want a baby, and it takes a mature, Christian couple years and lots of money?? I guess it all comes back to trusting our faithful God, and knowing that ultimately He DOES have a good plan for our lives. I'm trying to pound this in my head because it's easy for my mind to wander. Our pastor gave an excellent sermon on Sunday entitled "Divine Deliberate Delay" and it was just what I needed as a reminder. I will go into this more later, it was quite convicting.
Long story short, our situation presents male factor as well as female factor infertility...I am at liberty to freely talk about my own issues. I have a tubal occlusion in my left fallopian tube (knew this already). Therefore, even if I am ovulating, if it's my left ovary that's trying to push out an egg, the poor little egg isn't going to make it anywhere. He recommended IUI with Clomid for 4-6 cycles, and if no BFP ("big fat positive"), we will look to IVF. Again, there's no way we can pick which ovary does ovulate, so even with the Clomid, I will need to pray that my right ovary will step up to the plate. Oh yeah, and he did try and tell me that IUI was a couple hundred a month. I told him what I found out and he looked shocked and said I should re-check at the front when I checked out. I was right. $254 per time, 2x per cycle, plus $80 blood test, plus $9 for generic Clomid. Okay, Dr.C., in my book, that looks like almost $600/month. Pocket change, right?
I was very frustrated when I left, not only because it was a waste of my time, but because of our situation. How come 15-year-olds get pregnant their first time having sex, and don't even want a baby, and it takes a mature, Christian couple years and lots of money?? I guess it all comes back to trusting our faithful God, and knowing that ultimately He DOES have a good plan for our lives. I'm trying to pound this in my head because it's easy for my mind to wander. Our pastor gave an excellent sermon on Sunday entitled "Divine Deliberate Delay" and it was just what I needed as a reminder. I will go into this more later, it was quite convicting.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Bubblicious+Rodeo=Happy Birthday:)
My co-workers bought me a lovely chocolate cake...yes, the "Happy Birthday" plaque is edible white chocolate...they spoil me (this came after Sticky Finger Salad).
Let the bubble-blowing begin!!! You go, girls!!!
My beautiful sister and me at the rodeo. And a group shot below.
Red Robin anyone? All-you-can-eat fries and ranch. Nevermind the cheesy grin on my face while I have balloons wrapped around my ears. I just *love* being the center of attention.
Let the bubble-blowing begin!!! You go, girls!!!
My beautiful sister and me at the rodeo. And a group shot below.
Red Robin anyone? All-you-can-eat fries and ranch. Nevermind the cheesy grin on my face while I have balloons wrapped around my ears. I just *love* being the center of attention.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happy Birthday to ME!!!
Time for a happy blog entry:).
I was born on a beautiful Sunday afternoon just over 27 years ago. I was easy on my mom...she was a champ! I love that on my birthday every year, my parents tell me my "birth day story." It goes something like this: My mom was gearing up to give birth to her first child on April 23, 1983. The little baby inside her insisted on coming early, however. On April 9th, my mom started having contractions at home. As the day progressed, the contractions did not let up but got stronger and stronger. She wanted to stay at home as long as possible. She had a friend come sit with her because my dad didn't get off work until 11:00 p.m. and she wanted to wait to go to the hospital with him (even though he would have just been returning from working there...pharmacist+nurse=love story). At the time, my parents were not quite sure if they were going to be welcoming a son or a daughter into their lives. Way back when, the ultrasounds weren't as clear and the doctor "thought" the baby was a boy. When my parents went to the hospital that night after my dad got home, they waited excitedly as things progressed. My mom said she walked a lot up and down the hallways with my dad because it was better than laying in bed. I didn't decide to make an appearance until the next day at 3:45 p.m. My dad recalls it being an emotional experience. As he was watching me come into the world, he says he was so choked up that all he could say was, "I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but it has lots of dark hair!" The labor went smoothly and my parents gladly welcomed a 6lb. 12oz. *girl* to the world. They chose the name Adriane because they both liked it, and my middle name, Elizabeth, after my paternal great-grandmother Lizzie. They, of course, can recall lots more details. I love that they remember so much and tell me the story every year. They love me:)
I had a fun birthday this year. I went to the big rodeo matinee with my mom, sister, and 4 friends. This was my second time at this particular rodeo and I had lots of fun. We had great seats close to the chute, and only three rows up. My favorite parts were the hot dog and nachos, watching Andrea's and Pooh's heads turn with the good-looking cowboys that strutted by, and fun time with some of my favorite people. After the rodeo, we split up for a few hours and Pooh and I went to a few stores, including Goodwill. I love that store!! I found two shirts for $2 each! We went back to my parents' house to wait for our guests to arrive. Same rodeo crowd, minus one, plus a new one (I guess two new ones if you count my dad). My mom made posole (YUMMY mexican soup-like dish), so we started out with dinner. After that, we played Imaginiff... Have you ever played that game?? It's so much fun! We laughed a lot, and that led to us having a bubble blowing contest with the bubble gum that Pooh and I had picked up earlier (because what 27-year old's birthday party doesn't have bubble gum?!). We entertained ourselves with blowing bubbles for the next half hour or so. Then it was time for ice cream cake (it's just like Asphalt Pie, for those of you that have had it at Winger's). SO GOOD!! After that, Apples to Apples came out and we proceeded to laugh more and more. I was blessed with thoughtful gifts and cards, and the company of people I love. The next day, after church, my family and Conrad and I went to Red Robin for lunch and hit a few stores at the mall and Target. Did I mention that because I used my free birthday burger at RR, they came and sang to me? Luckily it wasn't terribly full as they belted out "I don't know but I've been told...someone here is getting old..." I kept my cool though, and was happy for the free sundae. Sunday was a fun continuation of my birthday, and nice to spend ALL day with Conrad, since he's been putting in long farming hours every day but Sunday. Overall, I had a most enjoyable birthday weekend. I have some pictures, but it seems they don't want to upload at the moment.....later.
I was born on a beautiful Sunday afternoon just over 27 years ago. I was easy on my mom...she was a champ! I love that on my birthday every year, my parents tell me my "birth day story." It goes something like this: My mom was gearing up to give birth to her first child on April 23, 1983. The little baby inside her insisted on coming early, however. On April 9th, my mom started having contractions at home. As the day progressed, the contractions did not let up but got stronger and stronger. She wanted to stay at home as long as possible. She had a friend come sit with her because my dad didn't get off work until 11:00 p.m. and she wanted to wait to go to the hospital with him (even though he would have just been returning from working there...pharmacist+nurse=love story). At the time, my parents were not quite sure if they were going to be welcoming a son or a daughter into their lives. Way back when, the ultrasounds weren't as clear and the doctor "thought" the baby was a boy. When my parents went to the hospital that night after my dad got home, they waited excitedly as things progressed. My mom said she walked a lot up and down the hallways with my dad because it was better than laying in bed. I didn't decide to make an appearance until the next day at 3:45 p.m. My dad recalls it being an emotional experience. As he was watching me come into the world, he says he was so choked up that all he could say was, "I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but it has lots of dark hair!" The labor went smoothly and my parents gladly welcomed a 6lb. 12oz. *girl* to the world. They chose the name Adriane because they both liked it, and my middle name, Elizabeth, after my paternal great-grandmother Lizzie. They, of course, can recall lots more details. I love that they remember so much and tell me the story every year. They love me:)
I had a fun birthday this year. I went to the big rodeo matinee with my mom, sister, and 4 friends. This was my second time at this particular rodeo and I had lots of fun. We had great seats close to the chute, and only three rows up. My favorite parts were the hot dog and nachos, watching Andrea's and Pooh's heads turn with the good-looking cowboys that strutted by, and fun time with some of my favorite people. After the rodeo, we split up for a few hours and Pooh and I went to a few stores, including Goodwill. I love that store!! I found two shirts for $2 each! We went back to my parents' house to wait for our guests to arrive. Same rodeo crowd, minus one, plus a new one (I guess two new ones if you count my dad). My mom made posole (YUMMY mexican soup-like dish), so we started out with dinner. After that, we played Imaginiff... Have you ever played that game?? It's so much fun! We laughed a lot, and that led to us having a bubble blowing contest with the bubble gum that Pooh and I had picked up earlier (because what 27-year old's birthday party doesn't have bubble gum?!). We entertained ourselves with blowing bubbles for the next half hour or so. Then it was time for ice cream cake (it's just like Asphalt Pie, for those of you that have had it at Winger's). SO GOOD!! After that, Apples to Apples came out and we proceeded to laugh more and more. I was blessed with thoughtful gifts and cards, and the company of people I love. The next day, after church, my family and Conrad and I went to Red Robin for lunch and hit a few stores at the mall and Target. Did I mention that because I used my free birthday burger at RR, they came and sang to me? Luckily it wasn't terribly full as they belted out "I don't know but I've been told...someone here is getting old..." I kept my cool though, and was happy for the free sundae. Sunday was a fun continuation of my birthday, and nice to spend ALL day with Conrad, since he's been putting in long farming hours every day but Sunday. Overall, I had a most enjoyable birthday weekend. I have some pictures, but it seems they don't want to upload at the moment.....later.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Hysterosalpingogram...
Say this 10 times fast!!! This was what I did today...don't be jealous. First of all, it was not comfortable. And not just the part where your legs are spread up in the air...but where the radiologist blows up a little ballon inside your uterus through the catheter he's stuck up through your cervix and pumps you full of contrast (dye). Thankfully I had done some reading online about the procedure, so I was highly dosed on ibuprofen beforehand. When the radiologist was injecting the dye---yowsers! It felt like the worst cramps imagineable. Unluckily, I get bad cramps every month so it wasn't anything too new, except for the fact I was laying flat on a table with three strangers staring at me. I got to see the screen while he was doing his part, and it was cool to see my inards.:)
The radiologist talked to me for a minute after the HSG and explained the x-ray pictures, but I have to talk to the ob/gyn tomorrow or Wednesday for his take on what's next. So, below is a diagram of the final picture that I saw. The good news...I have a uterus and one open fallopian tube. The dreaded news...I have one fallopian tube that is not open and would not take in any dye, despite the radiologist's trying to insist (ouch!). After I got off the table and walked to the changing/bathroom as modestly as I could, it was all I could do not to burst out in tears. Who know what's next (well, God does...)?? For now I will console myself with birthday candy and pepperoni de-light pizza from Papa Murphey's. Oh yeah, and I might've redeemed my free Coldstone birthday coupon for a cake batter ice cream/brownie cup of delight.
A picture is worth 1,000 words:
Figure 1 is what I was hoping for. Figure 2 is what I got.
The radiologist talked to me for a minute after the HSG and explained the x-ray pictures, but I have to talk to the ob/gyn tomorrow or Wednesday for his take on what's next. So, below is a diagram of the final picture that I saw. The good news...I have a uterus and one open fallopian tube. The dreaded news...I have one fallopian tube that is not open and would not take in any dye, despite the radiologist's trying to insist (ouch!). After I got off the table and walked to the changing/bathroom as modestly as I could, it was all I could do not to burst out in tears. Who know what's next (well, God does...)?? For now I will console myself with birthday candy and pepperoni de-light pizza from Papa Murphey's. Oh yeah, and I might've redeemed my free Coldstone birthday coupon for a cake batter ice cream/brownie cup of delight.
A picture is worth 1,000 words:
Figure 1 is what I was hoping for. Figure 2 is what I got.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Where was the Lawnmower???
You may think I'm going to dive into a nicely written blog entry about yardwork. Nope. I just got done shaving my legs for the first time in 2 months. I really could've used a lawnmower to get off that first thick layer. Maybe next time I'll remember before I dull a million razors getting rid of the 18 pounds of hair that have been keeping my legs warm. It actually would've been worse, but I had a false alarm in February that I may be hanging out in my friend's parents' hottub, so I decided that even my closest girlfriends needn't be subjected to the "jungle". I'm not totally against shaving. I'm all about upkeep when it doesn't involve my legs. Maybe that's cuz no one sees them and my husband doesn't care?? Who knows. All I can say is "where was that dang lawnmower!?!?!?!?!"
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Blah...
Do you ever just feel "blah"? WARNING: Don't read this if you don't wanna know "blah".
I guess I can say this has been the story of my life for a while. Don't get me wrong--I do have fun events, laughing fits, and enjoyable time with family and friends. However, one thing I've realized about myself three years ago (when deciding we would start TTC in February 2008) and today is that all (okay, most) motivation is gone. Three years ago, I was dedicated to working out and eating right...all in the name of gearing up for a healthy pregnancy. I was in the best shape of my life and I felt awesome from the inside out. Exercise was enjoyable, relaxing, and my body craved it. I easily made healthy choices, while still enjoying treats here and there, never feeling deprived. I was strong, healthy, and fit.
Now jump ahead to present-day. After months--and now years--of no success in the TTC department, I am unmotivated, out of shape, and make unhealthy choices when I eat. I know what I need to do to get in shape. I know what I need to eat/avoid to be healthy. I hate that I let myself react in such an unhealthy way to unhappy news. I put in a Pilates video tonight, thinking I could at least do a 20-minute segment. I did a few minutes of one segment, jumped to another, only to turn off the DVD altogether in another few minutes. Defeated. Tearful. Wondering why? I don't like feeling this way. It didn't help that my phone was on the fritz today when I was trying to be in contact with the financial counselor at PMC. I am really praying God's favor over getting some $$$ knocked off my procedure on Monday. Okay, this is like a diary entry, and since I don't keep a "diary" I just put it all out there on the world wide web. Here you go, folks!
Sorry, Michel, I tried to keep it upbeat for a few posts, but had to vent!! Thanks, God, that you're here even when I feel defeated.
I guess I can say this has been the story of my life for a while. Don't get me wrong--I do have fun events, laughing fits, and enjoyable time with family and friends. However, one thing I've realized about myself three years ago (when deciding we would start TTC in February 2008) and today is that all (okay, most) motivation is gone. Three years ago, I was dedicated to working out and eating right...all in the name of gearing up for a healthy pregnancy. I was in the best shape of my life and I felt awesome from the inside out. Exercise was enjoyable, relaxing, and my body craved it. I easily made healthy choices, while still enjoying treats here and there, never feeling deprived. I was strong, healthy, and fit.
Now jump ahead to present-day. After months--and now years--of no success in the TTC department, I am unmotivated, out of shape, and make unhealthy choices when I eat. I know what I need to do to get in shape. I know what I need to eat/avoid to be healthy. I hate that I let myself react in such an unhealthy way to unhappy news. I put in a Pilates video tonight, thinking I could at least do a 20-minute segment. I did a few minutes of one segment, jumped to another, only to turn off the DVD altogether in another few minutes. Defeated. Tearful. Wondering why? I don't like feeling this way. It didn't help that my phone was on the fritz today when I was trying to be in contact with the financial counselor at PMC. I am really praying God's favor over getting some $$$ knocked off my procedure on Monday. Okay, this is like a diary entry, and since I don't keep a "diary" I just put it all out there on the world wide web. Here you go, folks!
Sorry, Michel, I tried to keep it upbeat for a few posts, but had to vent!! Thanks, God, that you're here even when I feel defeated.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
His Faithful Love Endures Forever...
Psalm 136 (NLT)
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.
4 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
5 Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
6 Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
8 the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
9 and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.
10 Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
11 He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
12 He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
13 Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
14 He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
15 but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.
17 Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
18 He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
21 God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
22 a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
24 He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His faithful love endures forever.
I got a special card from an amazing friend last week. It made my day:) She wrote in it that while praying for me, God gave her Psalm 136. Today I was reading it during quiet time and I LOVE IT! And I love the way the New Living Translation says, "His faithful love endures forever." What more do we need if we have His faithful love enduring forever??
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.
4 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
5 Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
6 Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
8 the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
9 and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.
10 Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
11 He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
12 He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
13 Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
14 He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
15 but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.
17 Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
18 He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
21 God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
22 a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
24 He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His faithful love endures forever.
I got a special card from an amazing friend last week. It made my day:) She wrote in it that while praying for me, God gave her Psalm 136. Today I was reading it during quiet time and I LOVE IT! And I love the way the New Living Translation says, "His faithful love endures forever." What more do we need if we have His faithful love enduring forever??
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
I Love My Job...
Today I had my annual review for my job...I can't believe it's been a year!! I remember the day my now-boss called to offer me the job only hours after my interview. When I started a few days later, it was definitely bittersweet. I had, after all, quit my social work job a few months earlier with hopes of being a stay at home wife, then a pregnant stay at home wife, and then a stay at home mommy. Because of financial strain following the sudden drop in the wheat market, causing us to make tens of thousands of dollars less than budgeted for that year, I got a part-time job to keep us from having to borrow money to live on (thanks, Dave Ramsey, for saving us from future debt...). It was NOT what I wanted to do. However, it has turned out to be a HUGE blessing in disguise. I have awesome co-workers (which I like to think of more as friends), I feel more connected to my small community, and, of course, less financial strain is always a great feeling. I had lunch at my favorite place and had an awesome waitress (shoutout to Sarah!). I prayed before I went that God would guide our conversation. I never have awkward moments with my manager, D, but it was the VP I was worried about:) It turned out being a very enjoyable lunch. My manager loves me--what's not to love?? We had plenty to talk about without any awkwardness in the hour and a half we were there. Overall, it was very positive and it was nice to get to know the VP better.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to one of my old co-workers today. I was thinking earlier how I miss the people I worked with in my old job, but I don't miss the actual job. I was sad to hear that someone I care about died on Easter night. It's crazy how emotionally connected you get to people, especially in that line of work when people are vulnerable with you. I am glad that I know about the death (I always check the obituaries for people I know so I don't find out months later) and I'm also glad that I am removed from having to grieve while comforting the other clients. I had to do this when Grandpa Manske died and it was NOT fun. It was great to talk with G, and nice to hear that she misses me (I miss her too!!) and another former co-worker told her just last week, "I miss Adriane." Isn't that sweet? I am thankful that I left in good standing from my other job. God, thank you for the doors you've opened and thank you for knowing what's best for me. I pray you'd bring comfort and strength where needed. YOU are peace.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to one of my old co-workers today. I was thinking earlier how I miss the people I worked with in my old job, but I don't miss the actual job. I was sad to hear that someone I care about died on Easter night. It's crazy how emotionally connected you get to people, especially in that line of work when people are vulnerable with you. I am glad that I know about the death (I always check the obituaries for people I know so I don't find out months later) and I'm also glad that I am removed from having to grieve while comforting the other clients. I had to do this when Grandpa Manske died and it was NOT fun. It was great to talk with G, and nice to hear that she misses me (I miss her too!!) and another former co-worker told her just last week, "I miss Adriane." Isn't that sweet? I am thankful that I left in good standing from my other job. God, thank you for the doors you've opened and thank you for knowing what's best for me. I pray you'd bring comfort and strength where needed. YOU are peace.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Much-needed Encouragement
Do you ever have an uplifting conversation when you least expect it? After it's over you realize that it was such a deep need that couldn't be pin-pointed, but now that it's been fulfilled you wonder how you've made it without that conversation? I just talked to one of my college roomies for over an hour. She is one of the most positive people I know and I was totally open to share everything with her, and she brought it up. I'm thankful for conversations that don't tiptoe around the "elephant in the room", so to speak. I know there are certain things that are hard to bring up--grief, disappointment, infertility, etc.--but when they are brought to light I believe it gives freedom to the person who's dealing with a certain issue. She has some friends that are traveling the infertility road as well, and my friend and her husband have been close beside them. She has lots of medical insight (she's an NP), as well as God-insight. Since she's from a bigger city, she is around more fertility specialists in general (our "big" city a half-hour away has 0), and I appreciated her input. I am scheduling my appointment tomorrow for my ultrasound--our tax returns should be here by the time the bill comes around...
Friday, March 26, 2010
I Still Believe...
Today, I heard Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" on the radio for the second morning in a row. Kind of weird, because it's an older one of his, and probably is like number 6 of the Jeremy Camps songs they play. I LOVE that song--definitely one of my favorites. God knew I needed this reminder because He knew what yesterday and today would bring--surrounded by babies, surrounded by baby items (went shopping with mom yesterday), and surrounded by facebook posts (found out 3 people are expecting within 1 post!). I will post the link to the song whenever my computer decides to let me to. I'll post the lyrics for now:
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.
I still believe...
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.
I still believe...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Perspective...
On Saturday night, my co-worker's brother-in-law was killed in a car accident. He was 2 months older than me. All I could think about after I found out was that I can't even imagine being in the various roles of this scenario---1)leaving my family behind at such a young age, 2)losing my husband at such a young age (or ever!!), 3)telling my kids their daddy is gone, or 4)losing my daddy as a young child. It's crazy how quickly life can be gone. Because of some circumstances, the marriage wasn't great, but the 4 kids left behind have lost their daddy nonetheless and my heart breaks. Please pray for this family when you have a chance. Strength for mom, peace for kids, and grace as they walk this journey and try to get back to "normal".
Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).
Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).
Saturday, March 13, 2010
"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23
God, help me to stand firm in my faith. You DO have good things in store for conrad and me, better than we could ever imagine. Lord, help me in my unbelief. You know what's best for us, You know what we need, and You know the deepest desires of our hearts. Help me to trust You.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Unhappy Anniversary...
first of all, i know i've been a bad blogger...mostly because i haven't felt like i have anything new to say and i feel like i tend to blog when i'm feeling down, therefore i decide i don't need to drag everyone down with me.
after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.
so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.
after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.
so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
I Suppose I Should Write Something...
it's been a while, so i should probably jot a little something down on the ol' blog-a-roo. can't believe how time flies, but such is life, i suppose. already a few days in to the new year, and though it doesn't feel different...yet...i and trying to look ahead and FOCUS on the year ahead. i continue to be extremely blessed by family and friends. i don't know what i'd do without them in my life. i probably wouldn't make it too long! i know that God has great things in store for this year and pray that i will earnestly seek HIM. sometimes i get off track, especially when i'm trying to "protect" myself. i have to constantly remind myself that it's not about me!! God, help me to focus on YOU this year and press in to what you're doing in my life and in the lives of those around me.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Quit Playing Games With My Heart...
yes, this is a part of a backstreet boys song that i'm not scared to admit i know all the words to. ahhh...boy bands... it's also what's been reeling through my head for the past week. this whole infertility thing is a rollercoaster. there are days i know the rollercoaster will end, and other days that i feel like i'll be doing loop-di-doos forever. last wednesday night i was planning on taking my 2nd pregnancy test of the week. --let me insert here that i DESPISE taking pregnancy tests because it seems to dash my hopes quite harshly. since we started TTC almost 2 years ago, i've only taken 2 because my cycle's been pretty regular and i only start a day or two late...not enough to make me want to waste a test.-- the only reason i took #1 was because i was 5 days late. conrad went over to read it and hesitated to tell me the result, "it says you're not. i didn't want to have to tell you because i know how bad we want it." the reason i was even considering test #2 is because i was 12 days late. 12 days!!! surely the 1st test was a false negative!!! i was running late thursday morning, so i determined i'd take it on friday. however, i didn't need to since aunt flow came to visit thursday at work. how lovely. and how devastating. i usually try to keep my baby daydreaming to a minimum, but after day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, it was hard not to get excited about being pregnant and being a mom. at least i didn't waste a test on it. however, i'm once again in the same boat wondering "why?", "how?", "when?" i know God has a plan. I KNOW THIS!! but i am also trying to reign in my emotions. i just read the blog of another woman that dealt with infertility. yesterday was the year anniversary of her 4th round of IUI---and the 4th round worked--she now has a little boy. that's encouraging to me, but it's also a lot of money. our options right now: IUI, $500/cycle (dr. suggests a $1800 test before even trying this); $8,000-10,000 surgery for C (that may or may not help); adoption, $thousands$ (okay, this is extreme since we haven't tried anything else, but it's crossed my mind because it's a sure deal). i know God will provide the money if needed. i also know that a MIRACLE may be up His sleeve. i'm not opposed to that!!!!! okay, i just laid it all out there...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The World of Running...
lately i've been subjecting myself to a form of torture known as running. running long distances (to me!) without training to be exact. a 5k is equal to 3.1 miles (thereabouts--i figured you didn't need the 8 decimal points...). because my friend had a new year's resolution to run a 5k, i decided that i would join her because it'd force me to get in shape, right? notsomuch. due to a busy schedule, kids (hers), and lack of motivation (mine), the running the gap 5k snuck up on us. we held our own and finished in just under 41 minutes, jogging most of the time, mind you. it was 41 minutes of positive self-talk, bodily fatigue, and eventually determination to not let one more person pass us! after we got rehydrated and ate some carbs, we felt like CHAMPIONS!! we had done it!! gracefully, no, but we had accomplished it nontheless. this led us to crazy talk, such as, "just think, if we actually trained, we could do a 10k next year," "a 1/2 marathon wouldn't be that bad," etc. etc. mind you, this was before the week of sore groins, tight calves, and shoulder pains.so how, might you ask, did i allow myself to get sucked in to another 5k race?? i'm still wondering. well, not really. at the starting line of the parks and rec "fun" run, i was wondering, but after i finished, i felt like a million bucks again and felt like i could take on the world. my time this race was 36:46:03. i improved by a bit, even with a few hills thrown into the track. it was also fun because this time, sarah and i were joined by others girls we knew, which made the experience a lot of fun. i even won some $10 socks in the drawing (i know you're jealous). now if i could just get more motivated to train, i would be a happy woman (with less tight muscles). i love how i feel when i exercise, and i just need to make the time. who knows?? maybe a 1/2 marathon is in my (fairly distant) future...
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