i don't understand...
yeah, there's a lot i don't understand about life right now, but let me just vent about one of them. conrad works his butt off doing the absolute best job a person can do on all his crops. he gives up sleep, time with me, health, financial security, etc. to do what he loves and provide a service to everyone who likes to eat. his dad does a less than mediocre job, always running late (still hasn't planted his barley, maybe won't...), makes insurance claims that in my mind are fraudulent (90% of the time), takes advantage of people (his favorite being his own son), and yet gets away with it all. the hail that hit yesterday demolished conrad's spring wheat crop. the fall wheat is okay, but was also hit hard. the beets look as if someone shot holes in all the leaves (but they will be resilient b/c of the stage they're in/chemicals conrad's putting on). his dad's stuff is so late that it wasn't at all affected by the hail. once again, saved by mediocrity. what is up with this??? isn't there a verse in the Bible about the wicked being prosperous? i know it only means prosperity in this life, and i'm not calling his dad wicked through and through...but. grrrr. sometimes i question things that happen to conrad and i and wonder when (if ever) things will be normal...having a family, financial stability, him reaping the rewards of the excellence he displays in everything he does. i do know i am tremendously blessed in a lot of ways: an amazing husband, an awesome family, great friends, wonderful kids (jack and gracie lou), a beautiful home (though we've comtemplated more than once whether we can keep it or not), and lots of freedoms. one of these days things will look brighter......i've gotta stay believin'. there's my rant and rave, and believe it or not, i held back:)

something to lift the mood...
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

HAHA!! i needed a laugh tonight:)

my hot farmer man...
in case no one has guessed...and i probably don't say it enough...i am absolutely amazed by and in love with my farmer husband. he's such a hard worker--persistent, demonstrates endurance, and focused. this shows when one looks at his fields. the crops look GREAT this year. they do every year, but there's just something about this year that makes us think that the yields will beat his last 4 years. the rain has been a blessing from God...usually we're paying thousands a month for power to irrigate/crossing our fingers that the dry farm wheat won't burn up/hoping for time together since conrad has to watch and move irrigation systems. this year, he hasn't even turned the irrigation on at the malt barley field, and it looks amazing! God blessed this field, as well, because about 6 weeks ago, conrad and i went to look at it and the dirt was crusted over, inhibiting the seeds from breaking out of the ground. we dug and saw that they had sprouted, but the hard dirt was making them curl back over and stay under. conrad called around and tried an option that was the last resort before reseeding ($3000 just for seed! thank God he didn't have to do it twice!). we were praying this would do the trick and it did! conrad went last week to check on the crop and said he started laughing when he pulled up. i had the same response monday night when we went to see it...here's a few pictures...i think the landscape is just beautiful. he has some barley under a pivot (the round part in the backround) and some under wheel-lines. this is just one of his amazing fields:) thank you, God for your blessing on his farming this year!!

the freshness of it all...
today we went to church at the church conrad grew up in. it's had its share of trials...splits, lack of commitment, etc. attendance has been pretty meager since i can remember going with conrad while we were dating. i've never preferred the worship...old style, slow, everyone sits down. and though the messages are good and the people are sincere, i'll admit i've had a bit of compassion because i know of the trials, but also a bad attitude about me not getting fed when i go there. i've been convicted about it over that last year or two----believe it or not, it's not all about me...who woulda thought?? they got a new pastor about a year ago and he's done an amazing job of bringing what's left of the congregation together, and also in outreaching to the community. a couple followed him to idaho to do youth ministry. the open gym on friday nights has gone from 4 to 40. teens are hungry for positive relationships and for Jesus. there was probably 75 people there today...the most i've ever seen for a sunday morning church service. this is up from the usualy 15-20 a year ago and has been a regular amount for a few months now. there was a special speaker/singer there today who was very in tune with the holy spirit and did a mix of singing songs she and her songwriter have written and talking about different aspects of God/patriotism/etc. people were very touched. i saw some old christians wiping away tears, but most of us sat there and enjoyed the beat of the music (how sad is that...?). what touched me was the response from some of the people who have begun attending this church in the past 6 months or so. grown men weeping, a mother who had come to watch her 14 yr old get baptized got a special word from God, and the overall positive response to the altar call. PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY!! basically what i've been thinking, without going on all day, is that after years of walking with the Lord, i've become complacent. i don't think i'm the only one. we sit in our little church seats and do our weekly "duty" by gracing the church with our presence, paying our tithe (well, studies show 3% of us do) and give ourselves a pat on our back. this is NOT what it's all about. yeah, we have our little "highs" but those are all about us. what if we all started doing things because of JESUS??......reaching out, bringing people, getting involved in our church so we can have programs, speaking positively about our church family, praying faithfully for our leaders, etc, etc. i'm so sick of people (myself included) complaining, but yet not doing anything to change the situation. satan loves complaining, especially about the church/pastor/body, because it makes us weak, individually and corporately. God, bring back the excitement of sharing my faith in you, give me a passion for my little town and for my big town, help me to be a good example, help me to speak positively of my church body and leaders, and help me to draw people to you!!!! because it sure isn't about me.

okay, there's a wee bit of my soap box.....

beware!!...
now that we have a patio, i thought i'd put out a frog solar light that conrad's grandma and uncle gave me for my birthday a few years ago. is it something i would've picked out?? no, but it's pretty cute in its own sort of way and so the other night i took it out and read the instructions (it's supposed to have solar activated lights and such). i found a few of the "important safety instructions" a little over the top:

*dress properly: protective, electrically nonconductive clothes and nonskid footwear are recommended when working with the Smiling Frog Solar Light. wear restrictive hair covering to contain long hair.

*use eye protection: always wear ANSI approved impact safety goggles when setting up this product.

*do not overreach: keep proper footing and balance at all times.

*do not set up the solar light if under the influence of alcohol or drugs: read warning labels on prescriptions to determine if your judgment or reflexes are impaired while taking drugs. if there is any doubt, do not set up the Smiling Frog Solar Light.

*the Smiling Frog Solar Light is not waterproof and must not be set in water such as pools and ponds. (dang, i wanted to bathe with it!)

and last but not least, a disclaimer to release the Smiling Frog Solar Light people of any liability:

*WARNING: the warnings, cautions, and instructions discussed in this instruction manual cannot cover all possible conditions and situations that may occur. it must be understood by the operator that common sense and caution are factors which cannot be built into this product, but must be supplied by the operator.


***couldn't we have said this from the beginning?? too bad many people lack "common" sense, but i guess it gives those of us WITH it a good laugh while reading through the manual for our Smiling Frog Solar Light!!

there is an empty room...
"There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps;
Just a rocking chair, a teddy bear,
The baby clothes they keep.
It is a quiet room
With everything in its place;
But no happy sighs or lullabies,
No child in their embrace.
There is an empty crip
In the corner, tucked away;
The gentle light of the moon shines bright
As they kneel by the crib to pray...
'Remove all bitter thoughts,
Your will is what we seek.
Dry our tears and calm our fears,
Lift us up, for we are weak.'

There is an empty room
In which no child sleeps.
But they know the love of a Father above,
And His promises He keeps."
from When the Cradle is Empty


though i read this poem before when i started to read this book a few months ago, i found it again as i was searching for my own solace, as well as getting the book ready to bring to a friend who miscarried (for the 2nd time). i saw her yesterday for the first time since the loss and as crocodile tears rolled down her face and i embraced her, too choked up for a quick reply, my heart broke. we are both so hopeful for a baby to come into our lives. we both have a room that's waiting--with plans of how to fix it up, we both have some clothes waiting for a little warm body to fill them, and we both are experiencing heartache that's difficult to understand except for by those who have walked the same lonely road. as conrad and i were talking about our plans for our house by priority, he interuppted me as i skipped over a room and said, "isn't the baby's room next?" i know he thinks about it more than he lets on. we will continue to pray for a miracle, whether it be physical (healing in conrad and i) or financial (in-vitro, art.insem, adoption). i also pray for peace, patience, and comfort for every person who is experiencing this type of quiet grief.

perspective...
although i've gone through hard times, and sure i will go through more in the future, God is showing me that i need to not be so self-focused. i learned last weekend that my personality type, "melancholy," can include, to name a few negative sides, negative thinking and self-focus. God help me! last night i heard about a close friend miscarrying. my heart broke. we had already gone shopping for baby clothes and talked oodles about names, nursery ideas, and how excited she and especially her husband were. what a letdown. even though i'm walking the road of infertility, i thank God that i haven't had to walk the miscarriage road. i can't imagine such a loss. then at work today my co-worker got a phone call that her apartment complex was on fire. she left in a hurry to check on her dog who was in the apt. thankfully her husband and 3 girls were gone. she didn't return for hours and when we finally heard back from her, she was in tears as she told my other co-worker over the phone that it was her apartment that was on fire. it started in the kitchen and i'm not sure at this point how far it spread. God, thank you for protecting me from these things and thank you for reminding me to focus outward...

where do your eggs come from???
today i experienced something new. although every day is filled with new knowledge about farm-related things, and weeks usually contain at least one new experience, i have not yet had the pleasure of gathering eggs. although i have been indulging in farm-fresh eggs since conrad's grandma's chickens started laying this fall, i have never hand-picked them myself. today, since the rest of the family was gone, conrad asked if i would go with him to let the geese out and gather eggs. why not?? i felt brave as i stepped into the chicken coop. i didn't let the rooster's loud announcement of a stranger scare me off...no, i was on a mission. i quickly went over where the hens sit and grabbed an egg out of two separate compartments that did not have a mother hen sitting on them. i felt good about things. conrad gracefully reached under a sitting hen and pulled out 2 EGGS! a treasure!! a chicken who was randomly sitting on the "bunk beds" (that's what they're like...different compartments) flew by me screeching. conrad handed me the hot eggs and i added them to my recycled egg carton. then it was my turn to reach under a hen. it took me about 5 minutes to do it, and conrad wouldn't let me out of it, despite my pleading. i finally got up the courage, pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand in case she pecked, and wiggled my fingers to get her to shift her body up so i could grab the prize. this was awkward for all involved. after all this...no egg!! all this suspense and i got the chicken who hadn't yet laid her egg for the day...how rude! oh well, i got some farm-fresh eggs from the others today and have to say that it's fun to see the different eggs--some white, some not; some smooth-shelled, some wrinkly; some oval, some round. never the same egg twice! now i wanna know how the store has them all uniform...genetic engineering?? who knows?? i do wash my eggs before i use them...just because i know the whole process...but that's the least of it. all i know is...i like my eggs and i like that they're free, organic, and tasty!!

this book was EXCELLENT and is highly recommended to anyone in a situation similar to mine. when the cradle is empty:answering tough questions about infertility was written by john and sylvia van regenmorter, a christian couple who dealt with infertility, and gives great perspective from the female and male view. this afternoon i was thinking i'm done with the baby thing...whatever. it's so draining in every sense of the word. you feel emotions you never thought possible. physically you're drained. mentally overwhelmed. spiritually shaken. i could go on and on, but i won't.:) anyway...this book brought some normalcy to my current struggle and i very much appreciated it. although i feel very much alone right now in dealing with this, it was nice to read about others who've gone through the same thing and be assured that i'm not totally crazy (this may still be up for debate...). i'm glad i decided to finish it tonight, as it's very timely and i need God's strength to keep moving forward.

they're everywhere!!!....
everywhere i look, there are pregnant people. i work with one. they're at church. they're my close friends. they're strangers at target. i went to a continuing ed thing yesterday in IF and saw a girl and her hubby that have been at this same training for the 3 years i have. she was pregnant during the first one, had her baby with her for the second one, and was pregnant yesterday. seriously. i pray that one of these days i can BE one of these women. i also talked to a girl i graduated with yesterday and she told me they had adopted a baby because they couldn't get pregnant. they did it 3 years ago and want to have more kids, but just barely paid off the $28,000 bill from the first little guy. i pray that she and her husband will get pregnant (a miracle) or that they'd be blessed in finances!!! God, sometimes i just don't understand you...

but, i WILL trust you...

there's no other way i can deal...

tamales...
living in a town that's 60% hispanic (give or take), i have the benefit of having access to authentic, home-cooked mexican food. last week on thursday, i bought a dozen tamales from a woman who sells them to make money. my co-workers were raving about them, so i gave in. i went to the local grocery store to get some enchilada sauce to put over them, knowing i had cheese at home. i figured i'd follow my co-workers simple instructions for heating up tamales in a very yummy fashion. i was excited to try them and serve them to conrad:) i took about 5 out of the package and put them in a pan. i poured enchilada sauce over them and sprinkled them with cheese. after 10 minutes at 350 degrees, they smelled so good and looked like a masterpiece!

i served a few to conrad and before i could sit down, he said, "i think i'm going to need a knife."
i was like, "okay," and got him a knife.
he then said, "are you sure we're supposed to eat the whole thing?",
to which i responded, "yeah, i think so, no one told me different. it's just a corn husk."
he took a bite and quickly said, "whoa, honey, i don't think you're supposed to eat the outside."

once i started in on my own portion, i quickly realized that someone had failed to mention the minor detail of unwrapping the tamales BEFORE the toppings and BEFORE consumption!! i told my co-workers the next day and they laughed hard. good ice-breaker!! the next day i ate tacos and burritos with homemade tortillas...i ate too many, they were SO good. yeah for yummy mexican food!! however, i do need to limit my self so i don't get a mc-bellyache!!

sufficient by adie camp

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through

In your mercy in the promise you made

Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

Cause when I am weak your strength is complete

It's perfect

Completely all I need

Sufficient for me

Your grace and peace are perfect

Completely all I need

You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding your strength

In my sorrow a gentle embrace

Through the seasons of laughter or pain

You are listening

When I call out your name

I'll find you when I seek

I'll look for you with all of my heart

And I'll find you when I'm weak

Cause you are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to you

Hear my prayer Lord and carry my through

Carry me through

the rock and worship roadshow tour...
time with amazing friends, worshipping God with annointed bands with 10,000 (give or take) people, and getting out of town for a day.....absolutely what i needed.

we started at the olive garden, where service was slllllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww, but laughter was plentiful (i almost choked on more than one occasion and i was desperately fanning myself with the dessert menu multiple times...). from there we went to world market and the christian bookstore. going into the christian bookstore i was thinking i really want a book with a christian perspective on infertility and started my search on the bargain racks. after looking over many shelves, and sure that i'd have to go looking in the full-price section (which i could not have afforded anyway, but figured i could write down names and ask for my b-day), i looked on this table and saw the title When the Cradle is Empty. i'd seen this before (as i'm a regular for the bargain tables), but never paid much attention. this time, though, i grabbed it quickly, turned it over and saw that it was only 49 CENTS!! i bought two, and now wish i would've bought more to share with others who need it. what a God-send. this will be my reading for the next few days as i'm anticipating another round of clomid.

we met up at erin's house and left soon after hearing that there were "10 million" people in line at the idaho center. because the concert was first come-first serve, i kinda though it was bound to be crazy. a few people had been there since 7am!!! luckily we knew some friends in high places and got a good spot in line. we got on the floor, probably about 25-30 rows back (not ideal for pics, but GREAT in person...could see expressions, etc.). from 7-10:45 we worshipped God. afterward, we walked around trying to see jeremy camp, but he wasn't signing b/c "he's blown his voice and can't talk till tomorrow," the t-shirt man told me. that's okay. there's something about worshipping in an arena where everyone's worshipping the same God that is just plain refreshing. refreshing is exactly what i needed and i got it last night...hope it sticks around for a while...

***mediocre pics on facebook:)

i feel like a yo-yo...
i got the call today offering me the p/t teller job at a local credit union. the interview yesterday went VERY well and i left thinking i've got this job! when the branch manager called today she was eager for me to start and decided on monday. she was very complimentary of me and said she's excited to have me at the credit union. it always feels great to know that you've presented yourself well and that others have received you well. i felt at ease throughout the interview--no nervousness, no lack of words, etc., which is a big change for me. i think i've become more personable in my maturity (my own perception only) and went into the interview without pre-conceived ideas/statements and was just myself. so this is where the "yo-yo" comes in-----as happy as i am with getting this job (a success! esp. in this economic time...), i find myself a little sad because i mostly quit my other job to have a baby...and so getting this job is just another reminder that i'm not pregnant and God only knows (literally) when i will be. it also means that money's tight in the farming industry with the economy dropping out (as if people don't need to eat!) and we've gone from having more than enough to "thanks for the free eggs, grandma", and that it's necessary that i work so we don't have to live on borrowed money (dave ramsey wouldn't approve...). conrad didn't want me to work because of money, but what's a girl to do?? i kind of feel like it's the responsible thing to do, so i'm focusing on the GREAT parts of having this new job...
****meeting new people in my little town, getting out of the house (i guess i'm supposed to say this...i rather like my house and my yard and working in both...), making money (conrad said i have to keep a chunk from every paycheck for myself...darn!), contributing to make a fully funded "emergency fund", and i'm sure there's more. oh yeah, and it's way different than my other job in that i don't have to document for medicaid what i did everyday, nor do i have to handle 15+ emotional issues/mental illnesses. this job will seem like a piece of cake....and i LOVE cake!!

a breath of fresh air...
i was blessed to go on a walk outside with my friend jenny today. we walked along the banks of the resevoir and it was so peaceful and beautiful. i love my little town and am glad i am finding some other housewives to pass some time with. i'll be having 2 friends over for lunch on thursday and am looking forward to it. relationships have a way of bringing *life* into our otherwise meaningless lives. thank God for good relationships!!

after our walk we went to the local thrift store, because i had seen the "50% off clothing" sign on my way over to pick up jenny. we started at the baby clothes rack. she's expecting in nov. or dec. and i find it hard to resist a quality/cute/cheap onesie (how do you spell that anyway??). i found 3 baby items--one unisex piece and 2 female-oriented pieces:) i can't help myself! i feel like we'll have a girl first...but only God knows! maybe with my fertility help we'll have a boy and a girl (don't tell conrad i said that...). it's been a good week so far and will only get better with painting our master bedroom, girls' (plus the two little guys...) lunch on thursday, concerts and girls' night on friday, and hopefully no period...

a little hope...
it's been a couple of hopeless feeling days. yesterday i called to talk to an NP and an OB and couldn't get in for awhile. i decided i'd try healthwest so i could get in sooner. after 15 minutes of a confusing conversation with a person on the other end who could care less about my problems (not to mention thinking about the stress of coming up with a co-payment for 2 separate visits, etc.), i told her to cancel the appointment i made at the beginning of the conversation and that i'd call back. it was all i could do to not burst into tears on the phone. i bawled to my mom on the phone while she was in winco after she asked if i was having a good day and i responded "no" and burst into tears about wanting a baby and money issues. she said she and my dad wanted to help us out where they could and she prayed a 5 minute prayer calling down the heavens while she was in the middle of the grocery store. my face hurt at the end of the afternoon after all the salt ran down for hours. it was nice to have em and jeff and drew over cuz it made me focus elsewhere for a little while (cleaning, cooking, and hanging out). so where does the hope come in??? well...my dad called this morning and asked what i was up to today. i told him nothing and he said that he called the NP's office and they gave me and appointment for 1:15. it's nice to have someone to pull some strings:) he told me to stop by FM before my appointment to get his credit card for the appointment...thanks, dad! i talked to the NP and she introduced me to the OB that i'll use once i'm pregnant. we talked about options and they were very hopeful and confident. it was nice. first on the agenda for our gameplan is going on clomid (92-94% chance of NOT having multiples...) for a few months. hopefully this will do the trick! we'll see what happens... i'm NOT giving up!!! God has a plan.

"Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us

is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask

or even dream of."

Ephesians 3:20

bummer day...but it sure ended better than it started!...
so it started out notsogood when i realized we'd be on to round 14 of attempted baby-makin'. not only does this mean i writhed on the floor for half the morning wanting to rip out my inards (or go home to Jesus), but it also is always a little depressing/disappointing/etc. i have to try to realign myself with God's truth. he DOES have a plan. easier said than believed sometimes. conrad's at men's retreat so i didn't have him to talk to/hold, which made it harder in a way. i love that man and i NEED him! okay, on to the more uplifting part.....

it all started when i thought i should look for some christian concerts nearby and started googling. david crowder band? nope. big daddy weave (amazing worship concerts! they were on the cruise)? slc, march 26. jeremy camp (my absolute FAVORITE christian artist)?? YES! he'll be on the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour which will be coming through boise on march 20 (only $10 too!). i almost hyperventilated. i'm still thinking i'll have to take melatonin to sleep tonight. he'll be there with mercyme, tenth avenue north, addison road, and hawk nelson(?). God made my day! i told jeremy on the cruise that he needed to come to idaho. good boy!

where's the balance in faith?...
i'm having a bit of an internal struggle maybe you all can help me out with...your input and prayers would be appreciated. i wrote earlier about talking to someone about fertility meds and now that it's coming to time to go back after tracking my BBT and make a plan, i'm struggling with whether to go or not. on one hand, i, growing up as the daughter of a man who absolutely believes in the advances in modern medicine, want to go and get the drugs and see if we can get this baby started!! on the other hand, i wonder if i just need to wait for God's timing and see if anything happens... actually, i'm not as spiritual most the time when i think about this option...it usually goes more like "screw it!" and trying to make myself believe i don't care. that doesn't work too well. there are days i'm okay with one option, and other days i'm okay with the other. the other kicker is that the $5,000 maternity deductible we need to come up with for a pregnancy was necessary to complete the purchase of our house and the wheat prices are down. i'm praying HARD for answers!!! i don't feel like i'm getting any. i'm trying to figure out the balance between just trusthing that God's going to make things happen and not pursuing fertility stuff OR pursuing the wonders of modern medicine, all the while needing to trust God. hmmmmm......

i got bored yesterday...

after puttering around the house yesterday doing this and that, putting things away, etc., i had a lull and thought what should i do now? take a bath? read? as i was standing in one of the bedrooms (for now the guest room, someday the baby's room) i decided to see how hard it'd be to take down the hideous light pink/white lacey-looking wallpaper. this was the result of my boredom. now to figure out how to get off the leftover residue (the entryway wallpaper was not nearly as tough!)...

the living room transformation...

i'm finally posting some pics from the changes that occured in my "tangerina" living room/heavily leafed wallpapered entry-way (feel free to come and see it in person, it looks better that way):

***this lovely wallpaper was complete was stringy strings that ran vertically every 1/8 inch or so. conrad enjoyed tearing it out...and don't you just love the orange!! the room had 70s orange furniture in it when we first looked at the house...

***even the white primer made a huge difference...thanks for the help, susan! conrad and susan were the roller champs...i'm more ADHD and kept moving from corners to edges to around sockets with the paintbrush.

***the finished product!! "firewood" is a lovely color, not too dark, but not too light. i love the contrast of the crown moulding and can't wait to get my furniture in there and have our first shindig!!!

a positve note...
i told myself i had to post something positive since i haven't felt positive for the last couple of days. i felt like i accomplished a lot in the past few days as far as putting stuff away and painting a dingy pantry. i though i could live with the pantry, but after getting a steal on some off-white paint (3 gallons for under $20) i decided that i could brighten things up in my walk-in pantry. i actually feel like i may put food in there now!! as soon as the ice mountain melts in front of our old house (conrad and i are actually going to beat on it with metal rods later today) and we move our furniture over, the house will totally be ready to live in. that will be nice to live in the house we bought!! i have to remind myself we've only had the keys 3 weeks, but i'm still eager! i'll post pics of the living room transformation soon, i hope. again, paint can sure change a lot of a room's appearance, i love it!

another fun thing---i'm working tomorrow! i though that my agency had stopped opening on fridays but i talked to a co-worker and she said they changed back to being open fridays. so, i'm filling in for the day. it'll be good to see everyone and to make a few bucks. let's see....anything else positive???? nope, that's all i've got for now.

frustration...
i absolutely, positively need to keep this brief. i know there are many things i need to die to that i'm holding on to and need to give to God... my expectations of what my life should be, my "i deserve ______", my bitterness with the in-laws, etc. i wish it was an easier process. i wish that as Christians we would all be to a point where we were dead to ourselves, our own ambitions, expectations, petty differences so we could focus on the big picture. i recently read a book called Church is a Team Sport. i personally think that every person who wants to see growth in the church (no, not current believers getting stronger, though this too is important), needs to read this book. though i've grown up in the church, i was reminded multiple times throughout this book that "we" should not be the focus. our focus needs to be OUTWARD!!! if we can't function in a Christ-like way within the church, how are others going to be drawn to who Jesus really is?? Jesus is not proud, not unloving, not disrespectful. He respected the authority of the Father and only though this was He able to draw people to belief in the truth. i'm sick of the pettiness. okay, better stop.

moving in the snow and missing my clients...
yesterday was cold, but fun to move things in to our new home. i got most of the kitchen put away and made plans for the today and wednesday. today, not so fun. it's snowing, so everything on the pickup gets wet. we're to the point where we're done with the boxes that close and the totes with lids, so i'm praying the snow will let up and let us move!! since i'm overwhelmed, my emotions have also been in overdrive. i just LOVE that!! (heavy on the sarcasm). i got a christmas card from Candlewood today and i was thinking that it was nice for the secretary to sign "from Candlewood" and send a card my way. i opened it on the way to town and had to restrain, since i knew i was going to be in public soon. most of my clients also signed the card, writing things like "i miss you a lot", "i hope you'll come and visit if you have enough time", and "i am really missing you a lot, have a merry christmas and stay positive and optimistic." the last one was from a client who was quite engaged in group sessions and seemed to really hear what we were talking about. i'm glad this person remembers me as saying "be positive and optimistic". crazy that i don't really feel like i have a handle on this myself, but i definitely learned a lot to apply in my own life from my time and Candlewood. i miss my clients, i miss my co-workers, and i miss being a part of these peoples' lives. sometimes i wish i could be 2 places at once, 2 people at once, so i could experience the best of both worlds--career world and the homemaker world. up until the card today, i kept thinking i was just on a long vacation from work and kept my feelings to a minimum. now i realize that while i'm feeling like i'm on an extended vacation, my clients are missing me, and a part of my heart will always be with them. was i selfish to leave just before the holiday season?? i pray to God that i made the right decision and have to be settled that He has a plan. well, i better get out of the library and go get subway so i can get back on track with moving. it's snowing worse now than this morning!

sunday night blues...
for the first time in a few years, i haven't had the sunday night blues!!! you know, the feeling the sunday is tainted by having to work on monday?...yeah, that. i do keep questioning my decision, however, and i need to let it go! it's done, it was God, and it's going to be a good thing.

i talked to someone today at the doctor's office (thanks for the plug, em and michel, barb was really good!) and she was willing to work through some stuff with me so my insurance won't know i'm talking "fertility" with her (heaven forbid they pay for something like that...). she ordered some "routine/preventative" blood tests to check my thyroid and something else(?can't remember?). told me to get a basal thermometer and do readings every morning and go back in little over a month, and if nothing's happened at that point, she'll put me on metformin to see if that will help me ovulate (i pray i can find a better insurance than the one i have now...and i don't want to have metformin on my "record" in case i do change instead of renew). if that doesn't work, then the next step is clomid, a fertility drug. i'm praying that we won't have to go any further than that. okay, God, i'm ready for you to work!! i know some people think it's weird i write this stuff here, but to be honest, i've gotta get it out somewhere and i need your prayers, please! physically and especially emotionally...

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;

for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another."

~Anatole France

"i have something i need to tell you all..."
i was dreading this moment all weekend, all morning at work. i went to bed with a headache (i probably get 1-2 headaches a year) and woke up with a stomachache. i headed to work, all the while praying that God would help me and prepare my clients. one of my co-workers walked in with a two quilts--one for a christmas drawing for the clients, and 1 for me...a soft baby-sized quilt with a giraffe on it. i'd pointed it out about a year ago when looking through a quilting magazine with her. she ordered the panel online and made the quilt for me:) i absolutely LOVE my co-workers and will miss them sooooo much when i'm gone. this precious baby quilt was a little rough on the emotions, as she and my other co-worker (who knew this quilt was coming...) know my desire to start a family and are eager to hear the words one day. i told my co-worker that i loved the quilt and will use it someday and she responded "i know". when 10:45 rolled around i started my group session on positive thinking, joy, and self-esteem. how fitting... when 11:43 rolled around, i started to feel a knot in my throat and stomach and everywhere else one seems to have nervous build-up in their body. i remembered the support i had in my husband and my wonderful friends (esp. thought about the posts you all left on saturday's blog) and that is seriously the only thing that kept my moving forward. as emotions rose, i spit out the words i'd been dreading, "i have something i need to tell you all. thursday is going to be my last day. most of you know my husband is a farmer, and we've decided that i'm going to stay home and help out more where i can." breathe................ i hate trying to talk when i'm emotional. my face is contorted, my chin quivers, and talk as loudly as possibly, though it comes out barely above a whisper. after the few gasps, i continued, "i really have loved working with you all. you are all wonderful people and i've learned a lot from you." a few clients came over to comfort me, some looked shocked, and the room was full of voices saying, "i'll miss you, adriane", "come and visit", "you sure have been a good teacher". however frustrating things have been in the past, it's truly been the people that have kept me there this long. i've seen potential, i've seen the most caring people one could ever see, and i've seen my clients as God sees them...worthwhile, valuable, and having a purpose. i pray i've spoken this into their lives as much as i was supposed to. throughout the day, i heard more affirmations that i have made a difference to my clients. one told me "you really are a good person. and you're beautiful. i hope you have fun on the farm." another said "i'm going to miss you...who's going to thread my needles?" yet another one told me on her way out, "i'm sure going to miss you, edwin. you've been awful good to me and taken care of me. i'm going to miss you a lot." i can honestly say that if i had to pick people to be on my "team" these people would be top on my list. thank you for your prayers for this situation. i'm glad the hardest part is over, now we can all deal with it through the week. thursday may be a little rough, but the way i look at it is: if i'm feeling this way about moving on from Candlewood, and my clients and co-workers are going to miss me, i must've been doing something right (God's grace!!!). God knew where i needed to be, how long i needed to be there, and He knows where i'm going.....

a lot on my mind...
here's post #2 in one day...lucky you! i have had a lot on my mind lately and need to get some of it out, so you, if you choose to receive it, will be the recipients of my babble. so, my last day at work is coming up...dec. 4th. i've been looking forward to this day, but this weekend there had been a constant battle in my head about my decision. am i being selfish for not wanting to keep working?? should i at least work till i'm substantially pregnant?? have i done all God meant for me to do there?? what is conrad's family thinking about my decision?? should we have gone forward with buying this new house when we can live in the one we're in for free (strings attached, so not really "free")?? etc. etc. etc. conrad is great. last night when i told him my thoughts he said, "haven't we already made this decision?" i wish my mind was so cut and dry. i often wonder if we heard God wrong when he told us november was my month to be done working and to go ahead with the house. i hate second-guessing these things. it's driving me batty!!! i keep thinking i can keep working cuz i haven't told my clients yet and my boss would love to have me stay. but i don't want to undermine God and His plans. i try to focus on the pros--more time with conrad, not commuting in winter, God telling me "this is going to be our time", God blessing the wheat market wich would be excellent financially which would blow us away with blessing, etc. but the cons are blaring and i'm struggle to escape them. no paycheck every 2 weeks, identity as a "social worker" career woman dying, conrad's family looking at me in disdain, etc. etc. conrad tells me not to worry about what his family thinks "it's not their decision" but it's hard. especially with his sister and husband home. she just grills conrad about how we're going to buy the house. it's come up "why doesn't adriane help on the farm more?" his family doesn't really go by God's plans, which has left an emptiness in identity, unhappiness in marriages, and on and on. i just realize how much conrad and i are "aliens" in a sense even in his family's world, even though they call themselves christians. i have little in common with them, esp. his immediate family and after we hang out run through conversations over and over in my head about things i should have said. God, help me to be bold when i need to be!!! i could go on and on, i guarantee you, but i will let you all off the hook now:) please pray for peace. i know God's plans are better than my own, even though it's hard to trust at times. i keep thinking...if we had our way, we'd have a baby right now or soon. how long are we going to have to wait? when is our relationship with his family going to improve...is it?? there are things that make me want to cut all ties except for holidays/b-days. i hate feeling like this...sometimes i very much dislike what's going on in my head...about time for me to read battlefield of the mind by joyce meyer. this has got to stop. okay, i'm done. for now.

black friday...
i was going to post pics but since i'm at the library using the internet, it's not going to happen...oh well. pooh and i decided to do our usual black friday shopping this year...and for the second year, we've gone with our kindred spirit shopping buddy susan. when the alarm went off at 3:30a.m., i got up right away, ready to join the other crazies out in the community, hunting bargains. we didn't have anything too major...no tvs or gaming systems, etc., but there was quite a bit of little things we wanted to pick up. luckily, jcpenney opened at 4:00 so we could stagger our shopping, since a lot of stores opened at 5. we picked susan up at 4:05 and were on our way to the mall. we walked quickly toward the "fake" magic bullets that were only going to cost us $12.88. score! we wandered around a bit after that, since no where else was open. we decided to go to shopko next, since we were already at the mall and weren't meeting steph at FM till 5:30. we stood in a civilized line, probably about 50 feet out from the entrance to the store, about 3 people wide. after 10 minutes, the door opened and what was an organized line turned into a mad dash into the store...it was either be trampled or sprint...we chose the latter. picked up a few CHEAP items and stood in the line that only got longer after us...snaking through the whole front aisle section of the store. luckily we were fast, despite the crazy lady chasing us with a cart after giving another fellow shopper a flat tire when she ran into his ankles! FM is always my favorite place on black friday. we met up with steph (you go girl!) who decided to join the crazies before work. we got lots of items 1/2 off and then decided it was safe to take a few minutes off the shopping floor to grab some free donuts. yum! found lots of stuff for my home (rubbermaid food containers, fluffy red beautiful blanket, not to mention socks, slippers, etc. for 50% off!). my mom told us to buy what we wanted and she'd pay us back and make it christmas gifts. this made shopping fun since my cash envelopes for the month are empty! we headed to the mall and went to a few different stores. found some great buys and took a break for mrs. powells till steph had to head to work. met up with pooh's old moscow roomie sarah. shopped some more. and some more. and some more. went to shoe carnival (i swore i'd never go in again, but found some nice shoes for conrad) and tjmaxx where i found some beautiful candle holders for my new house. decided it was time for lunch and went to craigos0--all you can eat salad, pasta, pizza bar. yum!! even better with a $4.99 coupon. we thought we'd call it a day and separated from sarah, ready to go take a snooze...i had a baby shower at 2. however.......on our way past goodwill, i remembered the 50% off everything sign i'd seen and we spent about 45 mins. in there. i was late to the baby shower, but luckily it was running on "African time" so i was actually early, in a sense, when i arrived at 2:15. i found a nice big coffee table for $12.50, as well as a lot of other misc. items. all in all, a FUN day. didn't cause any fights, but heard about one from a clerk about ladies fighting over a blender. my dad said someone in arkansas got killed. people are a little too hardcore for me!!! it was fun to hang out and just go with the flow, finding some good bargains. i slept like a wee babe last night........ can't wait for next year!!

my "kids"...



since i don't have any biological children yet, conrad and i tease about our kittens (almost cats now!!) being our "kids". jack and gracie LOVE to play when we are working outside. conrad was helping me dig my bulbs up last sunday when our "kids" decided to "help" us. they enjoy getting in the way of the shovel, laying on the fresh dirt right in the way, and chasing the prongs of the rake. i also discovered that jack likes to be buried in leaves!! he was so cute and the only reason his face is showing is because i wanted the picture to actually show him, not just a mound of leaves. gracie does not prefer being buried alive under leaves and was not standing for my kodak moment. after the pics, however, she went over to an existing pile of leaves and started tunneling through it. crazy girl.

on tuesday morning, i got quite emotional when i came 2 seconds from watching a coyote eat jack. i'm NOT exaggerating. they were 8-10 feet apart from each other and the only reason the coyote ran away was because i was screaming like a wild woman. last night when i got home, i got gracie in for the night but jack was being a turd. i left him out for a few minutes while i put groceries away, cuz usually he realizes his sister is in and wants to be with her. not last night. i went out for my second round of "chase jack around the yard" and heard yipping coyotes over by the equipment shed jack and gracie hang out around during the day. i couldn't find jack, though i'd seen him just minutes earlier, and started freaking out again. i started praying for jack and after a few minutes, jack came running toward me, oblivious to the predators lurking 1/16th mile away and obviously on the prowl. instead of his usual i'll let you get this close and then run away he actually plopped down on the ground for a belly rub. i snatched him up and put him in the porch area with gracie, happy my "kids" were safe!! all this to say, i love my cats...and i know it will be crazy to see how much more i feel about my real kids someday. pets are God's gift to us:) and until i have a real kid to talk about, you'll all have to deal with these "kid" stories:)

financial peace...
"two words that don't usually go together" as dave ramsey quips, as he talks about the standard americans' financial situation. i listened to the 2 lessons i've missed of our financial peace university today so i'd be on the same page going into our class tonight. this 13 week course has the potentially to literally change one's life forever. i am amazed at his stories and his successes. everytime i leave class or finished a cd i felt like i wanted to get out my pompoms and/or cry. what a sensitive subject finances is, and i wish so badly that more people would be proactive with their money, myself included. when we were in south dakota, staying with my grandma in her spacious 3 bedroom apartment, there were brief financial-related comments that made me proud. she said that some of her friends ask why she pays for a 3 bedroom apartment. her response to them is, "i can afford it and i like the space." she's been there close to 9 years now, since my grandpa died, and loves it. she also made the comment, "i could travel a lot now, i have the money, but i'm content at home." these comments are made matter-of-factly, humbly. the more i think about it, the more proud i become of my grandparents' planning ahead for a great, high quality of life future. i'm sure my grandpa is looking down, smiling on his cute little wife enjoying these latter years of life without the worry of money. i also am proud of my other set of grandparents, who lived financially free in their later years, and still had plenty to divide between 6 kids when they passed away. what great rolemodels to me and to others!! i pray that conrad and i will have the same wisdom and that God will give us discipline to follow through with what needs to be done...there has already been a lot of "lightbulb" moments since our class started 7 weeks ago, and there will definitely be more to come. it is something i am passionate about and feel like God's given us an excellent tool. can't wait for more!!

fat and happy with the fam...

this is what i've been for most of my vacation. i'm sitting here with fox news blaring and sitting on the couch after a yummy home-cooked grandma meal and my cute grandma sitting on the recliner working crossword puzzles. over dinner, and long after (dishes can wait!), grandma talked about her travels and about her and grandpa's families. she's traveled A LOT and i pray i can go half the places she's gone in her lifetime. i love when she talks about grandpa. it's been 9 years now since he died. sometimes i'm sad that i didn't know him better than i did, but then again, i do have lots of good memories and am glad i knew him through jr. high. earlier today she talked about how she's content with being home. she's in excellent health for 87 and gets out for bridge club and church, however, she said she likes being home, "i've done my working and my traveling, and now i'm just content with life where i'm at." we've eaten like queens, and some of my pants are tight!! it couldn't possibly have the urging for "eat more, there's lots left (twist my arm, grandma)" or the brownie and ice cream every night for a snack, could it?? we hung out with my 2nd cousins yesterday at a pumpkin patch and then pooh and i went to coffee with my uncle bill. it was nice. i remember that i used to be intimidated by him, mostly because i'm a shy person by nature and didn't have the maturity i think. however, i was telling pooh after he dropped us off that i'm glad we're to the point where we can all just sit and have an hour of adult conversation. we also got to spend time with his wife, my aunt cindy. i also loved that. she's easy going and has a good sense of humor. she's excited for conrad and i to have a baby....whenver that may happen. she loves her grandkids and is so cute with them. it seemed like the trip went fast, but also like we've had good times of conversation. i wish we knew when we were young that life was so fragile and to make the most of every moment with family, but i can only make the most of what i have now, i realize that. i am thankful that my kids' grandparents will all live close, what a precious relationship:) sigh

the girls...

jeannie, britt, fawn, and me:)

our presigous dining seats...the old spaghetti factory caboose!

old friends...
well, we were kidding about the fact that we are getting old-25 now (and turning 26 over the course of the next 6 months)!! i traveled with fawn to boise on friday and headed back sunday after spending some time with my "college" friends. i can't believe it's been 7 years since i started college and met these girls. it was so refreshing to catch up and reminisce, laughing and crying together. it's crazy to see where life has taken us--me getting ready to be a stay-at-home wife (gave my notice last thursday!!) and hopefully have a baby in the near future, fawn teaching/blessing a class of 4 year olds, britt working as an NP at a well-known oncology unit and owning a beautiful home with her hubby (i've heard, can't wait to see it!), and jeannie fresh out of the peace corps and using her psychology degree to work with kids and adolescents. who would've thunk it?? although we had lots of laughs, we also comforted each other as we share our disappointments, our longings, and our wanting to know we're in God's will. i pray we continue to cultivate our relationships in such a way that we can always share so openly, even with some distance between us. i don't want it to come to a christmas card every other year and maybe a phone call or text on the birthdays. God, help me to do my part to maintain and nurture all of the precious relationships in my life...

unconditional...
i've been thinking a lot lately about friendships and how unconditional love and support play a role. of course we know (hopefully) that God's and family's love and support are unconditional. i know i've been shown more than my fair share of grace. but what about when it comes to friendship? fortunately in my life, i've had amazing friends and i can't remember a time when i've set conditions or been the object of conditions. so what about when friends mess up? bad. hurt a lot of people. know they've messed up. stuck in situation because of whatever reason. what about now? do i back away and let them loose? i think that unconditional friendship means standing by someone even when their actions have turned others away. i wonder how my thoughts and actions in this situation will be seen by others. ultimately does it matter what others think, or if i remain loyal to this person? i have a history of deep friendship with a person and though we haven't talked a lot verbally over the past year, we stay in touch online and God lays her on my heart quite a bit. even though the dynamics of our friendship has changed (10 years ago i was the one lacking close friends and she was a strong tower in my life and now she's told me several times over the past year "you're the only one i can always count on. you're the only friend who is loyal and doesn't abandon me no matter what i do."), i still feel committed to the friendship. i know some may raise their eyebrows and wonder what i'm doing, but i pray they'll know my loyalties aren't tied to actions-good or bad. though i've been asked to be in a place of honor, i don't want to feel like i'm condoning a situation, though my refusing support wouldn't change the situation, only the credibility of my friendship as far as i can see it. this is just one of the many things rolling around in my head lately... let me know if you have any insight...i'm sure i'll have more to say later...

it's been awhile, again...
seems like i go in spurts...write a lot, then write rarely (mostly the latter). i guess i don't really have much to say so i keep all of nothing to myself. actually, there is a lot going on, maybe too much to keep up with on a blog?? who knows. went to ikea with steph on friday, always a joy (ikea and being with steph):) did an all day yard sale yesterday to raise money for pooh to go to thailand. i'm drained. it was fun to hang out with brandon and susan all day, but at the end of the day, i was dead tired and am still recovering. raised $262 though, and got rid of a lot of junk between all of us pack-rat manskes. conrad and i keep saying "we will not be like our parents and have multiple storage (junk) rooms when we're 50. so far i think we're doing okay. we'll see how it goes once we move into a house with lots of space!! we'll be moving in november. i'm ready to kick the couple out so i can paint and start moving my stuff in. very eager to live there!! conrad's been busy with harvest, and the crops are amazing. i'm proud of my man...he defnitely does his job with excellence. a few family issues we're trying to work through and praying the wheat market will go back up (it dropped the max amount in one day on friday). couple of things you could keep in your prayers:) well, that's all i'm going to say today. i've gotta cut myself off somewhere, so i don't overload you all. i think i have a habit of doing that and that may be why i've cut back on this thing...who knows??

crazy cats...
last night when i was bringing in my 2nd load of groceries, the cats got in the car. i didn't see them when i got the third and final load. when conrad got home and we went to get them in, we saw them in the dashboard of the car. conrad went over and said, "it's locked." long story short: they locked themselves in with the keys in the ignition and we couldn't find the spare. they were in there 12 hours before the Lock Doc could come and rescue them and me this morning at 9:50. i was late to work and brought the kittens so they could get their shots tonight. luckily, they got over the entrapment quickly and still think i'm the best mother in the world:)

a few hours of trauma...
i had a good weekend except for a few hours. friday night, gracie wouldn't come in and we didn't know where she was. we finally got jack out of the tree after 15 minutes of calling for him and him responding with whiny, scared meows. i went to bed, sure that i'd wake up to gracie meowing at the front door wanting to come in. when i had to pee at 5:45 saturday morning (grr!) the first thing i thought was gracie never came home last night and told conrad (since he was incoherent when i got into bed the night before). i started crying and he said he couldn't sleep anymore thinking about her. so we went out searching. i bawled the whole time. i was thinking i should've got her in sooner than i did, etc., etc. conrad said maybe an owl got her. 5 minutes later we saw an owl swoop into a tree. huge owl!! i yelled at it "i hate you!" as if it could understand me. it's amazing how attached you get to a pet in just a short time. conrad and i sat in the living room for awhile. jack was meowing at the door. conrad went out to see him and said, "sorry about your sister, jack". he's so sweet with the kittens. can't imagine what he'll be like with our baby-amazingly adorable, i'm sure. he finally had to go so i went on a long walk. when i got back, i held jack. he doesn't usually like to be held, but was like my shadow. when i was watering the garden, i turned for no apparent reason and gracie was running toward me with her tail about 3 inches in diameter! i've never been so happy to see her face!! i started bawling again as i held her close and called conrad. he was very happy. this was about 9:30, and i was ready for some breakfast. after i poured my cereal, i saw something coming from the dining room. why's there a bird in the house? then i realized it was a bat....coming straight for me. it chased me out of the kitchen, i grabbed my phone (screaming all the while...if you can imagine that), and went outside to call conrad...crying hysterically. long story made a little shorter...we couldn't find it but it surfaced again when i was alone so i called my knight in shining armor again and he came and flushed it down the toilet. sigh what would i do without him? better get going to pilates, but thank God gracie's back and the bat's gone. my emotions took a toll on me...especially since i was sleep deprived to begin with.

a lovely drive...
on monday, i took the day off to spend it with conrad's family, since it was ranae and josh's last day in AF. one of their family traditions on the 4th is to go on a drive. last year, we went on the back roads to where conrad's grandma's parents settled and where she grew up. it was very interesting. ranae missed it last year, so that was the one thing she wanted to do for sure during their short visit. we took the back roads to malta and then decided to head up the pomerelle mountain. i've never seen it without snow! it was absolutely beautiful. i was glad i'd thrown my camera in my purse before we left. there's a few lakes up there and there's still some snow!! i can't wait to go up there again.


Lake Cleveland

just after RaNae almost fell in while she was sitting on that log behind us and I saved her (after screaming bloody murder (i know you can't imagine that:) the water was freezing cold!)
Horse Thief Lake Pomerelle

how does your garden grow???
well, it's june 30th and my garden's going on a week old. even though it was late, i decided to plant one for fun, and it's looking like we won't be moving terribly soon. i was going to take a picture of the garden spot, but it's pretty much dirt with a few starter plants here and there. i'll post some once i'm seeing some action. i'm praying daily that the seeds come up, i don't always have luck with flower seeds, so we'll see what happens with the veggie seeds! conrad's grandma helped me figure out where to plant what and taught me how to plant what seeds, in flat ground, in a hump, in a trench, etc. thank God for her wisdom!! she's so sweet. if i planted the seeds too close together, she'd lean over and move them farther apart, gently saying, "now honey, put these a little farther apart." i treasure the time i have with conrad's grandparents. actually, they're all mine now too:) here's what i planted... tomatoes (grape, cherry, roma, big), corn, eggplants (white and purple, for the heck of it), peppers (green, yellow, orange), carrots, romaine lettuce, birdhouse gourds, string beans, cabbage, cauliflower, canteloupe (probably not time to ripen, but will be pretty green anyway), and some chives (starts from a co-worker). who knows, you might get some fresh produce from my garden this year!!

99% sure...
as far as buying the house goes, that is. the more we talk to others who have been looking at real estate, the more we are convinced we're getting a steal and if the "worst case scenario" does come to pass (though i'm praying it won't and feel like it won't...) we'll make a profit on it anyhow. i'm feeling more and more peace about this big purchase. i look back at how we've handled other big purchases (car, combine, grandpa's farm equipment, work pick-up, etc.) and see that we've paid off all but one last $25,000 equipment payment to grandpa which will happen after harvest this year. i felt like God told me that if we're smart we could pay off the house in 5 years. the natural part of me was skeptical, but the supernatural part says bring it on!! sometimes i get stuck in the whole "poverty mentality" but i've started declaring blessing on my family and am getting a more positive outlook. i still have my moments being frustrated with making less than i could in my profession and not having benefits, but God is my provider...not my boss. after all, when all this blessing happens, God gets the glory, right?! still continue to pray for wisdom and that we'd talk to the right people-lenders, our accountant, etc. also, please still pray that we'd have a special little someone to live in the house with us:)

big decision...
being an indecisive person, i don't do well with big decisions. or little decisions at that (just ask my sister what i'm like when we're shopping and she'll probably just roll her eyes). probably the biggest decision after salvation was marriage. i had no doubt about it. i can't remember any other BIG decisions being as easy to come to a conclusion. an opportunity came up to buy a house close to where we are now. we went to look at it on tuesday night and i was hoping we'd walk in and hate it. well, it's beautiful and big and has a big yard, pasture, it'd be ours, etc. my "pros" list is pretty long. too bad the "cons" list starts with money. we're praying hard for a yes or a no from God. is it His opportunity for us or is it an opportunity for us to seek Him and find that the house is not for us??? help!!! most people decide to move, decide to buy a house, decide a price, and look around. in this situation, everything came to us. it makes it tough too when we're looking at starting a family and me quitting work in the somewhat near future. i've been daydreaming about painting this room and redoing this and that. then my practical side comes in and i think our house now is fine. it's not ours (and there are strings attached here and there), but it's FREE. so if you could all be praying for us, it'd be great. right now i'm pretty much praying for God to give conrad wisdom and saying i'll be the supportive wife...

lessons for my clients...
i've been talking to my clients about being positive/having an optimistic outlook for probably 5 months now. telling them that what they speak out and even what they think has an impact on how their lives are going and how they're feeling. telling them that if they want to be happy, to think about the positive side of things, even when life isn't perfect, as it often isn't. reminding them that negative self talk destroys self-esteem and invites depression. how timely of God to stir this in me to be sharing with my clients when i need to hear it the most!!! i swear, everything i tell my clients is stuff i need to be reminded of. thanks, God. not to sound cliche, but things are often easier said than done. i've also been reading joel osteen's book your best life now. the whole last section talked about the power of our thoughts and words in our life. i've been trying to switch gears over the past few months from having a 24/7 pity party to trying to be okay that i'm not pregnant NOW. this past time i only bawled once with a few cries here and there. better than before where i was ready to weep anytime someone brought it up or i thought about it. no, i'm not perfect at this endeavor of trying to be positive, but starting today i'm going to try and be better. there's a reason i'm not pregnant right now, and God knows when this baby will grace the world with his or her presence. i built part of a rock garden yesterday...something creative and beautiful and full of heavy labor...something i couldn't do pregnant. just like laura prayed yesterday, i am healthy and there is nothing wrong with my womb. God desires us to have a family. God, i pray you'll keep me thinking positive and keep my emotions in check!!

a little piece of what's going on in my head...
i know, i know. all these things i've heard forever--God's timing is best, He knows the best way, He knows the desires of your heart, keep having faith for ________ and it'll work out. i KNOW all these things. i want it to become part of me. i want to not worry about circumstances in my life. i want to be strong!!! i feel like i've spent so much time conversing with God about my desires, declaring my faith, thanking Him for my health and my baby's health, etc., etc. when my period was 2 days late, i tried to keep a safe distance from being too hopeful, but still talked to conrad and God about my what was really going on in my head...the excitement of maybe. friday i cried the whole 1/2 hour home, grieving in a sense over the fact that, once again, i'm not pregnant. it was the first time i looked at that way. at first i thought i'm crazy. i'm grieving over something i've never had. thanks to some much needed conversation at church, i realize i'm not crazy. it felt good to have that validated. i realized i'm grieving over a hope that seems to get dashed month after month. i'm grieving over the strong desire to be a mother and it not happening (yet!). no matter how much i can tell myself that i have faith and that God's timing is perfect, the emotions are still going to be there because i'm human. sometimes i just feel the raw emotion is more than i can handle, but it's not more than God can handle. i didn't want to go to church today because i didn't want to see people, but luckily i did because i needed to talk (and hear daniel's message on God's timing...). i thank God i have people in my life who will ask how i'm doing and who really care to listen. i really treasure the encouragement and need everything i can get. maybe it's time i relinquish my "right" to be a mother and just let God do His thing. easier said than done. but i will not give up this desire in my heart.