Do you ever just feel "blah"? WARNING: Don't read this if you don't wanna know "blah".
I guess I can say this has been the story of my life for a while. Don't get me wrong--I do have fun events, laughing fits, and enjoyable time with family and friends. However, one thing I've realized about myself three years ago (when deciding we would start TTC in February 2008) and today is that all (okay, most) motivation is gone. Three years ago, I was dedicated to working out and eating right...all in the name of gearing up for a healthy pregnancy. I was in the best shape of my life and I felt awesome from the inside out. Exercise was enjoyable, relaxing, and my body craved it. I easily made healthy choices, while still enjoying treats here and there, never feeling deprived. I was strong, healthy, and fit.
Now jump ahead to present-day. After months--and now years--of no success in the TTC department, I am unmotivated, out of shape, and make unhealthy choices when I eat. I know what I need to do to get in shape. I know what I need to eat/avoid to be healthy. I hate that I let myself react in such an unhealthy way to unhappy news. I put in a Pilates video tonight, thinking I could at least do a 20-minute segment. I did a few minutes of one segment, jumped to another, only to turn off the DVD altogether in another few minutes. Defeated. Tearful. Wondering why? I don't like feeling this way. It didn't help that my phone was on the fritz today when I was trying to be in contact with the financial counselor at PMC. I am really praying God's favor over getting some $$$ knocked off my procedure on Monday. Okay, this is like a diary entry, and since I don't keep a "diary" I just put it all out there on the world wide web. Here you go, folks!
Sorry, Michel, I tried to keep it upbeat for a few posts, but had to vent!! Thanks, God, that you're here even when I feel defeated.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
His Faithful Love Endures Forever...
Psalm 136 (NLT)
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.
4 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
5 Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
6 Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
8 the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
9 and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.
10 Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
11 He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
12 He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
13 Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
14 He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
15 but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.
17 Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
18 He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
21 God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
22 a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
24 He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His faithful love endures forever.
I got a special card from an amazing friend last week. It made my day:) She wrote in it that while praying for me, God gave her Psalm 136. Today I was reading it during quiet time and I LOVE IT! And I love the way the New Living Translation says, "His faithful love endures forever." What more do we need if we have His faithful love enduring forever??
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.
4 Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
5 Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
6 Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
7 Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
8 the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
9 and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.
10 Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
11 He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
12 He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
13 Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
14 He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
15 but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
16 Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.
17 Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
18 He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
21 God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
22 a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
24 He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His faithful love endures forever.
I got a special card from an amazing friend last week. It made my day:) She wrote in it that while praying for me, God gave her Psalm 136. Today I was reading it during quiet time and I LOVE IT! And I love the way the New Living Translation says, "His faithful love endures forever." What more do we need if we have His faithful love enduring forever??
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
I Love My Job...
Today I had my annual review for my job...I can't believe it's been a year!! I remember the day my now-boss called to offer me the job only hours after my interview. When I started a few days later, it was definitely bittersweet. I had, after all, quit my social work job a few months earlier with hopes of being a stay at home wife, then a pregnant stay at home wife, and then a stay at home mommy. Because of financial strain following the sudden drop in the wheat market, causing us to make tens of thousands of dollars less than budgeted for that year, I got a part-time job to keep us from having to borrow money to live on (thanks, Dave Ramsey, for saving us from future debt...). It was NOT what I wanted to do. However, it has turned out to be a HUGE blessing in disguise. I have awesome co-workers (which I like to think of more as friends), I feel more connected to my small community, and, of course, less financial strain is always a great feeling. I had lunch at my favorite place and had an awesome waitress (shoutout to Sarah!). I prayed before I went that God would guide our conversation. I never have awkward moments with my manager, D, but it was the VP I was worried about:) It turned out being a very enjoyable lunch. My manager loves me--what's not to love?? We had plenty to talk about without any awkwardness in the hour and a half we were there. Overall, it was very positive and it was nice to get to know the VP better.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to one of my old co-workers today. I was thinking earlier how I miss the people I worked with in my old job, but I don't miss the actual job. I was sad to hear that someone I care about died on Easter night. It's crazy how emotionally connected you get to people, especially in that line of work when people are vulnerable with you. I am glad that I know about the death (I always check the obituaries for people I know so I don't find out months later) and I'm also glad that I am removed from having to grieve while comforting the other clients. I had to do this when Grandpa Manske died and it was NOT fun. It was great to talk with G, and nice to hear that she misses me (I miss her too!!) and another former co-worker told her just last week, "I miss Adriane." Isn't that sweet? I am thankful that I left in good standing from my other job. God, thank you for the doors you've opened and thank you for knowing what's best for me. I pray you'd bring comfort and strength where needed. YOU are peace.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to one of my old co-workers today. I was thinking earlier how I miss the people I worked with in my old job, but I don't miss the actual job. I was sad to hear that someone I care about died on Easter night. It's crazy how emotionally connected you get to people, especially in that line of work when people are vulnerable with you. I am glad that I know about the death (I always check the obituaries for people I know so I don't find out months later) and I'm also glad that I am removed from having to grieve while comforting the other clients. I had to do this when Grandpa Manske died and it was NOT fun. It was great to talk with G, and nice to hear that she misses me (I miss her too!!) and another former co-worker told her just last week, "I miss Adriane." Isn't that sweet? I am thankful that I left in good standing from my other job. God, thank you for the doors you've opened and thank you for knowing what's best for me. I pray you'd bring comfort and strength where needed. YOU are peace.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Much-needed Encouragement
Do you ever have an uplifting conversation when you least expect it? After it's over you realize that it was such a deep need that couldn't be pin-pointed, but now that it's been fulfilled you wonder how you've made it without that conversation? I just talked to one of my college roomies for over an hour. She is one of the most positive people I know and I was totally open to share everything with her, and she brought it up. I'm thankful for conversations that don't tiptoe around the "elephant in the room", so to speak. I know there are certain things that are hard to bring up--grief, disappointment, infertility, etc.--but when they are brought to light I believe it gives freedom to the person who's dealing with a certain issue. She has some friends that are traveling the infertility road as well, and my friend and her husband have been close beside them. She has lots of medical insight (she's an NP), as well as God-insight. Since she's from a bigger city, she is around more fertility specialists in general (our "big" city a half-hour away has 0), and I appreciated her input. I am scheduling my appointment tomorrow for my ultrasound--our tax returns should be here by the time the bill comes around...
Friday, March 26, 2010
I Still Believe...
Today, I heard Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" on the radio for the second morning in a row. Kind of weird, because it's an older one of his, and probably is like number 6 of the Jeremy Camps songs they play. I LOVE that song--definitely one of my favorites. God knew I needed this reminder because He knew what yesterday and today would bring--surrounded by babies, surrounded by baby items (went shopping with mom yesterday), and surrounded by facebook posts (found out 3 people are expecting within 1 post!). I will post the link to the song whenever my computer decides to let me to. I'll post the lyrics for now:
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.
I still believe...
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Probably my favorite line is, "even when answers slowly unwind, it's my heart I see you prepare." This journey has been hard, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God knows what He's doing and in the end, I'll look back and see that things worked out like they were supposed to, as hard as it is to believe right now. God is preparing me for motherhood, preparing my character to be that of a woman that pleases Him, and preparing those around me to rejoice with me when I do become a mommy. God IS faithful. Thank you, God, for this reminder. You knew I needed it. You knew what today would bring and the emotions I would face. Thank you for planning ahead.
I still believe...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Perspective...
On Saturday night, my co-worker's brother-in-law was killed in a car accident. He was 2 months older than me. All I could think about after I found out was that I can't even imagine being in the various roles of this scenario---1)leaving my family behind at such a young age, 2)losing my husband at such a young age (or ever!!), 3)telling my kids their daddy is gone, or 4)losing my daddy as a young child. It's crazy how quickly life can be gone. Because of some circumstances, the marriage wasn't great, but the 4 kids left behind have lost their daddy nonetheless and my heart breaks. Please pray for this family when you have a chance. Strength for mom, peace for kids, and grace as they walk this journey and try to get back to "normal".
Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).
Sometimes it takes big events to get me thinking about things I should always have on my mind. Who am I supposed to be sharing Jesus with?? How does God want me to be obedient today?? Am I living out the FULL destiny that God has for my life?? I get so wrapped up in the things I feel that I lack in life---fitness, financial stability, and a little family---that I forget the big picture and the fact that it's NOT all about me. Sure, God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, but as I'm living to the fullest, I'll be fulfilled and blessings will happen in my life (they are already happening, I need to praise God for each one!!).
Saturday, March 13, 2010
"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23
God, help me to stand firm in my faith. You DO have good things in store for conrad and me, better than we could ever imagine. Lord, help me in my unbelief. You know what's best for us, You know what we need, and You know the deepest desires of our hearts. Help me to trust You.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Unhappy Anniversary...
first of all, i know i've been a bad blogger...mostly because i haven't felt like i have anything new to say and i feel like i tend to blog when i'm feeling down, therefore i decide i don't need to drag everyone down with me.
after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.
so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.
after acknowledging our 2 year anniversary of TTC a few weeks ago, infertility continues to be what's occupying most of my thought life. rather than writing down all the crazy emotions and moods i find myself in, i have found a welcoming community of bloggers that have had the same struggles that conrad and i have had while TTC. i would rather sit and read 20 infertility blogs than write my own, because it all feels like a repeat anyway. maybe it's just easier for me to read other people's similar struggles and know there are people out there that relate. there are definitely better days than others. on the good days, i don't cry and i'm able to confidently say "someday." other days are not so good. the 2 baby showers i've gone to in the last six weeks have been torture, not to mention every time someone asks if i have kids yet, and/or, "when?!". i appreciate my mom telling me that i've been a good friend and brave for going to these baby showers. a woman at our church that struggled with infertility told my mom that she used to never go to baby showers, even after she adopted 2 girls. this same woman told me to never stop pressing in...she loves her [adopted] daughters but wishes she would have had more faith and spent more time in fervent prayer in hopes of having a biological child as well. i DON'T want to give up, but sometimes it's just so hard to continue to press in with faith. we were praying for a tax return so i could get a [$1,800+] test run on me. we are trying to get the $8,000 first-time home buyers credit, but are having some hoops to jump through thanks to a certain someone. i just want to scream at that person, "if you only knew how much $8,000 could help us right now!", but instead i hold my tongue and try and convince myself that $8,000 is pocket change for God, and if we're meant to have tests, surgeries, IUIs, $5,000 maternity deductible (this situation would rock!), etc., He'll provide the finances.
so if i'm ever going months without blogging, you can 1)be happy that i'm trying not to drag you down with me, and 2) know that i'm simply reading the blogs of some "kindred spirits" that are walking the same road, trying to find solace in the fact that i'm not the only one on this journey.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
I Suppose I Should Write Something...
it's been a while, so i should probably jot a little something down on the ol' blog-a-roo. can't believe how time flies, but such is life, i suppose. already a few days in to the new year, and though it doesn't feel different...yet...i and trying to look ahead and FOCUS on the year ahead. i continue to be extremely blessed by family and friends. i don't know what i'd do without them in my life. i probably wouldn't make it too long! i know that God has great things in store for this year and pray that i will earnestly seek HIM. sometimes i get off track, especially when i'm trying to "protect" myself. i have to constantly remind myself that it's not about me!! God, help me to focus on YOU this year and press in to what you're doing in my life and in the lives of those around me.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Quit Playing Games With My Heart...
yes, this is a part of a backstreet boys song that i'm not scared to admit i know all the words to. ahhh...boy bands... it's also what's been reeling through my head for the past week. this whole infertility thing is a rollercoaster. there are days i know the rollercoaster will end, and other days that i feel like i'll be doing loop-di-doos forever. last wednesday night i was planning on taking my 2nd pregnancy test of the week. --let me insert here that i DESPISE taking pregnancy tests because it seems to dash my hopes quite harshly. since we started TTC almost 2 years ago, i've only taken 2 because my cycle's been pretty regular and i only start a day or two late...not enough to make me want to waste a test.-- the only reason i took #1 was because i was 5 days late. conrad went over to read it and hesitated to tell me the result, "it says you're not. i didn't want to have to tell you because i know how bad we want it." the reason i was even considering test #2 is because i was 12 days late. 12 days!!! surely the 1st test was a false negative!!! i was running late thursday morning, so i determined i'd take it on friday. however, i didn't need to since aunt flow came to visit thursday at work. how lovely. and how devastating. i usually try to keep my baby daydreaming to a minimum, but after day 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12, it was hard not to get excited about being pregnant and being a mom. at least i didn't waste a test on it. however, i'm once again in the same boat wondering "why?", "how?", "when?" i know God has a plan. I KNOW THIS!! but i am also trying to reign in my emotions. i just read the blog of another woman that dealt with infertility. yesterday was the year anniversary of her 4th round of IUI---and the 4th round worked--she now has a little boy. that's encouraging to me, but it's also a lot of money. our options right now: IUI, $500/cycle (dr. suggests a $1800 test before even trying this); $8,000-10,000 surgery for C (that may or may not help); adoption, $thousands$ (okay, this is extreme since we haven't tried anything else, but it's crossed my mind because it's a sure deal). i know God will provide the money if needed. i also know that a MIRACLE may be up His sleeve. i'm not opposed to that!!!!! okay, i just laid it all out there...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The World of Running...
lately i've been subjecting myself to a form of torture known as running. running long distances (to me!) without training to be exact. a 5k is equal to 3.1 miles (thereabouts--i figured you didn't need the 8 decimal points...). because my friend had a new year's resolution to run a 5k, i decided that i would join her because it'd force me to get in shape, right? notsomuch. due to a busy schedule, kids (hers), and lack of motivation (mine), the running the gap 5k snuck up on us. we held our own and finished in just under 41 minutes, jogging most of the time, mind you. it was 41 minutes of positive self-talk, bodily fatigue, and eventually determination to not let one more person pass us! after we got rehydrated and ate some carbs, we felt like CHAMPIONS!! we had done it!! gracefully, no, but we had accomplished it nontheless. this led us to crazy talk, such as, "just think, if we actually trained, we could do a 10k next year," "a 1/2 marathon wouldn't be that bad," etc. etc. mind you, this was before the week of sore groins, tight calves, and shoulder pains.so how, might you ask, did i allow myself to get sucked in to another 5k race?? i'm still wondering. well, not really. at the starting line of the parks and rec "fun" run, i was wondering, but after i finished, i felt like a million bucks again and felt like i could take on the world. my time this race was 36:46:03. i improved by a bit, even with a few hills thrown into the track. it was also fun because this time, sarah and i were joined by others girls we knew, which made the experience a lot of fun. i even won some $10 socks in the drawing (i know you're jealous). now if i could just get more motivated to train, i would be a happy woman (with less tight muscles). i love how i feel when i exercise, and i just need to make the time. who knows?? maybe a 1/2 marathon is in my (fairly distant) future...
Monday, September 07, 2009
camping in wyoming--granite recreation area...
a few weekends ago, i went camping with my parents. it was such a refreshing and fun time and with such beautiful scenery. every day i thought multiple times wow, God, all of this for us?? i am amazed by His handiwork and know that He enjoyed us enjoying it.
a few weekends ago, i went camping with my parents. it was such a refreshing and fun time and with such beautiful scenery. every day i thought multiple times wow, God, all of this for us?? i am amazed by His handiwork and know that He enjoyed us enjoying it.
we camped only about a 1/2 mile from granite falls. i walked there three times in four days and every time thought that i would just like to stay there for hours. it was amazing...and again, all for us to enjoy! i love my parents and treasured the time we got to spend together (though we all missed pooh and made a unanimous decision that she'd have to join us next year!).
we went to jackson hole one afternoon. we ate at bubba's bbq and it was SO tasty...pulled pork, texas toast, and yummy fries (with ranch, of course). we walked around and looked in a few stores. i decided that a)i am a cheapskate, and b)i am not a "western" type girl. it was nice to walk around though. i also got to call my man for a few minutes while we were in civilization:)
my absolute favorite past-time of the trip was reading. there's something about being in the outdoors, breathing fresh air, hearing the water trickle, and immersing yourself in an excellent book. my book of the trip, the shack. it was absolutely incredible and i think EVERYONE needs to read it. what an amazing picture it was of God's love for us and how He desires to have a relationship with each of us. He could care less what church we go to and what "good works" we do. He just wants US. i personally think i need to read it every 6 months or so, just to remind myself what life is all about. God created us for His pleasure, and He's full of joy when we find peace in him and allow Him to work in our lives. okay, enough about the book, you just need to read it! all in all, it was an amazing, much-needed weekend away. let's do it again sometime!!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
our little farm...
**sugar beets**
contrary to popular belief (one that i had before i started dating a farmer...), sugar comes from more than just sugar cane. sugar beets are another way they process granulated sugar. they use this sugar to sell in stores, as well as to sweeten candy bars, etc. my dad is pretending to eat this ugly little beet (isn't my dad's tour-of-the-farm hat cute?). hopefully the beets will be twice this big by harvest, which should start at the end of september. they are not a beautiful product once harvested, although the green fields are amazing. but because of their purpose in life, i LOVE the little guys!!
**soft white winter & hard red spring wheat**
soft white winter wheat is planted in the fall and grows until frost, goes dormant, and comes back to life in the spring. this is what is used mostly in the US to make processed foods like cereal, malt-o-meal, etc., etc. it can also be used as cow feed. conrad has done excellent with this crop, beating his average yields every year since he started. this year he got close to 135 bushel/acre. one bushel of wheat=60 pounds. prices have been up and down with the economy. we're thankful that we have some contracted with a local feed lot for a good price. we already sold some to general mills and have about 7,000 bushel in a bin waiting for the prices to go back up before we contract any more. the bin below is just the beginning...about 1/5 full at the time the picture was taken.
my parents came out a few sundays ago for the farm tour. conrad gave them a ride in the combine, and i think they both liked it a lot. God blessed us with a great combine. the header (where the wheat goes in) is 25 feet wide. the first year conrad farmed, he used an older combine with only a 15-foot header--talk about slow moving! he said the widest header they make is 40 feet. usually farmers with a lot of ground and/or custom cutters buy these bigger machines.
full house---the cab of the combine with conrad and both my parents above, and the hopper (where the kernels go after they've thrashed through the combine) below.
once the hopper is full, a little alarm beeps in the cab. that's when to go to the truck, put the unloading auger out, and fill up the truck.
once the truck is full, this is what it looks like to get the wheat into the bin. simply back the truck up so the belt is over a bin which is hooked to a large auger that uses a spiral motion to get the grain up into the bin.
hard red spring wheat won't be ready to cut for another 2-3 weeks. because it was planted in the spring, it takes more time to mature. this wheat typically goes for a higher price, but bushel/acre is usually a little lower. conrad's goal for the year is 90 bushel/acre this year. the protein in this wheat is higher, and it typically gets put on a barge to japan to make noodles, etc. **malt barley**
these are the barley fields in rockland (maybe you recognize this from earlier pics before it was ripe...). barley is measured by 48 pounds/bushel, and is contracted by the hundredweight. God blessed this field with a plentiful harvest and it was extra great because at one point, we thought conrad would have to replant due to some crusting issues (dirt too hard to let sprouts through). thank God we didn't have to buy another $3,500 worth of seed!! i think ripe barley is beautiful with the rich color and long beards...it may be my favorite:)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
thankful for the blessing of our home...
tonight we decided we should bring the previous owner's grill to her (we've been meaning to do it all summer, since she called and humbly asked us, saying, "my kids won't go get it"). she and her husband moved into town because they were having trouble getting around and maintaining the home and the acre lawn, garden, flower beds, etc. this was a very bittersweet time for them (99% bitter, 1% sweet). they'd raised their family here, both sons got married in the back yard, and they loved country life. how thankful i am that when she decided to sell (and her kids didn't want it), she came to conrad first. last june (2008), we went over and she showed us the house. each room held a memory. she modestly explained the upgrades/maintenance she and her husband had done throughout the years, and said "this home just really needs a family with kids." despite random people knocking on her door and offers over $100,000 more than what she offered it to us for, she held true to her word and we got the keys in december.
sure, there have been changes we've made, like changing the tangerine walls in the living room to a more modern dark khaki, the peach walls and lacy curtains in the master bedroom to deep garnet and shimmering bronze, and pulling out some evergreen bushes. there's definitely more we'd like to change to update. but, the fact remains, it's a great, solid home with an EXCELLENT location that we plan on being in for a long while.
when we went over tonight, after a few minutes of small-talk outside, she asked, "would you kids like to come in?" we said, "sure." she shared that it was still a hard adjustment living in town and she misses "that place" a lot. i told her i absolutely love all the flowers the planted--the tulips, peonies, roses, oriental poppies, daisies, lilies, etc., that all bloom in their cycle and then make way for the next blooms to show off their beauty. she was thrilled that i admired her flowers so much. she told me to be careful if i dug out by the rosebush in the garden because their one-eyed cat sylvester is buried there..."if you start digging into a yellow towel-stop!" at one point she said, "you kids are so sweet." more than once, she got tears in her eyes as she talked about the old house, or the changes she and her husband were trying to adjust to in town. when we were going to leave, she shook conrad's hand and then reached her arms out to me for a big hug. and i mean BIG hug...it was a genuine, long but not too long, heartfelt grandma hug. she said, "now you guys have lots of kids to fill up that house. that house needs kids." conrad said, "we'll work on it." she walked us outside and after a few more minutes, we said good night for real this time. again, she reached out to me for a hug. it was another *good* hug:) i thanked her for doing such a great job with the home and for giving conrad and i a chance at buying it. as we pulled away from the embrace, she had tears in her eyes and said, "i'm so happy for you two." i told her i'd like to have her and her husband out for dinner sometime after harvest and she said she'd love that.
thank you, God, for everything you've done to provide us with a beautiful home. we're so undeserving! help us to be good stewards and bless this precious woman and her husband who passed the home on to us. help her to see You in us in every interaction.
tonight we decided we should bring the previous owner's grill to her (we've been meaning to do it all summer, since she called and humbly asked us, saying, "my kids won't go get it"). she and her husband moved into town because they were having trouble getting around and maintaining the home and the acre lawn, garden, flower beds, etc. this was a very bittersweet time for them (99% bitter, 1% sweet). they'd raised their family here, both sons got married in the back yard, and they loved country life. how thankful i am that when she decided to sell (and her kids didn't want it), she came to conrad first. last june (2008), we went over and she showed us the house. each room held a memory. she modestly explained the upgrades/maintenance she and her husband had done throughout the years, and said "this home just really needs a family with kids." despite random people knocking on her door and offers over $100,000 more than what she offered it to us for, she held true to her word and we got the keys in december.
sure, there have been changes we've made, like changing the tangerine walls in the living room to a more modern dark khaki, the peach walls and lacy curtains in the master bedroom to deep garnet and shimmering bronze, and pulling out some evergreen bushes. there's definitely more we'd like to change to update. but, the fact remains, it's a great, solid home with an EXCELLENT location that we plan on being in for a long while.
when we went over tonight, after a few minutes of small-talk outside, she asked, "would you kids like to come in?" we said, "sure." she shared that it was still a hard adjustment living in town and she misses "that place" a lot. i told her i absolutely love all the flowers the planted--the tulips, peonies, roses, oriental poppies, daisies, lilies, etc., that all bloom in their cycle and then make way for the next blooms to show off their beauty. she was thrilled that i admired her flowers so much. she told me to be careful if i dug out by the rosebush in the garden because their one-eyed cat sylvester is buried there..."if you start digging into a yellow towel-stop!" at one point she said, "you kids are so sweet." more than once, she got tears in her eyes as she talked about the old house, or the changes she and her husband were trying to adjust to in town. when we were going to leave, she shook conrad's hand and then reached her arms out to me for a big hug. and i mean BIG hug...it was a genuine, long but not too long, heartfelt grandma hug. she said, "now you guys have lots of kids to fill up that house. that house needs kids." conrad said, "we'll work on it." she walked us outside and after a few more minutes, we said good night for real this time. again, she reached out to me for a hug. it was another *good* hug:) i thanked her for doing such a great job with the home and for giving conrad and i a chance at buying it. as we pulled away from the embrace, she had tears in her eyes and said, "i'm so happy for you two." i told her i'd like to have her and her husband out for dinner sometime after harvest and she said she'd love that.
thank you, God, for everything you've done to provide us with a beautiful home. we're so undeserving! help us to be good stewards and bless this precious woman and her husband who passed the home on to us. help her to see You in us in every interaction.
Monday, August 03, 2009
back to part-time...
today was my first day back to my part-time schedule--mondays and wednesdays off. full-time had its perks; more money to put toward emergency fund/getting prego, getting to know my co-workers better, becoming more competent at my job. throughout working full-time for 8 weeks, i would always think if i was home, i could be doing ______. or ________. or ________. after work, i didn't feel bad about acting like a zombie after 8 hours on my feet and dealing with the public. now i'm back to part-time. it was nice to sleep until 9:30. it was nice to do some yardwork with my kids until i couldn't stand sweating one more second. it was nice to not get ready for the day or have to find an outfit to squeeze into. it was nice to do laundry, put a movie in, and try to organize part of the office. and it has been nice to see conrad a few times during the day.
all that said.......i think i'm coming to a realization that i have to find a balance between overachiever mode and being a lazy butt. sure, there are things that need to be done, and i'm not going to let my house fall apart, but i also need to enjoy my time off. today i made the comment to conrad "i kinda wish i was still working full-time", which was my way of saying i wish i felt more productive today. i have to admit, i loved his response. he adamantly responded, "no! i want you to be able to relax. read, take a nap, play with the kids. now you have a few more days you can spend time with them, and i won't get to for a few more months. that would be awesome." isn't that cute?? :) jack and gracie love, love, LOVE attention and even "talk" to us now (now i'm starting to sound like the crazy cat lady...). i'm glad conrad doesn't have lofty expectations of me. now if i can let go of some of the expectations of myself... how can i resist more time with my kids:)
**jack&gracie**
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken (from the album Into The Light)
I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why
I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand
When every little thing that
I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know
You're not shaken
I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes
And trust this is Your plan
When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
***okay, i decided to blog something worthwhile....this song says it all for me right now.....now if only i can believe it...
I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why
I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand
When every little thing that
I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know
You're not shaken
I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes
And trust this is Your plan
When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
***okay, i decided to blog something worthwhile....this song says it all for me right now.....now if only i can believe it...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
small town shoppin'...
i usually only go shopping at the local supermarket if absolutely necessary or if i see a few good sale items in the ad. last week they had strawberries and raspberries for only $1.50, way less than anywhere in poky. however, there are other items that are outrageously priced and must be for those desparate people who can't/won't drive to the "big" city to hit up winco. anyway...one thing about grocery shopping in my little town is that they always have a bag-boy who is also the one who brings your purchases to your car. at first, it's a little embarassing having a shy teenage boy walk with you to the car, pushing your cart. however, today i was thinking you know, this is kinda cute and it's great service that they can't offer at the bigger stores in bigger cities. so even though i only got 3 gallons of milk and one bag-full of items, i was provided with service with a smile:) made me smile today:)
i usually only go shopping at the local supermarket if absolutely necessary or if i see a few good sale items in the ad. last week they had strawberries and raspberries for only $1.50, way less than anywhere in poky. however, there are other items that are outrageously priced and must be for those desparate people who can't/won't drive to the "big" city to hit up winco. anyway...one thing about grocery shopping in my little town is that they always have a bag-boy who is also the one who brings your purchases to your car. at first, it's a little embarassing having a shy teenage boy walk with you to the car, pushing your cart. however, today i was thinking you know, this is kinda cute and it's great service that they can't offer at the bigger stores in bigger cities. so even though i only got 3 gallons of milk and one bag-full of items, i was provided with service with a smile:) made me smile today:)
Monday, June 22, 2009
i don't understand...
yeah, there's a lot i don't understand about life right now, but let me just vent about one of them. conrad works his butt off doing the absolute best job a person can do on all his crops. he gives up sleep, time with me, health, financial security, etc. to do what he loves and provide a service to everyone who likes to eat. his dad does a less than mediocre job, always running late (still hasn't planted his barley, maybe won't...), makes insurance claims that in my mind are fraudulent (90% of the time), takes advantage of people (his favorite being his own son), and yet gets away with it all. the hail that hit yesterday demolished conrad's spring wheat crop. the fall wheat is okay, but was also hit hard. the beets look as if someone shot holes in all the leaves (but they will be resilient b/c of the stage they're in/chemicals conrad's putting on). his dad's stuff is so late that it wasn't at all affected by the hail. once again, saved by mediocrity. what is up with this??? isn't there a verse in the Bible about the wicked being prosperous? i know it only means prosperity in this life, and i'm not calling his dad wicked through and through...but. grrrr. sometimes i question things that happen to conrad and i and wonder when (if ever) things will be normal...having a family, financial stability, him reaping the rewards of the excellence he displays in everything he does. i do know i am tremendously blessed in a lot of ways: an amazing husband, an awesome family, great friends, wonderful kids (jack and gracie lou), a beautiful home (though we've comtemplated more than once whether we can keep it or not), and lots of freedoms. one of these days things will look brighter......i've gotta stay believin'. there's my rant and rave, and believe it or not, i held back:)
yeah, there's a lot i don't understand about life right now, but let me just vent about one of them. conrad works his butt off doing the absolute best job a person can do on all his crops. he gives up sleep, time with me, health, financial security, etc. to do what he loves and provide a service to everyone who likes to eat. his dad does a less than mediocre job, always running late (still hasn't planted his barley, maybe won't...), makes insurance claims that in my mind are fraudulent (90% of the time), takes advantage of people (his favorite being his own son), and yet gets away with it all. the hail that hit yesterday demolished conrad's spring wheat crop. the fall wheat is okay, but was also hit hard. the beets look as if someone shot holes in all the leaves (but they will be resilient b/c of the stage they're in/chemicals conrad's putting on). his dad's stuff is so late that it wasn't at all affected by the hail. once again, saved by mediocrity. what is up with this??? isn't there a verse in the Bible about the wicked being prosperous? i know it only means prosperity in this life, and i'm not calling his dad wicked through and through...but. grrrr. sometimes i question things that happen to conrad and i and wonder when (if ever) things will be normal...having a family, financial stability, him reaping the rewards of the excellence he displays in everything he does. i do know i am tremendously blessed in a lot of ways: an amazing husband, an awesome family, great friends, wonderful kids (jack and gracie lou), a beautiful home (though we've comtemplated more than once whether we can keep it or not), and lots of freedoms. one of these days things will look brighter......i've gotta stay believin'. there's my rant and rave, and believe it or not, i held back:)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
something to lift the mood...
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
HAHA!! i needed a laugh tonight:)
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
HAHA!! i needed a laugh tonight:)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
my hot farmer man...
in case no one has guessed...and i probably don't say it enough...i am absolutely amazed by and in love with my farmer husband. he's such a hard worker--persistent, demonstrates endurance, and focused. this shows when one looks at his fields. the crops look GREAT this year. they do every year, but there's just something about this year that makes us think that the yields will beat his last 4 years. the rain has been a blessing from God...usually we're paying thousands a month for power to irrigate/crossing our fingers that the dry farm wheat won't burn up/hoping for time together since conrad has to watch and move irrigation systems. this year, he hasn't even turned the irrigation on at the malt barley field, and it looks amazing! God blessed this field, as well, because about 6 weeks ago, conrad and i went to look at it and the dirt was crusted over, inhibiting the seeds from breaking out of the ground. we dug and saw that they had sprouted, but the hard dirt was making them curl back over and stay under. conrad called around and tried an option that was the last resort before reseeding ($3000 just for seed! thank God he didn't have to do it twice!). we were praying this would do the trick and it did! conrad went last week to check on the crop and said he started laughing when he pulled up. i had the same response monday night when we went to see it...here's a few pictures...i think the landscape is just beautiful. he has some barley under a pivot (the round part in the backround) and some under wheel-lines. this is just one of his amazing fields:) thank you, God for your blessing on his farming this year!!
in case no one has guessed...and i probably don't say it enough...i am absolutely amazed by and in love with my farmer husband. he's such a hard worker--persistent, demonstrates endurance, and focused. this shows when one looks at his fields. the crops look GREAT this year. they do every year, but there's just something about this year that makes us think that the yields will beat his last 4 years. the rain has been a blessing from God...usually we're paying thousands a month for power to irrigate/crossing our fingers that the dry farm wheat won't burn up/hoping for time together since conrad has to watch and move irrigation systems. this year, he hasn't even turned the irrigation on at the malt barley field, and it looks amazing! God blessed this field, as well, because about 6 weeks ago, conrad and i went to look at it and the dirt was crusted over, inhibiting the seeds from breaking out of the ground. we dug and saw that they had sprouted, but the hard dirt was making them curl back over and stay under. conrad called around and tried an option that was the last resort before reseeding ($3000 just for seed! thank God he didn't have to do it twice!). we were praying this would do the trick and it did! conrad went last week to check on the crop and said he started laughing when he pulled up. i had the same response monday night when we went to see it...here's a few pictures...i think the landscape is just beautiful. he has some barley under a pivot (the round part in the backround) and some under wheel-lines. this is just one of his amazing fields:) thank you, God for your blessing on his farming this year!!
Sunday, June 07, 2009
the freshness of it all...
today we went to church at the church conrad grew up in. it's had its share of trials...splits, lack of commitment, etc. attendance has been pretty meager since i can remember going with conrad while we were dating. i've never preferred the worship...old style, slow, everyone sits down. and though the messages are good and the people are sincere, i'll admit i've had a bit of compassion because i know of the trials, but also a bad attitude about me not getting fed when i go there. i've been convicted about it over that last year or two----believe it or not, it's not all about me...who woulda thought?? they got a new pastor about a year ago and he's done an amazing job of bringing what's left of the congregation together, and also in outreaching to the community. a couple followed him to idaho to do youth ministry. the open gym on friday nights has gone from 4 to 40. teens are hungry for positive relationships and for Jesus. there was probably 75 people there today...the most i've ever seen for a sunday morning church service. this is up from the usualy 15-20 a year ago and has been a regular amount for a few months now. there was a special speaker/singer there today who was very in tune with the holy spirit and did a mix of singing songs she and her songwriter have written and talking about different aspects of God/patriotism/etc. people were very touched. i saw some old christians wiping away tears, but most of us sat there and enjoyed the beat of the music (how sad is that...?). what touched me was the response from some of the people who have begun attending this church in the past 6 months or so. grown men weeping, a mother who had come to watch her 14 yr old get baptized got a special word from God, and the overall positive response to the altar call. PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY!! basically what i've been thinking, without going on all day, is that after years of walking with the Lord, i've become complacent. i don't think i'm the only one. we sit in our little church seats and do our weekly "duty" by gracing the church with our presence, paying our tithe (well, studies show 3% of us do) and give ourselves a pat on our back. this is NOT what it's all about. yeah, we have our little "highs" but those are all about us. what if we all started doing things because of JESUS??......reaching out, bringing people, getting involved in our church so we can have programs, speaking positively about our church family, praying faithfully for our leaders, etc, etc. i'm so sick of people (myself included) complaining, but yet not doing anything to change the situation. satan loves complaining, especially about the church/pastor/body, because it makes us weak, individually and corporately. God, bring back the excitement of sharing my faith in you, give me a passion for my little town and for my big town, help me to be a good example, help me to speak positively of my church body and leaders, and help me to draw people to you!!!! because it sure isn't about me.
okay, there's a wee bit of my soap box.....
today we went to church at the church conrad grew up in. it's had its share of trials...splits, lack of commitment, etc. attendance has been pretty meager since i can remember going with conrad while we were dating. i've never preferred the worship...old style, slow, everyone sits down. and though the messages are good and the people are sincere, i'll admit i've had a bit of compassion because i know of the trials, but also a bad attitude about me not getting fed when i go there. i've been convicted about it over that last year or two----believe it or not, it's not all about me...who woulda thought?? they got a new pastor about a year ago and he's done an amazing job of bringing what's left of the congregation together, and also in outreaching to the community. a couple followed him to idaho to do youth ministry. the open gym on friday nights has gone from 4 to 40. teens are hungry for positive relationships and for Jesus. there was probably 75 people there today...the most i've ever seen for a sunday morning church service. this is up from the usualy 15-20 a year ago and has been a regular amount for a few months now. there was a special speaker/singer there today who was very in tune with the holy spirit and did a mix of singing songs she and her songwriter have written and talking about different aspects of God/patriotism/etc. people were very touched. i saw some old christians wiping away tears, but most of us sat there and enjoyed the beat of the music (how sad is that...?). what touched me was the response from some of the people who have begun attending this church in the past 6 months or so. grown men weeping, a mother who had come to watch her 14 yr old get baptized got a special word from God, and the overall positive response to the altar call. PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY!! basically what i've been thinking, without going on all day, is that after years of walking with the Lord, i've become complacent. i don't think i'm the only one. we sit in our little church seats and do our weekly "duty" by gracing the church with our presence, paying our tithe (well, studies show 3% of us do) and give ourselves a pat on our back. this is NOT what it's all about. yeah, we have our little "highs" but those are all about us. what if we all started doing things because of JESUS??......reaching out, bringing people, getting involved in our church so we can have programs, speaking positively about our church family, praying faithfully for our leaders, etc, etc. i'm so sick of people (myself included) complaining, but yet not doing anything to change the situation. satan loves complaining, especially about the church/pastor/body, because it makes us weak, individually and corporately. God, bring back the excitement of sharing my faith in you, give me a passion for my little town and for my big town, help me to be a good example, help me to speak positively of my church body and leaders, and help me to draw people to you!!!! because it sure isn't about me.
okay, there's a wee bit of my soap box.....
Saturday, May 30, 2009
beware!!...
now that we have a patio, i thought i'd put out a frog solar light that conrad's grandma and uncle gave me for my birthday a few years ago. is it something i would've picked out?? no, but it's pretty cute in its own sort of way and so the other night i took it out and read the instructions (it's supposed to have solar activated lights and such). i found a few of the "important safety instructions" a little over the top:
*dress properly: protective, electrically nonconductive clothes and nonskid footwear are recommended when working with the Smiling Frog Solar Light. wear restrictive hair covering to contain long hair.
*use eye protection: always wear ANSI approved impact safety goggles when setting up this product.
*do not overreach: keep proper footing and balance at all times.
*do not set up the solar light if under the influence of alcohol or drugs: read warning labels on prescriptions to determine if your judgment or reflexes are impaired while taking drugs. if there is any doubt, do not set up the Smiling Frog Solar Light.
*the Smiling Frog Solar Light is not waterproof and must not be set in water such as pools and ponds. (dang, i wanted to bathe with it!)
and last but not least, a disclaimer to release the Smiling Frog Solar Light people of any liability:
*WARNING: the warnings, cautions, and instructions discussed in this instruction manual cannot cover all possible conditions and situations that may occur. it must be understood by the operator that common sense and caution are factors which cannot be built into this product, but must be supplied by the operator.
***couldn't we have said this from the beginning?? too bad many people lack "common" sense, but i guess it gives those of us WITH it a good laugh while reading through the manual for our Smiling Frog Solar Light!!
now that we have a patio, i thought i'd put out a frog solar light that conrad's grandma and uncle gave me for my birthday a few years ago. is it something i would've picked out?? no, but it's pretty cute in its own sort of way and so the other night i took it out and read the instructions (it's supposed to have solar activated lights and such). i found a few of the "important safety instructions" a little over the top:
*dress properly: protective, electrically nonconductive clothes and nonskid footwear are recommended when working with the Smiling Frog Solar Light. wear restrictive hair covering to contain long hair.
*use eye protection: always wear ANSI approved impact safety goggles when setting up this product.
*do not overreach: keep proper footing and balance at all times.
*do not set up the solar light if under the influence of alcohol or drugs: read warning labels on prescriptions to determine if your judgment or reflexes are impaired while taking drugs. if there is any doubt, do not set up the Smiling Frog Solar Light.
*the Smiling Frog Solar Light is not waterproof and must not be set in water such as pools and ponds. (dang, i wanted to bathe with it!)
and last but not least, a disclaimer to release the Smiling Frog Solar Light people of any liability:
*WARNING: the warnings, cautions, and instructions discussed in this instruction manual cannot cover all possible conditions and situations that may occur. it must be understood by the operator that common sense and caution are factors which cannot be built into this product, but must be supplied by the operator.
***couldn't we have said this from the beginning?? too bad many people lack "common" sense, but i guess it gives those of us WITH it a good laugh while reading through the manual for our Smiling Frog Solar Light!!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
there is an empty room...
"There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps;
Just a rocking chair, a teddy bear,
The baby clothes they keep.
It is a quiet room
With everything in its place;
But no happy sighs or lullabies,
No child in their embrace.
There is an empty crip
In the corner, tucked away;
The gentle light of the moon shines bright
As they kneel by the crib to pray...
'Remove all bitter thoughts,
Your will is what we seek.
Dry our tears and calm our fears,
Lift us up, for we are weak.'
There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps.
But they know the love of a Father above,
And His promises He keeps."
from When the Cradle is Empty
though i read this poem before when i started to read this book a few months ago, i found it again as i was searching for my own solace, as well as getting the book ready to bring to a friend who miscarried (for the 2nd time). i saw her yesterday for the first time since the loss and as crocodile tears rolled down her face and i embraced her, too choked up for a quick reply, my heart broke. we are both so hopeful for a baby to come into our lives. we both have a room that's waiting--with plans of how to fix it up, we both have some clothes waiting for a little warm body to fill them, and we both are experiencing heartache that's difficult to understand except for by those who have walked the same lonely road. as conrad and i were talking about our plans for our house by priority, he interuppted me as i skipped over a room and said, "isn't the baby's room next?" i know he thinks about it more than he lets on. we will continue to pray for a miracle, whether it be physical (healing in conrad and i) or financial (in-vitro, art.insem, adoption). i also pray for peace, patience, and comfort for every person who is experiencing this type of quiet grief.
"There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps;
Just a rocking chair, a teddy bear,
The baby clothes they keep.
It is a quiet room
With everything in its place;
But no happy sighs or lullabies,
No child in their embrace.
There is an empty crip
In the corner, tucked away;
The gentle light of the moon shines bright
As they kneel by the crib to pray...
'Remove all bitter thoughts,
Your will is what we seek.
Dry our tears and calm our fears,
Lift us up, for we are weak.'
There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps.
But they know the love of a Father above,
And His promises He keeps."
from When the Cradle is Empty
though i read this poem before when i started to read this book a few months ago, i found it again as i was searching for my own solace, as well as getting the book ready to bring to a friend who miscarried (for the 2nd time). i saw her yesterday for the first time since the loss and as crocodile tears rolled down her face and i embraced her, too choked up for a quick reply, my heart broke. we are both so hopeful for a baby to come into our lives. we both have a room that's waiting--with plans of how to fix it up, we both have some clothes waiting for a little warm body to fill them, and we both are experiencing heartache that's difficult to understand except for by those who have walked the same lonely road. as conrad and i were talking about our plans for our house by priority, he interuppted me as i skipped over a room and said, "isn't the baby's room next?" i know he thinks about it more than he lets on. we will continue to pray for a miracle, whether it be physical (healing in conrad and i) or financial (in-vitro, art.insem, adoption). i also pray for peace, patience, and comfort for every person who is experiencing this type of quiet grief.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
perspective...
although i've gone through hard times, and sure i will go through more in the future, God is showing me that i need to not be so self-focused. i learned last weekend that my personality type, "melancholy," can include, to name a few negative sides, negative thinking and self-focus. God help me! last night i heard about a close friend miscarrying. my heart broke. we had already gone shopping for baby clothes and talked oodles about names, nursery ideas, and how excited she and especially her husband were. what a letdown. even though i'm walking the road of infertility, i thank God that i haven't had to walk the miscarriage road. i can't imagine such a loss. then at work today my co-worker got a phone call that her apartment complex was on fire. she left in a hurry to check on her dog who was in the apt. thankfully her husband and 3 girls were gone. she didn't return for hours and when we finally heard back from her, she was in tears as she told my other co-worker over the phone that it was her apartment that was on fire. it started in the kitchen and i'm not sure at this point how far it spread. God, thank you for protecting me from these things and thank you for reminding me to focus outward...
although i've gone through hard times, and sure i will go through more in the future, God is showing me that i need to not be so self-focused. i learned last weekend that my personality type, "melancholy," can include, to name a few negative sides, negative thinking and self-focus. God help me! last night i heard about a close friend miscarrying. my heart broke. we had already gone shopping for baby clothes and talked oodles about names, nursery ideas, and how excited she and especially her husband were. what a letdown. even though i'm walking the road of infertility, i thank God that i haven't had to walk the miscarriage road. i can't imagine such a loss. then at work today my co-worker got a phone call that her apartment complex was on fire. she left in a hurry to check on her dog who was in the apt. thankfully her husband and 3 girls were gone. she didn't return for hours and when we finally heard back from her, she was in tears as she told my other co-worker over the phone that it was her apartment that was on fire. it started in the kitchen and i'm not sure at this point how far it spread. God, thank you for protecting me from these things and thank you for reminding me to focus outward...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
where do your eggs come from???
today i experienced something new. although every day is filled with new knowledge about farm-related things, and weeks usually contain at least one new experience, i have not yet had the pleasure of gathering eggs. although i have been indulging in farm-fresh eggs since conrad's grandma's chickens started laying this fall, i have never hand-picked them myself. today, since the rest of the family was gone, conrad asked if i would go with him to let the geese out and gather eggs. why not?? i felt brave as i stepped into the chicken coop. i didn't let the rooster's loud announcement of a stranger scare me off...no, i was on a mission. i quickly went over where the hens sit and grabbed an egg out of two separate compartments that did not have a mother hen sitting on them. i felt good about things. conrad gracefully reached under a sitting hen and pulled out 2 EGGS! a treasure!! a chicken who was randomly sitting on the "bunk beds" (that's what they're like...different compartments) flew by me screeching. conrad handed me the hot eggs and i added them to my recycled egg carton. then it was my turn to reach under a hen. it took me about 5 minutes to do it, and conrad wouldn't let me out of it, despite my pleading. i finally got up the courage, pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand in case she pecked, and wiggled my fingers to get her to shift her body up so i could grab the prize. this was awkward for all involved. after all this...no egg!! all this suspense and i got the chicken who hadn't yet laid her egg for the day...how rude! oh well, i got some farm-fresh eggs from the others today and have to say that it's fun to see the different eggs--some white, some not; some smooth-shelled, some wrinkly; some oval, some round. never the same egg twice! now i wanna know how the store has them all uniform...genetic engineering?? who knows?? i do wash my eggs before i use them...just because i know the whole process...but that's the least of it. all i know is...i like my eggs and i like that they're free, organic, and tasty!!
today i experienced something new. although every day is filled with new knowledge about farm-related things, and weeks usually contain at least one new experience, i have not yet had the pleasure of gathering eggs. although i have been indulging in farm-fresh eggs since conrad's grandma's chickens started laying this fall, i have never hand-picked them myself. today, since the rest of the family was gone, conrad asked if i would go with him to let the geese out and gather eggs. why not?? i felt brave as i stepped into the chicken coop. i didn't let the rooster's loud announcement of a stranger scare me off...no, i was on a mission. i quickly went over where the hens sit and grabbed an egg out of two separate compartments that did not have a mother hen sitting on them. i felt good about things. conrad gracefully reached under a sitting hen and pulled out 2 EGGS! a treasure!! a chicken who was randomly sitting on the "bunk beds" (that's what they're like...different compartments) flew by me screeching. conrad handed me the hot eggs and i added them to my recycled egg carton. then it was my turn to reach under a hen. it took me about 5 minutes to do it, and conrad wouldn't let me out of it, despite my pleading. i finally got up the courage, pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand in case she pecked, and wiggled my fingers to get her to shift her body up so i could grab the prize. this was awkward for all involved. after all this...no egg!! all this suspense and i got the chicken who hadn't yet laid her egg for the day...how rude! oh well, i got some farm-fresh eggs from the others today and have to say that it's fun to see the different eggs--some white, some not; some smooth-shelled, some wrinkly; some oval, some round. never the same egg twice! now i wanna know how the store has them all uniform...genetic engineering?? who knows?? i do wash my eggs before i use them...just because i know the whole process...but that's the least of it. all i know is...i like my eggs and i like that they're free, organic, and tasty!!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
this book was EXCELLENT and is highly recommended to anyone in a situation similar to mine. when the cradle is empty:answering tough questions about infertility was written by john and sylvia van regenmorter, a christian couple who dealt with infertility, and gives great perspective from the female and male view. this afternoon i was thinking i'm done with the baby thing...whatever. it's so draining in every sense of the word. you feel emotions you never thought possible. physically you're drained. mentally overwhelmed. spiritually shaken. i could go on and on, but i won't.:) anyway...this book brought some normalcy to my current struggle and i very much appreciated it. although i feel very much alone right now in dealing with this, it was nice to read about others who've gone through the same thing and be assured that i'm not totally crazy (this may still be up for debate...). i'm glad i decided to finish it tonight, as it's very timely and i need God's strength to keep moving forward.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
they're everywhere!!!....
everywhere i look, there are pregnant people. i work with one. they're at church. they're my close friends. they're strangers at target. i went to a continuing ed thing yesterday in IF and saw a girl and her hubby that have been at this same training for the 3 years i have. she was pregnant during the first one, had her baby with her for the second one, and was pregnant yesterday. seriously. i pray that one of these days i can BE one of these women. i also talked to a girl i graduated with yesterday and she told me they had adopted a baby because they couldn't get pregnant. they did it 3 years ago and want to have more kids, but just barely paid off the $28,000 bill from the first little guy. i pray that she and her husband will get pregnant (a miracle) or that they'd be blessed in finances!!! God, sometimes i just don't understand you...
but, i WILL trust you...
there's no other way i can deal...
everywhere i look, there are pregnant people. i work with one. they're at church. they're my close friends. they're strangers at target. i went to a continuing ed thing yesterday in IF and saw a girl and her hubby that have been at this same training for the 3 years i have. she was pregnant during the first one, had her baby with her for the second one, and was pregnant yesterday. seriously. i pray that one of these days i can BE one of these women. i also talked to a girl i graduated with yesterday and she told me they had adopted a baby because they couldn't get pregnant. they did it 3 years ago and want to have more kids, but just barely paid off the $28,000 bill from the first little guy. i pray that she and her husband will get pregnant (a miracle) or that they'd be blessed in finances!!! God, sometimes i just don't understand you...
but, i WILL trust you...
there's no other way i can deal...
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
tamales...
living in a town that's 60% hispanic (give or take), i have the benefit of having access to authentic, home-cooked mexican food. last week on thursday, i bought a dozen tamales from a woman who sells them to make money. my co-workers were raving about them, so i gave in. i went to the local grocery store to get some enchilada sauce to put over them, knowing i had cheese at home. i figured i'd follow my co-workers simple instructions for heating up tamales in a very yummy fashion. i was excited to try them and serve them to conrad:) i took about 5 out of the package and put them in a pan. i poured enchilada sauce over them and sprinkled them with cheese. after 10 minutes at 350 degrees, they smelled so good and looked like a masterpiece!
i served a few to conrad and before i could sit down, he said, "i think i'm going to need a knife."
i was like, "okay," and got him a knife.
he then said, "are you sure we're supposed to eat the whole thing?",
to which i responded, "yeah, i think so, no one told me different. it's just a corn husk."
he took a bite and quickly said, "whoa, honey, i don't think you're supposed to eat the outside."
once i started in on my own portion, i quickly realized that someone had failed to mention the minor detail of unwrapping the tamales BEFORE the toppings and BEFORE consumption!! i told my co-workers the next day and they laughed hard. good ice-breaker!! the next day i ate tacos and burritos with homemade tortillas...i ate too many, they were SO good. yeah for yummy mexican food!! however, i do need to limit my self so i don't get a mc-bellyache!!
living in a town that's 60% hispanic (give or take), i have the benefit of having access to authentic, home-cooked mexican food. last week on thursday, i bought a dozen tamales from a woman who sells them to make money. my co-workers were raving about them, so i gave in. i went to the local grocery store to get some enchilada sauce to put over them, knowing i had cheese at home. i figured i'd follow my co-workers simple instructions for heating up tamales in a very yummy fashion. i was excited to try them and serve them to conrad:) i took about 5 out of the package and put them in a pan. i poured enchilada sauce over them and sprinkled them with cheese. after 10 minutes at 350 degrees, they smelled so good and looked like a masterpiece!
i served a few to conrad and before i could sit down, he said, "i think i'm going to need a knife."
i was like, "okay," and got him a knife.
he then said, "are you sure we're supposed to eat the whole thing?",
to which i responded, "yeah, i think so, no one told me different. it's just a corn husk."
he took a bite and quickly said, "whoa, honey, i don't think you're supposed to eat the outside."
once i started in on my own portion, i quickly realized that someone had failed to mention the minor detail of unwrapping the tamales BEFORE the toppings and BEFORE consumption!! i told my co-workers the next day and they laughed hard. good ice-breaker!! the next day i ate tacos and burritos with homemade tortillas...i ate too many, they were SO good. yeah for yummy mexican food!! however, i do need to limit my self so i don't get a mc-bellyache!!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
sufficient by adie camp
Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
In your mercy in the promise you made
Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away
Cause when I am weak your strength is complete
It's perfect
Completely all I need
Sufficient for me
Your grace and peace are perfect
Completely all I need
You're all that I need
In my weakness I'm finding your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening
When I call out your name
I'll find you when I seek
I'll look for you with all of my heart
And I'll find you when I'm weak
Cause you are strong
Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you
Hear my prayer Lord and carry my through
Carry me through
Saturday, March 21, 2009
the rock and worship roadshow tour...
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.
we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.
we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...
***mediocre pics on facebook:)
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.
we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.
we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...
***mediocre pics on facebook:)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
i feel like a yo-yo...
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
a breath of fresh air...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!
after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!
after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
a little hope...
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
bummer day...but it sure ended better than it started!...
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....
it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....
it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
where's the balance in faith?...
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i got bored yesterday...
after puttering around the house yesterday doing this and that, putting things away, etc., i had a lull and thought what should i do now? take a bath? read? as i was standing in one of the bedrooms (for now the guest room, someday the baby's room) i decided to see how hard it'd be to take down the hideous light pink/white lacey-looking wallpaper. this was the result of my boredom. now to figure out how to get off the leftover residue (the entryway wallpaper was not nearly as tough!)...
Friday, January 09, 2009
the living room transformation...
i'm finally posting some pics from the changes that occured in my "tangerina" living room/heavily leafed wallpapered entry-way (feel free to come and see it in person, it looks better that way):
***this lovely wallpaper was complete was stringy strings that ran vertically every 1/8 inch or so. conrad enjoyed tearing it out...and don't you just love the orange!! the room had 70s orange furniture in it when we first looked at the house...
***even the white primer made a huge difference...thanks for the help, susan! conrad and susan were the roller champs...i'm more ADHD and kept moving from corners to edges to around sockets with the paintbrush. 
***the finished product!! "firewood" is a lovely color, not too dark, but not too light. i love the contrast of the crown moulding and can't wait to get my furniture in there and have our first shindig!!!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
a positve note...
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!
another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!
another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.
Monday, January 05, 2009
frustration...
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.
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