where do your eggs come from???
today i experienced something new. although every day is filled with new knowledge about farm-related things, and weeks usually contain at least one new experience, i have not yet had the pleasure of gathering eggs. although i have been indulging in farm-fresh eggs since conrad's grandma's chickens started laying this fall, i have never hand-picked them myself. today, since the rest of the family was gone, conrad asked if i would go with him to let the geese out and gather eggs. why not?? i felt brave as i stepped into the chicken coop. i didn't let the rooster's loud announcement of a stranger scare me off...no, i was on a mission. i quickly went over where the hens sit and grabbed an egg out of two separate compartments that did not have a mother hen sitting on them. i felt good about things. conrad gracefully reached under a sitting hen and pulled out 2 EGGS! a treasure!! a chicken who was randomly sitting on the "bunk beds" (that's what they're like...different compartments) flew by me screeching. conrad handed me the hot eggs and i added them to my recycled egg carton. then it was my turn to reach under a hen. it took me about 5 minutes to do it, and conrad wouldn't let me out of it, despite my pleading. i finally got up the courage, pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand in case she pecked, and wiggled my fingers to get her to shift her body up so i could grab the prize. this was awkward for all involved. after all this...no egg!! all this suspense and i got the chicken who hadn't yet laid her egg for the day...how rude! oh well, i got some farm-fresh eggs from the others today and have to say that it's fun to see the different eggs--some white, some not; some smooth-shelled, some wrinkly; some oval, some round. never the same egg twice! now i wanna know how the store has them all uniform...genetic engineering?? who knows?? i do wash my eggs before i use them...just because i know the whole process...but that's the least of it. all i know is...i like my eggs and i like that they're free, organic, and tasty!!

this book was EXCELLENT and is highly recommended to anyone in a situation similar to mine. when the cradle is empty:answering tough questions about infertility was written by john and sylvia van regenmorter, a christian couple who dealt with infertility, and gives great perspective from the female and male view. this afternoon i was thinking i'm done with the baby thing...whatever. it's so draining in every sense of the word. you feel emotions you never thought possible. physically you're drained. mentally overwhelmed. spiritually shaken. i could go on and on, but i won't.:) anyway...this book brought some normalcy to my current struggle and i very much appreciated it. although i feel very much alone right now in dealing with this, it was nice to read about others who've gone through the same thing and be assured that i'm not totally crazy (this may still be up for debate...). i'm glad i decided to finish it tonight, as it's very timely and i need God's strength to keep moving forward.

they're everywhere!!!....
everywhere i look, there are pregnant people. i work with one. they're at church. they're my close friends. they're strangers at target. i went to a continuing ed thing yesterday in IF and saw a girl and her hubby that have been at this same training for the 3 years i have. she was pregnant during the first one, had her baby with her for the second one, and was pregnant yesterday. seriously. i pray that one of these days i can BE one of these women. i also talked to a girl i graduated with yesterday and she told me they had adopted a baby because they couldn't get pregnant. they did it 3 years ago and want to have more kids, but just barely paid off the $28,000 bill from the first little guy. i pray that she and her husband will get pregnant (a miracle) or that they'd be blessed in finances!!! God, sometimes i just don't understand you...

but, i WILL trust you...

there's no other way i can deal...

tamales...
living in a town that's 60% hispanic (give or take), i have the benefit of having access to authentic, home-cooked mexican food. last week on thursday, i bought a dozen tamales from a woman who sells them to make money. my co-workers were raving about them, so i gave in. i went to the local grocery store to get some enchilada sauce to put over them, knowing i had cheese at home. i figured i'd follow my co-workers simple instructions for heating up tamales in a very yummy fashion. i was excited to try them and serve them to conrad:) i took about 5 out of the package and put them in a pan. i poured enchilada sauce over them and sprinkled them with cheese. after 10 minutes at 350 degrees, they smelled so good and looked like a masterpiece!

i served a few to conrad and before i could sit down, he said, "i think i'm going to need a knife."
i was like, "okay," and got him a knife.
he then said, "are you sure we're supposed to eat the whole thing?",
to which i responded, "yeah, i think so, no one told me different. it's just a corn husk."
he took a bite and quickly said, "whoa, honey, i don't think you're supposed to eat the outside."

once i started in on my own portion, i quickly realized that someone had failed to mention the minor detail of unwrapping the tamales BEFORE the toppings and BEFORE consumption!! i told my co-workers the next day and they laughed hard. good ice-breaker!! the next day i ate tacos and burritos with homemade tortillas...i ate too many, they were SO good. yeah for yummy mexican food!! however, i do need to limit my self so i don't get a mc-bellyache!!

sufficient by adie camp

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through

In your mercy in the promise you made

Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

Cause when I am weak your strength is complete

It's perfect

Completely all I need

Sufficient for me

Your grace and peace are perfect

Completely all I need

You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding your strength

In my sorrow a gentle embrace

Through the seasons of laughter or pain

You are listening

When I call out your name

I'll find you when I seek

I'll look for you with all of my heart

And I'll find you when I'm weak

Cause you are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry my through

Carry me through

the rock and worship roadshow tour...
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.

we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.

we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...

***mediocre pics on facebook:)

i feel like a yo-yo...
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!

a breath of fresh air...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!

after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...

a little hope...
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.

"Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us

is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask

or even dream of."

Ephesians 3:20

bummer day...but it sure ended better than it started!...
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....

it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!

where's the balance in faith?...
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......

i got bored yesterday...

after puttering around the house yesterday doing this and that, putting things away, etc., i had a lull and thought what should i do now? take a bath? read? as i was standing in one of the bedrooms (for now the guest room, someday the baby's room) i decided to see how hard it'd be to take down the hideous light pink/white lacey-looking wallpaper. this was the result of my boredom. now to figure out how to get off the leftover residue (the entryway wallpaper was not nearly as tough!)...

the living room transformation...

i'm finally posting some pics from the changes that occured in my "tangerina" living room/heavily leafed wallpapered entry-way (feel free to come and see it in person, it looks better that way):

***this lovely wallpaper was complete was stringy strings that ran vertically every 1/8 inch or so. conrad enjoyed tearing it out...and don't you just love the orange!! the room had 70s orange furniture in it when we first looked at the house...

***even the white primer made a huge difference...thanks for the help, susan! conrad and susan were the roller champs...i'm more ADHD and kept moving from corners to edges to around sockets with the paintbrush.

***the finished product!! "firewood" is a lovely color, not too dark, but not too light. i love the contrast of the crown moulding and can't wait to get my furniture in there and have our first shindig!!!

a positve note...
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!

another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.

frustration...
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.

moving in the snow and missing my clients...
yesterday was cold, but fun to move things in to our new home. i got most of the kitchen put away and made plans for the today and wednesday. today, not so fun. it's snowing, so everything on the pickup gets wet. we're to the point where we're done with the boxes that close and the totes with lids, so i'm praying the snow will let up and let us move!! since i'm overwhelmed, my emotions have also been in overdrive. i just LOVE that!! (heavy on the sarcasm). i got a christmas card from Candlewood today and i was thinking that it was nice for the secretary to sign "from Candlewood" and send a card my way. i opened it on the way to town and had to restrain, since i knew i was going to be in public soon. most of my clients also signed the card, writing things like "i miss you a lot", "i hope you'll come and visit if you have enough time", and "i am really missing you a lot, have a merry christmas and stay positive and optimistic." the last one was from a client who was quite engaged in group sessions and seemed to really hear what we were talking about. i'm glad this person remembers me as saying "be positive and optimistic". crazy that i don't really feel like i have a handle on this myself, but i definitely learned a lot to apply in my own life from my time and Candlewood. i miss my clients, i miss my co-workers, and i miss being a part of these peoples' lives. sometimes i wish i could be 2 places at once, 2 people at once, so i could experience the best of both worlds--career world and the homemaker world. up until the card today, i kept thinking i was just on a long vacation from work and kept my feelings to a minimum. now i realize that while i'm feeling like i'm on an extended vacation, my clients are missing me, and a part of my heart will always be with them. was i selfish to leave just before the holiday season?? i pray to God that i made the right decision and have to be settled that He has a plan. well, i better get out of the library and go get subway so i can get back on track with moving. it's snowing worse now than this morning!

sunday night blues...
for the first time in a few years, i haven't had the sunday night blues!!! you know, the feeling the sunday is tainted by having to work on monday?...yeah, that. i do keep questioning my decision, however, and i need to let it go! it's done, it was God, and it's going to be a good thing.

i talked to someone today at the doctor's office (thanks for the plug, em and michel, barb was really good!) and she was willing to work through some stuff with me so my insurance won't know i'm talking "fertility" with her (heaven forbid they pay for something like that...). she ordered some "routine/preventative" blood tests to check my thyroid and something else(?can't remember?). told me to get a basal thermometer and do readings every morning and go back in little over a month, and if nothing's happened at that point, she'll put me on metformin to see if that will help me ovulate (i pray i can find a better insurance than the one i have now...and i don't want to have metformin on my "record" in case i do change instead of renew). if that doesn't work, then the next step is clomid, a fertility drug. i'm praying that we won't have to go any further than that. okay, God, i'm ready for you to work!! i know some people think it's weird i write this stuff here, but to be honest, i've gotta get it out somewhere and i need your prayers, please! physically and especially emotionally...

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~Anatole France

"i have something i need to tell you all..."
i was dreading this moment all weekend, all morning at work. i went to bed with a headache (i probably get 1-2 headaches a year) and woke up with a stomachache. i headed to work, all the while praying that God would help me and prepare my clients. one of my co-workers walked in with a two quilts--one for a christmas drawing for the clients, and 1 for me...a soft baby-sized quilt with a giraffe on it. i'd pointed it out about a year ago when looking through a quilting magazine with her. she ordered the panel online and made the quilt for me:) i absolutely LOVE my co-workers and will miss them sooooo much when i'm gone. this precious baby quilt was a little rough on the emotions, as she and my other co-worker (who knew this quilt was coming...) know my desire to start a family and are eager to hear the words one day. i told my co-worker that i loved the quilt and will use it someday and she responded "i know". when 10:45 rolled around i started my group session on positive thinking, joy, and self-esteem. how fitting... when 11:43 rolled around, i started to feel a knot in my throat and stomach and everywhere else one seems to have nervous build-up in their body. i remembered the support i had in my husband and my wonderful friends (esp. thought about the posts you all left on saturday's blog) and that is seriously the only thing that kept my moving forward. as emotions rose, i spit out the words i'd been dreading, "i have something i need to tell you all. thursday is going to be my last day. most of you know my husband is a farmer, and we've decided that i'm going to stay home and help out more where i can." breathe................ i hate trying to talk when i'm emotional. my face is contorted, my chin quivers, and talk as loudly as possibly, though it comes out barely above a whisper. after the few gasps, i continued, "i really have loved working with you all. you are all wonderful people and i've learned a lot from you." a few clients came over to comfort me, some looked shocked, and the room was full of voices saying, "i'll miss you, adriane", "come and visit", "you sure have been a good teacher". however frustrating things have been in the past, it's truly been the people that have kept me there this long. i've seen potential, i've seen the most caring people one could ever see, and i've seen my clients as God sees them...worthwhile, valuable, and having a purpose. i pray i've spoken this into their lives as much as i was supposed to. throughout the day, i heard more affirmations that i have made a difference to my clients. one told me "you really are a good person. and you're beautiful. i hope you have fun on the farm." another said "i'm going to miss you...who's going to thread my needles?" yet another one told me on her way out, "i'm sure going to miss you, edwin. you've been awful good to me and taken care of me. i'm going to miss you a lot." i can honestly say that if i had to pick people to be on my "team" these people would be top on my list. thank you for your prayers for this situation. i'm glad the hardest part is over, now we can all deal with it through the week. thursday may be a little rough, but the way i look at it is: if i'm feeling this way about moving on from Candlewood, and my clients and co-workers are going to miss me, i must've been doing something right (God's grace!!!). God knew where i needed to be, how long i needed to be there, and He knows where i'm going.....