the 1st day of my 12-week challenge...
so i've almost comleted my first 24 hours of eating well and i went to a spinning class tonight. 1 day down, 11 weeks and 6 days to go. our gym is having this 12 week challenge where they take before/after measurements and then give 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place prizes for losing the most (most % body fat, weight, inches...all compared to your before, not the 500 lb guy who's in the contest also). 1st prize = $1,000 plus a bunch of other stuff. i want to win. not only because i would like the money (second and third have cash prizes as well), but because i want to get in shape. according to their chart, i'm borderline overweight and my body fat percentage is high. boo. i know i eat like crap sometimes. and i probably will have a challenge when pooh and i go to seattle for a week--vacation's a killer! but i want to be in better health. the health dept. gave me a fibrocystic breast diet after my scare and it's basically low fat, high fiber, low sugar, no caffeine. this should be motivation. so should wanting to fit into my clothes. i'm down to 2 pairs of pants and 4 shirts for work...not good. i want to be ready for a healthy pregnancy. i want to have healthy organs. i want to live a long time!!! all these positive, healthy reasons...vanity maybe only taking up 2% of my desire, which is different from in the past when i've wanted to (and accomplished) losing weight. i cried last night when i was talking to conrad about it because i hate the feeling of starting another "program" and giving up on it. i don't want it to be like that. he prayed the sweetest prayer over me, i love that man!!! so, for all of you out there that i enjoy eating with, and you all know who you are:)... don't let me eat crappy food when i'm with you. force carrots down my throat if you have to! i'm kidding, kind of. my sister and i are really bad for each other, and she's going to eat better with me and start exercising more too. God help us both!

pumpkin seeds and spinning... an overshare*
just a few deep thoughts while i try and decide if i'm going to brave winco before heading back home tonight. i just ate some barbequed pork tenderloin with my daddio. yummy! he's good at grillin'!! but back to my title...
pumpkin seeds are yummy and they are a snack with some nutritional benefits. imagine that, me liking something with nutritional benefits. anyway... today i forgot to get a protein bar out of my stash at work before leaving and so all i had to eat before spinning was 2 apple slices and some pumpkin seeds. sounds yummy, right? yeah, yummy going down. but we all know pumpkin seeds don't exactly go down smoothly due to the shell part. this becomes a problem when you're working your butt off on the bike and start getting a little nauseous (ummm...i can't spell tonight...) and they start working themselves back up your throat for the next hour. i know this may be an overshare, but please take it as more of a warning. do NOT eat pumpkin seeds before a hard workout!!
spinning is not normal. i've been trying to do it because it makes me work hard and i'm not getting any smaller. everytime i go, i leave soaked in sweat, mouth feeling like the sahara, and spend the next few days with a sore undercarriage, if you will. others have told me the latter of the side effects will decrease the more i do it. um, nope. and the fact that spinning makes me work so hard...good for my heart, but every other system in my body hates me! i try and act natural, like it's no biggie keeping up with the instructor who's 35 weeks pregnant. but inside i'm thinking how did i get myself into this? but then i'm there again. maybe there is some sort of addictive behavior involved (though people who've told me spinning was addicting i used to classify as 'mentally ill'). who knows? anyway, here are my deep thoughts of the day. and about the overshare...i warned you:) and, it could've been worse:)

HOORAY!!!
my dad just informed me of some good news....IKEA is in utah!!!!!! i'm thoroughly excited. now, i just have to figure out when my trip down there will be:)

life's a country song... (that doesn't necessarily rhyme or go with a beat)
got sworn at by a person with extreme mania,
the hamster (Bear) at the center died,
heard passive-aggressive remarks for a full hour at work after telling a client not to lick all the batter out of the bowls (appropriate at home, not when cooking with 12 other people),
and spent much time throughout the day on the phone with an obsessive, schizo-affective type client and got hung up on 6+times.

glad the work week is over. it's been CRAZY i tell you!!! the full moon is coming up next weekend, i believe. i didn't used to think that stuff mattered, but after being around cows and people with mental illness, i'm swayed to think that it definitely plays a part in behaviors. now, Bear was just old--poor old guy:( , but the other stuff almost put me over the edge... hope you all have a relaxing weekend, i intend to!

adriane, the bunny trainer...
i'll admit it, when i started working at my current job, i did not think that social work would cross with animals. yes, there is evidence that pet therapy is a good thing, etc., etc., but me, being allergic to any animal with hair, found animals in the workplace less than a perfect situation. don't get me wrong, i love animals. first came the bunny, ringo. she's black and white and SOOOO soft, which makes a person fall in love with her. next came iggy, the iguana. no, i'm not allergic to him, but he is quite unnerving, especially after you see my boss' arms with scratches all over them. however, the way he reacts to a gentle bath with a squirt bottle allows him to squeeze into a special iguana place in a person's heart. most recently, we added bear to our zoo....office. he's a little hamster that fondly reminds me of my first real pets fuzzy and gumdrop. i love the little guy. these animals get SPOILED! this is where my latest title "bunny [personal] trainer" comes in. because ringo is so spoiled and in too small of a cage (she's lazy anyway, so i don't think a bigger cage would help), she is now obese. seriously obese. she eats healthy, veggies, apple cores, whole wheat bread butts, however, i think the caloric intake is much too high for a lazy animal. today, a coworker and i decided she needed to do some running up and down the hall during our staffing. she ran to the other end, and sat there the rest of the time. after staffing, my boss told me to make her run by stomping behind her (no animals were physically harmed in this push for exercise). i tried that, but ringo like my feet. so i had to scoot cardboard behind her. we got a good 15 feet of running and 6 stair climbs in before she almost pooped on me. i feel sorry for the poor gal, she has a quadruple chin and fat rolls under her armpits. i'll admit it, i called her a lardbutt, but it was a term of endearment. this wrapped up an exciting day of work.

long time...
well, it's been a long time since i've written...probably because life has been pretty boring, uneventful, etc. i guess that istn' all bad, considering events over the past year and a half of my life. we're almost to july and i don't even feel like it's summer because i haven't done anything summery. growing up, summer was full of multiple camping trips, road trips to south dakota, minnesota, and more camping. it's hard to change my expectations to summer=same ol', same ol'. tomorrow i'm going to lagoon, though, and i'm excited to do something different, summery. and the church picnic on sunday will be fun. and of course the annual newberry's up on the roof rockin' 4th of july party. it's looking to be a good week. and we got some sod, for those of you who didn't know...so landscaping is moving along, slowly but surely. i guess that's summery, but definitely not the same impact as vacationing...

what I lived for...
yesterday on the front page of the paper, i saw a picture of a guy who graduated a year before me under the headline "pocatellan killed in iraq." my heart skipped a beat. i never even talked to the guy, but i remember him, since he was very outgoing and well-known at school (though he never seemed the bratty, popular type). i remember people discussing his decision to enlist right out of high school with questions like, "why would he do that?". so, why did he want to enlist again after fulfilling his two year commitment? because he believed and was passionate about the cause. this is apparent as i read the articles in the paper and read what his friends and family have to say about him. the article described him as a "charasmatic patriot". this has caused me to think over and over again over the past 24 hours......
i pray that when i die, people will know what i lived for.

new perspective...
i need a new perspective, a new focus. i get so down thinking about the disappointments i see in myself and in others, that it brings my energy, my faith, my trust in people down. i hate being down. i need God to give me His perspective, His focus. i want to see myself and others as God sees us. i know there will be disappointments in life. people will disappoint me, I will disappoint me. God won't disappoint me (even though i've felt like He has at times...). God, let my focus be on you when life throws these disappointments my way. help me to know how to deal.

overreaction...
it's amazing what one overreaction can do to a person. and not just that person directly, but hmmm...let's say....maybe a patient? because of an overreaction by a resident the last time i went for my yearly exam, my last 6 months have been ones of confusion, being scared, financial stress, etc., etc., and many other negative emotions. i heard back from the surgeon's nurse today. the surgeon and the radiologist (who read my ultrasound from tuesday) talked and the report on the lump in my breast is........it's nothing!!! yes, this is GREAT news. however, i am left wondering why i had to go through all this to get to this point. i'm reminded of mercyme's new song on the radio that says "if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain". sometimes it takes the storms of life to turn our eyes to Him. so maybe God is using this to teach me something? not that he ever wanted me to feel the emotional pain of this, but He was there through all of the emotions, doctor appointments, etc. was the overreaction something He allowed, or was He just there to pick up the pieces? don't know. i'm asking questions though, believe you me. anyway, thanks for your prayers and encouragement. i'm sure you're all glad to know my left breast is in tip-top shape:)

happy birthday to me...
it's been a wonderful birthday so far, and i haven't even been home to see conrad yet tonight--take that like you want to:) sunday night was SO fun i can barely believe it really happened. what a blessing God's given me in my friends. conrad sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses at work today, i was totally surprised. i got to my parents' house and saw a weird number on my cell phone and ended up talking to JEANNIE for 20 or so minutes. i cried at the beginning and the end. it's been a happy day and it's not over yet:)

to foreign cars and being short...
well, yesterday, i was cursing both of these things. first of all, we brought our passat in for a wheelbearing to be put on and (what i thought was going to be) a simple fix. long story short, hundreds of dollars needed to fix problem. yes, we're getting a second opinion and my internet-loving dad is going to look for parts elsewhere. but, for now, i'm thinking our next car will NOT be german-made. how 'bout a reliable camry, an acura, or something else more common and cheaper to fix? definitely. about being short...5 minutes after i paid for the first installment of car fixing (wheelbearing costing $140 in LABOR!), i went to pick up my bridesmaid dress from getting shortened because my legs are stubs, and the cashier said, "okay, that'll be $45.25. i thought that surely i didn't hear her right! oh, but i did. no mistake here, ladies and gentlemen, short people pay more for things because we always have to get them shortened so we don't look like we're playing dress-up. not only did she have to shorten the outer fabric, no, she had to shorten the toulle (sp?) underthing too. some days i wish i was a little bit taller. even an inch or two would do.

i can only imagine...
i'm wondering how long it will be until i can hear this song--sing this song--again without choking up. when the intro music started at church today, i leaned over to conrad and said "oh no." ever since my grandma died last year, it's hit home a lot harder than just a happy, gonna be in heaven someday song. my dad had it played at grandma's funeral in jan. '06. he also had it played at grandpa's funeral in january '07, right before he gave the eulogy. today in church, i couldn't even look at my dad. i peeked toward the end and he was just sitting there with his eyes closed. i tried to sing parts, but after 3 words had to stop for fear that i'd start bawling uncontrollably. no thank you, i'll save that for the car or home. anyway, i do like the song, but the emotions are still a little too strong to enjoy it.

i'm not that impressed...
these are the words of Dr. Heilman as she examined the lump in my breast. i guess some could be offended if someone said that about a body part, but i was happy. she seemed to have little worry about the lump. i told her "i wish you would've been the one to find it 4 months ago, he freaked me out." anyway, long story short, she wants me to get an ultrasound before she does a biopsy. i asked if it was urgent or if i could wait a few months to get finances in order, and she said 2 months would be fine. yeah God! thanks for your prayers and thanks for listening:)

should i be nervous?...
i have a biopsy scheduled on tuesday at 3:30. part of me--the most loud, repetitive part--keeps telling me i should be nervous and scared. what if the lump is cancerous? what if it's not and they still want to remove it (PA at health dept. said this was very likely)? where's the money going to come from? etc., etc. i think you all get the point. then at church today, the guy kept saying "God is able." okay. so i know this in my head, and a small part of me has gone back to this fact of God being able, but why is it so hard to totally let go of this issue and just let God be God? i keep thinking, God is able, but... WHY THE BUT????? i would like to get rid of the "but". *please pray for me this week, it's a huge weight on my mind and emotions. also, physically i'm counting on God to do something, so let it be so!!

counterfeits...
i'm going to venture to say that we have all dealt with counterfeits. due to recent events in my life, i've started thinking about this subject a lot...i think God's trying to get my attention. i journaled about it last night, even, something i haven't done for months because life's tended to be on the depressing side. but i'm wondering if anyone else can relate...

why is it so easy to settle for counterfeits? we do it all the time--despite your promises of love, satisfaction, fulfillment, contentment, joy, peace, etc.. help me, God, to take you at your word and not to search elsewhere!! why do we turn away what is REAL and settle for less--for the counterfeit. we're disillusioned. people offer help...God, you offer help...yet we are to caught up in our counterfeit--so comfortable, momentarily happy (not joyful, mind you)--that we continue to choose that route, hoping that our REAL friends, our REAL God will still be there when our counterfeit falters. God, help me to pursue the real deal. help me to be real. help me to speak truth to those caught in counterfeit's grip. you are faithful to do all these things. thank you for being real. for being truth. you alone bring satisfaction, REAL satisfaction--nothing/nobody else.

we can blame satan for these counterfeits. he is the one who brings the food, the relationship, the money, whatever the "drug of choice." but we're the one who continues to reach for it, and i think this turns the tables and makes us the one to blame. don't get me wrong, i believe in a forgiving God. however, when we are lazy and complacent, we can't just sit back and blame satan for our actions--or even blame God for not being there. these counterfeits DO hinder us coming into our destiny. we are hindering our freedom! sometimes (most of the time) freedom does not come without a fight, a sacrifice. what we don't see is that the fight (with a mighty God on our side) and sacrifice (small price to pay) are worth it! they are not in vain, but help us to fulfill the destiny God has for us. so often we're not willing to trade our own small thing in return for a HUGE DESTINY!! why do we give that up so easily?

Here are some pics from my trip to Grandpa's funeral... I loved him dearly!! A red rose for each grandchild, the beautiful church after the funeral, pretty window, and us going through Grandma's costume jewelry, one of the lighter moments of the trip...

me, the inspiration:)
throughout the weekend, my aunt lynn kept saying, "you were the inspiration for me having kids." she never wanted kids until she was around me when i was a baby. nevermind the fact that i had explosive diarrhea while she was holding me and it got all over her left leg (yes, she remembers what leg). nonetheless, i was the inspiration for her to have my cousins. i'm glad i could be an inspiration:)

p.s. more details on the trip later... it was good, and i'm so glad i went.

nice people...
i've been impacted by some very nice people within the last few days...no, not people i already knew, though i know lots of them, but people i didn't know that touched my life...
1st--we bought a combine yesterday. yes, i stayed home from work so i could have a day to grieve and see conrad since he's been working a lot. we went and bought a combine. fun stuff. anyway...the guy we talked to about it (conrad had already done the homework, etc., so we were "sealing the deal") was sooooo nice. i left telling conrad that if the world had more people like john in the world, it would be a better place. he was excited to meet me and made me feel special. he said to conrad, "congratulations on a great marriage." he was very encouraging to conrad, telling him how smart he was in farming, how incredible it was for him to play college b-ball, etc., etc. yes, you may be thinking, well, yeah, you just paid him thousands of dollars, of course he's gonna be nice, but it wasn't like that at all. totally genuine. absolutely real. this is the kind of person i want to be. not that i don't try and be genuine, but that i look for, identify, and voice those things in others that are there, even if i may have to dig deep for some. he was so respectful of every person that was brought up in conversation that he and conrad mutually knew. i'm sitting here thinking when can we hang out with john again?! :)
2nd--i went to pick up a spray for the casket of my client this morning. we ordered it from L.D.'s. we had limited funds (pretty much what she had saved up at our Center) and he worked with us. they brought out the arrangement and i was instantly choked up...it was absolutely GORGEOUS!!! 2 star-gazer lillies, 2 orchids, roses, freesia, daisies, greenery, etc. my client would have LOVED these flowers. i can see her reaction now. he gave us a deal and said, "no person should have to leave the world without flowers." he said he threw in some extra roses, he called them old roses, but basically they were just already bloomed, and were pretty to me. i'm glad there are people in the world like L.D. who are willing to work with friends of a wonderful lady who had no family/money to give her a beautiful arrangement for her funeral.
3rd--because my client was a ward of the state, cremation was the plan. however, the funeral director in malad knew people who worked with my client and when he heard this, he donated a casket and a burial plot, as well as let us have the service in the chapel at his funeral home. he was so kind today as we arrived to pay our respects to this dear woman. he was personable as he directed the program and very humble. what a blessing!! my client would have been honored that so many people worked together to bless her. i'm sure Jesus let her peek down for a second and let her watch:)

grandpa manske...
one of the best grandpas ever. i treasure the time i got to spend with him and my last phone call with him when i got to hear his cute voice. today i wore the necklace i inherited from my grandma manske, a gold heart with a ruby (her favorite stone), because i needed something to help me through the day. grandpa died today. i am terribly sad, but happy that he no longer has to suffer and that he and my beautiful grandma can be together again. i'm not working tomorrow. i need a day to myself. my dad left for MN tonight at 6:30. please pray for safe travel and continued peace. you girls are the bomb diggity!! i love you all.

another prayer request from adriane: conrad's grandpa has an aneurysm (sp?) right by his heart and doctors won't operate because it's too risky being so close to the heart. this is extremely sudden. GOD, if ever we needed your peace, this would be the perfect week for it!!!

really don't know what to call this one...
so i have all sorts of things spinning through my head today. it's been a rough weekend. i'm thankful that i have some wonderful friends that hung out with me on friday night--subway and mario cart--a beautful night!! it helped get my mind off of negative stuff. saturday i had a knock-out drag-out with God while doing my beth moore bible study. it was a good thing. that day was about having God's peace. i realized that so many times i've wondered where it was and He waiting to give it to me in exchange for the things i hold on so tightly to. why is it so hard to let go of our crap?! today at church i got the same message during worship. then during the message. it's like we hold so tightly to our stuff that we don't have room to take in God's peace, joy, destiny for our lives, etc. i don't understand why it's so hard for me to give the bad for the good. i'm trying to let go. i guess realizing it's a problem is a good place to start. i hate when i don't wanna be at church. i didn't this morning at first, but God was speaking and used a friend to speak into my life, so i'm glad i went. whenever i'd get a bad attitude during worship and get mad at God for something dumb, He'd gently say, "aren't I still worthy, holy, etc., even when things aren't perfect?" yes, God, you are!!! okay, now i'm babbling. it's just that i don't have anyone to talk to about all this stuff, so i get it out when i can. okay, one more thing. as i think about my job, i think i can't do this, God, i don't know what i'm doing, why i'm there. why can't i have a job where i don't have to deal so intensely with people? why can't i avoid having to deal with this stuff? He reminded me that He put me there because I CAN do it with His strength. i am supposed to be working with people. God, i need more strength!!

p.s. please pray for me this week as i'm working...that i'd be able to be strong for my clients who are grieving and as we take them all to the funeral on wednesday. also, we got a call about an hour ago about my grandpa. he's been in the nursing home about a week or so now, and not doing well. today's really bad. his blood pressure is dropping and his temp is 94. my dad's planning on driving out tomorrow after inventory or tues. and my aunts are trying to find a quick flight from washington. please pray my grandpa would have peace.